Thoughts/Insight – Oct 4

All perception needs its opposite, there is total interdependence:
There is the perception of infinite in the perception of the finite.
There is the perception of finite in the perception of the infinite.

There is no ultimate winning. Winning is simply a game.
There is the perception of losing in the perception of winning.
There is the perception of winning in the perception of losing.

The way to reach the root is to start from ‘What are you currently perceiving with absolute honesty”. 
And the see that in order for you to perceive that, all the opposites are also perceived.
Like If you are perceiving qualities 4, 7, 9, 100, 30, 50
In order to perceive those you are also simultaneously holding the following perceptions in the background; -4, -7, -9, -100, -30, -50.
The end result when you see the entire picture is ‘0’, shunyata, emptiness and there is just the grand space in which all manifestation occurs.
What causes the movement and change in the manifest is You. 
You are change itself. You are time itself, not in time.

There is only the space of ‘What Is’ in constant change/movement/modulation.
The experience of beauty is when you get into the space of ‘What is’ and see with a certain depth of openness/sensitivity of psyche. 
‘What is’ when seen fully with no distortion, no concepts, is beautiful. This transcendent beauty is available always.

I precisely understood my fear:
– I look at duality only for negative experiences. Like I’m in a gray island looking at a colorful island on the other end of the horizon.
– I am afraid to look at the duality from the side of positive experiences. If I am in the colorful island, I do not want to even consider that the gray island is needed. Its as if I am avoiding looking at the background and dissociating from it. Removing it from my conscious awareness. But nevertheless, it still exists and that is what makes my positive experience even possible. In some way, I am unable to fully enjoy the positive experience also because of this blocking I do.
– I try to hold on to positive experiences as if they are real. But they are as real and meaningful as negative experiences.
– This causes me to constantly seeking the colorful island from the gray island, but when I actually get color, I try to hold on to it and get dragged back into the gray island and once again keep seeking it. Even when I have the positive experience, I suddenly tunnel my vision and try to grasp and extract as much as I can from it. This action/desperation actually reduces the pleasure/satisfaction/understanding of the positive experience.
– In other words, in a way I do not experience the positive experience fully, because I do not allow myself to perceive its dual fully. Most of what I have is the mental satisfaction for meeting one of my mental ideas. But beyond the mental level satisfaction, the satisfaction is not for the entire being.

– Also satisfaction comes from understanding. I am not perceiving the whole picture, because I am only understanding the interdependence from one side and not the other and believe that the positive experiences have their own essence somewhere.
– The reason for this belief maybe that I am afraid of the total emptiness/shift, if even positive experiences have no essence. I have understood this fact logically and intellectually. But to feel it/experience this with my entire being, with all my emotions, with all my primitive powers is another thing.
– Actually the separation between intellectual, emotional, primitive instincts, mind and being are just artificial boundary lines we draw in the spectrum of our experience. They are just concepts. Each person would draw the boundary differently, include/exclude different aspects. The reality of it is that, it is just one space just like the land on earth is just land and we divide it into various countries by drawing artificial boundaries. The reality of it is quite seamless/continuous. What I call my intellectual understanding will slowly percolate in my entire being. The intensity of the drive, earnestness to know the truth is a better indicator of how deep a person would reach (as said by Nisargadatta M) vs. whether he is working intellectually, emotionally with mind/body which is kind of irrelevant because they are all concepts and each person categorizes them differently etc.

You have to hold the beautiful in you mind to see the ugly.
You have to hold the ugly in your mind to see the beautiful.

You have to hold the insane in your mind to see sanity.
You have to hold sanity in your mind to see the insane.

You do not lose the beautiful when you hold the ugly.
You do not lose the ugly when you hold the beautiful.
They both mutually make each other possible.
The ugly reminds you of the beautiful.
The beautiful reminds you of the ugly.
I was trying to hold the beautiful without the ugly which was impossible because when I tried to do that, I essentially dissociated from all perception of both the ugly and the beautiful.
This caused me to constantly seek the beautiful but even when I did get it I could not experience it because I would try to remove ugliness. But removing the ugliness would also cause the beauty experience to disappear. So I would be left with nothing.

So I would only really experience: ugly in foreground and beauty in background and I keep trying to attain that beauty at a distance. But when I attained beauty I would not get it because I would then try to cut off ugliness but that would cause the beauty to disappear too. So my only complete experience was when ugly was in the foreground and beauty was in the background, which is why I naturally gravitated towards the ugly and feeling most of my life is bad.
Even my behavior would attract the ugly because of my core-belief that beauty has its own essence.So that is the core belief that stopped me from a complete relaxed experience of life.The fundamental dissatisfaction and longing would get fulfilled with this understanding.

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