The unbecoming of the false

Its a collapse of structure.
I cannot become anything.
I cannot learn anything.
In fact my movement direction is towards dissolving whatever I had become.
I cannot invest in anything.
Instead I’m divested of everything.
I cannot direct energy and accumulate/build/learn/grow/increase/add anything because the investment energy is not there.
Its like surrendering the river of personal investments more and more into the ocean of god’s natural flow of investments.
Its like losing more and more interest in the sport you are playing resulting in the mind dropping all the structures that uphold and forward your learning of the sport.
Its like losing love energy with upholds/maintains all the structures of existence and furthers them.
Its like the “false” falling and dissolving/dying into the “true”.
It is the chaos of cathexis – i.e. a cathexis that loses its form/structure and sinks into a sort of chaos, creating the feeling of a dream.
The vacuum in you that dissolves all accumulations is empowered.
All accumulations remain until they are SEEN, PROCESSED, and LET GO, including this body accumulation.
It is a demagnetization.
Magnetization causes accumulation, becoming, learning, growing.
De-magnetization causes dropping, unbecoming, unlearning, shrinking.
It is sinking into entropy, when the whole world is moving towards anti-entropy.
The struggle is to somehow push yourself to maintain enough anti-entropy to survive.
It is the loss of the false accompanied by a mild terror that comes up from the remaining false, which faces the oppressive forces of truth dissolving it.
It is ultimately an optimization and falling into “what is”, and whatever false needs to be removed is dissolved in the ocean of truth.
The expectations of the world are of endless growth, perpetual progress.
So this backward movement of me falling into the infinite, is in exact contrast to the expectation movement of the world.
The falling into the dynamic ground sends the personal cathexis/energies into chaos.
So now a bunch of information just flows in my experience, and I accumulate and create just enough as demanded by the expectations around me.
My vacuum like movement [to surrender] is in opposition to the implicit expectations of the world [to become].
I lost “all belief” in “all becoming”.
All I want to do is seek insight to un-become and get back my true nature and freedom.
I cannot pick up any goals and materialize them, be it mine, or other’s goals such as work etc.
So the bane of my existence tends to be others’ expectations which are moving farther and farther away from my own cathexis which is based to reach higher and higher insight and letting go/dissolution.
This is unbecoming, but the expectation is for becoming.
That opposite movement is what causes more and more tension.
The FEAR of not fulfilling expectation (to maintain security) still exists and that creates the weak cathexis for becoming/doing/investing just enough to get by.
So achievement of security/protection is the ultimate aim behind all fear.
All fear is designed to protect me.
Once the pointlessness of all endeavor is seen, then egoic love/investment stops being a driving force. Its like the army has stopped all offense and moved to pure defense at this stage. All they are trying to achieve is to stand where they are, status quo.
Only fear/protective forces are left and they get weaker and weaker too in their ability to generate fear, because the ‘self’ to protect gets smaller and smaller (with more and more dissolution) and that smaller self cannot raise much of an army to do anything. Its like more and more soldiers are surrendering and only the last few are left.
So this is close to the end of my former world.
Once I totally surrender, only the God force shall move me.

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