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About ending co-dependence

Let’s say there is a person ‘X’ I meet who feels offended and hurt for every small thing, blowing things over the top, making emotional mountains of issues, to create guilt in you for making them feel that way.

But their feelings, experience, emotions is their responsibility.
My feelings, emotions, experience is my responsibility.
I need to stop feeling responsible and hypersensitive to other people’s reactions to me. That speaks more about them than me. Because they see my appearance in their sensory input and interpret it based on their imagined mental castle worlds. I see their appearance and imagine them in my mental castle world.  Each person’s experience is their own making, their responsibility, including mine.
Else the situation is like, interacting with that person is like as if their mental castle is full of booby traps which I have to devote so much attention on ‘how to avoid them’. That is so much of baggage to hold on to all the ‘Do/Dont’s rules’.

This greatly impedes the functioning of my spontaneous self, as a result, I resent it and don’t desire it at all. Interacting with another person, should open up new vistas for me, not put me in a minefield or booby trap castle where I have to constantly hold on to the ‘What to avoid’ algorithms as an enormous burden and stress.

My fear of their emotional  unpleasantness is precisely the reason I am enslaved. Similarly the other person also unconsciously uses their unpleasantness as a power to reduce the other to a slave.
In co-dependence, the caregiver has convinced you, that your actions are intimately tied to her emotions and well-being. She has not taught you that you are independent and she is independent. So then you keep a constant watch on how you behave, act, speak and even think, so that you match the caregiver’s expectation so that no untoward reaction is triggered. Once this paradigm is set, you are as controllable as a TV remote is to a TV, for the caregiver. She moves the invisible remote of her emotions in response to everything you do, and your task is to ‘please/maintain neutrality’ and avoid things that ‘displease’. This is a prison like paradigm itself. Co-dependence is basically slavery where in this setup, the other can use his/her emotions like a remote control to control the other. In childhood we have no choice, because displeasing the caregiver means DEATH when you are that helpless. But it is a totally different ballgame once you are an adult. However this pattern tenaciously stays deep in the psyche and has to be uprooted.

The solution I feel to get over this fear is to allow the feared thing to happen: Let them abandon you, get angry, scream, shout, get dejected, frustrated, cut you off, attach you, be hostile etc. or display any of your feared emotions. Let things get bitter, sour, hostile, horrible, disgusting, messy, terrible, violent.

I fear these reactions in them, and it is my own fears that keep me in the prison of ‘attention hijack’ where all  my attention is directed to ‘What to avoid, and how to please’ like a slave. The more reactive, negatively sensitive, trigger-able the other person is, the more my fears are triggers and my own fears subjugate me to a slave.

I explained the caregiver part, how she can control the child by using the framework of co-dependence.

There is another case that can happen too.

In case the parents are highly non-responsive to the needs of the child, OR if situations emerge where the child is struggling with his/her needs or emotional pain or insecurity or chaos, the child may use the co-dependence remote to gain control, stability, security. If the caregivers also buy into the co-dependence paradigm, then the child can use his/her strong emotions and escalate them more and more so that his/her concerns are immediately addressed by the caregiver to avoid unpleasantness.

So thereafter the child uses this strategy to control his/her caregivers in an unpredictable situation and gains control in this way.

Either way, the controller or controlled in this game, is participating in the same game called CO-DEPENDENCE.

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About the Overself WINDS pulling at the Chains of Ego (Illustration)

Imagine a desert like sahara desert.
Imagine there are 100 posts with 100 dogs tied to them, with a chain.
Let’s say the ego is = all the 100 dogs.
The dog’s main mission is to do things within the chains, but ensure that the post does not get plopped off from the ground by external forces.
The external forces is the overself (God’s Karma, which is outside our control).
Now imagine there is an enormous wind. So all the 100 dogs have to struggle to hold on.
Life is a struggle for them until this wind stops.

Imagine now, the wind is so extreme, that one by one, dogs give up and get blown off by the wind. The wind makes it a struggle to maintain the identification. So as you surrender the dogs one by one to the high speed wind, you get dis-identified from those dogs, you let go of them and their tethering post (belief). You start to partially identify with the wind now at this stage.

