My Longing

longing

I feel a longing in direct experience, but it is hard to describe it.
Here is my attempt to come close to describing it:
Longing for God
Longing for Rest
Longing to Relax
Longing for Disappearance
Longing for Deep Sleep
Longing for Ecstasy
Longing for the Infinite
Longing for Release
Longing for Liberation
Longing for Wholeness
Longing for Integration
Longing for Silence
Longing to be released from the Body
Longing to be released from Identity
Longing to know ‘What I Am’
Longing for Flow
Longing for Death
Longing for Peace
Longing for Love
Longing for Understanding
Longing for Purpose
Longing for Revelation
Longing for Freedom
Longing for Bliss/Pleasure
Longing for Clarity
Longing for Mystery
Longing for the Beyond
Longing for Surrender
Longing for Truth
Longing for Light
Longing for Inspiration
Longing for Connection

Madness and Belief

cloudshadow

Madness is basically the breach of integrity between the lower reality and the higher, and initiated by the lower.
For example: To believe in separation (the core madness).
Because that belief is out of integrity with the higher reality and therefore veils the higher truth.
Another example: Belief that there is nothing higher than mind blocks all of the higher reality beyond it.
So each belief is a veil.

Belief is madness, and madness is relative.
Every breach between the lower and higher reality is madness.
The worst prison is a closed heart.
It closes itself off to all of the higher reality/field and veils it.

Infinite/Unlimited [A] —-[B]—–[C]—–[D]—–[E] Finite/Limited
B is mad wrt. A
C is mad wrt. B
And so on.
Because B is only one of the possibilities of A, while A is far more expansive.
B looks like a narrow reality tunnel to A.
I could also refer to this as a recursive tunneling of contexts.
Infinite/Unlimited [Universe]——[Galaxy]—–[Solar system]——[Planet]—–[Island] Finite/Limited

Will good really triumph over evil?

Ying Yang Fish

Is this a naive conception? Fairy tale concept?
OR is there any real deep basis to this?
Will creation really win over destruction?
Will white really win over black?
Will light win over darkness?
Will consciousness really win over unconsciousness?
Will evolution really win over devolution?
Will progress really win over regress?
Will good really win over evil?
Will knowledge really win over ignorance?
Will enlightenment really win over delusion?
Will order really win over chaos?
Will truth win over the false?
Will virtue win over vice?
Will heaven win over hell?
Will pleasure win over pain?

If the ultimate reality/god/logos etc. is everything, then,
How can we equate god to only the: good/white/light/consciousness/evolution/progress
/good/knowledge/enlightenment/order/truth/virtue/heaven/pleasure?
Isn’t god also: evil/black/dark/unconscious/devolution/regress
/bad/ignorant/deluded/chaos/false/vice/hell/pain?

Many would acknowledge the dark aspect of god, but somehow they would have a reservation about it that god is more light than dark somehow.
Why should this be the case?
There is an equally infinity on both sides isn’t it:
-ve infinity ———-0————–+ve infinity
Why should the positive portion be any more real than the negative component?

Look at the Yin-Yang symbol itself:
Destructive forces everywhere can reduce creative forces to a seed potential.
Similarly, creative forces everywhere can reduce destructive forces to a seed potential.
The seed potential is the black eye in the white fish and the white eye in the black fish of the Yin-Yang symbol.
The opposite potential never gets extinguished and the drama is free to make that arise however intensely it deems it so.

The more I think about it:
God is “NOTHING”.

True persona vs. False persona

true-false

There are various equivalent spectrums:
High spirit power —————– Low spirit power
God attuned Ego/Self ———– Distant tuned Ego/Self
Vitality —————————— Depression
Coherence/Effortless harmony ———– Chaotic/Efforted harmony
Seratonin, Dopamine abundance ———- Seratonin Dopamine scarcity
Sun ———————— Moon
Truth ———————- Falsity
Giver ———————- Taker
Source ——————– Parasite
Home ——————— Exile
Abundance ————– Scarcity

The false persona needs borrowed energy to live OR it must live super frugally.
The god attuned persona on the other hand does not need energy from anybody else or anything, it has an infinite source of power within itself.
The false persona suffers when the true persona has not been cut off.
The constant conflict between the false person and the true persona manifests as disharmony and suffering.
Like 2 radio frequencies interfering with each other creating a lot of noise (which is suffering in this context).
When the false persona entirely cuts off the true persona, it lives without suffering and in full disconnection from abundance.
So such a persona lives purely opportunistically.
Since all connection is derived from connection to the true self, so a total severing of that connection is also a total severing of love.
So then the false persona works as an independent agent solely caring about its advantage and using the world as much as it can for its benefit.
Whereas the person who still has connection to his true self experiences a divide between:
Abundance/True self ———————————- Scarcity/False self
Service to other —————————————- Service to self
There are various degrees of polarization along this line.
People may fluctuate and move along this line experiencing suffering THROUGHOUT from the conflicting values of the 2 sides.
After all, Conflict = Suffering.
No Conflict = No suffering.
If you polarize to any one end, you would not suffer.
However when you are in the middle, there is a choice.
What will you choose?

