Journey to the Abstract

What is happening to me nowadays is, I am totally unable to hold on to anything in my memory….or whatever holding on happens, it is fleeting, like in the next few hours, its all gone…..no matter how much I read (which is a lot) and how many and what pictures/models/strategies/insights/identities I form, it all simply dissolves….All my knowledge is dissolving, I cannot hold on to anything….in the recent days, the dissolving is getting stronger and stronger…..my moods/state of mind are becoming totally unpredictable….its impossible to know what is in store for me after a few hours……every plan I make like (run on the treadmill for 30m, make food at home, read xxx article, do xxx job) etc. I make it in one mood, but after a few hours the mood is so different, all the plans are simply ditched.

I feel like every thought I have is instantly cancelled by a counter thought, smaller thoughts are immediately nullified, larger conceptual thoughts are nullified in a few hours or days….so this makes it impossible to have any conceptual ground or stand on anything, no matter how appealing the understanding appears to me at the moment….

Even my fears about…how will I survive like this in this solid identity role based world?….how will I survive without a personality?….I would freak out with the fear for a few hours max, and then again even that is emptied from me….lol, I cannot even use fear as a ground….I cannot even use suffering as a ground like “life is suffering”…because I may say that now…but again after a few hours…I’ll feel happy again invalidating my previous conception.

I feel my experience is entering groundlessness and the unknown more and more.

Using up the chakras.
root – complete physical exhaustion
sex – complete sexual release
solar – complete using of will power
heart – complete love
throat – complete expression
perception – complete perception
crown – complete surrender

Saving up chakras.
root – no physical movement
sex – no sexual release or sexual thought
solar – no thinking
heart – no investment
throat – no expression
perception – no perception
crown – no experience

Sound is what vibrates all matter, gross matter(physical) and subtle matter(thought).
Sound is what gives shape to manifestation.

This is similar to the phenomenon of ‘cymatics’.
A certain sound frequency transmitted to a plate containing sand, causes the sand to take on a pattern.
Similarly the sound vibration of God creates the entirety of manifestation at all levels.
Ask yourself: What is the sound that creates all this manifestation? Can you feel/hear/sense this sound?

I think the difference between health and disease is just entropy (degree of disorder in the system). There is a force that creates order, harmony and coherence. When that force decreases, you fall into higher entropy states causing disease. As entropy increases, due to lack of this organizing coherence-ing force I spoke about above (you can call it God), the integrity of the structure of all your systems is lost. This may include your personality structure and your physical body structure. This leads me to conclude that God is essentially the force of anti-entropy. God is the in-breath force. Death is the out-breath fall into entropy.

This also means that life is when god is with you i.e. when its anti-entropy force is acting on you. Death is when this force is withdrawn and you fall back into disintegration, elemental forms and lose all your structures.
Creation = Anti-entropy = structure = presence of God
Destruction = entropy = dissolution = absence of God

Dark night essentially releases the ring of primal repression material that surrounds and maintains the ego. When the gates of repression are opened, all this unpleasant repressed material rushes into your experience. You are suddenly severely burdened.

If you are on the sea, the sea becomes so stormy, you have to focus all your attention simply to survive. If you are in a desert, then you are hit by a huge sandstorm. Basically, the integrated structure of the ego is disintegrated by all this unconscious content flooding. Just like a tsunami destroys and damages all the settlements. You are now wounded. Until the new integrated structure forms, you live in chaos and incoherence and this brings out all fears from your ego which has got crippled by all this influx.

You suddenly are not only injured, you are also carrying a heavy cross of all the repressed material. This is a trial. You have to walk like jesus with the cross on your back, the weight of the cross is also wearing you out as you take each step forward. You still walk and collapse a few times.

Eventually however, the contents of you and the cross combine to form a new integrated structure, and the entire weight of the cross you once bore, all the suffering you bore, now becomes your new strength and compassion. You are transformed.

