I have a strange avoidant relationship with culture itself, because I feel its imposed.
Cultural models OR Religious models != (not equal to notation) The world, as used colloquially.
The world used in common speech basically refers to our conceptualization of it.
This conceptualization is stemming from poverty of imagination.
I am constantly in search on new possibilities, conceptualizations of the world but I see such a poverty of it atleast in whatever I can find in Google.
I do not want to submit to any model as the truth, because I can clearly see alternatives in each case.
I want to make the ultimate assertion of my self and categorically prove to myself that it is beyond all of this, and simply transcendent and infinite. I want to be utterly beyond all of this which is what drives my quest with a rocket engine. It is the ‘What the heck’ feeling, haha.
I feel like I have to struggle to maintain contact with my higher imagination and higher sensibilities. Life seems to drag me along in such a way, that I would lose all of that to the bourgeois. Should I just let all that wonderful stuff go? and resign myself to this life of entrepreneurship/employment (both look more or less the same to me from my standpoint).
In fact the interesting fact about depression is that, it is possible only in contrast to wonderful times.
When I can imagine wonderful things, then the contrast of that imagination with what is there in reality is precisely what makes me depressed.
Poverty of imagination and soul is sometimes a good thing, it makes the person accept everything happily because he cannot think of anything better.
I went to US to live in another culture. In some ways, I was removed from a lot of Indian stuff, it gave me fresh perspectives, insights, explorations. That was the honeymoon period in US (Seattle). Now, in US, again I feel trapped there. In fact now I’ve lost faith that I can move to another culture and escape.
Its like you study history, you want a radical change so you move to geography, but then you realize its all SSC board. Imagine there is no way to step out of this SSC board syllabus. Now you read about CBSE ICSC and realize even all of those are mostly similar. Then you go even further and read about upcoming initiatives like democratic education. But even that stops satisfying your curiosity and then you want something even more radical and breakthrough. You may find some hopeful stuff on the internet, but it would mostly be just on paper as an elusive concept.
What I seek fundamentally is – RADICAL STUFF and BREAKTHROUGHs, I want to slice the fabric of existence and transcend it. The hunger is great and consumes me.
The more I study the world, the more limited I find it and it gets progressively more difficult to find something more radical. I do want anything to be imposed on me. The world (concept) seems to be a poverty of imagination, a strange world of limitation. I cannot submit my higher flowering moving advanced sensibilities to this limited conception of the world present in all cultural, religious models.
All the models are so limited. When someone says be like this, you have to be like this, there is no way out, submit to this, that is when I get most energy to refute them or find an escape.
Escaping limitedness, limitations has been the theme of my life. I escape into various kinds of alternative models to what is currently there. I feel like I am in the country of the blind, the plato’s cave. I cannot excel in the cave dwellers games, because damn, I totally cannot believe in them. Real life according to me is far vaster, can be far better, can be far more beautiful than this.
Witnessing all of this creates potential energy in me, to reconceptualize, push, reimagine, play with models, meta-models, meta-meta-models and move into psychedelic worlds of possibility.
Ultimately I have realized, the problem is freeing my own imagination. Nothing needs to change except me transcending all my limitations and fears. The task ahead of me seems like a mountain, but I have this subtle light at a distance (analogy) that always orients me and I move steadfastly on the path towards that. I WILL GET THERE AT ANY COST! 🙂