Journey to the Abstract

Sometimes your thinking/imagination/ego totally fails you – you feel a pain/discomfort/uneasiness/emptiness – and when no direction of effort in imagination/thinking can remove it.

You can at most cover it up a little by putting effort. But even this effort is not possible once the self is dissoluted enough, because then this self is too thin and weak to generate effort to remove this awareness of the root unease. It is at that stage the discomfort becomes literally unavoidable and the DN ensues.

So this means you cannot go anywhere in the world, have any kind of relationship, whatever, no action of yours will remove the discomfort. The cognitive dissonance and madness is seen, escape is no longer an option. No direction of effort in thought/imagination appears to remove this awareness. You cannot forget it no matter what you do and all action of any kind is a cover up from this base state you have discovered in the journey towards peace. It is when nothing you can do can truly make you forget this. Where the only direction to move is to go into that uneasiness space itself and try to remove those shards from your being – by contemplation. You are made aware of your disconnection from God and all the false stuff that stands between you and the ultimate. Thereafter it is the untangling of all the fibers of your being and the gradual removal of all the unconscious binding forces (which are created from false definitions and beliefs).

This is the journey towards removing all unconscious effort. In your earlier years, this egoic veiling effort was automatic. But now you are literally aware of the effort you are putting, it is conscious, and you are also aware of the purpose of the effort – i.e. it was to avoid the reality you are facing now which IS the DARK NIGHT ITSELF. So the Dark night space, is the very reason for the existence of the unconscious ego. So with the consciousness of the unconscious ego effort, one enters into the region which was the reason for the ego’s creation in the first place. Those cluster of DARK NIGHT experience creating beliefs which created and maintained this unconscious ego effort. But getting past this region is quintessential to reaching great peace and freedom and the removal of all fears. Peace is not possible if there is unconscious effort. Peace needs 100% consciousness and freedom.

I think the unconscious is basically just “frozen spirit”.
It functions through “unconscious spirit made machines”.
It is similar to matter, just like matter is “frozen spirit” too.
The “frozen machines” are one level above matter since they involve movement in a certain algorithm, certain fractal pattern of influencing experience.
Its all “God energy” ultimately.
Everything is “God energy/consciousness”.
There is nothing but that.
However, I can say these Gods/Creators(People) that I am seeing around me, are limited Gods, limited by their frozen machine like unconscious.
These limited Gods are outwardly driven by the algorithms in their unconscious/frozen spirit machine.
They continue to be outward directed until their outward movement completes and there is a pull inward, which then takes them through their machine like frozen spirit, makes them fully aware of their machine(karma) and how it was influencing their reality.
Finally there is a strong desire to be LARGER and be free of this unconscious machine spirit configuration(karma) which is then dissoluted and the spirit dissolves its frozen machine configuration into free moving water and reattains FREEDOM.

Reaching/touching “What is” is one thing
Resting as “What is” is another

Usually when you are not in “What is”, and you push yourself to “What is”, then that experience is:
What is(how much of What is you see depends on how much you have to resist to reach it) + Resistance.
It is like a stretched rubber band just touching the ‘What is’ field.
An anti-force applied to your forward moving ego forces. For example, if you are mind wandering about some strange topic, with some momentum, and suddenly you remember your spiritual practice to stay in “What is”, then you apply a counter force to this mind wandering force to pay attention to the present moment experience.

So the more you lose your gross forces and your ego (verb: outward moving forces), the more and more ‘What is’ is revealed to you. Because in the rubber band case, you can only touch ‘What is’ and it is unpleasant to you because there is so much resistance along with the present moment experience. However if the entire egoic forces get thinned out, you can dwell in bliss for long periods of time and more of What is is revealed to you. This is because thinned ego is a rubber band that has much more slack and closer to the center. So you are move around and explore ‘What is’ a lot more.

