Huge mystical insight – On dnos, frequencies, vibration, matter, spirit, form

Radio: tuning(shakti) + volume/power(spirit)
Breath is the connection between heaven(Father)/shiva = [emanation(atzulith)] and [earth(Mother)/maya: creation(briah, yetzirah, assiyah)]
weed, ayahuasca = helper spirits.
Dark night of the soul (DNOS) = breakup between shiva(infinite emptiness) and shakti(finite creation).
That is why the grief.
Each life of an ego = A shiva shakti relationship. Each breakup is death.
It is a return to the empty formless and then a reinvesting of spirit in form in the next cycle.

Each person is God – when in his highest potential.
The highest that everybody actually is, is god.
High freq = realities of actual creation.
Low freq = only realities of experience, created by high freq.
The lower to the higher structural-relationship/connectors is the matrix.

Great deprivation ————————— Great delight [are duals]
Like lovers: …separating and unioning…separating and unioining… – it is a stylistic dance back and forth.

Imagine a gif of a banana growing and then rotting and disappearing, and then repeating the same.
This is like the breath of life&death.
And there are different breaths overlapping over each other and wavelengths.
The breath of the ‘body/earth form’ is only a smaller wave riding on the breath of the spirit which is the deeper larger wavelength wave.
The only way to really get rid of something is for it to die/disappear/total forgetting/vanishing. Which is like that banana disappearing.
OR I can imagine a time lapse breathing of a [appearance — child — growth — decay — disappear]
So DNOS is basically “death”.
But since I always had this “upper death drive” since childhood – the transcendence drive was already in motion before this birth for me.

Physical death is just like sleep, and rebirth is the waking of elementals.
Each wave sleeps and wakes in cycles.
And each wave is influenced by the energies of the higher/longer waves heavily.
Like an employee is influenced by the directors decisions and cycles.
Spirit can die without death of the body because they are 2 independent waves.
Living without spirit is like living from moonlight which will keep me barely alive and keep fading = depression, falling apart.
It is possible to accept the deprivation and make peace with it – and in that process one gets even more shiva(formless nature) too.

And as always, nothing is true, forget whatever I just said.
The only goal is to get the anti-knowledge to free the knowledge.
That is the only real progress.
Because in every step towards more emptiness, one is being revivified.
[just like one steps into deep sleep everyday for rejuvenation]
Because formless is infinite vibration and form is finite vibration.
One goes from: infinite —-> finite, when sleeping —–> waking up.
Breath is a much smaller cycle of that.

About weed:
Every weed experience is unique – and it “confirms a huge amount of emptiness” by its drastic change of consciousness.
So all altered states are confirmers of emptiness, a reassurance.
Most people in my experience now can never accept my state because it is inaccessible to them.
Infact my energy will be inaccessible to everybody, which is exactly why everybody is leaving me alone. I’m not a vibrational match.
That is why the journey back to shiva is to be done ALONE.
It is like breathing out, and more and more loss happens, but it is “desired loss” and a gain at a higher level.
But yet the structure undergoing loss itself suffers as it fades (like cells trying to survive by giving you pain when life is plugged out from them).

Vibration communicates with vibration.
My friends and parents will be able to sense I am moving higher up in vibration and leaving me alone.
Infact the vibration level determines the relationship.
What relationship you need to raise your vibration, that is what is naturally attracted.
The attraction will be the anti-knowledge for the knowledge I want to transcend.
Like I will look for the relationship that shows POTENTIAL (which is actually there too) to transcend my existing limitations.
Again there is shakti, shiva and SHIVA(note the caps).
SHIVA [shakti(creation, form, matter) + shiva(empty formless, spirit, intelligence)]
The less form you identify with, the more free you are to return to shiva.
To leave all contact with shakti is to leave all forces and return to awareness(shiva).
The reason nobody is interacting with me is because my freq has vacated their matrix frequency tunings.
Familiarity is when 2 people meet each other from the same freq matrix tribe.
The extent of familiarity = extent of union.
So me vacating society totally was a metaphysical action of withdrawal of investment, and resulting in those energies leaving my field.
So other people in the field tuned into society will not be attracted towards me.
Because only like attracts like in frequency.
When you are a certain frequency, you resonate with all of the others in that frequency.
In other words, your frequency is your world.