Eventually all 100 dogs fly away in the wind.
That is total freedom or transcendence. Now the identity shifts from the ego (100 dogs) to the wind itself (overself).

dog

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Loving the overself is loving everything

The projection we can have for all things is either LOVE or THREAT (fear)
‘Exclusive love’ is suffering because everything else becomes a threat to the loved object
Addictive drugs are one of the most dangerous exclusive love
But so is highly exclusive love of any kind
Because such a love can make everything else a threat
When you love the entirety of overself with 0 attachments
Then, you would never leave the state of love
Because there is nothing but the overself
So you love everything
The more threats you have in your experience
Less is your love, and more is your ‘poverty of love’
The ego holds the divine love energy hostage and releases it conditionally
Only based on what it conditionally loves
Everything else apart from what it loves is a threat to it
Dark night:
When the ego loves nothing
(maybe when it realizes
that there is nowhere to go,
nothing to do,
no way to win,
how it in itself is the hindrance)
Then it withholds ALL of the divine love energy as hostage
And releases nothing outside of itself
Because it realizes nothing can give it what it wants
The entirety of the overself has now become a threat to it/entirely unwanted
It is utterly disinterested/averse to EVERYTHING
You lose ALL your interests, I really mean ALL, including the desire to even live
Everything just keeps going on by habit, but inwardly, you are inside a dark cloud
This is a period of great deprivation or dark night
At this stage, all of the divine light is captured by the ego
It lets nothing out
Life is a struggle
Because everything appears threatening/undesirable
But yet survival is constantly grating on you
With 100’s of undesirable things to do
Then gradually the ego understands the predicament
It surrenders and dissolves itself in understanding
And then releases the divine light through it again
This time much more unconditionally than before
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The only thing we love is our own essence

My feelings of attraction are not actually for the object (that is only an appearance), but rather, the object triggers the feelings of attraction. I love the feeling induced by the object and the object by itself has no essence apart from the essence I project on it. All objects are empty props and it is me who projects my essence of them, and then believing it is the object’s essence. A phenomenon of externalization of my own essence (projected).

The object may or may not induce the same feelings, and the mapping of objects to feelings keeps on changing. That is why it is an illusion or Maya. Because then nothing is what it appears to be. The appearances are constantly changing, because the essence mappings are constantly shifting and dancing. The objects get mapped to my feelings (my essence) and we think, getting the object will give us the corresponding feelings because the essence of the object is that feeling. But rather its more like, that object triggers that feeling (may or may not) and that feeling or any other feeling is your essence, not the object’s essence. Also since, the triggered feelings are ever changing, when the change is observed closely in direct experience (and not as frozen mental concepts, like, I love this person, as if love is some kind of unchanging feeling you constantly have for the other, it is just ‘Low sampling rate’ to think that, a generalized concept lacking subtlety, a blanket statement, like saying, all animals are aggressive or something as blanket as that) we can see that our real essence is the infinite.

When we realize that, everything we have ever experienced as others, outside, other people, surroundings, universe, was all in reality our own essence, we project  the self-love to everything. The reason we do not do that now is because, we reserve the emotion of pure love to only our concept of ourselves (which is akin to saying, I am only my thumb and I only love my thumb, the rest of the body is not me).

The light is always shining bright, but our darkness is self created, because we are not open to the moment of direct experience. Open yourself fully to the direct experience fire of life and the ecstasy would be revealed.

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In the Absolute Reality, Meaninglessness cannot exist

When I say everything is meaningless, that is impossible, because total meaninglessness can only apply to ‘Nothing’, and it is not possible to perceive ‘Nothing’, because the ‘Subject’ of such a perception would again be a ‘Something’.

So the meaninglessness experience is basically the egoic structure’s inability to continue itself anymore because it is realizing its own darkness/delusions. So meaning is always there, any ‘Something’ is inherently meaningful and there is eternally a something (nothing can never exist, even if it did, that would be a moment of 0, or non-expeirence, so it would not count at all).

The meaninglessness is because of  the ego getting paralyzed as it realizes that it can never satisfy itself, because it in itself is the unsolvable problem.

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Life is a TV screen

Lets say, life is a TV screen, and based on what I saw on the TV screen I collected some portions of it as me, as my nature, and ever since then I’ve been trying to protect those parts.

But once I realize that the contents of the TV screen is all that there is, everything has the same essence i.e. pixels of that screen, then I let go of all I was holding on, on the screen.

Also what the contents are going to be, is not determined by the previous content but the TV signal itself, which is an unknowable mystery.

Imagine you were sealed from the world, and always shown only one kind of channel/movie again and again, you would start to think that is real right? You might build a complex reality structure by observing the patterns you witnessed. But what if later, I changed your TV signal and you started getting 100s of channels with extremely varied content? What would be your reaction? What would happen to the old reality you had created and held based on everything you saw in that one channel?

Lets say Shiva is pure awareness – the witness of the screen and Prakriti is the dancer – the mover of the screen contents. So the idea is to surrender control/let go to prakriti to create ecstasy, and STAY/REMAIN/BE as Shiva – the pure awareness of everything in the screen.

