Journey to the Abstract

Ultimately all anger is about desires.
We are angry at all the reasons because of which our desires are not being met.
Now call one ‘good’ and the other ‘evil’. Does it matter which formation pervades? Creation or destruction?
It is a war.
Until there is transcendence of some kind, there is only war.
Until a perspective is reached that embraces both, there is war.
Ultimately each one wants to convert the other to himself or include the other.
But stuff like creation and destruction, good and bad, are inherently contradictory, and therefore inclusion of the other will destroy the original perspective.
If you think of yourself as ‘something’, there is invariably going to be war.
Whether that something is good or bad is a matter of perspective.
It is a something you have identified with.
Removal of cathexis from all perspectives/points of view/desires, makes one empty, He can now take on any point of view/any formation/any identity, if desired.
When one is free of identifying with the formation (any formation/something), then one is identified with the field instead, and can move into any formation in the field.
It is like being free of gravity. Free of the gravity that holds and binds your experience down to this identity alone.
Its like a guy who does not call himself Indian, American, Filipino etc. gets the passport to all countries. But if he calls himself an Indian etc. he only gets the Indian passport and can only visit other somewhat agreeable countries very briefly (tourist visa).

The Greatest fear is LOSS.
PAIN usually accompanies – the process of loss.
In a sense, if I see both as verbs, then PAIN = LOSS.
Because as loss is happening there is pain.
Also, what is loss for one person, is not a loss for the other.
What matters is loss of what is desired and loved.
This is again different for each person (each a universe) and it just IS, it cannot be understood, so it is absurd in a sense.

Pain is when an undesirable reality replaces a desirable reality.
If it is all a single screen appearance of consciousness, then the undesirable reality replacing the desirable reality is loss of the desirable reality.
So pain and loss are connected and it is ultimately degrees of loss of ‘what is loved’.

So if nothing/infinite is loved, then all its expressions are loved and no-thing is loved, rather the whole field is loved, so all its appearances are loved. So death is not a loss then.
There is only changing experience and one loves the field.
This is the journey from loving somethings’ to loving nothing(field).

Pleasure is felt when – what you want is increased against what you do not want.
Pain is felt when – what you do not want is increased against what you want.
So its all relative.
But what you want at any moment also changes, so its quite mysterious. Each person wants different things too at each time.
That is why pain for one person can be pleasure for the other and vice versa.
What you want is also constantly changing, and it is fundamentally absurd and mysterious.

All emotions are libido in a way.
When emotions are high, libido is high too.
Intense emotions like anger and fear, can be easily converted into libido.

If the nature of everything is God, the instantaneous infinite experience field manifesting instantaneously NOW, then there are no processes, learning, suffering has no value, no growth – nothing.
Everything is a dream. Everything is an appearance. Everything can change. All substance is an appearance too. The vibration can simply move higher and obliterate the whole manifest and create something ENTIRELY NEW in an instant.
Then the value of all experience, is the experience itself, it is the NOW of it.
There is no intrinsic value in memory either, unless you choose to.
Its all a dream. There is infinite memory.
Ultimately you experience, the appearance contents (appear to be remembered) in your conscious field which can expand and contract.

Like Yin/Yang, Heaven/Hell, Pleasure/Pain, Construction forces/Destruction forces, Growth/Decay – There are infinite ways to feel pain, just as there are infinite ways to feel pleasure. Infinite things can go wrong (disharmony) just as infinite things can go right (harmony).

There is only experience ultimately.
And you are the ultimate power.
You will let go of an experience only when you are done with it.
Fully experiencing “whatever experience is” is the only thing.

What we are scared of is the UNKNOWN EXPERIENCE.
Like say you met an alien, and you tune into the alien’s being, and this process disintegrates your entire mind and body to a faster vibration causing your ENTIRE experience to change. Would this not be terrifying?

