Transcending the co-dependent – manipulator spectrum

Co-dependents use other’s emotional reactions as a guage for what they should and should not do.
And this is what creates an issue for them, when it comes to their contact with emotional manipulators.
The approval, disapproval, acceptance, rejection, anger, hatred, love of the manipulator starts to control the co-dependent which he RESENTS.
So the co-dependent keeps trying to convince the emotional manipulator to ‘approve’ the sides that he/she hates/is angry about/disapproves, to get out of his prison. But this becomes another prison for him, about not only being a prisoner to the emotional manipulator but also getting into another inner prison based on all the effort directed towards convincing the manipulator to withdraw his disapproval and change it to approval.
Now the emotional manipulator (is also deluded, because he thinks his well being depends on controlling the other, which is not true), will not want to approve of the aspects he disapproves because then, he would lose his well-being by withdrawing his control.
So they both continue in an endless dance – the narcissist (controller) and the co-dependent (controller of the controller). But seen from another level – they both are helplessly caught in it. The narcissist cannot help controlling and the co-dependent cannot help getting controlled.
The interesting part is that, this dance can happen even between 2 co-dependents creating an endless feedback loop:
1 interprets 2 as controller, and then starts to control 2.
Now 2 sees 1 as controlling, and then tries to control the controller, therefore control 1 (i.e. trying to stop 1 from controlling)
Again 1 sees 2 as controlling 1 (by controlling to stop 1 from controlling) and again controls 2
And so on….which can get very painful after a while.
Ok then the question is, what is the alternative, what is the way out, how can this be transcended vs. moving from one side of the dysfunction to another.
The cure for a co-dependent is not to become a manipulator.
The cure for the manipulator is not to become a codependent.
The cure is something that transcends the whole spectrum and to extricate well-being from both controlling and submission.
Well-being has to be basically EXTRICATED from both ‘controlling’ and ‘controlling the controller’:
For the MANIPULATOR, the well-being function is:
WellBeing(no. of people you control, extent of control)
{We want to control others to feel good}
For the co-dependent the function is:
WellBeing(seek meaning in life from emotional manipulator, control him passively so that he wants you to be the way you want to be)
{We want to control the controllers to feel good}
The ‘Feeling good’ has nothing to do with controlling others, or controlling the controllers.
Both these functions are to be removed from one’s personality program and well-being needs to be freed from controlling.

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