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Even comparative elements (like intensity, size, distance, difference) are quality objects in the Consciousness Screen

When we see a red object, we think the quality of the object is red.
We associate the redness to be a quality intrinsic to the object.
But is this really so?
The object surface has absorbed all the other colors of light and only reflects red.
Also if I shine an entirely different light color on it
I get a different reflected color
Like say I shine blue light on an otherwise red object in white light
Then the object reflects a darker blue.
So what is the REAL color of the object?
Darker blue or red?
It depends on the kind of light I shine on it.
We could say the nature of the object observed
Depends upon the light of the observer
But now we are still assuming that the light comes from the observer and thereby evokes the quality of objects
(the object intrinsically is infinite, it can assume any quality depend on the kind of light you project on it)
But the light does not come from the observer, rather it shines through the observer and illuminates the observer himself
Another issue with this imagination however, is that, we feel like it is in time
That the light actually flows from a point A to point B or through point A to point B
Point A being the observer, to point B being the observed
But then in our observation the 2 phenomena happen instantaneously
The observer and the observed
Just like how a dream materializes instantaneously and not in sequential steps.
Also does the observer have any control on the light emitted through him?
From practical experience, it seems like ‘yes’, but the observer can only change the quality of light
But not provide the light itself.
What provides the light itself?
That light which is outside of time and space
Which allows you to even perceive time and space as its possibilities
Is the transcendent light.
———————————————————–
Total energy of the universe is constant.
Total experience/qualitative space is constant.
We are always that infinite screen
All comparative qualities are also objects in the screen
In other words, all comparative qualities are also ‘Qualities’ on the screen
Like distance, length, size, intensity etc.
But the screen is always shining the same intensity of awareness
Its only the objects that change
But the essence of the screen as awareness is constant.
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Time and Space do not Absolutely Exist

Time and space exist only in relativity.
In the absolute, there is no time or space.
Time and Space are mental constructs
And exist as mental constructs
Just like any other concept
Like say the concept of a Dog.
How do you know what a ‘Dog’ is?
How do you construct such a concept?
Time and Space are gigantic global concepts in our mental world
Almost like the foundation over which we build all other concepts
It is like part of the bootstrap code in your OS
Time and space are the broadest mental mega-abstractions
we use to build all of our other abstract mental concepts over
It is serving as the foundation for all of our other mental constructs
Time and Space, is only as real/unreal as distance, latitude, longitude, speed and so on.
Let’s go down to the simplest definition.
Time is the distance between 2 changing states in an object
Space is the distance between 2 objects
So lets take their spectrums:
Let PO = perceivable object
Space continuum – ∞ ————–|PO A|——-<Space concept>———|PO B|———————- ∞
Time continuum – ∞ —————-|PO state A|————-<Time concept>————-|PO state B|———— ∞
Just like in geometry we have axioms and the whole of geometry is build over those axioms
Similarly, Time and Space is the axiom for almost the entirety of our mental reality.
Without defining those 2 points of the continuum, the abstractions of time and space cannot exist
So a kind of primary duality/separation/discretization/division is needed before time and space concepts can even exist.
So this duality/separation comes first
It is prior to time and space, and the time and space concepts in fact depend on that.
Which is why, once all separation is ceased, we enter the non-dual reality
Where there is no TIME or SPACE because the condition over which such a concept can exist itself is not there.
It is like, if you go prior to the axioms of geometry, geometry would no longer exist, because its foundation has been penetrated
So ‘physical reality’ exists because of discretization/objectification of the space continuum.
‘Time’ exists because of discretization of object states (using our memory).
Memory is TIME. No memory = no time. Without memory, every moment would be new.
Its easy to see how with no memory, you cannot compare 2 objects states and therefore you would be unable to have 2 reference points on the ‘change continuum’ to create the abstract concept of time.
Interesting, No memory = No space
This is because for space, I need to see the world as objects
How do I see objects? the object has to demonstrate continued essence in time
The ‘continued essence’ in time, becomes the object.
Like say I see a car moving, I notice that even in my changing field of experience, I notice the essence of the car (size, shape, color) not changing, but I see it changing position. So then my object becomes the unchanging part.
Therefore, to even perceive objects I need memory
And object perception is needed, before space can be perceived (a minimum of 2 objects)
Therefore no memory also implies no space.
We basically bit- the universe and discretize it into objects/concepts
This creates the fabric of our mental world
But in truth the universe is analog, continuous and infinite
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What is depression?

Depression is when the distance between ‘What is’ and ‘What I want/What should be/’ gets great enough to break the chain of hope.
The ‘What is’ and ‘What I want’ are always playing a game  of cat and mouse with each other.

‘What is’ ——————    —-(The pull of passion, hope, belief, meaning)—>>>>>>     ———-‘What I want’

When the rift between them gets too large, the tension of passion, hope and belief loses its power and gets disconnected.

‘What is’———– ……………(long distance)…….. ———-‘What I want’

Another case is when, you want all kinds of contradictory realities which are not possible, like equally want to experience being married and single, being celibate and sexual, living in a cave and enjoying worldly games and so on. I mean why would you want to forgo anything?

