Journey to the Abstract

In my experience,
Trials are related to the availability of energy for life’s expectations as they appear at different points of time. That is, the availability of mental/psychological/physical/spirit/motivation/interest for expectations from life as they appear.

A trial is simply when:
1. It appears that you have to do something,
2. And it also appears that you cant do it,
3. However it also appears that you can do it if you put significant effort/resistance.
4. So you appear to put that effort,
and appear to suffer in the process because of the resistance you are putting to change your natural energy directions and output.
5. Then you appear to feel sorry for yourself, hopeless, helpless, discouraged, angry, despair, sad, depressed and so on because of your inability and losses.
6. You then appear to feel scared, terrified and desperate at your total loss and lack of control.
7. You appear to feel all kinds of negative emotions and suffering.

All appearances are real though, it is like a movie playing and you witnessing the movie and watching it go through the difficult scenes. But the appearances are not real too, simply because, they are appearances and therefore have the potential to entirely change and do not

Ultimately all resistance to ‘What is’ is suffering.
All disease is from ‘Disharmony’.
‘Dark night of the soul’ is when the disease of the ego, which is fundamentally a resistance to what is, or disharmony with what is, is revealed.
DN is a stage of transformation for correction of this disease/disharmony of the ego with ‘What is’.
Removal of the ego would mean facing the dualities of everything the ego is invested in.
For example: life would give the experience of failure again and again, to withdraw the ego’s investment in success.

The purpose of the dark night is to show you that everything can be taken away from you and that you own nothing, but rather you are nothing and everything is a gift from God. The only way to know the presence of something is through its absence. Absence is what makes presence perceivable. So when everything is taken away and then given back, it creates a full sweep making you aware of the entirety of presence.

For example, you cannot know what Brazil is, unless you move out of Brazil. Similarly we cannot understand the full beauty of the gifts given to us unless we experience the total loss of them. Presence is known only from absence. If there is only presence and never absence, you would not be aware of that presence too. Like since air is all around us, we are oblivious to air.

So its only when YOU ARE NOTHING, can you perceive the full presence of EVERYTHING.
The beauty of a thing is its full presence, which can be known only when you are colorless, empty and fully open to it.

It has the potential to completely overpower my sense of self/ego/freedom. So that is why I am afraid of pain. Because pain has the potential to completely dominate awareness and crush my sense of self.

The present moment is the scariest thing. All fear is about the present moment experience becoming so strong, that it obliterates my self. The present moment experience is God. And the thinker I managed to maintain side by side to the present moment is my separate self. So the fear is of God completely overpowering the separate self and the drop being lost to the ocean.

I realized pain or pleasure is not the fearful part of experience….LOSING CONTROL is what I am afraid of….for example, if I prick myself, I know what pain to expect, so I am not that afraid….but pleasure or pain which comes randomly to me is scary…because I cannot fit it into any of my mental models of causation of why that happened….because then if pleasure comes, I have no control or understanding about how long it would last…and with pain I would have no idea how long it will last again…in both cases….LOSS OF CONTROL is the SCARIEST THING.

Dying into the present moment…is what I am afraid of…the present moment is basically the God reality…my sense of self is maintained because of not being fully present (that extra space I have I use for maintaining the self)…this self can now control and direct my experience…but in a situation like if a large dangerous dog is barking at me…suddenly the present moment completely takes over my being…but interestingly if the danger completely and entirely overwhelms you, then there is no one left to even be scared….the present moment is a mysterious thing….in some sense we long for this self abnegating complete absorption and takeover by the present…our most rapturous and many early childhood experiences that were most memorable were the times when the present filled you up entirely removing the sense of self and time…even time does not exist in the present moment…time, self etc. all exist in the distance between you and the present…so the present moment is God…and somewhere I read, we are not even afraid of death per say (its just a concept)…what we are truly afraid of is God which is the present moment (just using that word, since there is no other word, I’m referring to the NOW)…So we long for this transcendent NOW to completely take us over into its ONENESS and ABSORPTION, but it is also quite terrifying, because when this happens, there is no YOU that can experience this…the experience swallows you too into itself…so there is JUST THAT…its like ego death experiences in psychedelics, where there is just the experience and no YOU to even know, witness, understand the experience…the experience becomes everything

All causation apparently happens, but even this causation is revealed randomly in different amounts, and even this apparent causation is constantly changing. At one time, a certain model looks true. At another time another model looks true. At times, when your mind is sharp, your model is wide and detailed and you can literally explain all your problems in beautiful articulation, at other times your model of life is blotchy unclear narrow murky and you take decisions based on whatever little you can figure out at that time. Which is the absolute model might be the question? There seems to be no such absolute model.
The way to the absolute is to transcend all these thought models themselves.
It is to go beyond thought, to the nature of thought.
Transcending thought is to discover the substance of thought itself and identify with the substance vs. content

Like supposing I say, now I know the truth, and in childhood I did not know the truth, that would not be true. The truth in my childhood was different from the truth I have now and the truth in the future would be different too. Even the causation models keep changing. Everything is dancing emptiness, everything is dreaming. I cannot say my dream 20 years ago was any less real/unreal compared to the dream I have now. Transcendence is to go beyond all this. It is to reach the true nature of the entirety of existence.

