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In this lifetime, I had millions of potentials in experiences appearing on and off with varying intensity.
I tapped in and out of a million unconscious inspiration energies.
That unconscious inspiration in myriad (1000000000…) flavors in movement is so beautiful/desirable.
The desire is for spirit which is what I seek to find in psychedelics.
A kind of transition from waking to the dreaming realm of the spectrum with vaster possibilities.

For an analogy, say your life is like a TV screen is showing the same images again and again with very little movement, but suddenly explodes into this kaleidoscope of colors and other fantastic imaginations. That signal, electricity that is animating and moving the TV images is God.
So I’m not talking about the manifest at all, but the spirit energy driving it.

That potential energy/unconscious force of inspiration pushing manifestations/creations, that creative force, that spark, that spirit is the MOST desirable thing EVER.
That is the force of God, spirit, the spark, the moving energy, the presence of potential, inspiration, drive, curiosity, motivation, fervor, zest, vitality, ecstasy, the awareness of unconscious inspiration force. That Fire.
That FORCE is the God force.
The force that makes you move, dance, cry, sing, feel, connect, relate, express – all emotions, feelings, sensations, perception etc.

The experience of infinite potential energy, THE UNMANIFEST FORCE that propels the manifest is the experience of the fire of GOD.
So the dark night is precisely that, a great reduction of this VITAL UNMANIFEST FORCE as a result you feel something terrible has been lost but you cannot put your finger on it.

Guilt is a thought about ‘what should be’, vs. ‘what is’
If you drop the ‘what should be’ and stay with ‘what is’, guilt will end

Because ‘what should be’, is a certain hardened concept of ‘What once was’ which has not been let go
And thereby stored as an empty mental concept
So it is not in line with direct experience
If everything is changing, then ‘The what once was’ is now a different ‘What is’
So holding on to the ‘What once was’ as a mental concept
And imposing that in the BRAND NEW present moment induces guilt

I am the prime mover force that moves all of existence
All appearances move because of the force that I am.
I am that unknowable force itself.

All movement that I witness is my movement.
The movement of my hand is the same substance as a bird flying at a distance.
One happens without my personal will – the bird flying
Another one uses personal will energy – moving my hand
But I AM AWARE of both.
They are only different appearances of the same substance.
It takes much more effort to move my body than to watch a bird fly.
But effort OR no-effort, is still an appearance.

Its like you are playing a video game
To move the main character, you will have to press a lot of buttons on the joystick controller (requires your control, effort)
In the video game however, the monster characters which you have to kill move by themselves (without your control, effort)
But from the perspective of the LCD screen on which you are playing, both your main character and the monster are both are equivalent entities right?
Now, even this analogy falls quite short of what I am trying to describe.
Because here, you are separate from the LCD screen and using a joystick/keyboard that is also separate from the LCD.
Imagine you, the joystick and the TV were inside a larger TV screen, that would be FAR closer to what I am trying to describe.
Like the screen behind the screen watching not only the screen but also you and the joystick controller and all your actions.

Its like shifting from first person view to the third person view in a game. In the first person view, you see what the character sees. In the 3rd person view, you not only see what the character sees, you also see the full character.

Now this notion of habit, investment, and ‘your past determining your present’ is a giant delusion that can lead you to a thinking pattern 180 deg opposed to the truth. We think we are held down by the weight of our habits and the gravity of them. The truth is EXACTLY the reverse of that. We have got it backwards.

The WHY QUESTION for ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING is a mystery and unknown, just like you cannot conclude where a ship will go by analyzing the wake of the ship in the water. You can make any kind of complex theory of where the ship is going to turn next by looking at the trails it leaves on the water, but where the SHIP IS ACTUALLY going to turn, totally depends on the driver, and I’m basically saying, this driver is UNKNOWN to us. So where the ship has been previously as seen in the trail of water (analogy for our past/memories) is NOT AT ALL a cause for the current direction of the ship’s movement.

We believe in this (as 99.9999% do) and that causes this particular fractal manifestation of experience in our awareness.

Key to humor:

Know what makes you laugh. Like your own jokes. Learn the stimulus that stimulates your brain’s humor center. Then the same stimulus will also stimulate others, because everyone has the same seeds (like Indra’s net). Everything is reflected everywhere.

