Depression is a protective system

printed-circuit-board

The psyche is like a dynamic living structure/circuit.
Its physical correlate might be the ‘nervous system’.
There is a variable amount of electricity/spirit that can be passed through the nervous system.
The self (ego/self structure) is the determiner of how much spirit (dynamic energy) should be received.
The brain is a reducing value rather than the creator of reality.
The brain is more of a focusing instrument.
The RAS(Reticular activating system) in the brain determines how much power/electricity/spirit must be passed through the nervous system – and this also correspondingly activates the psyche structure.
We could say the ego/self controls this RAS and uses this like a volume control to optimize output based on its goals.

The psyche structure has a circuit.
– If the wiring is very chaotic and silo like(i.e. there are multiple contradictions, conflicts, incompatible compartments, lot of split-selves(locus-es, clusters)), then there the self turns down the RAS to maintain circuit integrity and limit circuit connectivity.
– On the other hand, if the wiring is sound, well integrated, without any incompatible wiring, then the RAS can be comfortably turned up and the system can work more powerfully and efficiently without a short circuit and the parts can function coherently, harmoniously with minimum interference.

An important thing is remember is that, PAIN in essence is from conflict.
So depression is a protective mechanism against PURE PAIN.
Opiates are released in response to pain.
That is why depression and high opiate release are highly connected (which also explains why the depressed person feels a flat AFFECT and loss of memory access).

A depressed person has a lot of internal chaos and conflict.
[Conflicting values, conflicting drives, conflicting ideologies and so on]
This chaos and conflict creates pain.
Now, if greater energy is passed from the RAS through the conflicting circuits, then there could easily be a short circuit and something may blow up.
Whereas if the energy passed through the circuits is lowered, then only the critical circuits receive power, and large areas of potential conflict could be kept low-key and relatively dormant.
So depression kicks in, to make chaos manageable, to mitigate pain, and it is an attempt of the organizing system to handle one thing at a time starting from the most critical.

That is why sometimes LSD and Ayahuasca can cause violent reactions, because it would increase the circuit power and connectivity reach via. RAS, forcing disconnected, compartmentalized, and dormant parts to interact with each other, which could potentially cause a lot of conflict/chaos = pain.
But however if one wants to function as ONE integrated personality, then such a pain could be a good learning experience in terms of facing this chaos so that one could see through the transcendent principle behind it.
These transcendent principles thus seen can be used to integrate the disconnected parts.

Transformation and Healing are simultaneous

change

Old structure —-<—{Transformation}—- Chaos —{Healing}–>– New structure

Life is an endless movement from the old to the new.
—->— old ————>———– new —->—
When in-between the passage, if you look at your old structure you see transformation.
On the other hand, if you look at the prospective new structure from this mid point, you see healing/becoming (heading towards the new state of coherence).
So they both are simultaneous, the view just changes between transformation and healing depending on whether you look backwards or forwards.

This is similar to how creation and destruction are simultaneous in the movement of life. Again depends on which direction you look.

e-motion = energy in motion.

rainbowhearts

Emotion is what makes us move.
The mind/intellect is the map.
The emotion is the motor.
If you have no emotion, then the map only shows you infinitely possibilities.
In fact if you have only the mind, it will simply show you the pros and cons with every investment.
It will paralyze you with indecision by showing you infinite EQUIVALENT possibilities.
It is love that moves everything.
All “will” is from emotion, from the heart.
The seat of vitality is in the heart.
All instruments serve the divine heart.

There is no karma/causation/history

causation

The whole notion of there being an accumulation or karma – a storehouse of impressions – is this really true?
Isn’t it is a kind of dream or a kind of imagination?
Isn’t it a kind of dream that a person gravitates to, to find meaning in his life.
What if there is no storehouse, and it is all arising NOW as the emergence/unfolding of the ONE?
Is there really any HISTORY at all?
What if there is no such thing as history apart from an “Imagined history”?
What(the field?) is it that is dreaming up this world?

