Identity, Desire, and Memory

‘Identity’ with ‘Memory’ spawns ‘Desire’.
Memories are like accumulations.
They can be at different levels.
They add on top of each other like a multi-storey building

Our original identity is “LIFE/SPIRIT”,
The formless intelligence that simply IS (Pure being).
This identity then mixed with memory at various levels.
Pure Life/Spirit channeled through [Identity with Memory] = Spawns Desire/Force.
Like how electricity is first channeled through your laptop power supply,
And then through all the laptop’s hardware produces its output.

RULE: All force is generated through structure.
So every structure, when identified with, empowers it with spirit,
And spirit begins functioning THROUGH that structure, manifesting as desire/force.
Desire therefore can be seen as a modification of spirit passing through a memory/structure due to identification with it.

Approximately here are the different levels of memory:
(Identifications with these memories can build on top of each other,
And create corr. desire forces)

Spirit/life = true identity (operates at a level of freedom outside memory)
M1 = Soul karmic memory = Desire 1(D1)
M2 = Evolutionary memory = Desire 2(D2)
M3 = Cultural/Ancestry-Genetic memory = Desire 3(D3)
M4 = Family/Social Conditioning memory = Desire 4(D4)
M5 = Personality memory = Desire 5(D5)
M6 = Mental memory = Desire 6(D6)
M7 = Emotional memory = Desire 7(D7)
M8 = Sensory memory = Desire 8(D8)

So if [M1+M2+M3+M4+M5+M6+M7] are identified with,
Then spirit operates through all those structs,
And you get the conscious desire of D8.

Alternatively, if [M1+M2+M3+M4+M5] are identified with,
Then spirit operates through all of those,
Giving you the conscious desire of D6.

In degree of vastness,
D1 is infinitely vaster than D6.
Every subsequent desire is nested in its higher desire as a possibility.
You can say [M1,D1], [M2,D2] etc. are [structure->forces] residing in their corresponding dimensions.
The entire lower dimension is from one of the structures in the higher dimension.

The dimensions are linked like a chain.
Coming from the source [which is life/spirit],
And building up from M1 to M8, like a multi-storey building.

All transformation is from the intervention of a higher dimension on a lower one,
And this goes on until we finally reach the unfathomable identification with infinite intelligence/life/spirit/pure consciousness itself.
Once this station has been reached,
It sets all of the other dimensions completely free.

Your freedom, degree of freedom, or potential for freedom,
Depends on which dimension your conscious identity is residing in.

Real knowledge must be rooted in direct perception

Many times, when I ask people about what they feel about a certain thing,
They would respond with: I don’t know, or I’m blank, or no idea.
That is usually in the colloquial context.
However, when examined existentially, that is not true at all.
They do know.
They do have lot of preexisting beliefs, frameworks, ideas, imaginations, and preconceptions about that thing.

When it is said ‘The enlightened one is the one that realizes that he does not know’,
We wonder: ‘Ok, what about all the commoners who also say the same about everything?’
In reality, the latter set of people do believe they know,
And have all sorts of conceptions, imaginations, ideations, associations about it, but it is in unconsciousness/darkness and unexamined.

What holds back people from proper atma-vichara is that they do not contact and work with the proper seed essences from the point of view of consciousness.
Generally, as a thumb rule: ‘You always start from what you do know, and from that seed essence, you grow the tree of knowledge.’
It is a kind of contradiction to say, “I don’t know X”, because in that very statement you have already shown you have a conception of what X is.
It is like saying: “Can you see this tumbler, THIS tumbler (you hold it in your hand or point to it), I can’t see it”.
Or pointing to the tumbler and saying, “This is not a ceramic vessel”.
The next question then would be: “Then…What is it?”
When people say “I don’t know, I’m blank, no idea” = it is a sort of negative definition.
They are not seeing the knowing/ideas they do have about that.

‘NOT’ is always a comparative statement.
Like defining: A as A, and B as ‘not A’.
But B is also B, it is its own thing.
Nothing can not exist. There is only existence.
‘Not’ simply means that thing which exists, is not something else.
So contemplation and gaining knowledge requires you to contact “the essence object/the root rasa” in your consciousness first,
I.e. the knowing/ideas/concepts you do have about it.
Then you can proceed to add on/investigate/deconstruct and so on.
Without contacting this essence, the foundation of all your knowledge is belief based and therefore unstable (relatively unreal).
It is without rooting in your own direct experience.

You are the root which the tree of your knowledge must be attached to, and come from.
If this root is in unconsciousness, then your knowledge will be a flimsy tree without real rooting.
It would live only off consensus.