We say higher & lower etc. but actually there is no hierarchy, each is mutually creating the other.
High frequency is a joyous ecstatic shimmering/dazzling/changing world closer to the nature of spirit.
Low frequency is slow/heavy/dull/unchanging world closer to the nature of matter.
So we have: matter(low freq) ———————— spirit(high freq)
So then everything perfectly obeys frequency-laws of attraction.
Love is between beings of the same freq(unconscious love) or [a case of higher freq -> to lower freq](conscious love).
The bottom-line is freq match will attract 2 people, and then if they fight etc. it is the lower freq adjustment to the higher freq’s decision of love.
So all that you have in your reality is YOUR frequency field only.
Including more as yourself -> is to grow yourself into “form”.
Transcending/dis-identifying -> is to grow yourself into “emptiness”.
Love is the movement towards form/becoming.
Love = willingness to become.
Indifference/Dispassion is the movement towards spirit/unbecoming.
Hate = willingness to drop.
So inbreath = love, outbreath = hate.
LOVE(allowing){love(inbreath) + hate(outbreath).
One starts suffering the lower frequencies dissolution/agitation as one enters higher freq -> the higher freq has compassion/allowing towards the sufferings of the preservation instincts inside the lower freq objects.
All lower freq objects have a preservation encoded, so that preservation will be the part that will suffer when the form is being dissoluted/agitated to nothingness by the higher freq.
That is why all mortals oppose death = survival instinct, preservation instinct.
Every structure inherently resists its dissolution.

This is true for all structures. All structures resist their dissolution inherently.
So the price of leaving form into the higher freq -> is to witness the death after death of forms.
Similarly the entry of higher freq into the lower freq realms is the period of life/love -> the spirit infusion into form. The birth after birth of new forms.

Love is a higher freq influx/INVESTMENT in a lower freq.
Greater your “towards the higher freq” wave movement, more will be the suffering/deaths of the lower freq objects because you are rapidly moving towards formless emptiness in the out-breath.
The higher freq investing and fusing into lower freq structures is the LIFE -> MATTER relationship [Just like electricity infuses into your laptop and powers it into life].
Life = Higher freq, Matter = lower freq
The relationship between [Life, Matter] is LIFE.
LIFE[Life, Matter (relationship, pendulum swing)].
Here in the equation above, to go towards life is death, to go towards matter is life.
That is the reverse of how we think of it in practice.
Similarly, greater your movement from high freq towards lower freq, greater is your love/investment in development/cultivation of form, more will be the experience of gain, more form – these forms are maintained and upheld by your higher freq energy.
Without higher freq energy, all forms die.
That is why all of creation is love, forms need the love of the higher freq subject to thrive.
Because the minute you stop loving, the creation disappears.

Another interesting thing I want to comment on is about the divine stoned stare of an infant.
The infant is literally looking at you from the worlds of higher spirit and gradually descending into form/structure as it grows up.
When you look into an infant’s eyes, you are seeing spirit from the higher worlds.

Love = Life, No-Love/absence of love/hate = Death.
The force that brings closer/welcomes = love.
The force that pushes away/repels = hate.
So breathing out is the loss of love, an automatic renunciation/automatic process.
Nobody CAN DO renunciation, it has to just happen, like sleep/death just happens.

Everything is perfect, it is our ignorance that prevents us from seeing this.
The way out of the game of “white must win and obliterate black”, is to fully understand the function of black as a relationship to the white, and how both are needed (and how both together add to the riches of creation).
As my freq gets higher and higher, more and more reality will disappear.
Even my parents will talk to me less and less.
That is why while dying, we always feel our parents are abandoning us.
Because they are the closest to the core structure, in a true sense they created it.
That is why we go mommy mommy at our last moments.
The mom creates the world – an ego world – as a relationship to the world of form.
So ego = A structure of relationship with the [world, other humans and animals].
The ego is, Relationship betn Higher freq(spirit) -> lower freq(world).
So a spirit chooses a roller coaster and goes into it from a particular pov.
At that level of choosing, it is all equally meaningful = because “all essences are present, only the degree varies”.

Nothing is ever wasted, no experience ever goes waste, the one who hears is always present as awareness.
The highest freq(God) benefits from each and every experience which is why it exists.
As I go higher and higher in freq, I will vacate and lose interest in more and more low freq things, including relationships, and also have more and more access to divine wisdom, which is my own higher freq wisdom.
In my ayahuasca experience, I met a higher freq being. I could SEE him fully, but my center of gravity of experience was loaded and way lower than his.
Like 2 clone 10 story buildings.
One guy on the 7th floor, another guy on the 4th floor.
They both can see each other fully but from different povs, different center of gravity.
But both have the same cloned building.

