About the experience of total hollowness and despair

I’m just completely, totally, cosmically disinterested in everything.
I am even disinterested in surviving – and all the hardships needed to survive.
Basically the care, drive, motivation, meaning, living depth, involvement, interest, investment, desire, wanting has gone to an absolute 0.
So there is NOTHING in living for me.
It is just excruciatingly boring.
It seems like an eternal damnation in a sense.
I cannot even conceive what or how I would be released from this predicament of total despair.
Only the supernatural can relieve me of this condition.
There is absolutely nothing I can do because there is complete disinterest for all my possibilities.
The only thing I really still care about though is, expressing myself.
That is the only drive in me.
To honestly express my situation/condition/predicament.
I realized spirit is an independent dimension of life, that infuses into everything, and is the force that enlivens everything.
Without spirit, life is an intolerable despair.
Without spirit, life is just a machine, a setting, a hollow drama.
And I become the actor who is trapped in this inescapable empty cosmic level drama stage.
I then become a hollow actor in a hollow drama.
Without spirit, there is total disenchantment, total alienation because EVERY SINGLE other person is still invested, and in the world.
I become ‘out of the world’ by this withdrawal of investment, but trapped in it inescapably and wholly.
All I must do then is live in despair day after day.
Initially there is great struggle, suffering, torment turmoil, agitation, terror, panic about living with this despair state of mind.
The mind unleashes its greatest resistance against what it perceives is its greatest possible adversary which is nothingness.
Eventually however even this suffering potential gets exhausted and everything just arrives at a 0.
All the suffering too eventually dissolves and after that there is just emptiness(hollowness, meaninglessness) and living day to day in that, like a lifeless zombie.
Its like living in some kind of empty trance, a void.
For a while there is a deep longing for spirit to return.
Then later even this longing disappears and the nothingness is totally accepted.
There is a complete surrender into spirit and a disappearance of all affective ego and one is simply moved by the universal force.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: