Journey to the Abstract

There is only the “Now”
Just the “Here”
Only the “What IS”
There is just “This”
Everything just “IS”

There are no things, because everything is pulsing, moving, vibrating, shimmering, aliveing and because everything appears in the consciousness field.
(Just like the images shown on a movie screen are just made up of light, similarly all the objects we experience in the world are simply made up of consciousness)
So there are no objects, but only consciousness appearing as objects.
There is total change at every point and every position in consciousness because everything is appearing IN AND AS the alive field itself.
There is only “this vibratory infinity/boundless ONENESS”
I am “IT”
I am “THAT”
I am this “Unmanifest Mystery Unknown” vibrating IN and AS this particular manifest content NOW.
I am the unnameable, the unknown, the mystery, the unmanifest (because all I know is ‘I am NOT’).
I am like the a 7-D boundless TV screen that can show any picture.
What I am, I cannot know, just like a flame cannot burn itself.

All manifestation is causeless.
It all comes from ‘Nothing’.
‘Nothing’ being the infinitely subtle.
In the spectrum from:
Subtle|God| ——-|Soul|—–|Ego|—–|Thoughts|—–|Emotions|—–Gross
God comes first, and is the first cause, which is the infinitely subtle, which is NOTHING.
Its similar to the spectrum of:
Super Strings ——Atoms ——Molecules —— Cells ——Organs——Human
Now super springs aggregate in a certain pattern or way to forms atoms correct?
And this happens at each stage until organs come together and form a human.
The next question would be, what’s subtler than super strings that created super strings?
And if this inquiry is taken further and further, more and more subtle levels will be discovered until one reaches the infinitesimally small substrate which is ‘Nothing’.
The only difference between the super string analogy and the spectrum spoken about here is that, the spectrum here is of DIRECT EXPERIENCE and the GROSS and SUBTLE of experience itself.
Ultimately everything is made up of experience including our material conceptions and so forth.
So the ultimate substrate to study and observe would be experience because that subsumes all other worlds.
This infinite nothing is where all of the manifest comes from.
So in a sense, all cause and effect that we observe in this realm is simply an appearance created by this infinite nothing.
So causation is only apparent/an appearance and the ultimate reality has infinite freedom and is therefore causeless (not limited by causation).

Imagine you have a car made of lego blocks.
Say a kid playing with it does not know its made of lego blocks of 2mmx2mm.
Once he is told, he dismantles it and is thrilled at the new level of freedom.
He can now build new structures using the same blocks – like a truck, ship and so on.
Now say, later he discovers that even each tiny block can further be dismanted to form 0.2mmx0.2mm blocks.
Now he can make even more intricate and complex structures and so on, vastly increasing his freedom.
So the truth is different at different levels of subtlety.
What is truth in a certain layer, is only an appearance or possibility in the subtler layer.

Arousal(stimulation) is what I keep seeking.
Arousal is the energy powering ‘experience’, but this powering energy is also experienced inseparably within all ‘experience’ as charge or potential.
So one could say, all experience is imbued with arousal.
Increasing arousal translates into greater experience intensity.
If there is 0 arousal -> There would be 0 experience (like pulling the power cord off from your television).
Without arousal -> input processing ends -> there would be nothing, you could go unconscious, all experience will come to 0.

The different ways I arouse myself are:
cookies/sweets(sugar), food (when not hungry), cheese, tea, coffee, hot chocolate, health concoctions, fruits, exercise, movies, TV shows, videos (all kinds), erotic & sexual thought/videos/images/activity, reading articles of all sorts, facebook, online chat, video calling/talking in person, music, reflection on memories/patterns, intellectual analysis/critical thinking combined with creative writing, practices: focusing on being and resting in the present moment experience OR focusing on pains or unpleasant sensations, supplements or drugs, reading books, taking a shower, making todo-lists, cleaning house, sleep (as an investment for higher arousal the next day), consumerism: buying stuff on amazon.

It seems like, what I am ultimately seeking is experience and a certain intensity of it.
Preferably good ones, else I am creating even the bad ones if possible to maintain experience intensity and charge (arousal).
I focus on pain with the arousal of how to diminish or remove it.
I focus on pleasure with the arousal of how to keep or increase it.
And when emptiness is there, I focus on, how can I create any kind of experience/arousal through whatever means, but pushing whatever button that can create arousal.

Its like I am used to a certain volume of experience. When the volume of experience goes down, I push all my arousal buttons to try to create some experience (pain or pleasure) that crosses the threshold. So at a higher level, it seems like there is something beyond pain and pleasure, and that is arousal itself or the desire to just have some/any experience.

Experiencing something totally – eventually changes/sublimates/removes(gross form) the experience.

– Because as you become more and more subtle/fine/silent, the friction between your [subtle observing identification or “subject” (observer ego)] and your [former coarser state which is now the “object” manifest as experience (experience object)].
– All experience is the result of interaction between the subject and object OR the friction between the subject and the object is experience.