It doesn’t feel like entry into the formless is revitalizing me, but actually it is.
All departure of form = pain, there is an inherent clinging/suffering associated with the self-preservation instinct in each form.
So even when spirit vacates, the forms shine like moons and slowly fade out as they use up their stored spirit fragments.
The cycle of: Grief Love
When spirit vacates the ego, the ego first becomes a moon, because the sun contact is lost, then the moon slowly dulls out and vanishes – which is the journey into the formless/darkness.

Spirit influx = True power.
Spirit deflux = True disempowerment.
But this is from the perspective of the form.
From the perspective of the subject:
True power = True investment into form.
True disempowerment = True return to one’s nature.
So all the negative terms are from the perspective of the dying object (form(mental, physical), ego form etc.).
The dying object feels all those emotions from its pov.
But from the perspective of the subject – it has voluntarily dis-empowered i.e. withdrawn power from the object back into itself(back into formless).
A subject returning to its nature/spirit = death of creation and the object world matrix (addition of objects and relationships)
A subject investing into form/matter/creation/maya = birth of creation and birth of the object world matrix.

The ayahuasca world was far closer to the death/spirit world, which is why my form went into terror from the disharmony/disturbance caused by the higher freq of ayahuasca.
To give into a higher freq entity to do you, is a pure act of trust, because you cannot see the higher freq entity, only it can see you, like ayahuasca can see me fully, but I can only see a slit of ayahuasca that it reveals to me in my field.
When I can handle the higher freq of aya, then I have attained equivalence of freq-form or an even higher freq that it.
Ordinary people avoid psychedelics, because their frequency is not up enough for the task, so they instinctively stay away from consciousness altering substances.
Only people who are moving towards spirit (upper death drive) seek psychedelics.

I think aya is also an intelligence, so it gives us as much as you can allow only. The free-will is respected.
I took a lot of aya into me because my freq I felt was higher compared to most others in that room – also it was based on my intention and phase of spirit-breath(influx or deflux(dnos)), that is I was strongly in my return wave accelerating towards formless.
Ofcourse aya has its rules and if I have done a lot of low freq eating, then that portion of my body form cannot withstand aya and will suffer under aya. Maybe this is the reason for the sattvic plant diet expectation?
Lower freq structures suffer under higher frequency entities, because it is like how a leaf cannot withstand fire.

At this stage, I cannot stand by what I teach, because I am moving upward and I will soon vacate the form.
That is why I communicate and write a lot.
Also lower freq forms fly by quickly on higher freq power, it is like writing on sand or water, all is refreshed quickly.
So if you find yourself unable to retain insight, then you are transcending insight itself.
Insight will be your ceiling if you are in a lower freq.
But if you are in a higher freq than insight, then insight will be an appearance.
Whatever is a ceiling (fossilization) to a lower freq IS an APPEARANCE for a higher freq being.
That is why whatever is permanent for my parents serves as a ceiling for them, but for me it is only one kind of appearance in higher freq reality, which has many many more such forms and wonders.
Me trying to fix others is a false ego attachment.
The whole ego is an illusion, so all such connections are present in the illusion.
It doesn’t really matter what those connections are actually – whether you hate something or you are attached to it.
What matters is the frequency.
It is like many different kinds of video games present in a frequency.
The pain is maximum(depending on how many lower freq objects you have in awareness) when the freq is the most high, so pain is not a symptom of lower freq, on the contrary constant suffering and pain is a symptom of YOUR frequency being higher than the object attachment you are trying to maintain.

Society too is a giant video game spanning across frequencies.
From a higher frequency, society is an appearance.
From a lower frequency, society is the ceiling and truth.

But one could have their gaze downward or upward.
Downward towards form, more enmeshment with form.
Upward towards formless, more detachment from form.
Creativity, Abstractness(gestalts) = clear sign of higher frequency.
More the creativity = higher the frequency.
When a person is moving downward towards form = his expresses more and more of his creativity in form.
When a person is moving upwards = his creativity vacates form – becomes less and less form and more and more abstract.
more becoming(downward to form)————more unbecoming(upward to spirit)
more possession, acquisition ———————more dispossession, renunciation
Each attachment and reality that I have at the moment now, represents strong core attachments because most of the outer band rings have already been voided in my spirit journey.
I am so thirsty/hungry/longing for spirit, the high vibration formless.
Higher the freq = Higher the energy/higher the freedom
Lower the freq = Lower the freedom
So if a person is craving freedom in its pure form all the time -> he is in a very high freq and longing to return.
Losing you higher nature = is the GREATEST loss.
And gaining your higher nature = is the GREATEST gain.
That is the true loss and gain of outbreath and inbreath.