There is experience/knowing all the time.
Generally, if you ask someone to close their eyes and ask them what do they see, they would say “nothing”.
What they mean in a way is: nothing relevant/significant/important,
Or nothing worth even calling a thing.
But it is important to note that, it is never nothing because nothing does not exist.
They are seeing something (some inchoate murky patterns/fluctuations/forms etc.) which can be artistically and imaginatively described.
By saying nothing, they are essentially saying that whatever is seen is irrelevant and therefore “ignorable”(treated as nothing).
But this is where ignorance lies too.
Seeing is always on, whether your eyes are closed or open, because really it is the mind that is tuning to the sense of seeing, and therefore seeing.

There are essences and degrees.
The essences you perceive in your inner/outer space, are your real riches.
They are the 5th dimension, all the possibilities of your current condition of existence.
This direct perception of essences is your REAL KNOWLEDGE.
These essences are the seeds of real knowledge from which you can build trees and connect them up.
Once the “essence” is perceived, you have the fundamental riches, you can then play around with “degree”, and manifest them fully.

A short description of my experience

I experience life itself like a dream.
Where there is total subjectivity.
And “everything” could change into anything.
Absolutely malleable/changeable.
The “props” of my external environment may remain the same,
But the “dance” is in my body chemistry,
That can change the “entire relationship” I have with everything,
i.e. all of my thoughts/emotions/moods/feelings/perspectives/vision/projections etc.

Drugs really reveal this secret all too well,
That body chemistry shapes a tremendous/extraordinary amount of all of our experience.
Like esp. with marijuana and psychedelics, the alteration is phenomenal.
Chemistry and perception have a phenomenal correlation.
It can alter even time, space, and my whole vision about everything.
The body is like the million-chemical factory,
Controlled by forces from a higher dimension? (soul/karma/vasanas/engrams/samskharas/causal realm seed?)
Which are in turn controlled by the collective soul/collective karma/solar-system as a logos with planetary sub-logos etc.?

The only stable ground I see is ‘consciousness’.
That is the only certainty/ground I feel.
Everything else is super changeable in my experience,
Anything and everything can dramatically shift.
So there is a weaning out and a profound detachment that is deepening as this process is happening.
Sometimes I lose all energy, coherence, and suffer the dark night of soul,
Going through a hyper-negative sensitivity to everything,
In the cesspit of my wretchedness, despair, depression, reactivity, contradictions, confusions, paradoxes, frustrations, sufferings.
Like falling into the valley/pit of sorrow/miseries/pain.
Other times I come back with a bang, rise up to the mountains,
And regain coherence/meaning/purpose/direction/clarity with a sense of euphoria/insight/joy/beatitude.

I find the greatest/ultimate rejuventator for me is “SLEEP”.
Every “sleep” gives me a new lease of life.
Each day is a new life.
I live day to day, taking each new day as a life in and of itself.
My whole lifespan 85 years say,
Is really the aggregate of ~31100 sub-lives.
Every day I wake up to brave a new mystery/a new paradigm/a new context,
And by the night I am totally pooked/in deep fatigue.

My experience is like endless alternations of,
Coherence/Harmony/Purpose/Meaning –and– Confusion/Chaos/Suffering/Meaningless
Like mountain -> valley -> mountain -> valley…..and so on.
A constant agonizing alternation between ecstasy and depression.
With wild fluctuations in the influx and deflux of spirit.
My whole being is just an instrument that serves and abides in this mystery,
And rides its waves and dance.
I feel like i’m living in a constant Bardo realm,
With a very tenuous connect with the earth and body.

Like an endless fall into the abyss that will maybe drop me off in the next dimension.
Like being eaten by a Whale, and digested alive inside its stomach.
But maybe a day will come where I will open my eyes to the world again, not as me, but as the Whale,
And see through the Whale’s eyes and live in and as its being,
That has absorbed my essence into its.

The only one thing I desire is “spirit”.
I’ve narrowed it down to that after discriminating through all these extreme shifts.
When I am filled with spirit, life is wonderful.
In the absence of spirit, I am in deep agony.

Ajna Vision: There is only light and darkness

Life = Agni(Fire) = Spirit = Consciousness.
This is the only treasure, the first and the last, the one and only, the ultimate gift.

The world is infinite,
There are infinite worlds,
Infinite other beings/people/animals/life forms,
Infinite planes with infinite activities,
Infinite content springing forth all the time.
But only what you perceive is your experience,
And what you perceive is from your Agni/Life/Spirit.

It feels like so much complexity is happening,
But when I really see the essence piercingly,
I see that really it is only my dream,
That “appears and vanishes”,
Depending on the “infux and deflux” of life/spirit/agni into me,
Happening everyday in me taking the appearance of wake and sleep.

There is just an alternation of light and darkness, nothing else.
The complexities of each day are a play of the projector-light like a movie.
Either the projector is on or off, creating light and darkness,
That’s all I see from this depth.