Key to sex:

Know what gives your pleasure. Learn what exactly pleasures your own body. That allows you to do the same to another, because of the fractal like recursive nature of all humans. (because of Indra’s net, all seeds of potential are there/reflected everywhere)

The karma of God, as we see it now,
Goes round and round forever, or is like a fractal, or recursive pattern
Human beings, living creatures, society, culture, sunrise, sunset, various world events, tensions/dance between dualities
All keep perpetuating themselves like recursive fractals with changing/unchanging components.
Reproduction is basically perpetuation. A cell divides and duplicates.
Everything is changing, all atoms in our body are replaced in 3 years, but yet, we look more or less the same.
What creates this sameness of everything, even though everything is constantly vibrating, arising/passing, appearing/disappearing into nothingness (a mysterious space)?
Its similar to how in a movie theatre. We have 24 fps. Each frame is slightly different from the previous, but still there is a story and a lot of elements are repeated. Everything is fluidly moving/changing. The movie theater light is constantly flickering. If seen very closely, even light is basically vibration at a very high frequency. That means all appearances are appearing and disappearing at warp speeds (different speeds and intensities). That means there is a will behind the appearance that reinstates the appearance each time the 0(nothing, infinite) is touched (like a Cos wave say). The frequency of the appearances is so high, that everything looks solid. But when we closely closely examine our experience, we see that everything arises out of nothing and returns to nothing at warp speeds. Let’s say this ‘infinite boundless mystery nothing’ is 0.

IF we put an ULTRA ELECTRON MICROSCOPE on our experience:
So, Appearance 1: 101010101010202020202020303030303040404040
Appearance 2: a0a0a0a0a0d0d0d0d0d0d0r0r0r0r0r0g0g0g0g0g0g0h0h0
And so on.
Lets analyze appearances 1 and 2.
What are the appearances? – 1,2,3,4,a,d,r,g,h right? – However, these appearances keep on changing therefore none of them are real/unchanging. They are all completely insubstantial, non-essence, and impermanent like pictures on a TV screen. Then the next question is: What is the essence of everything then? if it is not these fleeting/changing/disappearing appearances 1,2,3,4,a,d,r,g,h? The unchanging is found to be observed to be the ‘0’ or the infinite nothing which can be potentially found through contemplation.

Lets take a case of a hypothetical samadhi when the appearances cease:
Then we would have: ……0000000000000000000000000000000000000000…….
which would reveal the unchanging truth. It is as if the movie projector stops projecting the movie, the film was removed and now just white light is thrown on the screen which is UNCHANGING (unlike the movie which is changing). And ultimately all of the movie is made up of that SAME WHITE LIGHT.

The form/appearance right now is constantly in flux, fluidly changing.
We always seek what our mind lacks at THAT moment.
There is always a ‘What is’ or ‘Something’ in the mind
But also a desire for images of a 100000000 other things
So the mind being infinitely deficient endlessly keep seeking
So it is the belief in deficiency that causes the mind to endlessly chase new experiences
So the persistent theme in all our experience is that, THIS IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
Let call that (-1).
So our experience stream is like: (-1)a(-1)b(-1)c(-1)d(-1)e(-1)f(-1)g(-1)h(-1)i(-1)j(-1)k(-1)l(-1)m(-1)n(-1)o(-1)p….
So no matter what appears, the (-1) is always there and it spawns another <alphabet>
Its like (-1) is the potential for the next bit.
When this deficiency or potential energy runs out, there is a return to the source.

Karma is action.
Action is Inevitable.
Even non-action is action
And all action is obviously action.
Karma is therefore unavoidable.
Karma is inevitable.

Now there is God’s action/karma
And YOUR action/karma
God’s karma is the ocean
Your karma is like a wave on the surface of this ocean

Our karma is a smaller wave
Riding on the larger wave which is God’s karma
Even our karma is actually God’s karma only
But I’m separating the 2 just for purposes of description

We could think of God’s karma as our initial conditions
OR everything that happens to us
And our karma as all action we do from the standpoint of being a person
Our karma is actions we do with the personality power and energy given to us

This personality karma returns to God’s original karma
Once its potential period is over
Just like a wave arises and passes into the ocean

Now we are aware of what we mean by personal karma
Or actions done by our personal will
The thoughts we think, where we direct our attention, what tendencies we encourage
Now, the question might be, what is God’s Karma?

God’s karma is everything that happens without your control
For example, the existence of YOU itself is God’s karma
Just like the existence of an ocean wave, is from the ocean’s will

Think about the questions, why do YOU exist as this person?
Why does the earth exist? Why do other people exist?
Why do the mountains exist? Why does the external world exist?
Why do dreams exist? Why do we sleep? Why do we have these physical laws?
Why do we have day/night? light/dark? Why do we have duality?
Why do have civilization, society? Why do we have all these living creatures and objects?
Why do we have any kind of concepts or mental models?
Why do we have desire, emotions? Why have THIS something instead of nothing?
Why do we have space, time? Why past, present, future? Why is everything in motion?
Why do we have death, sickness, suffering?