Memory and imagination go hand in hand. Memories provide the lego blocks for “Imagination” to create. Memories can be rewritten using imagination. It is possible to relive entire experiences in imagination. Imagination is the higher dimension of which one crystallized possibility is what we encounter as this 3-D world. Imagination is the creator world/the spirit world. Even all limitations are imagined.

Every moment there are objects of experience – all of them say I, all of them are me, all of the are temporal and impermanent – all of them are temporary passing essence – my only true essence is “Nothing”/the space/the background/the unborn/the unmanifest infinite.

Various phenomena are objects too. Various gestalt phenomena are objects too. Life is like an ever changing painting in space where objects form and get colored with my projections and my projections/perception/coloring keeps changing and moving. The objects too change and move with different speeds.

Everything is as it is, is perfect as it appears – This is because everything is empty (just like every picture your computer screen produces is perfect, because all pictures are empty). The only thing in existence are objects of consciousness/experience. It’s like simply a flowing river of objects of experience. The objects of experience that we hold on to appear to stay, the objects that we identify with appear to stay. The rest of the objects flow like a river at different rates/speeds. But ultimately even identification is changing, even ego is changing. The only unchanging true essence is NOTHING or FREEDOM.

I always wondered in my childhood, all my memories, could they have been any different. Could I have been different, done differently. The answer is no, all the experiences were exactly as they should be – The experiences themselves AND the phenomenon of the ego forming/changing and (resisting, dissociating, avoiding, channeling, projecting, identifying) into some parts of the sensory and mental experience. To make a final abstraction, everything can be seen as arising and passing objects of consciousness.

This is exactly like a dream. Isn’t a dream perfect in retrospect when you get up in the morning? Wasn’t it exactly what it was? Isn’t this whole experience we call waking exactly like a dream too? When the waking state aggregates/formations pass away, after death say, wouldn’t we look back on everything just like we look back at our dreams when we wake up in the morning?

Why do I do that?

Fear, Distress, Unbearable boredom comes up and then a strong motivation comes up to remove those feelings, which makes me find something to compulsively to do, to stave off the emptiness.

Why not just “Stay with the truth”(drop all effort) even if it leads me to void or wherever?

Why this compulsion to fill my mind with thoughts?

Why not just stay with the bare empty truth when all effort is dropped?

Would that not result in me merging with ‘What is’?

(because ‘Ego’ or ‘me’ in essence is the opposition to ‘What is’, and sticks out as separate from ‘What is’.)

I try to create some object (subtle/fine spirit matter) in my awareness – this is at a level where pleasant or unpleasant is irrelevant – I just want to reach a certain level of activity in awareness to maintain my sense of self and existence.

I guess staying with the truth, will eventually take me into the void.

Because all the structures, if I do not give them energy, will lose their energy to hold themselves and fade away.

So withdrawal of identification is the answer to find truth or freedom.

The self is my doing, and I’m afraid to drop my own doing to go back to my higher nature because I have forgotten the higher nature and fear that I will go into non-existence if I drop my efforts to maintain my identity.

Now that my core-self has dissoluted, the self is no longer completely an unconscious doing, but something I can see myself creating with effort. I’m still holding on to subtle spiritual constructs/fine spiritual matter(thoughts) and not entering full emptiness.

Like I notice when emptiness comes in – I try to conceptualize, fantasize, think, dream, write about my experience, try to fit my experience in various models I know. Even my spiritual practice of observation is something I can see as a “DOING”. I am doing it and it feels like effort and I feel to reach the true self is to DROP ALL EFFORT.

Other things I do are more external – like talk to my roommate, do some physical job/move around, or eat something. Sometimes I eat something knowing fully well it will not feel so good. But nevertheless I still eat it, because at least I have that “uncomfortable uneasiness” in the stomach as a new object of awareness, which thereby fills up the emptiness, and then I can observe it, play with it, think about it and so on.

Its like I need some experience to chew on with my mind.

If there is no object to chew, ALL KINDS OF FEARS come up.

