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Transcendent understanding brings the transcendent qualities of bliss, beauty, love, wonder:
– Bliss is to see this total interdependence and the inherent emptiness/shunyata of all manifest/appearances.
– Beauty is fully inhabiting ‘What is’ with psychic sensitivity and no distortions, concepts.
– ‘Transcendent understanding’ brings about ‘Transcendent love‘. Understanding = Love.
– Wonder is to transcend memory and see things as anew. Seeing the world without the filters of memory, with the fullness of the present. It is when thought does not filter/influence the perception of the present and is rather seen as part of the present (Thought = Memory)

Decay, frozenness, barrenness, flatness, dullness, decrepit, large swathes of stagnancy, lot of inaccessible areas, chaos, confusion, dread (because of momentum in the direction of movement), effort/suffering, hopelessness (because of direction of energy movement), descending into a black hole, fear that it would stay forever (because of the long term nature of it), losing more and more energy, despair (severe dearth of energy to do anything about it), surviving based on little windows of good emotions/connections, bleakness, very poor executive function, getting overwhelmed by chaotic unpleasant forces, burden of expectations, dark skies blocking most of the light, fog everywhere and obscured environment with lots of black holes and stagnancy, spiraling troubles as more and more people react to me with either neglect, condemnation, abuse, disgust, anger, hatred, rejection, misunderstanding and all kinds of negative emotions, making me lose faith in everything because everything is turning against me, body pain, fatigue, listlessness, loss of all kinds of mental faculties, loss of intelligence, vigor, vitality. The world becomes a scary place triggering all kinds of unpleasant possibilities and suffering and a it would take a great struggle to get out of them and may or may not get out – uncertainty. This caused me to stay alone, stop interacting, stop participating in anything, causing a brain starved of stimulation and therefore decaying more and more, total inability to assert myself, numb and and very vaguely aware of my own needs.

What is needed: 
Attention, Help, Support, Concern, Acceptance, Care, Love, Patience, Knowledge, Understanding, Nurture.

I precisely understood my fear:
– I look at duality only for negative experiences. Like I’m in a gray island looking at a colorful island on the other end of the horizon.
– I am afraid to look at the duality from the side of positive experiences. If I am in the colorful island, I do not want to even consider that the gray island is needed. Its as if I am avoiding looking at the background and dissociating from it. Removing it from my conscious awareness. But nevertheless, it still exists and that is what makes my positive experience even possible. In some way, I am unable to fully enjoy the positive experience also because of this blocking I do.
– I try to hold on to positive experiences as if they are real. But they are as real and meaningful as negative experiences.
– This causes me to constantly seeking the colorful island from the gray island, but when I actually get color, I try to hold on to it and get dragged back into the gray island and once again keep seeking it. Even when I have the positive experience, I suddenly tunnel my vision and try to grasp and extract as much as I can from it. This action/desperation actually reduces the pleasure/satisfaction/understanding of the positive experience.
– In other words, in a way I do not experience the positive experience fully, because I do not allow myself to perceive its dual fully. Most of what I have is the mental satisfaction for meeting one of my mental ideas. But beyond the mental level satisfaction, the satisfaction is not for the entire being.
– Also satisfaction comes from understanding. I am not perceiving the whole picture, because I am only understanding the interdependence from one side and not the other and believe that the positive experiences have their own essence somewhere.
– The reason for this belief maybe that I am afraid of the total emptiness/shift, if even positive experiences have no essence. I have understood this fact logically and intellectually. But to feel it/experience this with my entire being, with all my emotions, with all my primitive powers is another thing.
– Actually the separation between intellectual, emotional, primitive instincts, mind and being are just artificial boundary lines we draw in the spectrum of our experience. They are just concepts. Each person would draw the boundary differently, include/exclude different aspects. The reality of it is that, it is just one space just like the land on earth is just land and we divide it into various countries by drawing artificial boundaries. The reality of it is quite seamless/continuous. What I call my intellectual understanding will slowly percolate in my entire being. The intensity of the drive, earnestness to know the truth is a better indicator of how deep a person would reach (as said by Nisargadatta M) vs. whether he is working intellectually, emotionally with mind/body which is kind of irrelevant because they are all concepts and each person categorizes them differently etc.

You have to hold the beautiful in you mind to see the ugly.
You have to hold the ugly in your mind to see the beautiful.

You have to hold the insane in your mind to see sanity.
You have to hold sanity in your mind to see the insane.

You do not lose the beautiful when you hold the ugly.
You do not lose the ugly when you hold the beautiful.
They both mutually make each other possible.
The ugly reminds you of the beautiful.
The beautiful reminds you of the ugly.
I was trying to hold the beautiful without the ugly which was impossible because when I tried to do that, I essentially dissociated from all perception of both the ugly and the beautiful.
This caused me to constantly seek the beautiful but even when I did get it I could not experience it because I would try to remove ugliness. But removing the ugliness would also cause the beauty experience to disappear. So I would be left with nothing.

