I desire ‘alive sensation’



Beyond Freedom

Even freedom is relative.
Freedom is only relative to YOUR NOTION, and not what is actually available to you around you.
Because I could always tell myself that I have a 100 other things most people do not have.
But does that make me feel free?
That makes me mentally feel good – as a concept, but that’s about it.
I cannot feel it powerfully.
The lifetime of the mental feeling of freedom is very short lived and teeny.
Freedom is an inner condition of abundant spirit.
“You are what you love and not what loves you” – I read this quote today and felt the truth of it.

“To want to gain Freedom” is again operating in a paradigm that also contains the fear of losing it.
So wanting anything carries an implicit fear of the loss of the thing.
So what is beyond freedom? That is my contemplation.

True persona vs. False persona


There are various equivalent spectrums:
High spirit power —————– Low spirit power
God attuned Ego/Self ———– Distant tuned Ego/Self
Vitality —————————— Depression
Coherence/Effortless harmony ———– Chaotic/Efforted harmony
Seratonin, Dopamine abundance ———- Seratonin Dopamine scarcity
Sun ———————— Moon
Truth ———————- Falsity
Giver ———————- Taker
Source ——————– Parasite
Home ——————— Exile
Abundance ————– Scarcity

The false persona needs borrowed energy to live OR it must live super frugally.
The god attuned persona on the other hand does not need energy from anybody else or anything, it has an infinite source of power within itself.
The false persona suffers when the true persona has not been cut off.
The constant conflict between the false person and the true persona manifests as disharmony and suffering.
Like 2 radio frequencies interfering with each other creating a lot of noise (which is suffering in this context).
When the false persona entirely cuts off the true persona, it lives without suffering and in full disconnection from abundance.
So such a persona lives purely opportunistically.
Since all connection is derived from connection to the true self, so a total severing of that connection is also a total severing of love.
So then the false persona works as an independent agent solely caring about its advantage and using the world as much as it can for its benefit.
Whereas the person who still has connection to his true self experiences a divide between:
Abundance/True self ———————————- Scarcity/False self
Service to other —————————————- Service to self
There are various degrees of polarization along this line.
People may fluctuate and move along this line experiencing suffering THROUGHOUT from the conflicting values of the 2 sides.
After all, Conflict = Suffering.
No Conflict = No suffering.
If you polarize to any one end, you would not suffer.
However when you are in the middle, there is a choice.
What will you choose?

Happiness and Depression in general


My real happiness automatically means the other person is accepted.
My depression automatically means the other person is not accepted.
This is a side effect, it is based on the overall context of that person’s life itself (much beyond the person’s will power or control available).
It is not something the person chooses as such (they do have a choice but it is not much, like it is only from the top of the iceberg portion.)

That is why universally beings gravitate to happy beings (and avoid depressed beings).
Depressed (low spirit contact) ——————————— Happy(high spirit contact)
That is because universally what is loved is ‘spirit’.
That is why children are naturally loved, because they are the closest to ‘spirit’.

So the idea of bringing up children, is for them to have minimum loss of spirit as they grow up.
It is to minimize the loss of their spirit as you introduce them to society, culture, human games, and creating an identity etc.

You want them to choose an identity from their own freedom and then help shape it better like a potter adding finesse using all of your experience and knowledge.
(One easy way to kill a child’s spirit is impose/enforce something seriously unreasonable on him (role-reversal etc.) or something totally different and out of his nature, and tell him – “Be THAT otherwise you are a shameful loser”)
Bringing up happy adults -> retention of a high amount of spirit in adulthood
Bringing up depressed adults -> loss of a lot of spirit in adulthood

In other words, if the ‘identity’ serves spirit you have a happy person, else a depressed person.

Of course depressed adults will program the children with the depression programming – consciously(top of iceberg) or unconsciously(under the iceberg).

So there are only 2 kinds of families really:
Happy families, Unhappy families – and infinite variation of these 2 themes.

Spirit I feel is not a specific kind of expression, way of being, behavior pattern, appearance etc. It can express itself in a multitude of ways.
I feel all spirit means is high electricity/high energy = high freedom
Spirit = freedom
So a person is happy when he has spirit, that is freedom.
A person is unhappy when he lacks spirit, that is being stuck.

