Reflection on what reality is not – 21 Sept

Whatever I’ve read, all the accumulation of information, knowledge is suddenly lost when talking in-depth topics to family, or in heated debate with people. If something is real, how can it just disappear like that? It’s probably because its all part of memory and when your whole working memory is filled with something else, you have a totally different experience and you HDD contents no longer matter. This is exactly what happens after watching movies too. The altered consciousness is because of the altered contents of working memory. So its the whole game of convincing anyone: Why is it so hard if I really have the truth with me? Why is that not sticking to me? Everything, EVERYTHING! seems to be fickle, shaky, changing and carries the possibility of falling away. I seem to be vulnerable of influence almost anytime even for great truths.

It’s as if with great difficulty I extricate myself from the gravity of earth and move to Mars, but on contact with earth again it pulls me back in. Once again I put put EFFORT in disabusing myself of the narrow beliefs into the larger spaces. I seem to be attached to the larger spaces and heights of perception. I am quite confused about what to do. Should I dissociate myself from all contact with the narrow to avoid getting sucked back into that limited thought process? Would that just be avoidance again? This does not seem to be in line with either effortlessness not fearlessness. It almost seems like there is an extremely tall mountain of enlightenment and I have climbed halfway but I need to overcome attachment to it. This is in line with the scripture too about “Seeing oceans of bliss and miraculous states of being, wonder, beauty, joy, ecstasy” but even that has to be let go of.” It seems like the only thing real is the common denominator for all experience. What is that? Just a sense of bare existence. Probably even that falls away in the void. So if I get grounded in the VOID and totally see that I have no identity, then what I would be is unimaginable, but that would be the operating point for infinite freedom. But that seems to have nothing to do with miraculous, wondrous states. Enlightenment doesn’t seem to have anything to do with changing anything. It does not remove anything – suffering, pain, struggle, discomfort, resistance. When the knowledge is there, you feel the bliss/rapture. But what’s the guarantee that the knowledge will stay with me. It’s after all impinging on memory which is ever so fickle and dynamic. Another saying that strikes me here as very close to the ultimate experience is that “If a phenomena had a beginning in time, its not real” and everything I possibly know had a beginning in time in my cognition. So none of that can be real including all of my accumulation, knowledge and exploration. Am I looking in the wrong direction totally? How do I get closer to understanding what is truly real? Is this a stage in my evolutionary process OR is the process about understanding that there was never such a thing called liberation and enlightenment and there is nothing to get liberated from?

What is the notion of self-actualization? Is it for the dreamed self which is not even real? What about all my desires? The seeking energies in me? Are they all just dream goals? I cannot even hold on to the concept of everything being a dream because even that has a beginning in time and can pass away and return anytime. How can any verbal thought be real? It obviously has a beginning in time because you can see that you think yourself into that state. I can see now that this whole notion of there being this ‘world’, notion of ‘I’ that has desires to experience x,y,z is all just beliefs in self-reinforcing loops.

The satisfaction from all the videos I watch is derived from my intense curiosity (desire) to know what is actually knowledge, substantial, real etc. I keep calling myself a dream object in a dream created by dreamed beliefs. But what if there is nothing apart from this dream to wake up to? OR what if what I am is all the appearances (objects in my experience) and there is nothing apart from that? How can I trivialize a dream or an illusion if all of reality is made up of that? Who is writing all of this? It’s another desire inside me to kind of lay out my thoughts and understand. But even this has a beginning in time and cannot be real?
Who is making my experiences move/change? I cannot say that ‘I’ have no control, because the ‘I’ itself is imagined including the notion of ‘control’, notion of ‘having’ and the notion that ‘I do not have it’.

It is incorrect to say that ‘There is nobody doing it’ too. Because duality gets instantly stamped on anything I say/write/think in language.
The actual reality transcends language, space, time, thought and all phenomena (appearances).

Higher Rules:
– There is no self or other.
– There can be no contradictions. Contradictions indicate there is some belief.
– There is no doer. The doer itself is being done.
– Any phenomenon/perception that has a beginning in time is not real
– No verbal thought can be real.
– Reality transcends language, space, time, thought and all phenomena (appearances).
– Time and space are imagined into being.
– There is nowhere to go, nothing to do.
– Everything ‘is’
– All ‘effort’ implies effort from the dreamed self which would not lead to getting closer to reality. It would just be cultivation.
– Everything can be safely experienced.

If everything happens by itself and if I can do away with all future planning and completely absorb myself in the present NOW, imagine how much energy would be available.

The whole enlightenment is a de-conditioning/deconstruction process. You return your identity to the unborn self. It’s de-hypnotizing yourself. It has nothing to do with changing any phenomenal experience.

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