The knowledge of death completely rewires you

Death is thought of as an event that happens in the far future.
Nobody even thinks about it, unless there is a real reason to.
Seeing death as an event, is from ignorance (maybe purposeful).
Death is not an event that suddenly happens in the far future.
Death as an experience is continually happening.
“Death is not an event, but death IS, just as life IS”
(borrowed from Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev).

One never steps in the same river twice.
Life experience is constantly transforming.
Knowledge of death or mortality is really knowledge of impermanence.
It is the truth of the statement: “This too shall pass”.
The nature of life is aliveness and change.
Life = spirit = novelty = miracle = change = aliveness = unknown = mystery.

Death is the knowledge of unbecoming that follows becoming.
Like the outbreath follows the inbreath.
So imagine breathing in more and more without letting out anything.
Eventually at one point, the tension will become so great,
You will just drop and let go of everything.
The nature of life is like the Breath.
We enter this planet, take on a body, project all of our emotions here.
We get deeply involved, and then later leave everything behind, and exit.
The cycle of [incarnation – death] like [inbreath – outbreath].

The knowledge of death is what breaks the spell of ordinary egoic life.
It is the great disillusionment.
It casts its shadow on all desires/dreams/plans.
The thought that comes is:
“What is the use of doing anything? OR becoming anything?
If it is all going to end in dust?
Why should I bother to fight for my survival and thrive?
If I am just going to be cheated and mocked in the end by death?”

This may create an existential crisis/dark night of soul/depression.
When the knowledge of death enters your vision.
If one allows this process to fully pass through,
They emerge on the other side transformed.
It is like how you digest food and get energy later,
The knowledge of death digests “you” and liberates you,
And you emerge as a phoenix from the ashes.

For the phoenix, life is lived in the “now/present”
The past is seen as present only, i.e. the past incarnating in the present.
The future is seen as imagination done in the present.
The phoenix lives with identification grounded in “formless life/aliveness” itself.
All else is seen as the play of life, “as form” and “with form”

Imagination is the closest expression of spirit

Imagination is the closest expression of spirit/source itself.

To define imagination in its highest sense:
# “The philosophers stone is not an object in your imagination, rather you are the imagination of the philosophers stone”.
Another way of saying it is:
# “God is not an object in your imagination, rather ‘you’ are the imagination of God”

The power of imagination is like the “infinite potentiality all pervading quantum field” itself
All of reality = “imagination of god” as experienced through the lens of “god’s imagination of you”.

Spirit world and Material world


There are differing ratios of Spirit-Matter in different planes of existence.
[Look up “Sant Mat – inner planes of existence” if interested in a model]
What we call earth depends on which plane you are on, i.e. which plane you are aligned and tuned to.
You are not in earth, rather you and the earth are appearances within and as a certain energetic frequency ‘YOU'[your higher self/soul/your deeper reality…you get the idea] are tuned into.
Are you looking at the “material earth” OR the “spiritual earth”? it depends on whether you are TUNED into the material plane or spirit plane.
I have created 2 simplistic categories so that I can explain the concept.
But basically what I am trying to convey is that, there are innumerable planes of experience/existence spanning from gross to subtle.
Gross[material] plane ——–innumerable in-between planes————– Subtle [Spirit] plane
And these planes have differing ratios of spirit to matter.
Spirit is lowest, matter is highest [dense material plane] —-vs—– Spirit is highest, matter is lowest [rarefied spiritual plane]

Spirit is energy/life/subtle/aliveness/electricity/non-physical/imperceptible.
Spirit infused into matter creates ‘VIBRATION’ which is then perceivable.
So then are you matter or spirit?
The relationship is a bit more complex.
Really, there is only ONE ENERGY, we can call in caps ‘SPIRIT’.
SPIRIT[spirit, matter]
The duality of spirit-matter comes out of this, which is what creates existence as a form OR material plane existence and so on.
Like how, we have [ice, water, steam].
All 3 of these are the same essence but vibrating at different rates.
Lower vibration = gross = matter ————– Higher vibration = subtle = steam.
But all of the forms of water are the same essence.
So coming back to spirit-matter, spirit-matter are like Yin-Yang dual pairs.
They mutually and interdependently give each other meaning.
‘matter’ is because ‘spirit’ is, and ‘spirit’ is because ‘matter’ is.
But both are made up of ‘SPIRIT’ Essence(note the caps).
Like how H2O molecule transcends all the various forms water can take, ‘SPIRIT’ OR ‘GOD’ OR ‘The ONE’ is that ‘primordial essence/singular principle’ that manifests in the infinite forms/varieties/experiences.