By imagined I don’t mean the part of imagination that you control consciously (working memory and conscious mind etc.).
I mean the whole that includes the entirety of the IMAGINAL SPACE including the parts that you cannot control but yet are you.

Control is not the only factor determining ownership.
You are both – what you can control and what you cannot control.
You are both – what is voluntary and what is involuntary.
You are the field, and that includes parts you can control and parts you cannot.

The “Small You” as you picture yourself, appears in this SPACE (this space is your context), and the “Real You” is this whole space/field.
You are the imagination of the the philosophers stone, and the philosophers stone appears to you in your imagination as an object (PARADOX).
Is it the same paradox as idol worship.
You see the ALL in the idol, so you are within the idol’s field and it is also true that the idol is an object within your field.
To solve this paradox, we have to understand the holographic nature of reality. We have to understand “mutually-dependent origination”(Buddhism) and the “Indra’s net concept”(Hinduism).
Every point is the whole and contains the whole.
1 – The drop contains the whole ocean
2 – And so does every other drop
3 – And each drop’s potential is reflected in each and every other drop
Contemplate on points 1, 2 and 3.
So you can see the whole from any point of view(pov).
Because every point contains ALL.
That is how one can have those mystical experiences we hear about from people on LSD such as “Seeing the entire universe in an ashtray etc. Other examples might be: Getting the experience of shiva through an idol OR Even seeing the whole universe reflected in the eyes of a lover.

I feel like then the idea of karma, and that one has to exhaust all their impressions and then reach a certain projected/”imaginal” state of peace/bliss/happiness/completion/enlightenment is a dream.
The greatest dream is the dream of pursuing enlightenment.
There is no karma at all.
There is no self or other at all.
There is only the unfoldment of the ONE/WHOLE.
There is no causation because there is no time(time is an appearance in imagination) and no separate objects(separation is an appearance in imagination(of the field)), for one to influence/affect or be the cause of the change of state in an other.
Nothing is substantial and nothing exists apart from the ONE/WHOLE.
No part exists independently from the whole, but rather each part is in-fact part is an appearance of the whole and sustained by the whole.

The whole field is animated by the divine point light like the projector ray of light which moves so fast it creates the illusion of an APPEARANCE/WORLD/CONTEXT/MAYA.
So as one increases one’s frequency of perception more and more, the transition that happens is like: Say you are looking at the TV, and the frequency of your eye keeps on increasing (to the level of a horse fly and greater), what would happen?
Eventually the persistence of vision (1/10th of a second normally) will decrease more and more, and you would start to see images flashing more and more rapidly. Soon the PICTURE would DISAPPEAR, and this is akin to the dissolution of the ILLUSION/MAYA.
Finally when your frequency is super high, you will just see the one point of light (which is actually responsibly for drawing the whole picture).
Now this persistence of vision is an analogy for your FREQUENCY OF VIBRATION.
Higher vibration beings see “what is objectively real for a lower vibrational being” as being only a possibility or an appearance.
What is real for a lower vibrational being is an appearance for a higher vibrational being.

Analogy:
A horse fly may be able to pass in and out of the spinning fan blades.
What looks like a circular solid object to you (fan blades when the fan is in full speed from persistence of vision), to the horse fly it just looks like 3 blades moving, and it can easily find the gap and pass in and out of the horizontal plane of the fan.
Similarly a higher vibration being can perform miracles simply because he sees all the gaps in the rock like illusion of a lower dimensional being.
He can easily see the whole structure of it and its pattern of unfoldment.

So I can say “PERSISTENCE OF VISION” = responsible for creating illusion/dream/maya/continuity. (metaphorically)

Another analogy would be, supposing you are watching a movie, and a character pushes another character and the other one falls down.
Now, from the screen’s point of view, did the 1st character pixels really CAUSE the 2nd character pixels to fall down or shift? OR was it all simply done by the screen?
The whole thing was an emanation from the whole screen, and no part in the screen was the cause of any other part’s movement or affect.