Where does the potential energy for drawing an in-breath come from?
What is this force that rides you through an in-breath?
What is the force that starts the inbreath?
What is the force that continues to act in the middle of your inbreath draw taking you upto the cresendo?

Roller coaster analogy:
– Just like a roller coaster needs power from a motor to reach the top, God powers your inbreath draw until it reaches the cresendo.
– Later when the roller coaster falls it does not require the motor power anymore. Similarly when we breath out, it simply falls and does not require God’s power anymore. God powers the inbreath until the cresendo and then simply lets it fall back/release to the ground.

This feeling of a potential energy of spirit moving you, is the presence of God that you feel. When this energy of God is withdrawn, you release yourself/yield/fall to death.
Once you fall back to the ground, you are once again powered by God into another manifestation.
Each lifetime is like a cycle of the breath of God.

Practice:
Become entirely silent and ask yourself:
Are you causing this breath?
Where is it arising from?
What is moving the energy in that manner?
What is this force?
What is life apart from feeling this potential energy moving your experience?

Microcosm of breath – Macrocosm of cosmos
– The breath and the cosmos are driven by the same energy.
– The same energy that propels your inbreath, is propelling all of life, is making the planets revolve, is making the sun shine.
– All life and creation is moved by the same force as that which moves your inbreath.
– The same pattern applies to everything in the cosmos.

In my experience this has rung true again and again.
– For example, my family environment was very stifling and controlling, and this lasted for the first 23 years of life, so when I left my country for doing my masters, I was FREED. I enjoyed 2-3 years of euphoria and freedom while doing my masters. This euphoria was because of the release. I was compressed and stifled tightly for 23 years and these 2-3 years were the release.
– I was compressed like a spring, and therefore when the pressure released I expanded. The joy was in the expansion.
– Similarly I think nirvana and separation charge each other. Your experience is so much more glorious only when you have felt utterly alone and separate. Separation is like compressing the spring, and nirvana is the euphoria of release.
– Imprisonment and Freedom charge each other. Being imprisoned in the ego charges up the pleasure of enlightenment. So whenever you are imprisoned, it charges the potential pleasure on release. Whenever you are released, it charges the potential for imprisonment.
– Deprivation charges the potential for enjoying abundance. Abundance charges the potential for deprivation.
– Everything is like a energetic pendulum, a dance of energy, each swing potentiating the enjoyment of the swing in the opposite direction.
– Suffering and Joy potentiate each other too, similarly.

Analogy of a swing:
Imagine a swing, you first use your effort to kick yourself back, the anticipation increases the higher up the swing moves back, because you know it is going to swing back in the other direction and the potential is building (it isn’t going to move forever backward in the direction you pushed it, you intuitively know this). It reaches a peak and then the swing starts falling. The fun of the fall is proportional to the amount of effort you put in kicking yourself backward, and how high you kicked the swing backward. The pattern is exactly like cos wave.
Effort from desire -> Reaches peak/cresendo -> Release.
Note there is pleasure in both the halfs of the wave.
1. The pleasure of anticipation while you put effort.
2. The pleasure of the reward as you release your effort and fall.

Analogy of the breath:
The same principle applies to the breath. You breath in until you reach a cresendo and then breathe out and let it fall/relax. The in-breath is the Yang, the outbreath is the Yin.
Notice carefully.
The Yang movement exhausts yang and potentiates Yin.
The Yin movement exhausts yin and potentiates Yang.
This breath pattern reveals all the secrets of energy.
Life is breathing forever through its energies.

That is the dance. You are that dance itself.

The cycle of Separation/Ego and Nirvana/Union
At the grandest scale a similar principle applies. There is separation which is like an inbreath. You breath this separation in until it reaches the peak. And then you dissolve your own separation in the outbreath and take yourself back to release/union/infinity/nirvana. And then the desire to repeat the inbreath of separation emerges again. And you inbreathe yourself into separation again. There is infinite creativity in this process.