The answer to all of the above is that, it is God’s karma.
Ironically, the fact that I am asking all these questions means
My personal karma is doing the action of contemplation about God’s karma
Which is again ultimately God’s karma, because God created everything including the personal karma
Its an interesting loop

Now all karma has gravity.
What you invest in grows, where you put your attention
That part grows, is reinforced, is encouraged, is cultivated, is nurtured.
Everything is an investment.
Investment is inescapable.
Even non-action is an investment.
Even action is an investment.
This is exactly akin to the gravity in Space
Just like Stars, revolve around Milky way, planets revolve around a star, and moon’s around planets
There is gravity everywhere
Similarly, karmic energy has gravity
For example, if I invest all my attention in an activity for a long time
I will create a giant perpetually growing investment in that direction
For example someone like Bruce Lee, Mike Tyson
All my life would get structured around that, if something consumed all my attention for a long time
That gravity would subsequently attract more and more of that stuff

This does not have to be positive
I can invest all my energy in patterns that create very unpleasant experiences
And those could have the same degree of gravity as a pleasant experience pattern
I could spend all my life, chasing my tail and create such a strong gravity for it
Such that, I would spend most of the day doggedly running after my tail with more and more fervor.

However this personal karmic energy is given to us by God to play with
So it can just as easily be withdrawn from us and we slowly lose interest.
Ability is what is acquired after a sustained period of interest, attention and growth.
But if the karmic energy is withdrawn by God, you can no longer continue to do that action.

Generally, the rule is, your highest excitement or highest pleasure happens
When you clearly see your greatest potential and act on it.
When there is nothing else you would want to do at that moment
When the importance of that task is the highest and most meaningful in your mind.
YOU DO THAT THING!

Transcendence can only happen if it is God’s will itself.
Because the contemplative movement needed for transcendence itself is a potential provided by God to you
And if you act on this potential, you are sucked back to God and all knowledge is revealed.
Your personal action can do nothing to absorb you into God’s will
In fact all personal action is counterproductive to realization of God
The egoic energy that makes you think you are a separate person
Will only perpetuate itself by ANY ACTION it takes
And ANY ACTION it takes is counterproductive to realization
Because IT IN ITSELF is the block to realization.

The body’s internal symphony and symphony with environment etc. happens by itself. Everything happens by itself. I’m taking dream food and using dream remedies to cure my dream problems. My experience is simply mapped a certain way to this time-space-objects paradigm creating apparent cause and effect (Maya). But none of this appearance, is absolutely true.

Everything is all dream stuff. Ultimately its all just happening in the movie screen. I may be identified with certain aspects, and may try to maximize with certain goal equations. But the cause-effect is mysterious, therefore I can only believe and do actions, the result is not in my hands. Also at the highest level, everything is just happening including my identifications, beliefs, and imagination. Makes me question if there is really anything like soul, spirit, mind, body etc. All these concepts, mappings are just elaborate castles in the air.

Everytime I read something, talk to someone, or just think in a particular direction, I start to believe that ‘xxx’ is the cause of ‘xxx’ and it even becomes emotionally true many a times as I explore the thought. But in reality, none of it is true. Because each day even the attributed and believed causes keep changing and many of them are contradictory. So what is the real cause of experiences, apart from what I BELIEVE OR THINK to be the cause??

The issue is that my thinking generates such convincing stories that soon enough it hits my beliefs and I start to emotionally feel it as true. All my beliefs –> mapped to all my opinions –> mapped to emotions –> mapped to objects –> All of it is changeable. Therefore there is no real essence in them. I hold on to them because of the ground beliefs (which I do not determine, or have control over).

What is all this?? What is ALL OF THIS?? No logic seems to be convince me. WHY THIS? WHY even this question of ‘why this’? Why even this questioning of the question of ‘Why this’?….recursive.

Absolutely, nothing has essence and the only unchanging essence I have is ‘SENSE OF KNOWING’. (Sense of knowing is the highest abstraction. At a lower level for purposes of understanding, an analogy would be the ‘SENSE OF VISION’ i.e. see what you are looking at right now, then turn your head 180deg, you see a totally different image right?, but arent both the images ‘IMAGES’ or vision entities? Take that a level further and you see how everything is made up of ‘KNOWING’)

Everything else is changing or could change by nature. Just because its persistent does not mean its real (just like the same movie playing again and again does not imply does the movie screen is stuck to showing only that movie).

Say, you live your life well in your house, but suddenly there are spiders coming in every night. You close/caulk all holes, but yet they come. Now, you have to understand the spiders, only then can you figure out a way to let them live peacefully and yourself peacefully. The spiders are unaware of the pain they are causing you. They are blindly serving their needs and are completely unaware of yours.

Maybe that is the difference between animals, humans and Gods. Its all in the inclusivity of the perspective. Greater the inclusivity of perspective in consciousness, greater is the being. Also, inclusivity of perspective is a direct function of how abstractly you can think.

