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What is the use of holding on to memories of suffering?

Approach 1:
Holding on to past hurts.
Its like you are holding on to hurt, and then building a defense to prevent someone from doing it again.
Aggression is also a preemptive form of defense ultimately.
Approach 2:
Another option is to let go of the hurt from your energy, forget it like it never happened, and then there is a possibility of it happening again.
Imagine this possibility does happen, and someone does hurt you again.

Approach 1 is ludicrous. Even if the other person cannot hurt you because of your defense, you are hurt ALL THE TIME since you are holding on to it all the time.
Its like you are saying, I am already completely hurt, so its impossible for you to hurt me.
That may give a feeling of false power (from ignorance of the real reality), since now the other CANNOT hurt you.

Our vulnerability to others creates the potential for us to feel the greatest humiliation of being negatively AFFECTED.
But our vulnerability also opens us to feel profoundly positively affected too.
In the case of hurt, it is negative affect.
To avoid this negative affect from others, because of maybe having being burnt real bad too many times, we may decide to seal off all others as an act of severe rebellion and retaliation.
This decision looks like the perfect one from the ego’s perspective considering the sheer unfairness and humiliation it had to go through.
The ego needs to be given compassion for whatever it endured.
But the inner mechanics really reveal the disastrous effects of this decision.
Firstly, there is a VENGEANCE charge about maintaining your separation/dissociation with others.
This vengeance charge is ultimately coming from the intensity of the hurt you underwent.
So the vengeance extends its charge in time, which means its concomitant hurt is carried in your body too. This is because, if you stopped holding on to the hurt, and dropped that memory and allowed yourself to simply forget about it from your whole being, then it would be impossible to have a vengeance charge at all.
The vengeance charge needs the hurt to be held on in its ripe form.
So in this design, you are continuously experiencing hurt in your body all the time and you are continuously discharging the vengeance charge too on whoever comes close to you. Whatever form the vengeance may take, either aggression or total dissociation.
Its like a person who set his whole body ablaze continuously, so that nobody can burn him again. Well, he is already burning everywhere! So he has lost pounds for the pennies he would get when he watches someone try to attack him and fail.
Its like:
“Hurt begets hurt”.
“Hurting people hurt others”.
Another mechanic here, is that, if you have so much vengeance, you will look for a target to unleash it upon, because else the vengeance cannot maintain itself. So it will find a series of abusive relationships and live through them.
So this hurt+vengeance package tries to justify its existence by ATTRACTING environments that necessitate its need.
So now you have a double whammy, you also tend to attract the same traumatizing circumstances again and again so that you can unleash your vengeance.
But you cannot fight fire with fire. It just perpetuates itself.
This is a very complex conundrum.
It is important to feel compassion for all that you have been through in the hands of horrible people.
But, “Forgiving and Forgetting” seems to be the only SANE choice in the light of all the mechanics of what can follow if we choose to hold on to hurt and unleash vengeance/bitterness/contempt/anger.
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What is the witness of the subtlest to the grossest objects?

This witness is a field, it subsumes all the subtle-gross objects and is fundamentally beyond.
Even to say it is beyond all the objects is incorrect.
Rather it includes and transcends.
The field is free of ALL the gross-subtle objects in it. They are all just an appearance in the field, and the field is completely inherently free from all these appearances, just like your TV screen is free of all the pictures that appear on it.
A better analogy is, it is like moving to a higher dimension where all the subtle-gross objects are only ONE of its possible appearances.

So, it is only belief that is the prison.
If you believe that there is an world outside of you, you have not transcended.
Whereas if you see the world is inside of you (your field) as an appearance, then you have transcended it.
You only outgrow the hypnosis of seeing yourself as a part of the world, into seeing the world as a possibility or appearance of the field that you are.
An even better analogy is of waking up from a dream and becoming lucid within the dream.
Now, you see all the dream objects and people as you, since you know that you are the dream itself and that the whole dream is your field.
Moving from being in a dream world, to seeing the whole dream field as YOUR APPEARANCE is the transition.
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Converting Depression into Flow

The thing about depression is that, it is only seen in relativity.
There is some benchmark of performance, ability, condition that you are comparing your current state against.

The 2 broad relativity elements:
– One element is relativity w.r.t other people and their state of mind you observe/intuit/vicariously feel/experience/empathize with.
– The other element is relativity with your own happy memories and memories of other freer states of mind with higher possibilities.

To avoid the 1st relativity, you can isolate yourself.
To avoid the 2nd relativity, you can try to absorb your mind in something.

If there is an “interest potential” present in the mind, and you can simply tap into that. Like something you really want to read about, a video you wanted to watch etc. In my experience, there is always something the mind is most interested in – at every moment.
We think of the mind as a noun, a thing.
But actually it is a verb, a flow, a movement.
Without movement of the mind, you would be in deep sleep.
So one method is to simply BE and FLOW as the whole mind, and let it go where-ever it wants to. You will notice in this approach, the mind will automatically after a while center itself on some core issues, road block in your life that is troubling you.