I am fundamentally running out of egoic energy in every form.
All intellection, thought, practices, even the finest ones which “I DO” is resistance against ‘What Is’.
In fact intellection and thought is subtle energy, it requires imposing control on mental frames which is really tiresome.
All “doing” is resistance against ‘What Is’ – from the subtlest to the grossest doing.
What is running out is this separate self/egoic energy.
I have exhausted my tank of imposing my will on ‘What IS’ or struggling/resisting ‘What IS’.
Even the subtlest imposition of will on ‘What IS’, is resistance against the tide.
It is like movement against an existing medium, like walking in water, or swimming.
At times, I feel less resistance from the medium relatively when there is “higher energy” but when “energy reduces” there is higher resistance felt.
It all comes down to “control” again. Are you controlling experience? In any form?.
All control is invariably resistance, because it is imposing a will on a medium, and the medium does offer resistance no matter what.
Reality is forever eluding my concepts/understanding about it, no matter how rich, vast, complex or incredible my models might be.
It takes energy to uphold concepts/understanding/imposition of frames. And this is precisely the energy that is running out. I can nowadays only hold frames for a few hours at a time.
After that, the energy runs out, I go back into a sort of obliviousness, but when I come back, a different frame appears and I hold that for the next time period, and so on.
Reality is infinite, boundless and mysterious.
“Infinite” in a noun form is analogous to “boundless”
“Infinite” in a verb form is analogous to “mystery”.
As each day passes, my learning paradoxically is about how “I don’t know”.
This unknowing is instilled in me at finer and finer levels as each day passes.
There are so many fine grades and levels of this seeing of unknowing.

Entry and filling – and departure and vacating – of life force.
What we really love is the life force and nothing else.
The life force is synonymous with mystery, change, freedom, vibration, riches and intensity.
So life and death is the [arising, filling and passing] of life force.
It’s a dance between 2 – Awareness and Aliveness.
Aliveness [arises/emerges, fills and passes/dissolves] within Awareness.
This is the package or game of life and death, which happens by the waxing and waning of aliveness[beloved] within awareness.

The material realm and other laws and cycles including the wake, dream, sleep cycle etc. form the base of the aliveness appearance.
Aliveness, along with this base material appearance, also provides many other form and formless realms as possibilities.
When aliveness is at its high point, it provides the greatest riches and freedom.
When aliveness is at its lowest point, one feels completely bound and mechanized by the tyranny of all the laws, losing all possibilities and freedom.
Finally when aliveness fully vacates it ends the duality with awareness and sinks back into awareness causing deep sleep.

Sports is all man made games.
Where man defines the rules of the game.
And skill is built within the rules.
In some sense, every formal dance form is something similar.
Martial art forms too represent something similar.
It is expression within chosen constraint.

All authority is about gaining standing while playing the human games.
This also gives one status.
So all status, authority, power (money, influence) are hard earned elements from playing the joint human games.
It is the human game relativity.
All jobs are something similar.
Be it involving Consumerism, Technology advancement and so on.
It is working and doing your best, given the rules of the company game and the broad market game itself.
Logical debates too represent the same following of rules.
When looking for transcendence, one is looking out of all the games in the playground. One is looking for the truth beyond all the human games.
It’s like, you graduate from all games, and graduation here means seeing through them and losing interest.
I am looking for the real truth, not any fabricated human games, which are good for entertainment.
One can lose himself in the entertainment of all the human games, and get so involved, he can even forget about his mortality completely.
But what is this life? Where are we? Who am I? What is going on? Why are we here? Isn’t existence really absurd? Why is there so much restriction of freedom? What is the nature of aging? What is unchanging? What is the essence and is there any definite essence I can capture?
I need to look past all the games to see beyond.
What are the expressions that go to the edge and beyond all the human games that look like circles to me? What is at the edge of knowing? Who are the pioneers pushing boundaries?
This is where my true interest lies. Everything else does not interest me much, because I can see through them, and all the games do nothing to tell me about the absurdity of my existence, which is the key question I am interested in.
Everything is going round and round and swinging like a pendulum, but what is the force from beyond that creates such a persistent appearance/predictable universe?
Jobs, sports, dance, martial arts, art and so on – its all human games.
Human games allow one to accumulate authority, power, status, identity, role, influence, desirability.
These are the things that do not particularly interest me.
I am much more interested to know what lies beyond.