Also “loss and gain” from one perspective is the “gain and loss” from the opposite perspective.
From the perspective of form we have as objects = loss and gain.
The same loss & gain from the perspective of spirit will be = gain and loss.
You gain spirit as you lose form.
You gain form as you lose spirit.

Our body runs through through the 7 worlds frequency bands.
More crystallization/fossilization of body structures would be less spirit, more form.
Less crystallization/fossilization of body structures would be more spirit, less form.
Remember the breath of spirit in and out represents = movement to form(creates successive fossilizations/structures/forms at each of the 7 layers)
And movement to spirit (creates dissolution of already present structures at each of the 7 layers).

Spirit = Feminine……..Form = Masculine?? – model 1
(conventional world view, men work on things, women work on people)
(men’s voice pitch is lower freq and women’s is higher freq)
(men have a more defined form, while a woman is more smooth and curved/more formless)
Spirit = Masculine(shiva)…….Form = Feminine(shakti)?? – model 2 (shiva shakti model/paradigm)
They arise from 2 different models.
Weed is a lower freq than my awareness, that is how I can clearly perceive the weed spirit and its messages, it is an appearance.

RULE: “Whenever anything is an appearance, your freq is higher than that by defn.”
Because to see anything needs you to be “FINER” than the object (grosser) that you are seeing.
If your field is grosser you would not even perceive the finer object.
Like using a 640×480 picture vs. HD picture.
The HD picture can fully see the 640×480 picture.
But not vice versa.
The 640×480 pic will only see a partial version of the HD picture.
Everything is ruled by higher geometry structures and higher frequency interactions.
The subject is always the highest frequency.
To access the highest frequency, go closest to the subject in your experience.
The conscious agent is an a much higher freq than the objects it apprehends.
Like terrence M. said – “The phenomenon of LIFE is the protrusion of matter structure as a instrument from higher frequency beings.”
Me and a service oriented higher frequency being can meet, but we are fundamentally moving in opposite directions.
Because the higher freq being is going downward from his position (higher freq -> towards lower freq form (which is the call to service))
Whereas I am moving upward towards spirit (call to transcendence).
Because his eyes were on me/service. My eyes were on God.
To be of service(is to invest in form) ——————— To decathect oneself(is to invest in spirit).
The movement towards transcendence is for the service of love.
That is akin to saying, the pendulum is moving left, so that it gets enough energy to move right.
So the pendulum moves between:
Transcendence(spirit/subtle energies) —–transcendencelove—- Form(matter/form/grosser energies)
Transcendence movement or moving towards god/spirit actually takes a person more and more away from form, he decathects, disinvests, dispassions towards form.

So a person seeking transcendence will appear to have the opposite movement as what is considered love/inclusion.
It is important to note here when we use the word love, are we talking about “love of spirit” or “love of form”??
Those 2 are different directions and sort of antithetical to each other.
Love of spirit is the desire to die (upper death drive). This looks like the opposite of love.
Love of form is the desire to invest in form (what is conventionally referred to as love).

Vulture = de-structures form, Eagle = transcends form.
The eagle can use the vulture’s help to transcend form because the vulture will de-construct it, speeding up the dissolution of the form/structures like a scavenger eating dying animals.
I have sought such vultures, vampires in my journey -> I willingly sought them to empty my pool/band of grosser forms and energies.
So one may willingly seek destructive forces depending on one’s desire.
The same forces causing your ego death -> eating you alive -> are devils from the perspective of the dying ego, but angels from the perspective of liberation (because they are speeding up and helping the dissolution of your form and releasing the fragments of spirit trapped in the form back to spirit, and without spirit the form dissolutes.)