So then too, the bridges between ‘What is’ and ‘What I want’ are broken
‘What is’ ———————————————–‘What I want 1’
                                ————————————‘What I want 2’
                                ————————————‘What I want 3’
                                ————————————‘What I want n’

Which one will you take if there are 1000s of them? And for each one you’ll need an entirely different structure. And each one of these realities would take enormous time to create and nurture? How can you have all of them? Each is a parallel universe of possibilities.
So, as you contemplate ‘what I want’, the desires reach more and more lofty unattainable contradictory impossible levels. Correspondingly the distance/bridges between ‘What is’ and the ‘What I want’ gets so large, that the hope/passion/belief/meaning gets broken. When you see the futility and the impossibility of the task of getting to ‘What I want’, you resign and get depressed.
Now everything that happens in ‘What is’ is unsatisfactory to ‘What I want’ and since the bridge itself is broken, you are just doing things but with the baggage of great dissatisfaction.
Now the only way out is to dissolve the ‘What I want’ and stay with the ‘What is’. Staying with the ‘What is’ continuously 24×7 as a practice, in time, will create enough counter karma to remove the karma of maintaining ‘What I want’. Another way to satisfy your intellectual side would be to see the logical impossibility of getting ‘What I want’. This is because, you cannot get the infinite by any conception of ‘What I want’. And the Infinite >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> What I want. So to that degree your dissatisfaction would also be EXTREMELY high because you want the infinite, but you only get a single conception with your egoic efforts.
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‘States of mind’ spectrums – in relation to functionality, desire and fear

All states of mind lie in a spectrum:
Non-functional (low-energy, attention hijacks, low control)—————–| <–More Fear|——————————<spectrum>——————-|Less Fear –>|——————- Functional (high energy, high control)

So as I move through myriad states in the day, the non-functioning ones make me contract in fear in an attempt to preserve power and control, the functional ones make me feel comfortable and powerful.

Then there is another spectrum:
Desires out of harmony with the collective culture/situation/environment —————–| <–More Fear|——————<spectrum>——————–|Less Fear –>|——————— Desires in harmony with collective culture/situation/environment.

– Because when you are in harmony, the environment supports your ego (like say you love to dance, and all your friends love that too and admire you).
– But when out of harmony (say you want to meditate, when you are expected to party), then your ego is threatened by the outside forces which are opposed to your desire.

– If your desires are entirely out of harmony with the collective culture, then there is constant anxiety because everything outside becomes a threat.
– Whereas if the desires are mostly in sync, like say you have internalized the capitalist mindset, your self esteem is in work and success concepts, and everyone else around you lives by the same concepts), then your ego is not threatened at all, so you feel quite safe and there is at-most just a vague unease but very mild.

Since the ego itself is an illusion, it requires a lot of reinforcement for its sustenance. Without this reinforcement, either in terms of habits, rituals, or other people’s constant validation, it cannot survive. Thus, we spend most of our lives trying to bolster support for our ego. How much support do you need? Depends on how unstable and insecure you feel.

There is another spectrum here of how we coexist with others in the ego state.
Totalitarianism (total domination, imposition of your will) —————<spectrum>————————–Live and let live (you have a space, I have a space, and we interact when its mutually beneficial)———————————<spectrum>—————————–Transcendence (We all will mutually help one another to find the truth and our highest potential)

Competition model:

Totalitarianism is like despots, tyrants who are wanting to crush all threats/differences. The rule is like ‘I own everything and everybody, every person is subject to my control. I have ABSOLUTE control’. Now obviously absolute control does not exist, but yet, it is possible to live a life and have a mind dedicated to the mission of seeking absolute control. It is a certain direction of thought, that you do to end your sense of insecurity. You could spend endless hours pouring on how to influence, subjugate, control people to your way in the best possible way and become an expert manipulator or mind gamer. Why do all this? So that you can reach a situation where nobody can threaten you anymore and your egoic concept will be safe and you would feel at peace. Physical violence is a very crude way of achieving control so such despots quickly move into mind games to get their way. The more intelligent the person, the more intense his mind game will be and the more people he might pull into his antics.

Co-operation model:

In the live and let live idea, you divide everything up into spaces, and you have your space and let other people have theirs and interact only when mutually beneficial. So in that way, you can continue your egoic activities and the other can continue his in his space and you both can interact where-ever it is mutually beneficial with 0 unnecessary dependence. So this is a nice mature way to coexist peacefully as egos. This also enables cooperation between egos, because since each member has his own space, he is not threatened and therefore can genuinely freely interact with others. This arrangement is far more secure than the above because, no matter how strong you are, you are still constantly under threat, the world is too large and there are just too many threats.

Transcendence model:

Even higher on the spectrum is transcendence where, along with living and letting live, the ego attempts to find its own truth to end all of insecurity in an ultimate way. And all the other ego’s too assist each other as much as they can to free themselves of ALL limitations.