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If I look at my life history impartially, there have been people who really enjoyed and liked my personality and there have been people who have been indifferent or abusive. But somehow I have a tendency to view myself as a person who is not liked much or accepted by people in general. Why do I identify with this image more? Does it truly reflect the actual reality? Why do I tend to choose to be alone rather than with people? Why do I choose hobbies that greatly lower the need for interaction with others? Afraid of rejection, abusive people, exploiters, predators, indifference, judgments – anything that dis-empowers my perception of myself? Am I attached to an image of grandiosity about myself? And only like people who continually validate that? Which is why self-absorbed people don’t interest me since they are all about themselves and nothing is coming out?

Everyone is running after investments in all forms. All relationships are investments, all job work performed is an investment, traveling around/exploration is an investment for interesting social conversations. There is a mindset where I can see everything reducing into some form of investment in anticipation of future reward/security.

All your life energies and EVERYTHING that you can possibly imagine and beyond is in a certain configuration at this moment. These energies are constantly in a flux and are ecstatically moving. The “I” concept filter acts as a huge barrier to the free movement of these energies. I force myself to think in a particular way, suppress feelings which arise which don’t seem right and encourage only certain patterns in myself. I also control my attention in definite ways which have been taught to me by society.

Everything is seamless besides the boxes we put around things. Can you really say that each birthday is a milestone personality changer for you? When you cross countries, can you really feel that you are going into a distinctly new land besides the artificial fence? All boundaries seem to be artificial man made concepts created for convenience. In truth everything is seamless. I can take this a step further and say the physical world itself only exists as a mental concept in your perception which is the actual reality for you. The passage of age, the passage of time is just seamless. The molecules that make up air and the molecules that make up a solid just differ in their energies and frequency. That too is seamless. The appearance is just a product of our perception.

I always had this feeling that the act of sex itself was very ordinary. It’s the projection, imaginations, bio-chemicals that make the day and night difference. Maybe that’s why it’s called chemistry.  Attraction is a mystery. What attracts me and how and when is it sustained? I am looking for some external magical object that will satisfy me supremely. It’s hard to even imagine what such an object will be because my imagination of this ideal object keeps changing all the time. However, in my past, I have had people with whom I was very comfortable and satisfied to a fairly high degree. They have appeared in certain situations and given me satisfying experiences which is why I am able to project right now.

Today was my first REALLY sincere attempt at Jhana meditation.
I read the following article: http://www.metta.lk/english/accessing-jhana.htm

It absolutely intrigued and inspired me and I was ready like never before to attempt it. I had a very intimate encounter with my own mind in these 23 minutes. My mind is like the ultimate hypnotist. It would get me out of the object chosen blistering fast and suddenly I would be like ‘where the hell did I land up?, where was I?’, just like a super fluid dream of continuously changing perception. Another very interesting thing I observed is that, I hold awareness of the actual real sensation for just a blip and quickly a mental concept takes over and like a change blindness trick I hold on to that instead. I think this is what the Buddhist texts meant by mental factors. Now this mental concept being in the fluid mental plane starts morphing into something else and I start to perceive something entirely different. The mental plane is like sinking sand. I would like to call it a ‘dancing fluid space of continuously changing perceptions’ rather than ‘monkey mind’. The actual physical sensation appeared to change much more slowly. However, I could not observe it continuously since the mental factor distractions allowed me to only come back to it intermittently.

Its becoming a super interesting inquiry. Its like what is left when you let go of everything. I found that there are layers and layers that hypnotically pull me in. The real effortless reality lurks behind all those obfuscating Maya like layers which draw my attention and interest very easily. I watch this mental movie like an enraptured kid and then suddenly I’m like ‘I was supposed to be observing the REAL breath sensation’.