Analogy of an orchestra:
It is like an orchestra where the players are endlessly improvising their tunes.
First they play different songs in the same genre. (different lives on earth)
Then after completing one genre there is a shift to another genre. (maybe life in a different planet in a different form and realm)
And so on.

Enjoy your projections in the moment.
This moment and flavor will never come back again as the projections take on an eternal dance between dualities.

It is like eternally changing music (sound), taste (food), picture and colors (visual), feelings (sensations). They are all changing within the earth paradigm and soon even the earth paradigm would change to another meta-paradigm and so on…following the hierarchy all the way upto God.

Along with this infinite change, we are also whole at each moment, transitioning from one whole to another whole.
Behind the movement, if we see a dimension above change, is the unchanging awareness.
I am free falling from whole to another whole, eternally.
There is nothing to protect, nothing to become, nothing to be, nothing to do, nowhere to go.
You just are THISssss …….falling.
Free falling into experience.

What is power?
The ability to alter/change one’s own experience is power.
Belief is what carries the ability to alter/change experience.
So belief is a kind of power.
Belief/Faith can move mountains, is really true.

Another way to put it would be:
Appearances of potential energy in your consciousness = power.
Because every potential energy appearance has the power to turn into manifestation.
Greater the potential energy appearance, greater the power to manifest from it.
Now these potential energy appearances can appear to be stable or fleeting.
Once a particular power leaves you even for a moment, you realize that it is not yours, not permanent, and that it can be taken away.

All expectations are expectations of potentials/powers.
Its up to you to look inside yourself and feel, to see if you genuinely have those expected potentials or not.
After all, what are you but the sum of your potential energies?

– Even a belief of “I can do this” is power, because it is the seeing of your potential to accomplish that task.
– ‘Interest’ is power too. “I can figure it out for sure OR I would love to figure this out”. Interest is the power/potential to acquire powers of knowledge.
– Knowledge too is power. “I know I can do this” is power too. Knowledge is the power to know how to accomplish a goal.
– Even capacity to hold on to knowledge is a power. It is the power of retention.
– Receiving and Giving are 2 different powers.
– Money is power – because it is potential for experiences (expected experiences) that money can buy.
– Accumulation of knowledge, money, social connections, drugs are all attempts to capture potential experiences/capture powers.
– All capacities/potentials for experience are powers.
– There is both power in depth and power in breath. (You can know a little of everything or know some things deeply for instance).

The power of sustained attention is required to enjoy something.
We get these attention powers from coffee, alcohol, weed.
Each drugs grants certain powers of experience as long as it is active.

Living each moment entirely and expressing all your power potentials completely at each moment is ecstasy. But this also requires all energies in your experience to be in harmony.
[Full Expression + Harmony] = Ecstasy, Wonder, Beauty.

The important note here is, “power” is your experience, power is an experience by itself. The source of power lies within, not outside.

Everything is subject to divine laws of causation:
What goes up, goes down.
What goes down, goes up.
Awake – Sleep
High – Low
Excitement – Boredom
Intense work – Intense relaxation
Turmoil – Peace
Interest – Disinterest
Everything is going in cycles.
The dualities are cycling like a pendulum.

Each movement creates the potential for movement in the opposite direction.
Like when the pendulum goes left it accumulates potential to move to the right, reaches a peak, then starts moving to the right, now gathering potential to move towards the left. The net energy equation between [kinetic, potential] stays constant. Similarly, the divine energy runs its cycles keeping the net equation the same.

Just like everyday you sleep, the deeper you sleep, the greater is the potential energy gathered for manifesting your day.
Also the harder you work in the day, greater is the potential gathered for sleep.

The idea is to find the transcendent qualities, and then finally transcend even those to reach the source:
LOVE = {love, hate}
PEACE = {peace, turmoil}
TRUST = {trust, mistrust}
BEING = {being, non-being}
Finally SOURCE(∞) = {LOVE, PEACE, TRUST, BEING}