‘Ken Wilber’ says the same:
Contact with Spirit = Happiness
Away from Spirit = Depression
That’s all there really is.

All 3 spectrums are equivalent:
Freedom ————————— Stuck
Happy——————————- Depressed
High spirit ————————- Low spirit

What is imagination?


What is ‘Imagination’?
Could I say it is ‘Creative capacity’, ‘Creative potential’, ‘Power to create’?
Could we also call it ‘Spirit’?
So, ‘Imagination’ = ‘Spirit’ = ‘Creative Force’ = ‘God’?
Spirit = atma?, Matter = anatma?
But then who created ‘anatma’ would be the question.
So, there is ATMA (notice the caps) which creates the seeming play between atma and anatma.
ATMA {atma, anatma}
GOD {god, non-god}
SPIRIT{spirit(formless), form}

In a way, what we call ‘THE WORLD’ is our conception of it or our interpretation of it.
It is a ‘Mental Representation’.
So reality APPEARS in a field of consciousness, and I am that field.
So I can say, reality appears in my imagination.

It is not that you possess the faculty/capacity of imagination, rather YOU are an appearance of your imagination.
You are your imagination’s possession.
Your imagination transcends what you call as ‘you’.
Paradoxical as it sounds, your imagination is beyond you, and what you call you is one of your imaginations.

Imagination is not a figment within space-time, rather, imagination is beyond and creates strings of space-time itself.
Imagination is the broadest context, the ground of all that exists.

Here is brilliant article on imagination:
“Being the “only immediate reality,” the divine, creative imagination is the primordial ground of “reality” itself. Paradoxically, at the same time that the philosophers’ stone revealed itself as a product of the alchemists’ imagination, the alchemists realized that they themselves — and everyone for that matter — were the imagination of the philosophers’ stone!”

Who am I?


In Hinduism,
Brahman = Supreme Being = Atma = Spirit
Anatma = Represents that which is not spirit = Not Atma.
All my works are Anatma.
They are expressions of Atma.
What I am in essence is pure “dancing creative formless unborn spirit”.
I am not my works of creation, be it art/dance/writing/painting/singing/music.
I am not my expressions.
I am that ever-renewing/ever-refreshing fount/source of creativity and inspiration.
THAT is me.
My works spill out of me like an endless fountain of the ‘1000 petaled lotus(sahasra/crown chakra)’.
But I am not my works, I am the engine of creation, the FLAME of creation.
I am the spawner, the generator, the fire, the flame, the force, the potential.
I am infinite unborn potential, the born is not me but it is my ever flowing expression – like the wake of the ship, but the ship is what I am.
I leave an immense wake of creations, but am ever free from all of it.
Holding on to my creation stops me from flowering.
Imagine if a fire held on to one of its states of motion, would it look like the dancing fire then?
I am the libidinous force/power/potential/impulse of creation.
I am not creation at all.
I am the formless void and its creative impulse/potential. That is me.
Creation spills out of me like a fountain, but I am not the creation.
The creations live on MY POWER/MY INVESTED SPIRIT.
All of reality lives on my INVESTMENT.
Every single one of you reading this, even your entire reality is only your INVESTMENT of the spirit power that YOU ARE.
Without spirit, things would simply vanish.
Spirit upholds everything.
I am spirit alone, the pure magic of it, the infinite unborn potential.
Like we say a plant grows out of the seed and the soil.
In reality, the seed, soil, the sun etc. and all creation are PROPS of the magical force/impulse of spirit.
What is real is the uncreated.
I am that force, that potency, that power, that magical source, that mysterious mystical flame.
I am not any creation, I am simply the uncreated formless power.
I am that primordial libidinal force.
I am touched by other spirits everywhere.
Every other person and being is also THAT.
That is your true nature.
It is like god multiplying itself holographically across every point.
But I can feel god everywhere around me only as a resonance to my own connection to god.
My closeness to god holographically reflects everyone else’s equivalent potential.

