Journey to the Abstract

Experiencing something totally – eventually changes/sublimates/removes(gross form) the experience.

– Because as you become more and more subtle/fine/silent, the friction between your [subtle observing identification or “subject” (observer ego)] and your [former coarser state which is now the “object” manifest as experience (experience object)].
– All experience is the result of interaction between the subject and object OR the friction between the subject and the object is experience.

– So total experiencing is the way to enlightenment. You keep totally experiencing from where-ever you are (your current level of sharpness of the awareness instrument/identification) and dis-identifying with all the content because you cannot be your experience (because you are one experiencing, so you have to be subtler than that).

– Your “instrument/identification/subject” keeps getting subtler and subtler and revealing more and more subtle content in layers, until you reach nothing.
– The subtler you get, the greater the degrees of freedom released.
– The experiencial nothing (super subtle field permeating everything) is the ground for all that’s above it.
– Its like say you have large 2×2 lego blocks and build structures with that in your prior reality, now these blocks are broken into 0.2×0.2 say, so you have a ton of more pieces and freedom to create more intricate structures.
Now this can further be reduced stage by stage to 0.02×0.02 lego blocks and so on. So at each level you will have more and more freedom.

An Diagram for better imagination:
Imagine an upside down cone of experience, with the gross experience at the top point and the infinitely subtle nothing at the base.
One sinks down to the bottom and and moves identification/subject to subtler and subtler levels while witnessing subtler and subtler experience objects in the journey.
There is death at every stage, it is a staged death.
Death of the specific coarser identification, which gets sublimated into the subtle at each level.

As identification shifts, the divine intelligence works at each level (its natural function) to create structure, coherence, harmony, order, beauty.
So at each stage, there are temporary self structures that are created and dissolved.
So there is alternate coherence – chaos – coherence – chaos in the transformation process as one takes identity into the subtle.

So this is a never ending process of death and rebirth.

The question is about the life situation – subjective vs. objective?
Is it subjectively good/bad and objectively good/bad?
How do I see clearly?
But what I realized is that the objective situation is ultimately a ‘subjective situation’ holding onto I do (a subset of a subjective part which I hold on to as objective).
In fact, the dissolution that has happened in me, is precisely that the dissolution of the objective which has dissolved into subjectivity.
So my experience is more like a dream with no ground – I could say profoundly insecure. Because the ground itself has started changing just like the rest of my experience.
So its all subjective only and I create my reality based on where I put my attention.
And this is again controlled by cathexis which is different all the time.
The unchanging cathexis is what people generally refer to as objective.
But I have no such unchanging cathexsis, now my cathexis itself vibrates and changes in the fire of my being.
I had a high cathexis for my job earlier – the UX field in general.
Now I seem to have lost a lot of it and find it very difficult to rekindle the fire which is now just burning embers.
When seen from the perspective of spirit, there is only the subjective [aliveness, relationships, cathexis, eros, fire, love are the only things that really matter]

Today I had an interesting experience in the short elevator trip – What you believe gets reflected back to you in a loop.

I was generally feeling quite isolated, alienated, separated, lonely, alone -> when I saw the other enter the elevator they appeared so cold, aloof, self-absorbed, narrow, profoundly hostile and unfriendly -> Now when I experienced the other as I described, I mirrored their behavior and I also retracted, stayed totally aloof, poker faced, and even avoided all eye contact -> then I realized even the other person would have seen me as hostile and mirrored the same back to me -> and this would go on forever in a loop.

So there is YOUR BELIEF about the other -> Creating your experience -> Causing you to externally project your relationship to the experience as a behavior -> Others witness your external behavior and what you are putting out -> They process what they witness based on their Beliefs -> which creates their experience -> causing them to externally react/behave based on how they experienced what you put out -> You again witness their reaction to you -> again this new input passes through your beliefs and creates your experience and thereby confirms your belief.

So the experience of reality is a fractal of belief.
But beliefs are always changing.
What changes the belief is a mystery, maya, god itself.

Also, I can only see others(as I experience them) and react. I cannot see myself. Whatever others tell me I am, that is the only self I think/believe I am. But I do not experience myself, just like a flame cannot burn itself. So whatever I believe myself to be (conventionally) is entirely a false construct.

Also, the others that see me and tell me who I am, are seeing their experience of me, which is based on their own beliefs – and beliefs are always changing and moving themselves. So they too are “not seeing the real me” and its not that others can objectively see you.

So this is like a hall of endless mirrors reflecting the one God changing form (as changing beliefs). So then all selves are simply believed to exist.

If our parents during our formative years loved/cherished/nurtured us, then that forms our belief structure -> accordingly shapes our behavior -> and accordingly gets reflected from everyone everywhere -> confirming the belief again.