– So total experiencing is the way to enlightenment. You keep totally experiencing from where-ever you are (your current level of sharpness of the awareness instrument/identification) and dis-identifying with all the content because you cannot be your experience (because you are one experiencing, so you have to be subtler than that).

– Your “instrument/identification/subject” keeps getting subtler and subtler and revealing more and more subtle content in layers, until you reach nothing.
– The subtler you get, the greater the degrees of freedom released.
– The experiencial nothing (super subtle field permeating everything) is the ground for all that’s above it.
– Its like say you have large 2×2 lego blocks and build structures with that in your prior reality, now these blocks are broken into 0.2×0.2 say, so you have a ton of more pieces and freedom to create more intricate structures.
Now this can further be reduced stage by stage to 0.02×0.02 lego blocks and so on. So at each level you will have more and more freedom.

An Diagram for better imagination:
Imagine an upside down cone of experience, with the gross experience at the top point and the infinitely subtle nothing at the base.
One sinks down to the bottom and and moves identification/subject to subtler and subtler levels while witnessing subtler and subtler experience objects in the journey.
There is death at every stage, it is a staged death.
Death of the specific coarser identification, which gets sublimated into the subtle at each level.

As identification shifts, the divine intelligence works at each level (its natural function) to create structure, coherence, harmony, order, beauty.
So at each stage, there are temporary self structures that are created and dissolved.
So there is alternate coherence – chaos – coherence – chaos in the transformation process as one takes identity into the subtle.

So this is a never ending process of death and rebirth.

The question is about the life situation – subjective vs. objective?
Is it subjectively good/bad and objectively good/bad?
How do I see clearly?
But what I realized is that the objective situation is ultimately a ‘subjective situation’ holding onto I do (a subset of a subjective part which I hold on to as objective).
In fact, the dissolution that has happened in me, is precisely that the dissolution of the objective which has dissolved into subjectivity.
So my experience is more like a dream with no ground – I could say profoundly insecure. Because the ground itself has started changing just like the rest of my experience.
So its all subjective only and I create my reality based on where I put my attention.
And this is again controlled by cathexis which is different all the time.
The unchanging cathexis is what people generally refer to as objective.
But I have no such unchanging cathexsis, now my cathexis itself vibrates and changes in the fire of my being.
I had a high cathexis for my job earlier – the UX field in general.
Now I seem to have lost a lot of it and find it very difficult to rekindle the fire which is now just burning embers.
When seen from the perspective of spirit, there is only the subjective [aliveness, relationships, cathexis, eros, fire, love are the only things that really matter]

Today I had an interesting experience in the short elevator trip – What you believe gets reflected back to you in a loop.

I was generally feeling quite isolated, alienated, separated, lonely, alone -> when I saw the other enter the elevator they appeared so cold, aloof, self-absorbed, narrow, profoundly hostile and unfriendly -> Now when I experienced the other as I described, I mirrored their behavior and I also retracted, stayed totally aloof, poker faced, and even avoided all eye contact -> then I realized even the other person would have seen me as hostile and mirrored the same back to me -> and this would go on forever in a loop.

So there is YOUR BELIEF about the other -> Creating your experience -> Causing you to externally project your relationship to the experience as a behavior -> Others witness your external behavior and what you are putting out -> They process what they witness based on their Beliefs -> which creates their experience -> causing them to externally react/behave based on how they experienced what you put out -> You again witness their reaction to you -> again this new input passes through your beliefs and creates your experience and thereby confirms your belief.

So the experience of reality is a fractal of belief.
But beliefs are always changing.
What changes the belief is a mystery, maya, god itself.

Also, I can only see others(as I experience them) and react. I cannot see myself. Whatever others tell me I am, that is the only self I think/believe I am. But I do not experience myself, just like a flame cannot burn itself. So whatever I believe myself to be (conventionally) is entirely a false construct.

Also, the others that see me and tell me who I am, are seeing their experience of me, which is based on their own beliefs – and beliefs are always changing and moving themselves. So they too are “not seeing the real me” and its not that others can objectively see you.

So this is like a hall of endless mirrors reflecting the one God changing form (as changing beliefs). So then all selves are simply believed to exist.

If our parents during our formative years loved/cherished/nurtured us, then that forms our belief structure -> accordingly shapes our behavior -> and accordingly gets reflected from everyone everywhere -> confirming the belief again.

So a loving person literally lives in a loving world in his experience.
Similarly a hateful person, lives in a hate filled world, because his own belief gets reflected back again and again.

Since only God moves belief -> which moves experience -> all we can do is surrender to the flow.

If there is an experiencer in experience, then the question arises, why is the experiencer standing apart from the experience.
To get something from the experience correct?
Infact experience itself happens because of the friction between the experiencer and the experience that is flowing.
All experience happens by contrast or a fundamental duality between the experiencer and the experienced.