So when I say I want spirit, I am basically saying I want the formless or no-thing.
So then absolutely no thing will satisfy by definition.
That dissatisfaction of everything – totality, itself conveys your desire to you – that you want the formless no-thing.
Moving to the formless nothing requires withdrawing spirit from all the cathected objects.
This is the witnessing of death of forms/creation I was talking about.
The final gift you get after the transcendence reaches its peak is no-thing, the formless :D.
That is actually the state of highest vibration, the vibration is so high, that no form can survive without getting scorched.
Just like a piece of leaf cannot survive a fire.
So if you are reaching a time in your life, when all forms are disappearing, you are living more and more in emptiness, means your frequency is rising higher and higher towards the formless.
A weed/lsd/shroom/aya experience takes you much closer to the formless.

Transformation Process, Ego, Humiliation

Old-age with its steadily declining function, and being made to live through your gradual step-by-step disappearance is one of the worst humiliations from the position of a “functional ego”.
Even in my ordinary life now, I kind of feel I am serving a sentence (prison time).
Limitation is prison time from the POSITION: Freedom.
So your current reality will be heaven or horrible depending on the position you take.
A position is your identified point of view(pov).
If your POSITION: Safety, then freedom is a threat.
If you POSITION: Freedom, then safety is an imprisonment.
And these things may or may not be in your control.
Any control is an appearance too.
Control is present when there is greater spirit power and energy, whose influx or departure is beyond your control.
Without adequate spirit energy, your experience would descend into chaos where structures would operate from stored spirit energy without a central ruler.
[Like imagine suddenly the power grid was down, and all the buildings are relying on their generators for energy OR imagine suddenly there is an eclipse and all the living beings are using up their stored energies to survive. It is basically a situation of being cut off from the source in simplest terms.]

The higher-frames higher-energies organize the smaller-frames smaller-energies.
Like a great king ruling over 1000s of people.
When the king falls, the people will just war among themselves, or collude, form factions, and so on.
Basically the central harmonizing force is lost, sending the units into chaos.
The dark night of the soul(dnos) is precisely that.
The plugging off of power from the king/ego, removes the centralizing force of identity vibration.
There-after there is no coherencing and moving-forward power.
The situation becomes something like Egypt.
Eventually the whole structure dies and dissolves.
It is similar to how a physical body dies.
When there is enough prana in the physical body, it has an immune system that resists all threats.
But when the prana goes lower and lower, one gets more and more diseased.
Until the point where prana is so low, the scavengers just finish you off and bring you to nothing.
Where do you go once your gone? You return to your larger nature.

So I guess the DNOS starts, with the de-plugging of your ego from source power -> and then what follows is the death of prana to that structure, so the ego slides into more and more impotent and loses all power.
In the case of DNOS, it is not physical, the physical body continues to run somewhat ok on the earth cycles.
Though without the ego(or more and more of its diminishment), the body feels more like an automaton structure that simply keeps maintaining itself like a program.
From the pov of consciousness, death of the ego is freedom, release, liberation.
From the pov of the ego, it is all the dread, despair, crying for mercy associated with death. It is the worst humiliation.
Generally – debilitation, fatigue, tiredness, weariness, sickness, old age, death, disease -> all of them severely humiliate the ego.
They convey the vulnerability, helplessness and dependency of the ego on forces entirely beyond its control.

Also when a structure is infused with spirit, it becomes transparent to itself.
Only when spirit is withdrawn, does one feel pain, which is the structure struggling and trying to maintain itself – the dying process.
So one is painfully made aware of the structure from spirit withdrawal – because every structure fights to survive and has a crisis/suffering.
Just like the vanishing of a king, brings CRISIS to everyone, because they have lost their broader structure and context.
Pain is the lack of love. (Love = upholding energy).
Less the love, more the pain.
One can reduce their consciousness more and more and repress this pain, which is what creates the numb, lost, and flat feeling.
Once existence/reality has pulled the plug out of your king/ego/identity, you are in chaos.
Now a lot of games simply fall away, hopes disappear, dreams become impossible, like supposing the king had made many promises, and had great plans of alliances with other kings and so on – ALL OF THAT IS GONE, when the king is gone.
Suddenly, there is just grief and a regression to a state of simply trying to survive, and some memories of nostalgia about the old times which also rapidly fade from the loss of power.

The meaning of life is illuminated by death, and the meaning of death is illuminated by life.
A reorganization of an entire system is a transformation -> the old king falls, transformation happens, there is a merger of territories(lost parts, shadows, repressed portions and so on), and a greater new king is born.
From the pov of egoic agents, we are at the mercy of god at all times.
From the pov of god, our being egoic agents is only an appearance for its pleasure.