Sensations, Psychological activity, and Integration

There are multiple sensations of chaos/pain -> simultaneously happening in:
1 – Sensation/physical reality
2 – Mind/psychological reality
One is not the cause of the other.
Rather both are simultaneous.
1 – Every sensation carries the potential for the psychological effects
2 – Psychological effects carry the potential for sensational effects.
[Sensation effects Psychological effects] = Are ONE, they come together
Focus shifts:
1 – However it is possible to focus on the sensation alone.
2 – OR It is possible to focus solely on psychological effects.
Generally the psychological reality is much more complex that the bare sensation and it can trigger a world of thoughts/memories.
1 – If one wants to rest, then it is possible to simply rest on sensation which by virtue of focus suspends the psychological animation/activity. [Depression – depression by itself is simply rest]
One then experiences only pure sensation with no interpretation.
2 – If one wants to delve into the psychological world of the sensations, then a channel of expression such as free-writing can reveal all the webs of meaning of potential opened up by the sensation.
Here one can get absorbed into all the narratives, stories, webs and principles.

‘Attention/Focus’ is what limits reality to one or the other.
Can one pay attention to the sensation and thought together?
Yes, to an extent, but there is a limitation here – it can tire you quickly.
As a rule:
1 – Divided attention tends to tire – because it takes a lot of energy.
2 – Single minded attention tends to relax – because it uses a much thinner stream of directed energy.
So interestingly, paying attention reduces energy expenditure since the reservoir of energy available is channeled.
That is how people can do focused work for many hours(one thing is relevant, rest is irrelevant), but when they are restless with nothing to do(all is relevant), they can get depleted very rapidly.
It is similar to a circuit.
– If the circuit is not properly closed, then the energy leaks in a lot of places.
– If it is fully closed, then energy is conserved.
The next question though will be about the focus structures themselves.
‘Focus structures’ are driven by desire.
But desire is usually shaped by self-concept/ego-concept structures created in the early years.
Then there is the deeper archetypal desires of your self/soul which are more global and abstract.
So generally again there is a dichotomy here:
1 – If your ego-concept aligns fairly well with your soul/deeper desire -> you function and explore happily within the structure of your ego in the world.
2 – If your ego-concept is distant from your soul desire (your true wisdom) -> the soul will drive most of the efforts into correcting that and seeking learning.

In point 2, that disharmony = pain, and this pain will drive you towards the task of acquiring the necessary understanding to bridge the gap that will integrate and reshape the self-concept.
In such a case, there may be a movement towards dissolution of structure and entering the deeper chaos (the chaos is from lack of conscious nurture) again to realign with your soul-potentials which were abandoned earlier.
Why is there a dissolution? – because probably the structure has already served its purpose and most of its potentials have been explored OR it could be from having many neglected potentials which were not included in your early structure, necessitating integration work via. intuiting of higher order principles as executive agents for the reassembly.

e-motion = energy in motion.

rainbowhearts

Emotion is what makes us move.
The mind/intellect is the map.
The emotion is the motor.
If you have no emotion, then the map only shows you infinitely possibilities.
In fact if you have only the mind, it will simply show you the pros and cons with every investment.
It will paralyze you with indecision by showing you infinite EQUIVALENT possibilities.
It is love that moves everything.
All “will” is from emotion, from the heart.
The seat of vitality is in the heart.
All instruments serve the divine heart.

The whole moves the whole

Peintures

The whole moves the whole (truth)
No part moves the whole (illusion of agency)
No part moves another part (illusion of causation)
The whole has no history (story/narrative illusion)
It is ever refreshing, ever renewing (dance of the ONE)
The whole is alive (I am aliveness)

The final rites of letting go

letting-go-hazel-billingsley

I have relinquished almost all investments with others.
Now, I stand alone with only my parents around me.
As I let go more and more, I am falling into an energy space that has no overlap with my parents.
My parents are my final investment, and I am getting desperate in trying to connect with them in some way.
This is because if I don’t achieve some connection/structure/basis then I will fall into no-self, chaos, the dream, and emptiness.
This is scary to me, and that part of me is driving my efforts for desperate connection.
Even if it means finding fault with others(parents), and infusing urgency into the fact that they MUST solve their problems, and I will help them, and so on.
I can see through this though, and I have compassion for that part of me.

In fact I see that there is no overlap between my energy and ANYBODY else.
I see the part of me that is freaking out
That part which seeks out support/connection/bolstering for my identity.
That part is actually my identity/ego/social-self itself.
Without this bolstering one falls into the unknown, into the dream, and into emptiness, without a story, continuity, identity, or a structure.
That is how it appears.

The illusion of continuity and structure is maintained by others.
Without others, there is nothing to UPHOLD the self/ego.
Our self/ego is only a social-construct thriving on continual reinforcement.
The grief is in dropping this mega-project of the hope of securing validation of my value and worth from an other, and of contact with an other who would give me the respect of fully seeing me.
I have never received the “seeing/validation of worth and value” in any consistent way all through my life.
It has come in bits and pieces and has created so many fragmented selves.
Maybe that is what drove me towards the project of freedom, because the chaos and a lack of a stable pov was getting painful.

