Journey to the Abstract

Imagine the spectrum in ‘Experience’:
Slowest changing—————— Fastest changing

OR Imagine multiple layers one on top of each other.
– The lowest layer is the slowest changing and relatively solid and persistent
– The topmost layer is the fastest changing layer shimmering at the highest
speed.
Imagine yourself to be the observer looking at the stacked layers from the top.
That is what the experience of reality is like.

All there is, is change in experience at various scales/rates:
– Impressions/perceptions are dying/creating at a speed of 1/10000th of a sec.
– Similarly at a human scale the range is 75-95 years.
– And this goes all the way to the yugas(various ages), maha-yugas and so on.

For existence to endlessly sparkle, seems like there has to be simultaneous:
Life/Death, Creation/Destruction, Constant change and transformation.
The existing has to disappear for a new form to emerge and this happens again-again-again…at various change rates as I described earlier.

Constant change (implies ouroboros – simultaneous creation and destruction)
So life itself is a constant change, constant transformation, therefore creation-destruction together at each instant.
Its like a movie screen, each pixel is changing, so every pixel is dying-creating, dying-creating at a rapid rate to create the moving picture.
This is happening at all scales.
Every moment is absolutely fresh and new.

The dark night basically was literal blindness, as the world image sensation complex left my experience.
Our reality is sensation cathected to the world image.
That’s what makes the world image real at all.
When this cathexis is withdrawn, then the WORLD literally disappears from one’s experience as the withdrawal of sensation from the ‘world image’.
I also lost this sensation cathexis for my memory images, so I could no longer identify with my personal history much.

The only way I could maintain the reality of the world i.e. the sensation of the world or parts of it was through effort, stress, pressure from others.
Which is why it was only possible to work, when others pushed me, since that created stress and forced me to cathect to that corresponding image.

So in other words, only the parts of the world that stressed me were alive as the experience of the world, because I would have to use a lot of FORCE (which was very tiring and caused suffering/stress) to maintain their sensation.
Which is why in my experience of the world, the world was this tyrant constantly demanding of me.
I would have to maintain hotch potch blocky dispersed sensations of the world by sheer effort/force.
If I would drop this effort, then, I would return to this limbo void sensation, which is almost not in this world at all.

So then I would wonder how everyone else was so effortlessly in the world, and I on the other hand needed to put in so much effort to even access small parts of it.
That is because my sensate energetic reality (which is all of my experience) had LITERALLY left the world in the most direct sense.
It was almost complete DISSOCIATION.

So assuming I went all the way through, I would reach total blankness/void/emptiness, I would reach non-experience, which on return, would blast in and cathect to the whole manifestation (resulting in a mystical experience).
I wonder maybe that is why God created this whole manifestation – to fill himself up. So then the manifest is the work of God’s love and all of the manifestation unfolding is the direct work of God’s love (which is the ONE energy supporting and moving all of the manifest).

Reality is simply sensation-images.
Images include – internal world(memory) images, external world(sensory) images.
Sensation is what enlivens the images and gives them reality.
Sensation cathects the images and imbues them with reality.
All knowledge is this cathecting of sensation to images.
So essentially – sensation is the direct experience of the ONE energy you are (in whatever form it is in, which depends on what image it has cathected to).
Cathecting can also be called projecting, and sensation is the spirit form itself.
That is why it is said, the world is a maya, because it is only when the substance that you are (the psyche) i.e. sensation, cathects itself to the images, that the images become real and alive.
When this energy gets cathected to images, the images come to life.
Images can also be abstract entities – like symbols, knowledge and so forth too.

(A more technical way to put it would be: The psyche cannot experience itself, just like a flame cannot burn itself. So this invisible psyche cathects itself to images -> and the result of this is the enlivening of the image manifesting as ‘SENSATION’. Sensation can include – thoughts, all forms of knowledge, symbolism, memories, emotions, desires…and so on.)

