Journey to the Abstract

I am fundamentally running out of egoic energy in every form.
All intellection, thought, practices, even the finest ones which “I DO” is resistance against ‘What Is’.
In fact intellection and thought is subtle energy, it requires imposing control on mental frames which is really tiresome.
All “doing” is resistance against ‘What Is’ – from the subtlest to the grossest doing.
What is running out is this separate self/egoic energy.
I have exhausted my tank of imposing my will on ‘What IS’ or struggling/resisting ‘What IS’.
Even the subtlest imposition of will on ‘What IS’, is resistance against the tide.
It is like movement against an existing medium, like walking in water, or swimming.
At times, I feel less resistance from the medium relatively when there is “higher energy” but when “energy reduces” there is higher resistance felt.
It all comes down to “control” again. Are you controlling experience? In any form?.
All control is invariably resistance, because it is imposing a will on a medium, and the medium does offer resistance no matter what.
Reality is forever eluding my concepts/understanding about it, no matter how rich, vast, complex or incredible my models might be.
It takes energy to uphold concepts/understanding/imposition of frames. And this is precisely the energy that is running out. I can nowadays only hold frames for a few hours at a time.
After that, the energy runs out, I go back into a sort of obliviousness, but when I come back, a different frame appears and I hold that for the next time period, and so on.
Reality is infinite, boundless and mysterious.
“Infinite” in a noun form is analogous to “boundless”
“Infinite” in a verb form is analogous to “mystery”.
As each day passes, my learning paradoxically is about how “I don’t know”.
This unknowing is instilled in me at finer and finer levels as each day passes.
There are so many fine grades and levels of this seeing of unknowing.

Entry and filling – and departure and vacating – of life force.
What we really love is the life force and nothing else.
The life force is synonymous with mystery, change, freedom, vibration, riches and intensity.
So life and death is the [arising, filling and passing] of life force.
It’s a dance between 2 – Awareness and Aliveness.
Aliveness [arises/emerges, fills and passes/dissolves] within Awareness.
This is the package or game of life and death, which happens by the waxing and waning of aliveness[beloved] within awareness.

The material realm and other laws and cycles including the wake, dream, sleep cycle etc. form the base of the aliveness appearance.
Aliveness, along with this base material appearance, also provides many other form and formless realms as possibilities.
When aliveness is at its high point, it provides the greatest riches and freedom.
When aliveness is at its lowest point, one feels completely bound and mechanized by the tyranny of all the laws, losing all possibilities and freedom.
Finally when aliveness fully vacates it ends the duality with awareness and sinks back into awareness causing deep sleep.

Sports is all man made games.
Where man defines the rules of the game.
And skill is built within the rules.
In some sense, every formal dance form is something similar.
Martial art forms too represent something similar.
It is expression within chosen constraint.

All authority is about gaining standing while playing the human games.
This also gives one status.
So all status, authority, power (money, influence) are hard earned elements from playing the joint human games.
It is the human game relativity.
All jobs are something similar.
Be it involving Consumerism, Technology advancement and so on.
It is working and doing your best, given the rules of the company game and the broad market game itself.
Logical debates too represent the same following of rules.
When looking for transcendence, one is looking out of all the games in the playground. One is looking for the truth beyond all the human games.
It’s like, you graduate from all games, and graduation here means seeing through them and losing interest.
I am looking for the real truth, not any fabricated human games, which are good for entertainment.
One can lose himself in the entertainment of all the human games, and get so involved, he can even forget about his mortality completely.
But what is this life? Where are we? Who am I? What is going on? Why are we here? Isn’t existence really absurd? Why is there so much restriction of freedom? What is the nature of aging? What is unchanging? What is the essence and is there any definite essence I can capture?
I need to look past all the games to see beyond.
What are the expressions that go to the edge and beyond all the human games that look like circles to me? What is at the edge of knowing? Who are the pioneers pushing boundaries?
This is where my true interest lies. Everything else does not interest me much, because I can see through them, and all the games do nothing to tell me about the absurdity of my existence, which is the key question I am interested in.
Everything is going round and round and swinging like a pendulum, but what is the force from beyond that creates such a persistent appearance/predictable universe?
Jobs, sports, dance, martial arts, art and so on – its all human games.
Human games allow one to accumulate authority, power, status, identity, role, influence, desirability.
These are the things that do not particularly interest me.
I am much more interested to know what lies beyond.

Everytime I think something is true,
It is shown to be empty by the next contradictory appearance.
I can say or declare “nothing is true”,
But as this knowledge enters my cells, it is astonishing at each step.
It is an infinite abyss and I fall through ever deepening nothingness.

Reality crushes me like a vice
Reality wraps around my self like a coiled snake
Everytime my ego breathes, it’s grip tightens
I am in the jaws of the tiger’s mouth
There is no escape.