Rejection/ignoring my own hate potentials

When hate enters consciousness, I am left in a dilemma.
Like say there is an object X{a,b,c}, and I enjoy the whole object.
But suppose someone says ‘b quality of Object X sucks’.
Then instantly, I feel his hate, his hate of ‘b’, it mirrors in my consciousness too, which means I have that quality/potential too.
Then immediately I get into that frozen dilemma whether to get rid of ‘b’ or let it stay/let go.
The part of me that cares about my well-being wants me to put boundaries, but the part of me that wants to transcend and be whole wants to remove all boundaries.
So there is always a war between the part of me that wants to enhance my self, and the death drive part of me that wants to transform/transcend and be the whole.
My whole life has been a lot about unwanted perceptual visitors who come and leave as they please – and whenever they come, I have this war between those dual motivations causing profound ambivalence, confusion, stuckness/frozenness about what to do, and stress.
Because of having porous ego boundaries, I was always subjected to intrusions from the outside which would compromise my structural integrity.
So in a sense I was always diseased (dis-eased).
Generally a psychologist or a healer would tell me – you are an empath, so you need to strengthen your boundaries.
I am totally aware of that and have read vast amounts of literature about that too.
But apart from the part of me that wants structural integrity, the deeper part of me wants to die into the whole (what they call the upper death drive – desire to end the ego/self).
And this upper death drive is absolutely unreasonable, and operates irrespective of the actions of all the other forces in me.
It hates boundaries and limitation, and is willing to give into dying in order to transcend.

Mechanism of hate:
The hate enters in my space from the spew of family or friends -> constantly or randomly but I know it is coming -> So even when it is not there, I brace myself for it.
I constantly live in fear as a result.
Once they actually utter the hate words, then it really enters -> now my perception is marred.
Again I am stuck as to what to do.
Basically I feel powerless to get rid of it and assert my original view because that much of EGOIC WILL POWER and CONTROL is absent for me (porous weak ego structure and boundaries).
So I am stuck with a negative emotion, and fighting it is not possible because it will be a real struggle and since I do not have the power, resistance would be futile too.
But if I just leave it then a part of me constantly suffers it as long as it is present.
It is like having a low psychological immune system with porous boundaries.
Pathogens, viruses, bacteria can easily infect the system, and then I either let the infection eat me up, or fight it without much effect.
And most of the time, these infecting agents leave me on their own accord.
But I am sort of helpless to them.
Another major point is that, these agents are not external.
They are MY potentials triggered by other’s emotional charge towards things.
So my unconscious machinery releases this hate/rejection energy, the energies that I try to keep walled away and hide from. I avoid them by not facing hardcore social interaction and living more like a hermit.
Because I sense solid negativity in everybody.
But then I realized, there is also solid negativity in me.
Because their negativity triggers mine.
In fact from a non-dual view, it is MY negativity only.
I am not able to avoid or push away the shadow.
The shadow is devouring me and will end all of me.
I try my best to face it, but endless stuff keeps coming up and greatly diminishes my will, well-being and even survival.
It is basically all the stuff I ignored, and I have to let all that stuff destroy me now into the worst possible chaos(which is death).
Only then can I operate as a whole again.
My wish is to die into the whole, then be reborn AS the whole.

LIFE as a bell curve

I see LIFE as a bell curve where:
left half = life
right half = death


LIFE is the same as breath in principle.
With an inbreath half-curve, outbreath half-curve, and a peak.
The curve is basically [interest seeking fervor] and then [surrender relaxation letting go].
The cycle of life is like a game.
Initially there is so much interest to become more and more till a peak is reached.
And then from there on it is all about relaxing back just like the out-breath.
The mysterious question to ponder on is, what is it that benefits from the life and death cycle?
It is pondering on what is the “Subject” of this whole experience of LIFE.

The society/culture/beliefs/conditioning etc. are dead corpses from the past we carry and maintain.
How much ‘in line’ are these structures with life determines the degree of suffering.
Like the belief in perennial progress makes one suffer in the out-breath period, because that belief says, you must breath-in forever which becomes suffocating.
Similarly all anti-death beliefs, that we must survive and thrive and fight at all costs, creates a continuous fight in the entire out-breath period.
If you worship the night -> the day is scary/resisted.
If you worship the day -> the night is scary/resisted.
One must worship both the day and night, the in-breath and out-breath, it is their cycle that [fills and empties] OR [uses and renews].
Why do we oppose this natural desire/urge/force to let go? – because we believe we must not, because everyone else shames and fears that?