But now, I want to be emptied of all these dependent coagulations/structures/identities and give up everything that is not upheld inherently by existence itself.
The price to pay feels like everything, but I can also sense that nothing of true value is ever lost and all I am losing is my burdens.

Conflict of values

conflict-of-values

This is a very vast and deep topic.
David Hawkins had a very interesting abstract picture regarding how values emerge: Context -> Meaning -> Value -> Goals.
So context creates meaning, meaning creates values, and values create goals.
I am going to narrow my analysis here, but the same could be applied to any set of conflicting values.

A conflict which I often face is between orienting myself towards “likeability” or “truth”.
When I agree with everything someone says, usually, I am not “liked” per say by that person, but I get a background of ‘acceptability’ in their life.
It is primarily a strategy to avoid conflict and rejection.
So “Conflict avoidance” and “Rejection avoidance” are some of my values.
Now, if I go out of my way to please a person by showering them with compliments, astute positive observations in a sophisticated subtle way (if you are too overt about it, it will backfire, make you look desperate and they will avoid you) or buy them gifts and basically give them a lot of loving attention, then I enter the “Likeability” territory.
So that is another value I have: “Secure Likeability points”

On the other side of the spectrum, I want to speak the truth to people and not filter anything out, whatever it may be.
It may be a combination of things I like and do not like.
OR I may want to ask for something I need from them.
This is my value of: “Truth”
Now, this is a dangerous territory.
Because, things are not equally weighed.
You may give 10 compliments and get +10 points, but if you are critical of something they are sensitive about, it may shut down the whole conversation and result in instant rejection or may greatly reduce all the goodwill accumulated.
And once they get defensive, now if you persist in what you said, the inclusion will be lost and it will become a war.
And this would go against my value of: “Inclusion”

Also, once I trigger something in the other turning them into ‘defense’/’attack’ against me, I have lost the inclusion and lost the trust in that moment.
This makes me fearful and makes me defensive too, in both cases, esp. in the attack case.
This goes against my value of: “Safety”

Always agreeing to everything the other says, is not “interesting” and neither is it “genuine”, and it also lowers the value of my agreement because I give it out to everything the other says. Also I may never express my own opinion about the issue.
So me doing that violates 4 values of: “Being interesting”, “Being genuine”, “Being valued”, “Being heard”

But I also value “Listening”, so I may not interrupt the other when they speak.
There are also some other values like: “Fair Participation”, “Fair involvement” & “Respect, i.e. both the people in conversation get to express all that they had in mind, both were equally involved in each other, both were equally heard, and both contexts were embraced.

My social life and interacting with others tends to invoke this chaotic soup of values in me which then drive my actions.
I am looking for a way to resolve this chaos.
There are 2 ways of resolving this in my understanding:
1 – Commit to certain values, polarize, and discard the rest
2 – Shift the center of gravity to a higher value structure that includes and transcends all these values.

Who am I?

mystical-fire-1_1

In Hinduism,
Brahman = Supreme Being = Atma = Spirit
Anatma = Represents that which is not spirit = Not Atma.
All my works are Anatma.
They are expressions of Atma.
What I am in essence is pure “dancing creative formless unborn spirit”.
I am not my works of creation, be it art/dance/writing/painting/singing/music.
I am not my expressions.
I am that ever-renewing/ever-refreshing fount/source of creativity and inspiration.
THAT is me.
My works spill out of me like an endless fountain of the ‘1000 petaled lotus(sahasra/crown chakra)’.
But I am not my works, I am the engine of creation, the FLAME of creation.
I am the spawner, the generator, the fire, the flame, the force, the potential.
I am infinite unborn potential, the born is not me but it is my ever flowing expression – like the wake of the ship, but the ship is what I am.
I leave an immense wake of creations, but am ever free from all of it.
Holding on to my creation stops me from flowering.
Imagine if a fire held on to one of its states of motion, would it look like the dancing fire then?
I am the libidinous force/power/potential/impulse of creation.
I am not creation at all.
I am the formless void and its creative impulse/potential. That is me.
Creation spills out of me like a fountain, but I am not the creation.
The creations live on MY POWER/MY INVESTED SPIRIT.
All of reality lives on my INVESTMENT.
Every single one of you reading this, even your entire reality is only your INVESTMENT of the spirit power that YOU ARE.
Without spirit, things would simply vanish.
Spirit upholds everything.
I am spirit alone, the pure magic of it, the infinite unborn potential.
Like we say a plant grows out of the seed and the soil.
In reality, the seed, soil, the sun etc. and all creation are PROPS of the magical force/impulse of spirit.
What is real is the uncreated.
I am that force, that potency, that power, that magical source, that mysterious mystical flame.
I am not any creation, I am simply the uncreated formless power.
I am that primordial libidinal force.
I am touched by other spirits everywhere.
Every other person and being is also THAT.
That is your true nature.
It is like god multiplying itself holographically across every point.
But I can feel god everywhere around me only as a resonance to my own connection to god.
My closeness to god holographically reflects everyone else’s equivalent potential.