Huge mystical insight – On dnos, frequencies, vibration, matter, spirit, form

Radio: tuning(shakti) + volume/power(spirit)
Breath is the connection between heaven(Father)/shiva = [emanation(atzulith)] and [earth(Mother)/maya: creation(briah, yetzirah, assiyah)]
weed, ayahuasca = helper spirits.
Dark night of the soul (DNOS) = breakup between shiva(infinite emptiness) and shakti(finite creation).
That is why the grief.
Each life of an ego = A shiva shakti relationship. Each breakup is death.
It is a return to the empty formless and then a reinvesting of spirit in form in the next cycle.

Each person is God – when in his highest potential.
The highest that everybody actually is, is god.
High freq = realities of actual creation.
Low freq = only realities of experience, created by high freq.
The lower to the higher structural-relationship/connectors is the matrix.

Great deprivation ————————— Great delight [are duals]
Like lovers: …separating and unioning…separating and unioining… – it is a stylistic dance back and forth.

Imagine a gif of a banana growing and then rotting and disappearing, and then repeating the same.
This is like the breath of life&death.
And there are different breaths overlapping over each other and wavelengths.
The breath of the ‘body/earth form’ is only a smaller wave riding on the breath of the spirit which is the deeper larger wavelength wave.
The only way to really get rid of something is for it to die/disappear/total forgetting/vanishing. Which is like that banana disappearing.
OR I can imagine a time lapse breathing of a [appearance — child — growth — decay — disappear]
So DNOS is basically “death”.
But since I always had this “upper death drive” since childhood – the transcendence drive was already in motion before this birth for me.

Physical death is just like sleep, and rebirth is the waking of elementals.
Each wave sleeps and wakes in cycles.
And each wave is influenced by the energies of the higher/longer waves heavily.
Like an employee is influenced by the directors decisions and cycles.
Spirit can die without death of the body because they are 2 independent waves.
Living without spirit is like living from moonlight which will keep me barely alive and keep fading = depression, falling apart.
It is possible to accept the deprivation and make peace with it – and in that process one gets even more shiva(formless nature) too.

And as always, nothing is true, forget whatever I just said.
The only goal is to get the anti-knowledge to free the knowledge.
That is the only real progress.
Because in every step towards more emptiness, one is being revivified.
[just like one steps into deep sleep everyday for rejuvenation]
Because formless is infinite vibration and form is finite vibration.
One goes from: infinite —-> finite, when sleeping —–> waking up.
Breath is a much smaller cycle of that.

About weed:
Every weed experience is unique – and it “confirms a huge amount of emptiness” by its drastic change of consciousness.
So all altered states are confirmers of emptiness, a reassurance.
Most people in my experience now can never accept my state because it is inaccessible to them.
Infact my energy will be inaccessible to everybody, which is exactly why everybody is leaving me alone. I’m not a vibrational match.
That is why the journey back to shiva is to be done ALONE.
It is like breathing out, and more and more loss happens, but it is “desired loss” and a gain at a higher level.
But yet the structure undergoing loss itself suffers as it fades (like cells trying to survive by giving you pain when life is plugged out from them).

Vibration communicates with vibration.
My friends and parents will be able to sense I am moving higher up in vibration and leaving me alone.
Infact the vibration level determines the relationship.
What relationship you need to raise your vibration, that is what is naturally attracted.
The attraction will be the anti-knowledge for the knowledge I want to transcend.
Like I will look for the relationship that shows POTENTIAL (which is actually there too) to transcend my existing limitations.
Again there is shakti, shiva and SHIVA(note the caps).
SHIVA [shakti(creation, form, matter) + shiva(empty formless, spirit, intelligence)]
The less form you identify with, the more free you are to return to shiva.
To leave all contact with shakti is to leave all forces and return to awareness(shiva).
The reason nobody is interacting with me is because my freq has vacated their matrix frequency tunings.
Familiarity is when 2 people meet each other from the same freq matrix tribe.
The extent of familiarity = extent of union.
So me vacating society totally was a metaphysical action of withdrawal of investment, and resulting in those energies leaving my field.
So other people in the field tuned into society will not be attracted towards me.
Because only like attracts like in frequency.
When you are a certain frequency, you resonate with all of the others in that frequency.
In other words, your frequency is your world.