The whole moves the whole

Peintures

The whole moves the whole (truth)
No part moves the whole (illusion of agency)
No part moves another part (illusion of causation)
The whole has no history (story/narrative illusion)
It is ever refreshing, ever renewing (dance of the ONE)
The whole is alive (I am aliveness)

Happiness and Depression in general

happiness-depression

My real happiness automatically means the other person is accepted.
My depression automatically means the other person is not accepted.
This is a side effect, it is based on the overall context of that person’s life itself (much beyond the person’s will power or control available).
It is not something the person chooses as such (they do have a choice but it is not much, like it is only from the top of the iceberg portion.)

That is why universally beings gravitate to happy beings (and avoid depressed beings).
Depressed (low spirit contact) ——————————— Happy(high spirit contact)
That is because universally what is loved is ‘spirit’.
That is why children are naturally loved, because they are the closest to ‘spirit’.

So the idea of bringing up children, is for them to have minimum loss of spirit as they grow up.
It is to minimize the loss of their spirit as you introduce them to society, culture, human games, and creating an identity etc.

You want them to choose an identity from their own freedom and then help shape it better like a potter adding finesse using all of your experience and knowledge.
(One easy way to kill a child’s spirit is impose/enforce something seriously unreasonable on him (role-reversal etc.) or something totally different and out of his nature, and tell him – “Be THAT otherwise you are a shameful loser”)
Bringing up happy adults -> retention of a high amount of spirit in adulthood
Bringing up depressed adults -> loss of a lot of spirit in adulthood

In other words, if the ‘identity’ serves spirit you have a happy person, else a depressed person.

Of course depressed adults will program the children with the depression programming – consciously(top of iceberg) or unconsciously(under the iceberg).

So there are only 2 kinds of families really:
Happy families, Unhappy families – and infinite variation of these 2 themes.

Spirit I feel is not a specific kind of expression, way of being, behavior pattern, appearance etc. It can express itself in a multitude of ways.
I feel all spirit means is high electricity/high energy = high freedom
Spirit = freedom
So a person is happy when he has spirit, that is freedom.
A person is unhappy when he lacks spirit, that is being stuck.

‘Ken Wilber’ says the same:
Contact with Spirit = Happiness
Away from Spirit = Depression
That’s all there really is.

All 3 spectrums are equivalent:
Freedom ————————— Stuck
Happy——————————- Depressed
High spirit ————————- Low spirit

The final rites of letting go

letting-go-hazel-billingsley

I have relinquished almost all investments with others.
Now, I stand alone with only my parents around me.
As I let go more and more, I am falling into an energy space that has no overlap with my parents.
My parents are my final investment, and I am getting desperate in trying to connect with them in some way.
This is because if I don’t achieve some connection/structure/basis then I will fall into no-self, chaos, the dream, and emptiness.
This is scary to me, and that part of me is driving my efforts for desperate connection.
Even if it means finding fault with others(parents), and infusing urgency into the fact that they MUST solve their problems, and I will help them, and so on.
I can see through this though, and I have compassion for that part of me.

In fact I see that there is no overlap between my energy and ANYBODY else.
I see the part of me that is freaking out
That part which seeks out support/connection/bolstering for my identity.
That part is actually my identity/ego/social-self itself.
Without this bolstering one falls into the unknown, into the dream, and into emptiness, without a story, continuity, identity, or a structure.
That is how it appears.

The illusion of continuity and structure is maintained by others.
Without others, there is nothing to UPHOLD the self/ego.
Our self/ego is only a social-construct thriving on continual reinforcement.
The grief is in dropping this mega-project of the hope of securing validation of my value and worth from an other, and of contact with an other who would give me the respect of fully seeing me.
I have never received the “seeing/validation of worth and value” in any consistent way all through my life.
It has come in bits and pieces and has created so many fragmented selves.
Maybe that is what drove me towards the project of freedom, because the chaos and a lack of a stable pov was getting painful.

But now, I want to be emptied of all these dependent coagulations/structures/identities and give up everything that is not upheld inherently by existence itself.
The price to pay feels like everything, but I can also sense that nothing of true value is ever lost and all I am losing is my burdens.