Like my self is maintained by my contracts in the world right?

Like my rent, apartment, management of money, paying bills, other procedures, going to work everyday, being able to function EVERYDAY at work.

All these activities also play a part in maintaining my sense of self along with my inner cogitations.

I am afraid of my physical survival.

Will I eat food? Will I shame myself by losing control, if I regress to a level of an infant?

So then I need to constantly put all this external effort for maintenance of this self.

Will I be completely abandoned by everyone? Will I be completely deserted left to die alone slowly?

Will I be able to behave socially right? What if I lose all my inhibitions?

What if I am put in a mental asylum? OR the police put me into prison?

There are innumerable such fears in both expanse and depth, and it is all these fears – external and internal, that prevent me from dropping the self and moving into nirvikalpa samadhi.

It takes tremendous faith/trust to just drop all these constructs and sink into the unknown with Buddhi/Discrimination/Intellect as your guide.

Why not just live in full emptiness and trust and surrender?

Why do I hold on to my mind, as if below that there is death of essence itself?

I am thinking “I am THIS”, but my real essence maybe something far vaster and dimensionally larger, but I’m too afraid to let go of this little essence, because I dono if I will still exist at all if I drop this.

Good ego(helps others) OR Malignant ego(abuses others), either way, to transcend is to leave this whole dimension behind. Both egos are specific creations from the infinite ground, and their origin lies in the ground, and they are false/non-essence by themselves.

They are falsely being held on as essence by all the fears I mentioned, and this is why we do not immediately step into our real nature.

Identification is love.

Whatever we consider our self (i.e. whatever we identify with) to be changes from time to time and in scope and content too. Identification is the moving energy of love itself.

– You recognize the overwhelming similarity. This is your twin-soul/brother/sister soul.

– In such a case, there is self-expansion, comfort, security, peace.

– This is the NOUN form of LOVE.

– There is resonance of 2 like souls.

– Such a case, is when you feel a longing to be with the other because they increase the beauty in your life. A deep desire to include them in your life so that they may merge into you.

– This the VERB form of LOVE.

– There is magnetism of 2 complementary souls.

– Love is when one completely and genuinely understands you, is willing to include you as a part of oneself and treats you with the same utmost good intentions and nurturing with which one treats oneself.
– That willingness to include another as part of oneself is LOVE, and this means you also treat the other with the same ‘interest’/quality as you treat yourself.

– Maybe this desire/magnetism/attraction we feel for another, *IF* we are seeing them as they really are, and not as a projected fantasy, is love.

So they are in other words, in love with their fantasies, and not with the REAL person.

The person who can get infatuated ever so easily but is always disappointed later is basically an expert in projecting all his/her fantasy on a girl/guy which lasts until the trance is lost and eventually they start to see the reality of the person.

TRUE LOVE (as a verb) = Perception of the deepest soul/mind/emotion/body essence of the other + WILLINGNESS/DESIRE to include the other AS THEY REALLY ARE.

TRUE LOVE (as a noun) = To be unioned with the other and treating them the same as you treat yourself. Your self itself is now expanded to include the other. In such a state there is no desire for the other, because desire is possible only for something that is not you. You cannot desire yourself, you are ONE with yourself, you ARE yourself, you are unioned with yourself. Like a flame cannot burn itself. The experience of this is of self transcendence, expanded self. You no longer crave for the object, because you have completely unioned with it.

So the different levels of are:

– Desiring you with attachment – keeps you in a prison, but gives you the upliftment of being desired.

– Desiring you without attachment – frees you, but also gives you the upliftment of being desired.

Both mutually include each other into their beings
– Gives great satisfaction, comfort, expansion, union, self-transcendence (to the degree of including another), joy.

– Interestingly there is no more desire at this stage. There is an intense union that the two are ONE. So there is no insecurity, fear, guilt, obligation and so on, because such emotions are only possible towards an ‘other’.