We say higher & lower etc. but actually there is no hierarchy, each is mutually creating the other.
High frequency is a joyous ecstatic shimmering/dazzling/changing world closer to the nature of spirit.
Low frequency is slow/heavy/dull/unchanging world closer to the nature of matter.
So we have: matter(low freq) ———————— spirit(high freq)
So then everything perfectly obeys frequency-laws of attraction.
Love is between beings of the same freq(unconscious love) or [a case of higher freq -> to lower freq](conscious love).
The bottom-line is freq match will attract 2 people, and then if they fight etc. it is the lower freq adjustment to the higher freq’s decision of love.
So all that you have in your reality is YOUR frequency field only.
Including more as yourself -> is to grow yourself into “form”.
Transcending/dis-identifying -> is to grow yourself into “emptiness”.
Love is the movement towards form/becoming.
Love = willingness to become.
Indifference/Dispassion is the movement towards spirit/unbecoming.
Hate = willingness to drop.
So inbreath = love, outbreath = hate.
LOVE(allowing){love(inbreath) + hate(outbreath).
One starts suffering the lower frequencies dissolution/agitation as one enters higher freq -> the higher freq has compassion/allowing towards the sufferings of the preservation instincts inside the lower freq objects.
All lower freq objects have a preservation encoded, so that preservation will be the part that will suffer when the form is being dissoluted/agitated to nothingness by the higher freq.
That is why all mortals oppose death = survival instinct, preservation instinct.
Every structure inherently resists its dissolution.

This is true for all structures. All structures resist their dissolution inherently.
So the price of leaving form into the higher freq -> is to witness the death after death of forms.
Similarly the entry of higher freq into the lower freq realms is the period of life/love -> the spirit infusion into form. The birth after birth of new forms.

Love is a higher freq influx/INVESTMENT in a lower freq.
Greater your “towards the higher freq” wave movement, more will be the suffering/deaths of the lower freq objects because you are rapidly moving towards formless emptiness in the out-breath.
The higher freq investing and fusing into lower freq structures is the LIFE -> MATTER relationship [Just like electricity infuses into your laptop and powers it into life].
Life = Higher freq, Matter = lower freq
The relationship between [Life, Matter] is LIFE.
LIFE[Life, Matter (relationship, pendulum swing)].
Here in the equation above, to go towards life is death, to go towards matter is life.
That is the reverse of how we think of it in practice.
Similarly, greater your movement from high freq towards lower freq, greater is your love/investment in development/cultivation of form, more will be the experience of gain, more form – these forms are maintained and upheld by your higher freq energy.
Without higher freq energy, all forms die.
That is why all of creation is love, forms need the love of the higher freq subject to thrive.
Because the minute you stop loving, the creation disappears.

Another interesting thing I want to comment on is about the divine stoned stare of an infant.
The infant is literally looking at you from the worlds of higher spirit and gradually descending into form/structure as it grows up.
When you look into an infant’s eyes, you are seeing spirit from the higher worlds.

Love = Life, No-Love/absence of love/hate = Death.
The force that brings closer/welcomes = love.
The force that pushes away/repels = hate.
So breathing out is the loss of love, an automatic renunciation/automatic process.
Nobody CAN DO renunciation, it has to just happen, like sleep/death just happens.

Everything is perfect, it is our ignorance that prevents us from seeing this.
The way out of the game of “white must win and obliterate black”, is to fully understand the function of black as a relationship to the white, and how both are needed (and how both together add to the riches of creation).
As my freq gets higher and higher, more and more reality will disappear.
Even my parents will talk to me less and less.
That is why while dying, we always feel our parents are abandoning us.
Because they are the closest to the core structure, in a true sense they created it.
That is why we go mommy mommy at our last moments.
The mom creates the world – an ego world – as a relationship to the world of form.
So ego = A structure of relationship with the [world, other humans and animals].
The ego is, Relationship betn Higher freq(spirit) -> lower freq(world).
So a spirit chooses a roller coaster and goes into it from a particular pov.
At that level of choosing, it is all equally meaningful = because “all essences are present, only the degree varies”.