Sensation is the closest to ultimate reality.
All knowledge and thought is basically sensation.
There is a certain sensation of knowing anything.
All knowing is sensation.
All thinking is sensation.
All emotion is sensation.
Everything physical is sensation.
All experience is sensation.
What is not sensation!
What is sensation, but the direct feeling of energy?
And there is only energy everywhere right?
Aren’t you just feeling yourself then? your own possibilities?
All sensation is direct experience of energy.

You are the wind, you are the silence
You are the heat, you are the cold
You are the pain, you are the pleasure
You are the joy, you are the dejection
They are all flavors of the infinite energy you are.
Its like an energy movie playing and you are the movie itself.
So drop all resistance to this energy movie and rest as your nature
Rest AS Sensation NOW

Penetration(masculine) and Integration(feminine)
This is the yin-yang cyclical spiral process of realization.
If you penetrate too far, then integration has to catch up.
If you integrate fully, then penetration will catch up.

Some more ways of seeing this male/female dichotomy might be:
From rocket terminology:
Thrusters = Male, Stabilizers = Female
Another one:
Exploration = Male, Settlement = Female

Awareness does not IMPLY control.
Control, rather, is an appearance in awareness.
Awareness is not freedom either.
Freedom is an appearance within awareness and is related to control.

The term absolute freedom is referred not to mean freedom of choice but rather it is of freedom FROM choice.
So it is freedom FROM rather than freedom OF.

Experience is experienced in consciousness AS IT IS.
However, when I subject it to analysis and memory, I see there is a lot of knowledge and pattern to this experience.
Like analyzing the night sky.
This adds additional layers of meaning, depth, significance, prediction and richness to the experience.
So it comes down to memory and knowledge and then this knowledge gets added into the structure of the memory itself.
So I could say raw memory and memory structuring (knowledge).
But again raw memory and memory structure are kind of inseparable because in a sense memory itself works only from concepting.
Even concepts of oneness and so on are just the mother of all concepts but are still functioning in the conceptual realm.
The highly rarified, stratospheric realms of the mind contain all-encompassing concepts and vast realms. It is like a concept spectrum from gross to subtle.
To transcend concepts is to go subtler than the subtlest concept.
Also once awareness penetrates all the structures, then even the structures become appearances. Initially persistent appearances, and later even they become mobile and mutable.
So then every single thing in my experience will change at this point.
Because all structures, concepting -> and resultant knowledge will vanish when the structure itself is changed.
So this is the penetration of greater source energy that increases aliveness and energy in the system and thereby provides additional degrees of freedom in structure (or in a sense removes all persistent unchanging structure).

But non-conceptuality is to be non-dual, where nothing can be conceived, imagined, described, said about it. It is even more subtle and beyond the concepts of oneness, enlightenment and so on.
There is only ISNESS, SUCHNESS, thats all.
Even thinking (at the level of subtlety it operates in) is seen as a jagged coarse energy from this level.
So ALL IS APPEARANCE.

Another way to look at this would be, Reality = Input + Interpretation.
But the ‘Interpretation’ component comprises of 99% of our reality.
We are submerged in endless layers of interpretation.
The absolute pure effortless input(sensory) in just its bare form is extremely extremely thin, paper thin.

There is only the “Now”
Just the “Here”
Only the “What IS”
There is just “This”
Everything just “IS”

There are no things, because everything is pulsing, moving, vibrating, shimmering, aliveing and because everything appears in the consciousness field.
(Just like the images shown on a movie screen are just made up of light, similarly all the objects we experience in the world are simply made up of consciousness)
So there are no objects, but only consciousness appearing as objects.
There is total change at every point and every position in consciousness because everything is appearing IN AND AS the alive field itself.
There is only “this vibratory infinity/boundless ONENESS”
I am “IT”
I am “THAT”
I am this “Unmanifest Mystery Unknown” vibrating IN and AS this particular manifest content NOW.
I am the unnameable, the unknown, the mystery, the unmanifest (because all I know is ‘I am NOT’).
I am like the a 7-D boundless TV screen that can show any picture.
What I am, I cannot know, just like a flame cannot burn itself.