Generally, if a deep need of yours is not fulfilled, the mind will naturally get preoccupied with that. So one way to avoid resistance and struggle is to surrender to whatever interest appears. It can be anything. Many a times, this spontaneous interest might be quite out of line, with what you would like yourself to be/think/do/act etc. But those images are precisely the ones that need to be surrendered. That way, the mind can simply flow with whatever movement it naturally has.
It will naturally mobilize and center itself in the direction of your core issue/problem if you just allow it. It will eventually settle on your deepest longings.

The main suffering here is of NOT ACCEPTING the states of longing, desperation, looping thoughts, obsessions, fixations, chaos, slowness, heaviness, debilitation, fatigue, emptiness, guilt, regret, feeling sorry, pity, anger, rage, uneasiness, unpleasantness, physical pain, stuckness of forces, despair regarding where to move.
So if you just allow the whole mind to flow, it will take you down a deep rabbit hole and solve everything as it goes through that. Your life experience may change in unimaginable ways and you may comprehend mystical insights far above your current level.
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Energy Fluctuations

The available energy for my ego/agency/power keeps widely varying/fluctuating throughout the day.
It is quite random and unpredictable.
The energy withdrawal at times is so sharp that it sharply nose dives towards emptiness.
When this happens, whatever I still haven’t let go of, gets crushed by the reducing energy.
Imagine, you suddenly receive only 1/10th of your monthly salary. Doesn’t this put a huge crunch on your finances for that month? All your possessions feel like a burden and you may have to sell some stuff, give away stuff, cut corners and somehow get through the month.
This is something like that.
My wildly fluctuating energies, prevent me from holding on to anything.
Because I do not know when I would suddenly lose everything.
Suddenly, I get squeezed like a lemon.
OR
I can say it is like the jaws of the tiger’s mouth suddenly tightening on the ego (the structure I hold on to as me).
So the rajas, tamas, and sattva are quite unpredictable.
As a rule:
I get the insight in the sattvic times, and try to apply the insight method in the tamasic times.
The tamasic times feels like immobilizing encumbrance, burden.
The rajasic times feel like desperation, turmoil and anxiety.
The sattvic times are the times when I feel clear, peace, clarity.
I have to be ever-ready to deal with whatever fluctuation happens.
When the energy rushes in, I feel fear because I don’t know when it might be taken away from me.
When the energy is low, I feel fear it might remain that way for too long.
At both times, the “This too shall pass” creates a fear contraction and tightening in me.
This is like an endless moment to moment surprise adventure.
It reminds me of a part of the navy seal training.
They train you to face unpredictable situations without giving into fear.
The face of the person in training is covered with a black cloth bag.
Now the bag is suddenly removed, and he is made to face some unexpected situation.
It could be 3 people trying to attack him, or something as trivial as someone asking him where the nearest station is.
This energy fluctuation I am going through feels similar.
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States of being

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Significance, wonder, ecstasy, joy, celebration, love, Meaningfulness, polymorphic sensuousness, absorptions, happiness, elation, exaltation, exhuberance, peace, contentment, upliftment, soaring, exotic feelings, enjoyment, togetherness, security, satisfaction, fulfillment, fullness, abundance, freedom, health, enchantment, inspiration – are all positive “states of being”.

Insignifance, boredom, dreariness, weariness, sadness, numbness, meaninglessness, dryness, inertness, scatteredness, depression, feeling down, burdened, lack of energy, disturbance, turmoil, weighty, crushed, painful aversive feelings, suffering, loneliness, insecurity, longing, emptiness, scarcity, trapped, disease, disenchantment, disinterest – are all negative “states of being”.

The positive/negative states of being make up the 2 poles of the ONE BEING.
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The physical world is a mirror of the invisible world

reflection_in_the_mirror-1494496

The physical world is a mirror of the invisible world.
If you want to know the invisible world, look at the physical world.
All the forces that act in the physical world – the same forces act in the invisible world too.
All the rules for gross objects, apply to the invisible subtle objects too.
Just like we have:
– Solid Objects
– Smaller parts, nuts and bolts
– Powder
– Molecules
– Atoms
– Quarks
– …
Similarly in the invisible world of vibration/feeling/sensation, we have the same gross to subtle forces spectrum.
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Threads of causation

The causation thread goes all the way to the infinite/to god/to the unknown/mystery/blurry/foggy horizon
So each and every thing can be traced back to god/mystery/unknown.
It follows the thread of the known – getting subtler and subtler until it vanishes past your seeing ability reaching the horizon/unknown.
All attribution of substance(gross to subtle) depends on how far one sees into the causation thread.
If you see short, you see definite gross entity causes, if you see far, you see various subtle potentials manifesting everything and the picture looks far more complex.
If one sees the farthest, he sees all causation threads leading back to the infinite nothing.
Ultimately everything is a VERB, an UNFOLDING, a PROCESS.
There are forces, which are aggregate of smaller forces, and those smaller forces are aggregates of even smaller forces and so on.
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My ultimate desire