Now coming back to the spirit/material realms/planes/worlds concept.
I will use a monitor screen analogy to explain it further.
Your monitor refresh rate is right now 60hz (sometimes 75hz or even 120hz).
That means 60 times a second, a TOTAL refresh is possible.
That means I could have a strobe light flash through every pixel in the screen in 60 different colors one at a time within one sec.
This refresh rate is its ‘FREQUENCY’.
So this is a great analogy to explain, what high-frequency spirit planes are like.
Higher the frequency, higher the freedom.
Very young Children are in this state (much higher frequency), and even good quality LSD can create this HYPER-PRIMING state of high frequency which is felt as exhilarating, joy, and freedom.

Children come into being from the spirit world to the material world.
And this is not instant but a certain gradual process of shifting from the higher freq spirit world into the lower freq material world. A descent.
Think about it, when does the greatest amount of creation happen (fundamental creation that is)? In the womb?? (so the womb is sort of a transition plane from the higher freq to the lower freq when the basic form of incarnation happens).
Even in the initial years of life until the age of 6, one is in a HYPER-PRIMING stage (similar to LSD) where imprinting happens.
Thereafter we live life through that form and experience life through the more or less crystallized imprinted form patterns in the material plane.
Which is what makes us have a specific personality and traits.
If we were in the higher freq spirit realms, you can shape shift profoundly into anything and experience it and change into something else a mili-second later.
Now one very interesting point, generally we become more fearful of change after we grow because there is less freedom/less energy (low freq energy is more difficult to change). We are afraid of imprinting – why? because we will not have the energy to change it later.

Lower frequency realms are like solidified dreams.
Like whatever happens to us, has a DRAG time, and this DRAG time is SIGNIFICANTLY greater the lower our frequency is.
Depression is the frequency of spirit is very low – in other words, you feel powerless, helpless to CHANGE your state. It is not only very difficult to change your state, you once again get stuck in whatever new state you arrive at. The depression pain is mainly spiritual, the pain of losing freedom.
Depression is your being moving into the lower freq of hell realms.
The opposite is exhilaration tingly vibratory feelings which happen as spirit influxes into your form.

Ecstasy is your being moving into the higher freq of heavenly realms.
Heaven and Hell realms can be conceptualized in terms of:
Low freq material worlds = Hell —————– High freq spirit worlds = Heaven
(Heaven and hell are relative remember, they are not absolute places)
In the high freq heaven spirit worlds, you can MOVE through vast experiences as fast as your monitor can update say, 60 times a second.
Whereas in the low freq hell material worlds, it takes a lot of effort to update your state of being, and once you arrive there, again it will take a lot of effort to change it. So really there is no freedom at all in comparison.

Another aspect I wanted to talk about besides freq was amplitude and power.
You could be powerful in a low frequency realm = Science (the imagination caught in the imaginary)
You could be powerless in a high frequency realm = Religious visionary
This ties into the saying:
Science is blind, Religion is lame.
Frequency determines the radio station – realm you are tuned into.
Amplitude determines the volume – amplitude or power of the signal.
Like a person who is tuned to the material world (low freq) but with a lot of amplitude/power, will be an achiever, go-getter, powerful human in the human game.
Whereas a spiritual seeker, his being may be tuned to the high frequency but he cannot sustain any amplitude and feels totally powerless and helpless.

So I made 4 variations:

High frequency + High amplitude = Spiritual master (fast and total change) = LSD like aliveness “All is spirit” experience.
High frequency + Low amplitude = Spiritual seeker (fine awareness but slow change from lack of power) = Deep insights but inability to change much.
[Spiritual seeker ——and ———- Spiritual master] = Are both spirit world high-freq experiences.

Low frequency + High amplitude = Doer/Achiever in the world (low awareness but fast change) = Societal achiever and go-getter
Low frequency + Low amplitude = Depression (low awareness and slow change) = Dull slow leaden sub-human state.

I read somewhere in literature, that angels live in the high-freq visionary worlds but have low power.
Whereas humans live in the low-freq material world but have high power.
So what would you choose, if those were the 2 options?

I desire ‘alive sensation’



Beyond Freedom

Even freedom is relative.
Freedom is only relative to YOUR NOTION, and not what is actually available to you around you.
Because I could always tell myself that I have a 100 other things most people do not have.
But does that make me feel free?
That makes me mentally feel good – as a concept, but that’s about it.
I cannot feel it powerfully.
The lifetime of the mental feeling of freedom is very short lived and teeny.
Freedom is an inner condition of abundant spirit.
“You are what you love and not what loves you” – I read this quote today and felt the truth of it.

“To want to gain Freedom” is again operating in a paradigm that also contains the fear of losing it.
So wanting anything carries an implicit fear of the loss of the thing.
So what is beyond freedom? That is my contemplation.