I had previously taken an intro 45 minute session, so I had a bit of idea as to what to expect. Reaching the space where your body is almost in-detectable (similar to the float tank) and exploring the mind-space. When I started off with my 2.5hr-3hr session, first I found those uncomfortable lightheaded energetic sensations which kept getting more intense as I continued. Surprisingly, I did not get tetany at all. Lying down in shavasana or with a similar position and legs folded worked out very well. After around 30-40mins of breathing, I suddenly fell into the holotropic state and was drawn into dreamlets. The dreamlets were quite similar to hypnogogia and were no more easier to observe. Whenever I tried to verbalize or conceptualize with my mind, the process would stop. Its almost like only one of them can function i.e. either I get enjoy the flow of images or have a blank screen where I think in words.

I recall around 3-4 dreamlet like scenes. The scenes were emotional but of medium intensity just like usual dreams. One interesting part was when I saw orange symbols like art flash in front of  my eyes. It was like my eyes were wide open and looking but I was wearing a mask and they were closed. That was a really interesting moment. It would be wonderful if I could get that kind of clarity with hypnogogia. Another very interesting moment was when a particular song was playing, it created really great feelings in me in those moments, like a real WOWW kind of feeling. My body felt really cool at the end like the energy has been totally cleansed. Only my entire right shoulder to right arm was paining and that also went away once I got up.

The interesting pointers for exploration are: how do you navigate and allow the flowing imagery to operate fully without the verbal, analytical and conceptual mind interruption? and the second is: How would you retain a strong memory of it without any conceptualizing? would it be like eidetic kind of memory training?

During the sitter role, the people crying and screaming around me coupled with the super loud emotional music (tracks played at the end of heroic and romantic movies) really moved me. I was thinking about my own suppression and how much energy would be released if I just let it go.

I got thoughts about a cell with a small nucleus at the tip of it say. The nucleus is the controlling inhibitory rationalizing part of me. But there are these whole cell contents pushing me in various directions. The nucleus decides whether to follow it or no but the pressure is nevertheless there. I thought about how divided my mind is and what wholeness might feel like. Why are all my actions so divided? That’s why there is so much of stress, tension and indecision.

I can meditate on each aspect of my suppression and release it. The only suppression which I cannot fully release is with respect to moving the physical body, unless my work is in a lucid dream.

While looking through old photos today, I could recall vivid memories and impressions from my past. I could also get a quick glimpse of my experience at that time like what it felt like to see/experience through those child eyes. I had collected photos of myself in a chronological order.

I could feel a kind of unconditional love for my past selves and experiences. I was wondering, what if I could go back and comfort that scared child I was? Show it the right perspective and give it all the love it missed. I would be the ultimate mentor since it is the absolute height of empathy possible. I know and can relate EXACTLY to the feelings of that child/adolescent. I can directly address the deepest fears and insecurities. I can also share that the future is totally OK and nothing that is happening now matters beyond an interesting memory.

Why would someone want to control everything? Isn’t that power like a lucid dream? Technology can only be as useful or harmful as the mind wielding it, but what decides who wields it or what kind of consciousness takes control, what kind is a victim and what kind escapes?

Power and control always exists. Let’s look at the pure energy and not the forms. It’s just a play of energy. What’s the intelligence doing this is? Its different mimes and energy forms taking strength and dominating consciousness at different times. But our brain would adapt to whatever situation you put it in. Like the Nazi camp, people lost hope completely. Some other people are hyper motivated because they achieve whatever targets they set. Externally I see a human form, but what makes the person? His body with its automatic systems? His ideas which are got from social interactions with parents, relatives and friends? Where did the parents etc. get the ideas? What about genes? Who created the parent’s genes?

Logic falls apart as you expand the scope of inquiry. There is inseparability and nothing can be defined by itself as having any essence. Let’s move deeper into the individual elements. If a person is made up of mimes, ideas. Then what are these ideas? Energy forms? What is this energy? What decides which forms of energy dominate?