I’m not interested in new senses.
I’m not interested in more content.
Rather, I want the “force/cathexis/energy/desire/power/emotion/beauty/interest/passion/love” that functions invisibly with content.
But even all of the above are temporal subtle objects separate from me, which I experience and they can be taken away from me like any-thing temporal.
So what I surrender is not the object, but it is my way of seeing it/the perception of it as separate and the temporal space-time experience that comes as a result of that.
All of enlightenment is only about changing perception and nothing else.
One simply dissolves all separateness into larger and larger spaces, until your identity is all there is.
All drives are like subtle invisible(feeling only, like one feels wind) objects.
And the question is raised “Who/What is it that stands apart and witnesses the object, controls it, acts like a valve of how much energy should go to it”.
What is the control mechanism, valve like mechanism, energy trapper, that directs energy in a certain algorithm towards seemingly external inert objects?”
What is that “machine” that manipulates the shining of the primordial light and focuses it on only some objects and not others?
What is this entity in front of eyes that manipulates my clear seeing in a certain way?
I ultimately just want the ONE(the ultimate one without a second) and I want to MERGE/UNION with it.
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Ultimately all anger is about desires

Ultimately all anger is about desires.
We are angry at all the reasons because of which our desires are not being met.
Now call one ‘good’ and the other ‘evil’. Does it matter which formation pervades? Creation or destruction?
It is a war.
Until there is transcendence of some kind, there is only war.
Until a perspective is reached that embraces both, there is war.
Ultimately each one wants to convert the other to himself or include the other.
But stuff like creation and destruction, good and bad, are inherently contradictory, and therefore inclusion of the other will destroy the original perspective.
If you think of yourself as ‘something’, there is invariably going to be war.
Whether that something is good or bad is a matter of perspective.
It is a something you have identified with.
Removal of cathexis from all perspectives/points of view/desires, makes one empty, He can now take on any point of view/any formation/any identity, if desired.
When one is free of identifying with the formation (any formation/something), then one is identified with the field instead, and can move into any formation in the field.
It is like being free of gravity. Free of the gravity that holds and binds your experience down to this identity alone.
Its like a guy who does not call himself Indian, American, Filipino etc. gets the passport to all countries. But if he calls himself an Indian etc. he only gets the Indian passport and can only visit other somewhat agreeable countries very briefly (tourist visa).
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Thoughts – Aug 1

The Greatest fear is LOSS.
PAIN usually accompanies – the process of loss.
In a sense, if I see both as verbs, then PAIN = LOSS.
Because as loss is happening there is pain.
Also, what is loss for one person, is not a loss for the other.
What matters is loss of what is desired and loved.
This is again different for each person (each a universe) and it just IS, it cannot be understood, so it is absurd in a sense.

Pain is when an undesirable reality replaces a desirable reality.
If it is all a single screen appearance of consciousness, then the undesirable reality replacing the desirable reality is loss of the desirable reality.
So pain and loss are connected and it is ultimately degrees of loss of ‘what is loved’.

So if nothing/infinite is loved, then all its expressions are loved and no-thing is loved, rather the whole field is loved, so all its appearances are loved. So death is not a loss then.
There is only changing experience and one loves the field.
This is the journey from loving somethings’ to loving nothing(field).

Pleasure is felt when – what you want is increased against what you do not want.
Pain is felt when – what you do not want is increased against what you want.
So its all relative.
But what you want at any moment also changes, so its quite mysterious. Each person wants different things too at each time.
That is why pain for one person can be pleasure for the other and vice versa.
What you want is also constantly changing, and it is fundamentally absurd and mysterious.

All emotions are libido in a way.
When emotions are high, libido is high too.
Intense emotions like anger and fear, can be easily converted into libido.

If the nature of everything is God, the instantaneous infinite experience field manifesting instantaneously NOW, then there are no processes, learning, suffering has no value, no growth – nothing.
Everything is a dream. Everything is an appearance. Everything can change. All substance is an appearance too. The vibration can simply move higher and obliterate the whole manifest and create something ENTIRELY NEW in an instant.
Then the value of all experience, is the experience itself, it is the NOW of it.
There is no intrinsic value in memory either, unless you choose to.
Its all a dream. There is infinite memory.
Ultimately you experience, the appearance contents (appear to be remembered) in your conscious field which can expand and contract.

Like Yin/Yang, Heaven/Hell, Pleasure/Pain, Construction forces/Destruction forces, Growth/Decay – There are infinite ways to feel pain, just as there are infinite ways to feel pleasure. Infinite things can go wrong (disharmony) just as infinite things can go right (harmony).

There is only experience ultimately.
And you are the ultimate power.
You will let go of an experience only when you are done with it.
Fully experiencing “whatever experience is” is the only thing.

What we are scared of is the UNKNOWN EXPERIENCE.
Like say you met an alien, and you tune into the alien’s being, and this process disintegrates your entire mind and body to a faster vibration causing your ENTIRE experience to change. Would this not be terrifying?