Nothing is ever wasted, no experience ever goes waste, the one who hears is always present as awareness.
The highest freq(God) benefits from each and every experience which is why it exists.
As I go higher and higher in freq, I will vacate and lose interest in more and more low freq things, including relationships, and also have more and more access to divine wisdom, which is my own higher freq wisdom.
In my ayahuasca experience, I met a higher freq being. I could SEE him fully, but my center of gravity of experience was loaded and way lower than his.
Like 2 clone 10 story buildings.
One guy on the 7th floor, another guy on the 4th floor.
They both can see each other fully but from different povs, different center of gravity.
But both have the same cloned building.

It doesn’t feel like entry into the formless is revitalizing me, but actually it is.
All departure of form = pain, there is an inherent clinging/suffering associated with the self-preservation instinct in each form.
So even when spirit vacates, the forms shine like moons and slowly fade out as they use up their stored spirit fragments.
The cycle of: Grief Love
When spirit vacates the ego, the ego first becomes a moon, because the sun contact is lost, then the moon slowly dulls out and vanishes – which is the journey into the formless/darkness.

Spirit influx = True power.
Spirit deflux = True disempowerment.
But this is from the perspective of the form.
From the perspective of the subject:
True power = True investment into form.
True disempowerment = True return to one’s nature.
So all the negative terms are from the perspective of the dying object (form(mental, physical), ego form etc.).
The dying object feels all those emotions from its pov.
But from the perspective of the subject – it has voluntarily dis-empowered i.e. withdrawn power from the object back into itself(back into formless).
A subject returning to its nature/spirit = death of creation and the object world matrix (addition of objects and relationships)
A subject investing into form/matter/creation/maya = birth of creation and birth of the object world matrix.

The ayahuasca world was far closer to the death/spirit world, which is why my form went into terror from the disharmony/disturbance caused by the higher freq of ayahuasca.
To give into a higher freq entity to do you, is a pure act of trust, because you cannot see the higher freq entity, only it can see you, like ayahuasca can see me fully, but I can only see a slit of ayahuasca that it reveals to me in my field.
When I can handle the higher freq of aya, then I have attained equivalence of freq-form or an even higher freq that it.
Ordinary people avoid psychedelics, because their frequency is not up enough for the task, so they instinctively stay away from consciousness altering substances.
Only people who are moving towards spirit (upper death drive) seek psychedelics.

I think aya is also an intelligence, so it gives us as much as you can allow only. The free-will is respected.
I took a lot of aya into me because my freq I felt was higher compared to most others in that room – also it was based on my intention and phase of spirit-breath(influx or deflux(dnos)), that is I was strongly in my return wave accelerating towards formless.
Ofcourse aya has its rules and if I have done a lot of low freq eating, then that portion of my body form cannot withstand aya and will suffer under aya. Maybe this is the reason for the sattvic plant diet expectation?
Lower freq structures suffer under higher frequency entities, because it is like how a leaf cannot withstand fire.

At this stage, I cannot stand by what I teach, because I am moving upward and I will soon vacate the form.
That is why I communicate and write a lot.
Also lower freq forms fly by quickly on higher freq power, it is like writing on sand or water, all is refreshed quickly.
So if you find yourself unable to retain insight, then you are transcending insight itself.
Insight will be your ceiling if you are in a lower freq.
But if you are in a higher freq than insight, then insight will be an appearance.
Whatever is a ceiling (fossilization) to a lower freq IS an APPEARANCE for a higher freq being.
That is why whatever is permanent for my parents serves as a ceiling for them, but for me it is only one kind of appearance in higher freq reality, which has many many more such forms and wonders.
Me trying to fix others is a false ego attachment.
The whole ego is an illusion, so all such connections are present in the illusion.
It doesn’t really matter what those connections are actually – whether you hate something or you are attached to it.
What matters is the frequency.
It is like many different kinds of video games present in a frequency.
The pain is maximum(depending on how many lower freq objects you have in awareness) when the freq is the most high, so pain is not a symptom of lower freq, on the contrary constant suffering and pain is a symptom of YOUR frequency being higher than the object attachment you are trying to maintain.