So I would only really experience: ugly in foreground and beauty in background and I keep trying to attain that beauty at a distance. But when I attained beauty I would not get it because I would then try to cut off ugliness but that would cause the beauty to disappear too. So my only complete experience was when ugly was in the foreground and beauty was in the background, which is why I naturally gravitated towards the ugly and feeling most of my life is bad.
Even my behavior would attract the ugly because of my core-belief that beauty has its own essence.So that is the core belief that stopped me from a complete relaxed experience of life.The fundamental dissatisfaction and longing would get fulfilled with this understanding.

To see good in the foreground, you need to have bad in the background and vice versa.
This is the game of duality.
There are basically 2 opposing forms of energy that mutually define/illuminate each other.

But there are also cycles and spirals.
A cycle is the oscillatory movement of energy in the field of energy dualities.
A self accumulating/momentum accumulating cycle creates a snowball effect OR a spiral which spirals outwards.
Similarly, A spiral can also happen inwards.

Inward spiral is of contraction, and outward spiral is of expansion. Again to witness these inward/outward spirals, there has to be a relatively stable background to provide the frame of reference. This background is similar to the stationary object perspective when it comes to speed, acceleration and deceleration.

If I compare this with the relativity of distance, speed, acceleration:
Distance – Duality
Speed – Cycles
Acceleration – Spirals

The light of your attention can be focused or de-focused.
The light of your attention contains all your emotional projections.
This light is what we direct towards the manifest world.

When the light of attention is de-focused:

• When de-focused,  your emotions are not invested in anything in particular but more in abstract themes. 
• You see the forest for the trees and no tree is very significant, or the investment of projections is diffuse for each tree. 
• The analogy for this would be a floodlight like spread of light. 
• No area is exceptionally illuminated, but a large area is covered. 
• Its like a cloud like density spanning a large area. But power output for change at a micro level is low.

When the light of attention is focused:

• When focused, your emotional projections are invested and directed to a single object or small group of objects.
• You see a single tree of the forest in great detail and all your projections are directed towards it.
• The analogy would be a laser like pointed light.
• Its like the density of a small iron ball. 
• Its power output and capacity for change is high.

Each experience is a kind of potential, if this potential is not released, then it waits for a chance to come out and comes out in bursts whenever a window of opportunity is available.

All experience potentials must be released. 
Like my potential for depression, feeling low, disgust, leaving people, apathy, hurt, torpor, feeling attacked, rebellion, feeling victimized, disillusionment, be passive are some of the -ve potentials. 

Also my +ve potentials – to contemplate, to be affectionate, to serve, to cherish, to reminisce, for understanding, abstract thought and so forth. 

All of these are potentials for experience. Even the arising of these potentials and their discharge have to be fully allowed to make way for new potentials. Unexpressed potentials are a kind of accumulation. 

The question I have is, am I supposed to deplete it by allowing myself to feel it for a long time, or will that further solidify that? Both seem to be contradictorily true. Are we born with these potentials for experience  OR are they cultivated? OR cultivated over an existing accumulation of potential?

I cannot use my mind even at its highest capacity to really optimize the entire of existence. Mind is a part of existence and plays its role, but it cannot do everything. The mind is an appearance like any other and therefore cannot be put at the helm of the ship. The question is not of balance, but of transcendence. I have to transcend the mind and understand its true nature. Giving the burden of controlling, managing everything is a contraction of consciousness again which is painful. The spectrum runs all the way from – Spasm………………|……Flexible………|………………..Total Relaxation. Like a string of a guitar. Its the music thats important and not the string’s specific tautness. So all appearances serve as ingredients to the music which is experience. If any one appearance is fully believed to be true and the sole controller then it is like persisting in playing a particular tune in piano even when the other instruments like drums, bass, strings in the orchestra are having a different beat and rhythm. Sometimes all the instruments may sync with the particular tune you are playing in the piano but at all other times, it will be a struggle and disharmonious. What is needed is an ultimate optimization function of all appearances in every moment of experience so that every moment is a beautiful music. The number of harmonies possible are infinite just like the number of disharmonies possible are infinite. It like moving to a happier infinity from a struggle oriented infinity. This optimization will obviously happen once everything has been transcended. Transcendence is seeing the ultimate vision and purpose of everything. Once that is seen, everything now serves this truth. The only thing needed is realization of the absolute truth.

All decisions and actions are purely in the service of this apprehended wholeness. They happen automatically in harmony to whatever level your vision operates from. The only thing needed is the permeation of awareness into all contents of consciousness and transcendence. The harmonization happens automatically because it is only the illusions that are preventing this harmonization from naturally happening. Harmony, Beauty, Bliss, Celebration, Ecstasy is the basic nature once all illusions are seen through.

Yea, infact at an absolute level, no experience can be communicated through words. This applies to all of direct experience. In a way, you are truly alone (but thats the glorious part too :P)