This is a real death.
Death of an energetic formation through which I have lived all my life
It is getting impossible to stand on anything
Every ground or belief that I cling to is being removed
My mind lives in a sort of desperation and fear
To find something to stand on, some support

Others in the consensus reality are still fast asleep
They laugh and taunt me
At my fumbling to find even a basic ground
Like a child laughs at an old man who is facing the jaws of death
But I know the real terror of it
It is humiliating to see myself in contrast to others
Who seem to have so much of consistent power
I miss my former days of glory and potential
Where I felt delight in so many things

I am forsaken by the world and god
My inner resources are getting weaker and weaker to withstand this onslaught
The isolation only keep increasing and reality tightens more and more
It is getting impossible to escape and I have to consciously witness my dying
Luckily, I get small breaks every now and then
Where there is some relief, some peace, some understanding, a hint of joy

Overall, I do see this is something that needs to happen
Transcendence is the only TRUE solution
I wish it would have been easier
But then I also see, that the only way to be fearless
Is to be NOTHING, and thereby having “Nothing to lose”
The price of Attaining nothing (paradoxically), is to lose everything

All insight is empty too
All knowledge is empty too
All practice is empty too
All ego/personality is empty too
All suffering is empty
All writing is empty
All relationships are empty
All joy and pleasure is empty too
It’s all just a dream
All stories are empty too
There is just this changing moving emptiness
Attention faculty is empty too
Experiences come through form or formlessly
No condition for how/when an experience should come and from which form it should come can be imposed
It can come in any form or formlessly at any time
Experience is not bound by form
Rather experience appears to come through forms as props just like to actors play different roles in different movies
Joy can come through any form
Suffering can come through any form
Because the form is simply the prop that induces experience in you
All form is empty, All emptiness is revealed in form
There is no reason to feel any emotion towards any form because the form is only a prop in the play of experience inside you
You create the illusion of form and experience through forms using the forms as props to dance the energy you are
Presence of absence or emptiness is the greatest presence

The ego believes in control and ownership responsibility and thereby takes on the burden of maintaining and forwarding it’s creation.
The mystic has surrendered such a control, ownership, responsibility, and lives as a facilitator and conduit for God’s will to unfold.
He is free of such a responsibility and simply glides through the wind gracefully like a bird in the skies flying with the wind or the sailor sailing on the sea.
The difference between the world of the egoist and world of the mystic is that one is a motorboat while the other is a sailboat.
The motorboat imposes it’s power against the forces of nature like winds, waves etc. The sail boat on the other hand moves in harmony with the forces of nature like winds and waves.
It is in harmony with the music of the dao/nature.

The motorboat becoming a sail boat and voluntarily giving itself up to be in harmony with the music of the Dao and also seeing the futility of its goals against the Dao, is the path of ego death.
The ego death grants merger/union into the larger and vaster dao music.

Anything that you DO gets in the way of the flow of the dao music
With every doing you add a discordant note in the symphony
When you are BEING with the whole, the doing will automatically harmonize with the whole.
To BE anything is to stand out in relief from the whole.
To be the whole, is to be emptiness itself, which transcends all the somethings that the whole may appear to be and flow through.

I cannot control experience
That is the humiliation for the ego whose job is to control and direct experience
With seeing the egos futility, the ego gets depressed and resigns
It loses all direction and simply tries to maintain the most basic status quo and frames
Which also gets harder and harder as the higher subtler oversoul withdraws power from the ego

One is everything at all times, the oversoul is me even now, but it is simply veiled by my grosser ego energy and mind energy
Like silence is there all the time but it is simply the noises that cover it up.

Don’t expect to enjoy anything
Dissolve the “This should not be” emotion
Take the brilliant bitter suffering and pain
Don’t be the cause of extra pain either
Get the ego out of the way from suffering or pleasure

You cannot pay and expect pleasure
Even the most socially touted pleasures can bring bitter displeasure and disharmony
And one cannot know when what will bring pleasure or bitterness
Because it is alive
It is a mystery
Planning for an experience is impossible
It’s unknown all the time
No food will do it…no place…no person…no situation…no relationship…no thing.
This complete removal of all predictability, brings the mystery unknown in, where one is fully alive.
Such a person cannot live with any dead thought, idea, belief, method, structure, ideology, religion, rule, or law.
You cannot assume anything or use any knowledge as a ground
This marks the stepping of egoic life into greater-aliveness life.

The self can never be rejected, only an other can be rejected. Rejection is impossible once you see YOU are ALL THAT IS. It is also not possible to have a relationship with yourself. You can only have a relationship with an other. There is no shame in any formation that the self may take. Shame is simply for social behavior regulation. Just like there is no time really, time is again a construct for social convenience. There is no fear either because how can you fear yourself . Also fear is a relationship and when all is you there are no relationships. You simply know everything as intimately as you know your own hands. Identity or personality itself is for the socio-cultural organism, a socially given role. It seems all pervasive and feels personal but in actuality it is just a social construct and has no reality about WHAT you are or what you must be.

Get out of such illusions of what is real and see that NOTHING is real. Enter into the subjective from the objective and free yourself from the tyranny and oppression and narrowness of the objective. The ABSOLUTE truth is NOTHING. If someone tells you there is one, then they are trying to get you into their bandwagon to bolster their own empty formations and prolong them. Spirit is always alive and moving. Formations are VIBRANT when spirit fills them, but when spirit departs, formations become empty and need support and that is where all the controlling mind-games start. Maintaining something unreal is what needs support crutches for which there are zillions of traps used by people. But it is all a desperation of trying to hold on to smoke or prolong it. LET GO and move in tandem with the effortless. Give up AND let go of any false thing that is not supported by spirit. It’s absolutely useless trying to hold on to something that is not inherently upheld by spirit.