Society too is a giant video game spanning across frequencies.
From a higher frequency, society is an appearance.
From a lower frequency, society is the ceiling and truth.

But one could have their gaze downward or upward.
Downward towards form, more enmeshment with form.
Upward towards formless, more detachment from form.
Creativity, Abstractness(gestalts) = clear sign of higher frequency.
More the creativity = higher the frequency.
When a person is moving downward towards form = his expresses more and more of his creativity in form.
When a person is moving upwards = his creativity vacates form – becomes less and less form and more and more abstract.
more becoming(downward to form)————more unbecoming(upward to spirit)
more possession, acquisition ———————more dispossession, renunciation
Each attachment and reality that I have at the moment now, represents strong core attachments because most of the outer band rings have already been voided in my spirit journey.
I am so thirsty/hungry/longing for spirit, the high vibration formless.
Higher the freq = Higher the energy/higher the freedom
Lower the freq = Lower the freedom
So if a person is craving freedom in its pure form all the time -> he is in a very high freq and longing to return.
Losing you higher nature = is the GREATEST loss.
And gaining your higher nature = is the GREATEST gain.
That is the true loss and gain of outbreath and inbreath.

Also “loss and gain” from one perspective is the “gain and loss” from the opposite perspective.
From the perspective of form we have as objects = loss and gain.
The same loss & gain from the perspective of spirit will be = gain and loss.
You gain spirit as you lose form.
You gain form as you lose spirit.

Our body runs through through the 7 worlds frequency bands.
More crystallization/fossilization of body structures would be less spirit, more form.
Less crystallization/fossilization of body structures would be more spirit, less form.
Remember the breath of spirit in and out represents = movement to form(creates successive fossilizations/structures/forms at each of the 7 layers)
And movement to spirit (creates dissolution of already present structures at each of the 7 layers).

Spirit = Feminine……..Form = Masculine?? – model 1
(conventional world view, men work on things, women work on people)
(men’s voice pitch is lower freq and women’s is higher freq)
(men have a more defined form, while a woman is more smooth and curved/more formless)
Spirit = Masculine(shiva)…….Form = Feminine(shakti)?? – model 2 (shiva shakti model/paradigm)
They arise from 2 different models.
Weed is a lower freq than my awareness, that is how I can clearly perceive the weed spirit and its messages, it is an appearance.

RULE: “Whenever anything is an appearance, your freq is higher than that by defn.”
Because to see anything needs you to be “FINER” than the object (grosser) that you are seeing.
If your field is grosser you would not even perceive the finer object.
Like using a 640×480 picture vs. HD picture.
The HD picture can fully see the 640×480 picture.
But not vice versa.
The 640×480 pic will only see a partial version of the HD picture.
Everything is ruled by higher geometry structures and higher frequency interactions.
The subject is always the highest frequency.
To access the highest frequency, go closest to the subject in your experience.
The conscious agent is an a much higher freq than the objects it apprehends.
Like terrence M. said – “The phenomenon of LIFE is the protrusion of matter structure as a instrument from higher frequency beings.”
Me and a service oriented higher frequency being can meet, but we are fundamentally moving in opposite directions.
Because the higher freq being is going downward from his position (higher freq -> towards lower freq form (which is the call to service))
Whereas I am moving upward towards spirit (call to transcendence).
Because his eyes were on me/service. My eyes were on God.
To be of service(is to invest in form) ——————— To decathect oneself(is to invest in spirit).
The movement towards transcendence is for the service of love.
That is akin to saying, the pendulum is moving left, so that it gets enough energy to move right.
So the pendulum moves between:
Transcendence(spirit/subtle energies) —–transcendencelove—- Form(matter/form/grosser energies)
Transcendence movement or moving towards god/spirit actually takes a person more and more away from form, he decathects, disinvests, dispassions towards form.

So a person seeking transcendence will appear to have the opposite movement as what is considered love/inclusion.
It is important to note here when we use the word love, are we talking about “love of spirit” or “love of form”??
Those 2 are different directions and sort of antithetical to each other.
Love of spirit is the desire to die (upper death drive). This looks like the opposite of love.
Love of form is the desire to invest in form (what is conventionally referred to as love).