How do I know what this energy is? As I am writing this, what kind of energy is writing this? What kind of energy is there inside me when I am hearing words in my mind? What is the energy of seeing, hearing, smelling, touch, internal sensations? What is the nature of movement of these energies? What is the energy of sensations? As I indulge in different forms of thoughts, what is the energy of it? When I am stressed, what is the energy? When I am critically thinking in concepts, what is the energy? When I am relaxing, what is the energy? What is the energy for each of the social interactions I have moment to moment? When I think that I need to do a LOTTT and learn a LOTT to get enlightened, what is the energy? When I think enlightened is a very simple thing, what is the energy of that?

Even the word ‘energy’ I am using is just a pointer to feeling? Can I know anything beyond what I feel? EVERY SINGLE THING ends up into a feeling? The word feeling is a pointer to ….no words…, isn’t ‘THAT’ the irrefutable truth? It is a unifying field in which everything is happening and I am aware of this field at every moment of my life.

Seeking enlightenment is trying to find essence by going deeper and deeper into reality to find its elements. It’s a trip into the underground cave to find the core from which everything emerges.

I get so involved into conversations there is so much of reluctance to leave it incomplete without a closure. These incomplete convos happen so many times, in person, phone and the internet. If I move to some other topic then I have to deal with the discomfort of not meeting the success criteria for the conversation. Its like cutting a sine wave somewhere in between. Its like I have an obsessive need to get things finished to the extent that they match my mental image or success criteria. Its like I’m inbetween my lesson and have to abort. Its like stopping a movie just at the climax. I have invested so much and I do not get the reward of the sense of completion. This is similar to the hunter personality where you chase the kill with all your might and then it slips away at the last minute. There is so much energy invested but the reward just slips. There is a radical energy inside me that pushes incomplete things to completion. At times this wastes a lot of time. Like say I am eagerly waiting for a phone call from someone. During that period I cannot do anything else, my whole mind is consumed. But because of this, I give my whole attention totally into the conversation. I can see the same trend even in excitement about pleasurable objects (material/non-material). When I am in a state of intense anticipation, my whole mind is consumed and I am incapable of doing anything else. Its like a one pointedness but only for that thing and that is disabling. Could it be excess dopamine leading to excess pleasure on receiving the object? If someone goes away and says they will be back, there is a big risk that the high involvement I would need to maintain in-between would be wasted. If there is an interruption, again there is a risk of them not getting back to you. But what is the other option? If I don’t get that involved in the first place, I would not feel that extreme one pointed pleasure of mind too. Also I would not be giving my full involvement in the conversation and therefore it wouldn’t be as satisfying as it could be. I want to push things to the hilt in complete sine waves. But when I hit for a large wave, I am taking a big gamble. The risk is that before the wave completes it would get terminated. This behavior may have been created while playing computer games. There is a steep challenge and you got to complete it. The challenge is either time bound or related to exploration. I would sit with the challenge one pointedly till its finished or I get exhausted. Also, in studying for exams, I wait for the last minute because then I can sustain working at that high a level of energy and just get done with it. If I start much earlier then that level of energy is unsustainable. Its like you cannot run a marathon at your fastest speed, only a short sprint is possible.

While solving computer issues too, I would persist day and night and my mind would get completed fixated on solving that problem. When the problem does not get solved after repeatedly the force increases even more. This explains even my sprint running, desire to take up extreme short challenges, desire to perform short feats of strength. That explains why I like living in the extremes. Are my neurotransmitter levels wildly fluctuating? Do I intentionally indulge in that?

Maybe now the form that this obsession has taken is in elaborate complex integrated mental concepts and insights. This one pointedness works when searching for good material, seeking to understand, and explaining them to another person. The dissatisfaction is like imagine there is a math question paper with only 1 complicated question. You are excellent at solving it and you work full speed to complete it but just before you reach the final answer, time runs out and the paper is taken away. You get 0/100 since you did not get the final answer. Can you imagine the frustration?

OR imagine you are playing the last level of a computer game where you have to start from the 1st level each time you start the game. You painstakingly and patiently work through 17/18 levels in the game. When you are in the 18th level halfway, the power fails and now you have to start all over again once the power is back.