I see the only way out of this struggle is UNDERSTANDING.
To understand the nature of life from a sincere thorough fresh examination of one’s own experience.
This takes one closer and closer to the subject and frees one from this partial understanding and thereby ends all suffering caused by the wrong view/perspective.
As Buddha rightly said, “ignorance” is the cause of suffering.

Life and Death, Desire and Fear

Fear = To catch-up/make up the deficit = making up for loss
Desire = expansion = gain


Reminds me of the concept in Kabbalah of emptying your kli/vessel.
The emptying process is death -> emptying, passing -> descending
The filling process is life -> filling, arising -> ascending
When identity is a ‘partial filling’ (a something) -> then the extent of that something will determine how much there is to die.
[Fear] and [Positive Anticipation] are both moods – Fear is the mood of death, positive anticipation is the mood of life.
Now the important part here is that, gain and loss are simultaneous forces.
So these moods coexist, and oscillate between each other.
Life is when gain is greater than loss – creating the predominant mood of positive anticipation
Death is when loss is greater than gain – creating the predominant mood of fear
Life and death are both simultaneous forces.
They simply play with each other like day and night.
Darkness hides behind the light, and light hides behind the darkness.
Life and death are not linear processes that follow one after the other, like a sine wave.
They are more like this:


The central column which is formless non-dual, breathes in and out a dream of duality into existence.
And to the extent there is life there is also the fear of death.
They are inseparable opposites.
In a sense life and death are not 2 different things, they are one and the same thing like the poles of the same ‘magnet’.
What can we call this magnet that encompasses both life and death? – dharma/reality maybe?

In order to see daylight, you need to hold the implicit night in your perception.
And in order to see the dark, you need to hold the implicit daylight in your perception.
Similarly, one knows what life is only because there is death.
And one knows what death is only because there is life.

Are creative and destructive forces symmetric?

Initially, I figured that, creative and destructive forces are not symmetric.
The reasoning was that, I saw creative forces as anti-entropic, and destructive forces as entropic.
With that definition, definitely, the creative forces win over the destructive forces.
Because if the destructive forces won, we would not have anything, we would have ‘nothing’, we would not even have the ‘something’ you see all around you.
If the creative forces won, suppose, then we would have ‘everything’ and nothing would ever be lost or destroyed.
From this reasoning, it followed that, life/love is winning over death/loss, that is why all the creation(something) around you even exists.
Another way, to look at is that existence(life) wins over non-existence(death).

But then, this reasoning though it makes sense logically, I always intuitively felt something was off.
Because, by the law of duality everything is bipolar, and therefore creation and destruction would have to be symmetric.
So for a long time I was unable to reconcile the law of duality and the conclusion I had logically come to that anti-entropy is winning over entropy or creation is winning over destruction.

Today, I had this insight that gave me much more clarity and a new perspective.
The logical conclusion I had come to was based on IMAGES of “Nothing” and “Everything” – which were all abstract concepts.
But then I dropped all these images, and looked at actual experience.
I saw that all that there was, was flow/change.
(Note: Even flow/change are concepts but concepts that are closer to our experiential reality)
So imagine a flow:
(infinity)…1 -> 2 -> 3 -> 4 -> 5 -> 6…(infinity)
From this flow perspective, there is creation and destruction at every moment.
The concept of symmetry does not even arise here, because there is only ONE SPACE in which all is happening.
So creation and destruction are simultaneous and total at each moment.
It is not half creation and half destruction.
At every moment there is simultaneous 100% (total) creation and 100% (total) destruction.
For instance, in the flow shown above, when 1 changes to 2, seen from the point of view facing 1, 1 disappears and dies, seen from the point of view facing 2, the new is born. But both happen simultaneously and are 1 event.

Later I realized, that the previous understanding was 4-D based.
I can take this even further to the 5th dimension, to the level of understanding where we can realize entire timelines are spawned and changed in the NOW.
We are the NOW(5-D), dreaming multiple timelines in the NOW.
To visualize this, it is like:
NOW … –Timeline1———Timeline2——–Timeline3— … NOW
And if I zoom into Timeline1, we would get back our 4-D spectrum:
(infinity)…1 -> 2 -> 3 -> 4 -> 5 -> 6…(infinity)