Somewhere in very happy moments, when you are thoroughly absorbed and enjoying something, the absorption causes the experiencer to disappear.
At such moments (say you are doing constant mindfulness practice by habit), you may remind yourself to observe what is going on.
This instantly creates an observer/experiencer where previously there was only absorption.
You can feel this shift.
It would feel as if you are somehow separating yourself from the experience (absorption) and moving to the point of view of a disconnected observer.
In some ways, doing this creates separation/alienation because now again you become the observer.

In deep sleep, it is precisely this separation that does not happen, you are so totally IT, that there is no separation between an experiencer who is experiencing the experience of deep sleep.
Somewhere we all seek experiences in life that would cause our experiencer to disappear.
The experiencer in a way, is always looking for that which would end its presence.

Cathexis is a very interesting concept (from psychoanalysis)
Cathexis = the concentration of mental energy on one particular person, idea, or object OR investment of energy on one particular person, idea, or object.
Just broadening the definition of cathexis in the below paragraph.

What controls beliefs? – belief investment, belief cathexis
What controls thought? – thought investment, idea cathexis
What controls feelings? – emotional investment, emotion cathexis
What controls externally perceivable action? – action investment, action cathexis
In a sense the hierarchy of top-down action would be:
Belief investment -> Thought investment -> Feelings investment -> Action investment
All of these – belief, emotion, thought and action investments are ultimately various forms of energy investment.
What we truly are is the energy itself and all the movements/investments of this energy are appearances of the ONE energy.

Ultimately, Identification with the above investments is the obstacle to liberation.
Dis-identification from the above investments = Liberation.
Investments still happen in liberation, but there is no identification with them.
One identifies oneself not with any investment but rather sees all investment as appearance and identifies solely with the ONE pervading energy essence.
What controls energy movement, energy investment, energy cathexis? = The Mystery
So one may say “I am that ONE energy and my movement is controlled by a mystery which eternally surprises me, but I have never left myself ever in the whole ride”.

Lets divide the entirety of ‘What IS’ into 2 entities – body and psychic force.
In reality there is no body but rather there is only psychic force/spirit/energy/god.
Body is like a machine/structure that is created by the psychic force as a crystallized part of itself, and then the psyche perceives then perceives the REST OF ITSELF “THROUGH” this structure/crystallization/body.
So in a sense, the psyche has created a point of view (via. the body structure) and now experiences the rest of itself through this point of view.

Now the psyche when experiencing itself through a crystallization/structure/body, forgets its true nature and starts to identify with the structure/body itself.
This may be so that it can enjoy the unique experience of being a LITERAL object.
Once the psyche starts to believe that it is the body, in essence the psyche has also simultaneously become unconscious to the fact that the body is not its real nature and is simply part of itself it has voluntarily chosen to crystallize into and limit reality experience.

So now, a duality has been created in the psyche by the psyche forgetting itself. This is the origin of duality.
Unconscious Psyche – Forgetting its true nature: resulting in believing that it is the literally the body OR that it is an object.
Conscious Psyche – Manifests itself as the WILL of the body structure (Pure ego experience).
As long as the psyche believes that it is the body – there will be fear.
This is because, if it is the body, then loss of the body is possible from the forces outside itself.
We can therefore see another duality – Self and the other.
The psyche believes itself to be a ‘self’ and calls the rest of existence the ‘other’.
Again since the other always contains forces that can vanquish the self, the psyche lives in fear.

When the psyche realizes that its real nature is much vaster that the body and that it has nothing to fear because it is all of existence/experience itself, then the psyche is liberated from its ‘point of view’ which it previously believed to be itself.

So transcendence or liberation is about the psyche getting liberated from its own point of view which was voluntarily chosen. The psyche realizes that there was never an other, and that it is everything in existence.
The identification of the psyche moves out of its limiting point of view to the entirety of itself.

Imagine you had a capsule filled with salt, and dropped it in water. As long as the capsule is not dissolved, the salt stays safe inside. But once the capsule is dissolved, the salt is immediately seized by the water, engulfs it, and the water thereby starts rapidly eroding and dissolving the salt into itself. To the extent to which the capsule walls have dissolved, to that extent, the water would access more and more surface area of the salt and dissolve it.

I feel like this is analogous to what is happening to the ego and its repression walls. Say the ego = salt, repression walls = capsule, water = God/Reality/What IS.

So its like my repression walls (capsule) have been greatly dissolved, and therefore the salt (which is my ego or what I believe I am) is being attacked by the water relentlessly. It seems like once the repression walls are removed, there is no escape from this process of dissolution. I have no choice but to completely let go and let myself(ego) be completely dissolved by the water/life.

And later maybe, once the dissolving is completed, and my suffering has ended, I would BE the entire water, or the salt(ego) that I am would embed itself seamlessly into all of the water.

But I don’t know how long I would have to endure trial after trials.
Seems neverending. I am constantly in a state of entranced dread.
I just have to surrender that too.