Self Inquiry

If I look at my life history impartially, there have been people who really enjoyed and liked my personality and there have been people who have been indifferent or abusive. But somehow I have a tendency to view myself as a person who is not liked much or accepted by people in general. Why do I identify with this image more? Does it truly reflect the actual reality? Why do I tend to choose to be alone rather than with people? Why do I choose hobbies that greatly lower the need for interaction with others? Afraid of rejection, abusive people, exploiters, predators, indifference, judgments – anything that dis-empowers my perception of myself? Am I attached to an image of grandiosity about myself? And only like people who continually validate that? Which is why self-absorbed people don’t interest me since they are all about themselves and nothing is coming out?

How are my values created? Out of all the experiences in my life what is the magnet of my personality that creates my perception and memory? Are the core qualities of the magnet formed in childhood or are they a function of previous lives too OR does it have no boundaries and simply an ever evolving manifestation of god? By definition, I am a person (Incomplete) and moving towards completeness and all-inclusivity. The interesting part is that even though my environment is completely different, I am still trying to work on my past projects with the hope that I would find some future situation where they would perfectly come in handy.
Why do I perceive the way I do? Why do I see the world the way I do? Why am I ‘ME’ and not someone else? Why am I even asking these questions at the moment? To think about them in future?
Why do I have such a deep need to be understood? Why am I not sure of my own truth and I am so badly seeking validation from other people for that? I think the reason for validation is to gain social power. But what power can stand in front of truth? Isn’t this illusory power? Am I looking for some ground to stand on and thinking the best way is to get people to fortify my beautiful thoughts so that beauty continues in my perception?
Among all my perceptions, why are only some registered as me? Isn’t ALL PERCEPTION = me? There is this imaginary giant filter through which I pass all perceptions and whatever passes through gets stored into memory too. My motivation is coming from this memory castle which attempts to advance in certain ideas, pointers, and directions in the infinite reality space. These motivations change with environment, but certain core aspects seem to be persistent giving the clear feeling of permanence or an essential self. What is this essence?

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