All manifestation is causeless.
It all comes from ‘Nothing’.
‘Nothing’ being the infinitely subtle.
In the spectrum from:
Subtle|God| ——-|Soul|—–|Ego|—–|Thoughts|—–|Emotions|—–Gross
God comes first, and is the first cause, which is the infinitely subtle, which is NOTHING.
Its similar to the spectrum of:
Super Strings ——Atoms ——Molecules —— Cells ——Organs——Human
Now super springs aggregate in a certain pattern or way to forms atoms correct?
And this happens at each stage until organs come together and form a human.
The next question would be, what’s subtler than super strings that created super strings?
And if this inquiry is taken further and further, more and more subtle levels will be discovered until one reaches the infinitesimally small substrate which is ‘Nothing’.
The only difference between the super string analogy and the spectrum spoken about here is that, the spectrum here is of DIRECT EXPERIENCE and the GROSS and SUBTLE of experience itself.
Ultimately everything is made up of experience including our material conceptions and so forth.
So the ultimate substrate to study and observe would be experience because that subsumes all other worlds.
This infinite nothing is where all of the manifest comes from.
So in a sense, all cause and effect that we observe in this realm is simply an appearance created by this infinite nothing.
So causation is only apparent/an appearance and the ultimate reality has infinite freedom and is therefore causeless (not limited by causation).

Imagine you have a car made of lego blocks.
Say a kid playing with it does not know its made of lego blocks of 2mmx2mm.
Once he is told, he dismantles it and is thrilled at the new level of freedom.
He can now build new structures using the same blocks – like a truck, ship and so on.
Now say, later he discovers that even each tiny block can further be dismanted to form 0.2mmx0.2mm blocks.
Now he can make even more intricate and complex structures and so on, vastly increasing his freedom.
So the truth is different at different levels of subtlety.
What is truth in a certain layer, is only an appearance or possibility in the subtler layer.

Arousal(stimulation) is what I keep seeking.
Arousal is the energy powering ‘experience’, but this powering energy is also experienced inseparably within all ‘experience’ as charge or potential.
So one could say, all experience is imbued with arousal.
Increasing arousal translates into greater experience intensity.
If there is 0 arousal -> There would be 0 experience (like pulling the power cord off from your television).
Without arousal -> input processing ends -> there would be nothing, you could go unconscious, all experience will come to 0.

The different ways I arouse myself are:
cookies/sweets(sugar), food (when not hungry), cheese, tea, coffee, hot chocolate, health concoctions, fruits, exercise, movies, TV shows, videos (all kinds), erotic & sexual thought/videos/images/activity, reading articles of all sorts, facebook, online chat, video calling/talking in person, music, reflection on memories/patterns, intellectual analysis/critical thinking combined with creative writing, practices: focusing on being and resting in the present moment experience OR focusing on pains or unpleasant sensations, supplements or drugs, reading books, taking a shower, making todo-lists, cleaning house, sleep (as an investment for higher arousal the next day), consumerism: buying stuff on amazon.

It seems like, what I am ultimately seeking is experience and a certain intensity of it.
Preferably good ones, else I am creating even the bad ones if possible to maintain experience intensity and charge (arousal).
I focus on pain with the arousal of how to diminish or remove it.
I focus on pleasure with the arousal of how to keep or increase it.
And when emptiness is there, I focus on, how can I create any kind of experience/arousal through whatever means, but pushing whatever button that can create arousal.

Its like I am used to a certain volume of experience. When the volume of experience goes down, I push all my arousal buttons to try to create some experience (pain or pleasure) that crosses the threshold. So at a higher level, it seems like there is something beyond pain and pleasure, and that is arousal itself or the desire to just have some/any experience.