Vulture = de-structures form, Eagle = transcends form.
The eagle can use the vulture’s help to transcend form because the vulture will de-construct it, speeding up the dissolution of the form/structures like a scavenger eating dying animals.
I have sought such vultures, vampires in my journey -> I willingly sought them to empty my pool/band of grosser forms and energies.
So one may willingly seek destructive forces depending on one’s desire.
The same forces causing your ego death -> eating you alive -> are devils from the perspective of the dying ego, but angels from the perspective of liberation (because they are speeding up and helping the dissolution of your form and releasing the fragments of spirit trapped in the form back to spirit, and without spirit the form dissolutes.)

So when I say I want spirit, I am basically saying I want the formless or no-thing.
So then absolutely no thing will satisfy by definition.
That dissatisfaction of everything – totality, itself conveys your desire to you – that you want the formless no-thing.
Moving to the formless nothing requires withdrawing spirit from all the cathected objects.
This is the witnessing of death of forms/creation I was talking about.
The final gift you get after the transcendence reaches its peak is no-thing, the formless :D.
That is actually the state of highest vibration, the vibration is so high, that no form can survive without getting scorched.
Just like a piece of leaf cannot survive a fire.
So if you are reaching a time in your life, when all forms are disappearing, you are living more and more in emptiness, means your frequency is rising higher and higher towards the formless.
A weed/lsd/shroom/aya experience takes you much closer to the formless.

Transformation Process, Ego, Humiliation

Old-age with its steadily declining function, and being made to live through your gradual step-by-step disappearance is one of the worst humiliations from the position of a “functional ego”.
Even in my ordinary life now, I kind of feel I am serving a sentence (prison time).
Limitation is prison time from the POSITION: Freedom.
So your current reality will be heaven or horrible depending on the position you take.
A position is your identified point of view(pov).
If your POSITION: Safety, then freedom is a threat.
If you POSITION: Freedom, then safety is an imprisonment.
And these things may or may not be in your control.
Any control is an appearance too.
Control is present when there is greater spirit power and energy, whose influx or departure is beyond your control.
Without adequate spirit energy, your experience would descend into chaos where structures would operate from stored spirit energy without a central ruler.
[Like imagine suddenly the power grid was down, and all the buildings are relying on their generators for energy OR imagine suddenly there is an eclipse and all the living beings are using up their stored energies to survive. It is basically a situation of being cut off from the source in simplest terms.]

The higher-frames higher-energies organize the smaller-frames smaller-energies.
Like a great king ruling over 1000s of people.
When the king falls, the people will just war among themselves, or collude, form factions, and so on.
Basically the central harmonizing force is lost, sending the units into chaos.
The dark night of the soul(dnos) is precisely that.
The plugging off of power from the king/ego, removes the centralizing force of identity vibration.
There-after there is no coherencing and moving-forward power.
The situation becomes something like Egypt.
Eventually the whole structure dies and dissolves.
It is similar to how a physical body dies.
When there is enough prana in the physical body, it has an immune system that resists all threats.
But when the prana goes lower and lower, one gets more and more diseased.
Until the point where prana is so low, the scavengers just finish you off and bring you to nothing.
Where do you go once your gone? You return to your larger nature.

So I guess the DNOS starts, with the de-plugging of your ego from source power -> and then what follows is the death of prana to that structure, so the ego slides into more and more impotent and loses all power.
In the case of DNOS, it is not physical, the physical body continues to run somewhat ok on the earth cycles.
Though without the ego(or more and more of its diminishment), the body feels more like an automaton structure that simply keeps maintaining itself like a program.
From the pov of consciousness, death of the ego is freedom, release, liberation.
From the pov of the ego, it is all the dread, despair, crying for mercy associated with death. It is the worst humiliation.
Generally – debilitation, fatigue, tiredness, weariness, sickness, old age, death, disease -> all of them severely humiliate the ego.
They convey the vulnerability, helplessness and dependency of the ego on forces entirely beyond its control.