So a loving person literally lives in a loving world in his experience.
Similarly a hateful person, lives in a hate filled world, because his own belief gets reflected back again and again.

Since only God moves belief -> which moves experience -> all we can do is surrender to the flow.

If there is an experiencer in experience, then the question arises, why is the experiencer standing apart from the experience.
To get something from the experience correct?
Infact experience itself happens because of the friction between the experiencer and the experience that is flowing.
All experience happens by contrast or a fundamental duality between the experiencer and the experienced.

Somewhere in very happy moments, when you are thoroughly absorbed and enjoying something, the absorption causes the experiencer to disappear.
At such moments (say you are doing constant mindfulness practice by habit), you may remind yourself to observe what is going on.
This instantly creates an observer/experiencer where previously there was only absorption.
You can feel this shift.
It would feel as if you are somehow separating yourself from the experience (absorption) and moving to the point of view of a disconnected observer.
In some ways, doing this creates separation/alienation because now again you become the observer.

In deep sleep, it is precisely this separation that does not happen, you are so totally IT, that there is no separation between an experiencer who is experiencing the experience of deep sleep.
Somewhere we all seek experiences in life that would cause our experiencer to disappear.
The experiencer in a way, is always looking for that which would end its presence.

Cathexis is a very interesting concept (from psychoanalysis)
Cathexis = the concentration of mental energy on one particular person, idea, or object OR investment of energy on one particular person, idea, or object.
Just broadening the definition of cathexis in the below paragraph.

What controls beliefs? – belief investment, belief cathexis
What controls thought? – thought investment, idea cathexis
What controls feelings? – emotional investment, emotion cathexis
What controls externally perceivable action? – action investment, action cathexis
In a sense the hierarchy of top-down action would be:
Belief investment -> Thought investment -> Feelings investment -> Action investment
All of these – belief, emotion, thought and action investments are ultimately various forms of energy investment.
What we truly are is the energy itself and all the movements/investments of this energy are appearances of the ONE energy.

Ultimately, Identification with the above investments is the obstacle to liberation.
Dis-identification from the above investments = Liberation.
Investments still happen in liberation, but there is no identification with them.
One identifies oneself not with any investment but rather sees all investment as appearance and identifies solely with the ONE pervading energy essence.
What controls energy movement, energy investment, energy cathexis? = The Mystery
So one may say “I am that ONE energy and my movement is controlled by a mystery which eternally surprises me, but I have never left myself ever in the whole ride”.

Lets divide the entirety of ‘What IS’ into 2 entities – body and psychic force.
In reality there is no body but rather there is only psychic force/spirit/energy/god.
Body is like a machine/structure that is created by the psychic force as a crystallized part of itself, and then the psyche perceives then perceives the REST OF ITSELF “THROUGH” this structure/crystallization/body.
So in a sense, the psyche has created a point of view (via. the body structure) and now experiences the rest of itself through this point of view.

Now the psyche when experiencing itself through a crystallization/structure/body, forgets its true nature and starts to identify with the structure/body itself.
This may be so that it can enjoy the unique experience of being a LITERAL object.
Once the psyche starts to believe that it is the body, in essence the psyche has also simultaneously become unconscious to the fact that the body is not its real nature and is simply part of itself it has voluntarily chosen to crystallize into and limit reality experience.

So now, a duality has been created in the psyche by the psyche forgetting itself. This is the origin of duality.
Unconscious Psyche – Forgetting its true nature: resulting in believing that it is the literally the body OR that it is an object.
Conscious Psyche – Manifests itself as the WILL of the body structure (Pure ego experience).
As long as the psyche believes that it is the body – there will be fear.
This is because, if it is the body, then loss of the body is possible from the forces outside itself.
We can therefore see another duality – Self and the other.
The psyche believes itself to be a ‘self’ and calls the rest of existence the ‘other’.
Again since the other always contains forces that can vanquish the self, the psyche lives in fear.

When the psyche realizes that its real nature is much vaster that the body and that it has nothing to fear because it is all of existence/experience itself, then the psyche is liberated from its ‘point of view’ which it previously believed to be itself.

So transcendence or liberation is about the psyche getting liberated from its own point of view which was voluntarily chosen. The psyche realizes that there was never an other, and that it is everything in existence.
The identification of the psyche moves out of its limiting point of view to the entirety of itself.

Imagine you had a capsule filled with salt, and dropped it in water. As long as the capsule is not dissolved, the salt stays safe inside. But once the capsule is dissolved, the salt is immediately seized by the water, engulfs it, and the water thereby starts rapidly eroding and dissolving the salt into itself. To the extent to which the capsule walls have dissolved, to that extent, the water would access more and more surface area of the salt and dissolve it.