Inclusivity of perspective (Directly proportional to) Abstract thinking ability.
More the abstraction, higher the inclusiveness.
At the pinnacle of abstractness, time and space and all of manifest are encapsulated within it.

They all lie in a spectrum:
(Highest abstractness)God—————-Enlightened Humans————Great thinkers/Philosophers———-Regular Humans———————Animals(Lowest Abstractness)

Now back to the topic, so there are different ways of dealing with this issue:
1. Kill the spiders whenever you see them – Way of violence
2. Wait around to see if they will go away by themselves – Way of Inaction
3. Try to find out where they are coming from by examining your house – Way of Defensiveness
4. Feel paralyzed and helpless and sit put – Way of helplessness, powerlessness
5. Observe their patterns and behavior patiently – Way of observation
6. Read up on spiders, where they live, their lifestyle etc. to understand them first. – Way of intellect
7. Try to hide from the spiders somewhere else in your house (gradually the spiders reach there too and then you have to hide deeper) – Way of Avoidance, Dissociation
8. Try to distract yourself and avoid thinking about the spiders in the first place. – Way of Denial, Repression
9. Move out of the house, and find another place – Way of Escape, Rejection
10. Accept the spiders coming and going and let them be. – Way of Acceptance

You may use a combination of approaches to deal with this OR you could use them in a staggered fashion.

For example: Say you start off with 1 –>2 –>3 –>4–>5–>6–>7–>8–>9–>10, If any of these work, then the flow stops and your issue is resolved. But if none of them work then you go all the way through the flow.

You may also start with 7–>5 –>6–>3 and so on. This pattern you follow may illuminate your personality algorithms.

Let go of all NOT(What is), BE ‘What is’
Clue: Any movement away from ‘what is’ requires effort.

Being ‘What is’ is synonymous to the total dropping of ALL effort,
It is total union/being everything, and stillness with everything.

The mantra is simple: DROP ALL EFFORT and the truth that you are everything will be revealed to you.

BE the desire energy, and know its true nature. BE the mind and know its true nature. True knowledge is from BEING the thing.

All manifestation is from divine energy:
Ultimately all the energy for anything to happen is the mysterious/divine energy. Nothing happens without that. What we experience as individuals is a particular filtering/distortion/manipulation of the divine energy. It is like how, without electricity no laptop can work. But with electricity, we can run a macbook or a windows tablet. In the sense, the electricity is the divine force that makes everything happen. The specific structure of how that energy is channeled is our experience. The components of the machine that manipulates/distorts/shapes the divine energy are things like core-beliefs, beliefs, desires thoughts, fears, memory etc. They are the components of the human experience machine which convert the divine energy into a particular manifestation just like a macbook converts electricity into all the forms of function that you see in it. Transcendence is realizing you are not the macbook but the electricity driving it and infact the macbook is just one of your possibilities.

About Desire:
Desire is a creation of a certain potential energy in your being. If you are unconscious to this potential energy, then you will serve the potential until it exhausts itself. After that, your unconscious seeking algorithm will create another desire or potential energy, and once again you will serve this until it exhausts itself. If you think the desire is you, then the desire energies will consume you in their ‘blind’ games. Even the desire energies are puppets actually. They are created by core-algorithms in your psyche which create this fractal game of desires/potential energies.

Rat Analogy for Predicament:
The situation is like a rat who wants food. You shine a laser pointer somewhere, he thinks that is food and chases the pointer, but as soon as the rat catches it, he realizes that is not the food he hoped for. Now you shine a different colored laser elsewhere, now again the rat builds up hopes and runs after the new point, once again after capturing it with great difficulty (because you are turning it around in circles for your entertainment), he once again realizes its not the food he wanted. How long can this game go on? Well until you keep shining different colored laser pointers and moving it around everywhere OR if the rat himself realizes that the food is in none of the pointers.

Now this was an analogy to point to various aspects of our real existence.
The point of the pointer, is desire.
The pointer is belief.
‘You’ who is moving the pointer around and changing the colors of the laser each time is ‘MAYA’.
The ‘Rat Food’ here is complete fulfillment/complete knowledge of your true nature.

As Nisargadatta M said, w/o realization, you will be forever consumed by desires and fears and playing out this core algorithm forever. This primal ignorance of our nature (which is what Buddha referred to when he said all suffering is from ignorance of our true nature), is what causes the endless fractally generating games/unsatisfactoriness.

We denying ourselves what we want through elaborate unconscious mechanisms: That is the game of Maya.
How can you ever find yourself through desire?
Satisfaction cannot be found by playing any game OR attaining any desire. We only get a faint glimpse of it when we achieve something great, and then we are back to our old state. We create our own games and conditions for achieving this state, we deny it to ourselves by our conditional games. Its like creating elaborate structures to prevent the sunlight from reaching you. And then you climb all that you built just to get a glimpse of sunlight?