Sometimes I think sugar is good for me and it is validated in my experience too, I feel better. Sometimes I eat sugary stuff and feel terrible, then I change my model to sugar is bad for me. Then I read on the internet, where it talks about the biology of the body etc. and how sugar is bad. So then my model is sugar is bad in theory, but sometimes feels good and sometimes feels bad. So in this manner the model of life is constantly changing and dancing. No model is true then – they are all formations, appearances, like your screen saver dancing on your screen.

We judge others to protect ourselves from them, to create separation.
For example, me saying that person is dumb, also implies I am not dumb and I do not want to be associated with dumbness.
It implies a disassociation, a separation, a disowning of that quality, which is anyways appearing in your consciousness.
Me and that person are separate, this is what I am trying to create in my mind by this judgment. And I am trying to move my love and focus away from this undesirable compartment.
A compartmentalization of me vs. other. My quality vs. their quality.
It is divisive by nature.
In reality dumbness is my quality, because it appeared in my consciousness.

Everything in your consciousness is YOU, or a form of you.
And judging implies attention being placed on the .
Judging happens when the is undesirable, so you want to create a separation from that. If it were desirable, you will happily embrace it and not care about judging.
Now if its undesirable, why would someone place their attention on the vs. ?
Because of dependence?- coming from the belief of needing others?
Because in early childhood, your parents were narcissists?
Creating codependence as an algorithm for survival and seeking love/acceptance?

Another interesting reason could be having a but .
So you witness everyone around you and your perceptions of them, but you also witness that threatening the perception of your small identified self definition. So then the higher consciousness broad attention range manifests as a tyranny against your smaller self which has to constantly judge push away struggle against the influx of all undesirable aspects. This has been my situation since childhood. Somebody would tell me person is bad and convince me about it. But that person is entirely in my awareness (which is empath like and very broad). So then I struggle against my own perception of the other, trying to desperately create separation between me and him. So the truth of this is that, I am everything, the bad and the good, everything that I imagine and perceive. And all others are basically which is me.
So in effect all my struggle was the struggle of my little identified self against my vaster self.

Everything is happening inside me.
So in effect all my war has been against this enormous influx of all pushed away undesirable aspects of my own nature as seen from the eyes of the small identified self. So the real challenge is ACCEPTANCE.

The hardware is the brain.
The personality software is the OS and apps.
When the entire OS is going to be changed like changing from windows XP to windows 10, first all the apps are closed (stopping all external activities and interests), then the PC is rebooted.
In the process of rebooting, the entire OS is slowly removed from memory and the resources are refreshed.
This stage is akin to a total collapse of identity and all its interests, preoccupations and so on.
A 0 point is reached when the previous OS is almost entirely removed from memory and the system has just restarted.
Then the new software is then installed – Windows 10 say.
This is the stage when a new structure is formed in consciousness.
Once windows 10 is fully in place, you are like fresh, anew, reborn into a new consciousness structure with new activities, interests and desires.
This is the process of transformation.
Imagine a more organic version of this process and that would be the dark night (like a caterpillar -> cocoon -> butterfly).
It is essentially a dissolution of the old, birth of the new. A death and rebirth.

The journey to the infinite is simply in the dissolution of the ‘structures of perception’ and ‘lenses of perception’. In a metamorphosis of structure, everything is lost…the inner and outer…actually there is no inner and outer but rather both are structure. There is structure + growth OR structure + decay.

Reality is input interpretation With the expansion of consciousness, the structure goes through a metamorphosis, which changes from growth – to stagnation – to decay – to chaos – to neutrality – to 0 ness – and then grows itself organically into its new larger structure which removed the disharmonies/unconscious parts/diseased parts that were inherent in the previous narrow structure.

The desire to die, the wanting to die is precisely the same as the want to be reborn anew. It is the want to transform entirely. It is the want for an entirely new experience and not just a modification of the current structure. The movement of reality follows the desire. So an intense desire to die, manifests as dissolution of all old structures leading through all the stages described above – growth – stagnation – decay – chaos – neutrality – 0 ness – budding new growth – growing into the new harmonized structure. They are all the stages of metamorphosis. Everything in reality closely follows desire. Notice that you are always moving in the direction of your true desire.

The dark night is exactly like a sickness. Experience your sickness to move to a greater whole – greater experience – greater harmony. The ego is a sickness or cancer in front of the greater whole. This sickness is something everyone in the world is living with, because they are unaware of the whole. Once the whole is revealed to consciousness, there is a swift restructuring of the ego to be in harmony with the whole (god/oversoul/ultimate reality/field of being), experienced as dark night.