Flight from emptiness – Conversation with myself

In some sense, I run away from the distress of emptiness and emptiness itself.
Why do I do that?
Fear, Distress, Unbearable boredom comes up and then a strong motivation comes up to remove those feelings, which makes me find something to compulsively to do, to stave off the emptiness.
Why not just “Stay with the truth”(drop all effort) even if it leads me to void or wherever?
Why this compulsion to fill my mind with thoughts?
Why not just stay with the bare empty truth when all effort is dropped?
Would that not result in me merging with ‘What is’?
(because ‘Ego’ or ‘me’ in essence is the opposition to ‘What is’, and sticks out as separate from ‘What is’.)

So in a way, me generating thoughts is how I maintain my separateness.
I try to create some object (subtle/fine spirit matter) in my awareness – this is at a level where pleasant or unpleasant is irrelevant – I just want to reach a certain level of activity in awareness to maintain my sense of self and existence.
I guess staying with the truth, will eventually take me into the void.
Because all the structures, if I do not give them energy, will lose their energy to hold themselves and fade away.
So withdrawal of identification is the answer to find truth or freedom.
The self is my doing, and I’m afraid to drop my own doing to go back to my higher nature because I have forgotten the higher nature and fear that I will go into non-existence if I drop my efforts to maintain my identity.
Now that my core-self has dissoluted, the self is no longer completely an unconscious doing, but something I can see myself creating with effort. I’m still holding on to subtle spiritual constructs/fine spiritual matter(thoughts) and not entering full emptiness.
Like I notice when emptiness comes in – I try to conceptualize, fantasize, think, dream, write about my experience, try to fit my experience in various models I know. Even my spiritual practice of observation is something I can see as a “DOING”. I am doing it and it feels like effort and I feel to reach the true self is to DROP ALL EFFORT.
Other things I do are more external – like talk to my roommate, do some physical job/move around, or eat something. Sometimes I eat something knowing fully well it will not feel so good. But nevertheless I still eat it, because at least I have that “uncomfortable uneasiness” in the stomach as a new object of awareness, which thereby fills up the emptiness, and then I can observe it, play with it, think about it and so on.
Its like I need some experience to chew on with my mind.
If there is no object to chew, ALL KINDS OF FEARS come up.
Like my self is maintained by my contracts in the world right?
Like my rent, apartment, management of money, paying bills, other procedures, going to work everyday, being able to function EVERYDAY at work.
All these activities also play a part in maintaining my sense of self along with my inner cogitations.
I am afraid of my physical survival.
Will I eat food? Will I shame myself by losing control, if I regress to a level of an infant?
So then I need to constantly put all this external effort for maintenance of this self.
Will I be completely abandoned by everyone? Will I be completely deserted left to die alone slowly?
Will I be able to behave socially right? What if I lose all my inhibitions?
What if I am put in a mental asylum? OR the police put me into prison?
There are innumerable such fears in both expanse and depth, and it is all these fears – external and internal, that prevent me from dropping the self and moving into nirvikalpa samadhi.
It takes tremendous faith/trust to just drop all these constructs and sink into the unknown with Buddhi/Discrimination/Intellect as your guide.

Why not just live in full emptiness and trust and surrender?
Why do I hold on to my mind, as if below that there is death of essence itself?
I am thinking “I am THIS”, but my real essence maybe something far vaster and dimensionally larger, but I’m too afraid to let go of this little essence, because I dono if I will still exist at all if I drop this.
Good ego(helps others) OR Malignant ego(abuses others), either way, to transcend is to leave this whole dimension behind. Both egos are specific creations from the infinite ground, and their origin lies in the ground, and they are false/non-essence by themselves.
They are falsely being held on as essence by all the fears I mentioned, and this is why we do not immediately step into our real nature.

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