I feel like this is analogous to what is happening to the ego and its repression walls. Say the ego = salt, repression walls = capsule, water = God/Reality/What IS.

So its like my repression walls (capsule) have been greatly dissolved, and therefore the salt (which is my ego or what I believe I am) is being attacked by the water relentlessly. It seems like once the repression walls are removed, there is no escape from this process of dissolution. I have no choice but to completely let go and let myself(ego) be completely dissolved by the water/life.

And later maybe, once the dissolving is completed, and my suffering has ended, I would BE the entire water, or the salt(ego) that I am would embed itself seamlessly into all of the water.

But I don’t know how long I would have to endure trial after trials.
Seems neverending. I am constantly in a state of entranced dread.
I just have to surrender that too.

Let us divide the embedded structures into 2 broad categories:
1. Personal embedded structures
2. Pre-personal embedded structures
– The personal embedded structures are the structures of your mental ego/personality.
– The pre-personal embedded structures are the structures of the collective unconscious. This may include aspects such as genes, dna, heredity and structures related and shared with all of humanity itself.

Now the pure life force/prana/qi is like electricity.
Just as electricity flows through your laptop and powers it on and all its potentials, similarly, the pure life force light passes through the pre-personal embedded structures first and then through the personal embedded structures and enlivens their potentials just like electricity passes through your laptop structure (circuit boards etc.) and enlivens all its potentials.

So pure experience of sattva/light/purusha/brahman/life/god passes through and manifests itself through the prepersonal and personal embedded structures. So the structures are what limit us to THIS experience – prepersonal structures limit us to the human experience, and personal structures limit us further one more level to a specific egoic/personality experience.

In some sense, as long as one is in the human form (structure), the highest level one can transcend is the personal structure. When that is done, one lives the FULL potential of being a human being. To go beyond this, i.e. to transcend the human structure potentials itself, one must dissolve this body structure too. As long as we have a body, we are limited by it since the pure light will manifest itself only through the body structure.

Another good analogy for this might be:
– Imagine Electricity is the pure life force.
– Say your laptop hardware is the prepersonal embedded structure
– And the laptop OS is your personal embedded structure

Now electricity is itself pure and formless.
It flows into the laptop first and enlivens the machine – display, keyboard, trackpad, inputs and so on.
Thereafter, it loads the operating system, which is another structure overlayed which limits the potentials of the machine accordingly.

Imagine you transcend the O.S. aspect of the laptop. That is equivalent to the highest transcendence a human can achieve while still being in the body. So then you could load any O.S. (say there are billions of possibilities) and you would be free of any PARTICULAR O.S. Similarly, one would be free of any particular personality once the personal structure is transcended and thus would have free access to the whole dimension of ‘human experience’.

I’m just completely, totally, cosmically disinterested in everything.
I am even disinterested in surviving – and all the hardships needed to survive.
Basically the care, drive, motivation, meaning, living depth, involvement, interest, investment, desire, wanting has gone to an absolute 0.
So there is NOTHING in living for me.
It is just excruciatingly boring.
It seems like an eternal damnation in a sense.
I cannot even conceive what or how I would be released from this predicament of total despair.
Only the supernatural can relieve me of this condition.
There is absolutely nothing I can do because there is complete disinterest for all my possibilities.
The only thing I really still care about though is, expressing myself.
That is the only drive in me.
To honestly express my situation/condition/predicament.
I realized spirit is an independent dimension of life, that infuses into everything, and is the force that enlivens everything.
Without spirit, life is an intolerable despair.
Without spirit, life is just a machine, a setting, a hollow drama.
And I become the actor who is trapped in this inescapable empty cosmic level drama stage.
I then become a hollow actor in a hollow drama.
Without spirit, there is total disenchantment, total alienation because EVERY SINGLE other person is still invested, and in the world.
I become ‘out of the world’ by this withdrawal of investment, but trapped in it inescapably and wholly.
All I must do then is live in despair day after day.
Initially there is great struggle, suffering, torment turmoil, agitation, terror, panic about living with this despair state of mind.
The mind unleashes its greatest resistance against what it perceives is its greatest possible adversary which is nothingness.
Eventually however even this suffering potential gets exhausted and everything just arrives at a 0.
All the suffering too eventually dissolves and after that there is just emptiness(hollowness, meaninglessness) and living day to day in that, like a lifeless zombie.
Its like living in some kind of empty trance, a void.
For a while there is a deep longing for spirit to return.
Then later even this longing disappears and the nothingness is totally accepted.
There is a complete surrender into spirit and a disappearance of all affective ego and one is simply moved by the universal force.

I explore entire ‘FIELDS OF POSSIBILITY’ themselves.
Including the field of ‘fields of possibility’.
And the field of fields of fields of ‘fields of possibility’
Possibility is everything.