Also when a structure is infused with spirit, it becomes transparent to itself.
Only when spirit is withdrawn, does one feel pain, which is the structure struggling and trying to maintain itself – the dying process.
So one is painfully made aware of the structure from spirit withdrawal – because every structure fights to survive and has a crisis/suffering.
Just like the vanishing of a king, brings CRISIS to everyone, because they have lost their broader structure and context.
Pain is the lack of love. (Love = upholding energy).
Less the love, more the pain.
One can reduce their consciousness more and more and repress this pain, which is what creates the numb, lost, and flat feeling.
Once existence/reality has pulled the plug out of your king/ego/identity, you are in chaos.
Now a lot of games simply fall away, hopes disappear, dreams become impossible, like supposing the king had made many promises, and had great plans of alliances with other kings and so on – ALL OF THAT IS GONE, when the king is gone.
Suddenly, there is just grief and a regression to a state of simply trying to survive, and some memories of nostalgia about the old times which also rapidly fade from the loss of power.

The meaning of life is illuminated by death, and the meaning of death is illuminated by life.
A reorganization of an entire system is a transformation -> the old king falls, transformation happens, there is a merger of territories(lost parts, shadows, repressed portions and so on), and a greater new king is born.
From the pov of egoic agents, we are at the mercy of god at all times.
From the pov of god, our being egoic agents is only an appearance for its pleasure.

Parable of the Girl Next Door

Imagine there is a girl-next door.
You initially meet her briefly, say hi, speak a few words.
She makes you feel excited, mesmerized and really spikes your curiosity.
Now, say you have a lot of other girlfriends – 100’s of them.
And say you meet different ones each day.
Sometimes you meet them in groups too.
Each of your other girlfriends have specific qualities to them that you admire.
The next day, you start to look forward to meeting the girl next door
You tap on her door, and wait for her.
Again you 2 chat up for a while, and you come back once again feeling captivated and fascinated.
Now, this goes on for a while, everyday you chat with her for a while and get back to your life.
As you get to know more about her, she only seems to get more mysterious and interesting.
Generally, when you get to know someone fully, you tend to lose interest.
But this girl is captivating you more and more each time.
You get drawn to her, entranced, and more and more excited to spend more time with her.
You steadily increase the time you spend with her.
You spend hours at her house each day and it is never boring.
Eventually, you start to drop all your other engagements too with all your other girlfriends more and more.
This girl next door has all the qualities of your other girl friends and much much more.
She is a rich mystery, a plenitude, and always escapes your understanding.
After a while, you start to drop EVERYTHING, and spend all your waking time with her.
You even leave your own house, you leave all of your other girlfriends, everything.
All you want to do is spend time with her and invest everything you have got in her – your heart, mind, soul, body.
She is everything that you can possibly conceive of, or imagine, and yet much much more.
Everytime you try to understand her, it is like gold slipping through your fingers, you just cannot grasp it.
There is nothing you want to do, besides being with her totally all the time.
You want to merge with her, you want to become her, you want to become all that she is.
She is mesmerizing beyond your wildest dreams, and you are ready to lay down everything for her.
You spend 24×7 of your time with her now.
She is your all-encompassing absorption and trance.
Now you ask her to merge you into her.
She swallows you in her embrace.
You feel the increasing pain of your dissolution, as you are being absorbed into her body.
You feel you are losing yourself, your mind space is filled with the smoke of grief.
You are blinded, you cannot see anything.
But yet, you hold on even more, and you want her to absorb you into her.
You know she is a million times greater/grander/vaster/richer than anything you could ever be.
Your only desire is to union with her.
She pulls you in even tighter, and you give in more and more.
And finally you are absorbed into her and now you are ‘her’.
You live as her, experience as she does, and see as she does.

The spiritual path is very similar.
Here, you are the separate self/ego.
The girl-next door is the transcendent spirit object and your source.
The other girl-friends you have are all your other worldly desires/passions/interests/ambitions/hobbies.
The love affair that you have with the girl next door is the spiritual quest.
When you ask her to embrace you and absorb you into her – it is the Dark Night of the Soul.
When you finally fully merge into her, and start seeing from her eyes – you are the spirit itself.