I always had this feeling that the act of sex itself was very ordinary. It’s the projection, imaginations, bio-chemicals that make the day and night difference. Maybe that’s why it’s called chemistry. Attraction is a mystery. What attracts me and how and when is it sustained? I am looking for some external magical object that will satisfy me supremely. It’s hard to even imagine what such an object will be because my imagination of this ideal object keeps changing all the time. However, in my past, I have had people with whom I was very comfortable and satisfied to a fairly high degree. They have appeared in certain situations and given me satisfying experiences which is why I am able to project right now.
All of these perceptions could change in the next moment or after some time/energetic movement/chemical changes etc. There is obviously some ideal concoction in reality that would evoke the most profound pleasure, insight, euphoria, joy, love, comfort that I can ever experience. This is the belief that makes me search for it/seek. This concoction would adjust itself and be perfectly tuned to my dynamic and give me exactly what I desire at every single moment.
The paradoxically disturbing and euphoric part is that EVERYTHING is changing. The same sex might feel excellent at some other time. I cannot predict besides let myself dissolve in this every changing soup. All my thinking happens in a backdrop. Observe this backdrop feeling, it is very vast and your whole thinking pattern is based on that background feeling. This backdrop keeps changing subtly throughout the day. How can I trust and rely on my thinking which is a function of this changing backdrop itself? The only constants I have are the consensus mental and physical reality which seems more stable in whichever civilized part of the world I go to.
Everything is a duality equation. Lack/Incompleteness in anything drives you to Fulfillment/Completeness. What you truly want at any time is specific to that moment and context. The context/backdrop keeps on changing. So your wants too will be different at each moment. Whatever formula I come up with for this moment is only for now, the current state. What a magnificently complex puzzle reality is!
If you feel there are things that will timelessly fulfill you, then there are powerful beliefs of lack running as an under-current in your perception. This could have been put into you by your parents, relatives, friends etc. Who told you to believe in XYZ? It’s an interesting question. Sometimes the beliefs are set in an entire paradigm with a few proving experiences. Then we keep validating that paradigm over a long period of time by continuously finding patterns of reality that validate that paradigm. So mega structures of paradigm beliefs get created. With reality being infinite, it provides powerful validations for all kinds of beliefs and paradigms. An experience is possible only through beliefs, projections etc. Without them there is no life. It’s a free infinite space which can validate any pattern you are seeking.
Do we have any control in this ride? Why did I have these thoughts now? It’s just flowing out of me. Conventionally I would say ‘I’ wrote all of this. But actually things are just warping and flowing in the present moment. If I have rock like disturbing structures in my beliefs, it increases the motivation of my energies to overcome them. If all my beliefs are light, then I just flow like air. Everything is ‘AS IT IS’ in its own way and a judgment is only if you lock yourself to a certain perspective paradigm. So maybe experience is only possible when you are an individual or a limited entity. Imagine a dream where you are everything at once, it might be equivalent to deep sleep, so we cannot really call it a dream. That’s why our REM experiences when we experience ourselves as a separate entity within our own dream.
All our life energies are locked in certain beliefs and in a specific configuration. Like they say, a fingernail can block the sun if it’s held close enough to your eye. As all of this is dropped, we will free those energies and get closer and closer to un-limitedness until we reach a paradoxical deep sleep like state where we are utterly free and yet fully awake.
In certain people, the adhesive quality of beliefs is lighter and this is increased when one encourages questioning everything. So the illusion is clearer and it’s both liberating and the groundlessness is frightening. It’s the mixture of pleasure of surprise/wonder and the fear of lack of control. Everything seems to come in a dual package with each dual affirming the other but they are both intrinsically one.