Tag: Life

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My experience of reality nowadays

I experience reality nowadays as a “changing/shifting ocean of sensation”.
In this ocean, various waves arise, from various apparent centers of consciousness that get formed, and various potentials are then available for various thoughts/feelings/emotions from these centers.
Another way to put it would be, my experience is like the movie “waking life”, i.e. like an endless moving lucid dream.
Another analogy would be, my experience is like a movie that is playing all the time, and I alternately engage with it in various ways, and then disengage in various ways, to come back and engage with…and so on.
I do not have much enduring identity day to day.
And my sadhana/effort is to return whatever remnant identity is there to the ocean.
I feel like I am a witness, that witnesses the whole changing ocean of relationship, where an “apparent I” and an “apparent world” appears and keeps shifting.
It always feels real in the moment, just like a dream feels real, but I also know that everything can change from my own memory of that happening a zillion times.

My experience is like the mantra AUM along with the pause.
Inbreath:
Pause = the recharge of inspiration/energy.
Drawing the formless/unmanifest to form/manifest potential.
Outbreath:
Expression in form/manifest.
Aaaaaa = Waking
Uuuuuu = Dreaming
mmmmmm = Sleep
Inbreath:
Pause = the recharge of energy.
…and so on.
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Sanity is relative

The concept of sanity is relative.
Relative to the:
1. Level of vision
2. Level of perception
4. Level of consciousness (LOC concept from David Hawkins)
5. Number/breadth/height of perspectives you can see
6. The dynamic range of perspectives you can hold at a time
7. The extent of your spatial vision
8. The extent of your temporal vision both forward (future) and backward (past)
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Reflections on my life experience now

wave

I am not able to understand anything totally.
All my ‘intellectual grasps’ are like views from high points of different waves arising in the ocean.
What is the ocean itself?
The more I inquire I see that I am not perception at all.
I am deep sleep itself, the cessation, the void, the unmanifest, from which manifest-conscious arises like a wave and passes back.

This is a time in my life where the ocean does not have any 1 continuous wave, but rather has 100s of waves arising and passing.
Each time, my “perception” arises out of the wave, as a relationship between the wave and the ocean, and then returns to the ocean in deep sleep again.
The ocean is the true fount of my creativity, it creates waves of creative-impulse/inspiration that rise up as manifest-consciousness and after that return to the unmanifest.
The wave is a new creative thought/form/relationship/connection/theme/frame/theory/idea/insight.

It seems like perception and separation are connected because perception is always a relationship.
No relationship = ONE = Union = No perception = A void.

I see a continuous BIPOLAR state in me:
Wildly and quickly oscillating, waxing-waning, coming-going, rising-falling, empowering-disempowering, bright-dark, energetic-dull, free-afflicted.
This strong cycling of dualities makes visible the emptiness and non-essence of all of it.
I am neither depressed nor happy, neither free nor afflicted, neither interested nor bored.
Each is a state of consciousness, a state of the wave’s relationship to the ocean.
When the ocean emits the wave = it creates the positive emotion from the wave’s point of view.
When the ocean pulls back the wave = it create the negative emotion from the wave’s point of view.

Essentially, it is the attachment to the ‘States of consciousness (SOCs)’ that is being tested.
The attachment results in [pleasure+fear] in the rise cycle, and [pain+longing] in the fall cycle.
I realize that my desire is for the WAVE itself and its point of view vs. flatlining into the ocean.
The waves/cycles have also been intense and narrow for me, which causes a mild psychosis like feeling.
The intense creative activity of mine is showing that I am operating very close to ocean.
That is why there is the constant alternation between the ‘end of me’ and the ‘me arising each time differently from a new inspiration’.
I have not had any continuous long-range inspiration at this stage of life nor in this life in general.

We move away from god/unmanifest in an inbreath – wave rising.
We move towards god/unmanifest in an outbreath – wave falling.
My life experience now is more like a series of short-waves, flutter breaths (rapid extremely shallow in-out breaths).
It is like like living 1000s of lives in one life, in very rapid cycles.

I realize my attachments are much more abstract than I thought.
I cling to the peaks of the cycle, and try to increase its dynamic range, i.e. I try to make the lights brighter, and the darks darker.
Each arising wave is like an upsurge of inspiration that separates me from the ocean and allows separation/perception/consciousness/relationship, which is what I desire.
This is my WILL to be, my WILL to exist, my WILL to rise and live as a wave.
So I then try to hold on to these inspirations as far as possible.
This is why there is this continuous clinging present.

It is like living a new character in a new movie everyday, and each time you continuously cling to the movie, because you do not want it to end.
It is like struggling to be born, because various desires push our a wave of birth/inspiration, but they only last a day at most and return to the ocean.
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Memory creation and fading

As life moves, there are various possibilities:
Inbreath stage: Sunrise: Childhood
1. New memories are made much more rapidly, than the fading of the old memories = birth, becoming, forming, progress, ascent.
Holding stage: Daytime: Adulthood
2. New memories are made at the same rate, as the fading of old memories = balance, plateau, steadiness, refinement.
Outbreath stage: Sunset
3. New memories are made at a much slower rate, while fading of old memories is happening rapidly = ripening, descent, reverie, nostalgia, retreat.
Vacuum stage: Nighttime
4. Neither is any new memory formed, nor is any old memory faded = Statis, Sleep, Death, total withdrawal.

It swings like a pendulum:
Losses ——|—— Gains
Death ——|——- Life
Dissolution —-|—- Formation
Sleep —–|—– Waking
Nighttime —-|—- Daytime
Outbreath —-|—- Inbreath

This is the life cycle that can be seen at all scales of form:
Like look at a banana. A time lapse of its life.
As it [emerges, becomes full size, ripens, rots].
Even the process of digestion mirrors this pattern.
[intake, break down, extraction, excretion]
Every birth-death is a cycle.

Now the question would be, if this is all a cycle, it is zero sum, what is the gain?
Yes, a cycle by itself is 0 sum.
The logic here is, the gain derived from living through any cycle always lies beyond the cycle.
The part of you that is beyond this cycle, that is the part that gains from the cycle.
The gain lies not in the cycle, but beyond it.
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Core beliefs and the 4 responses

Core beliefs:
# Is the world real and am I unreal? = Fawn response
# Am I real? and is the world unreal? = Fight response
# Are both me and the world unreal? and only something beyond is real? = Freeze response
# Are the world and me real, everything beyond that is unreal ? = Flight response
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Relationship between knowledge and experience

When, Knowledge > Experience:
The person may tend towards: arrogance, domination, control, imposition of will, conquest, achievement, ambition, demonstration of power.
The negative extreme of this case is “TYRANNY”.
The positive extreme of this case is a “MASTER”.
It is a case where conditioning + acquired knowledge > perception.
This is a stage of judgment, action, and works.
So then the result would be positive or negative depending on the conditioning.
Like most people in society will help a man who has slipped and fallen to stand up.
This is not necessarily because of true perception, but it is the general enculturation internalized knowledge that makes people act that way.

When, Experience > Knowledge:
The person becomes a seeker of knowledge and truth.
The negative extreme of this case is “PSYCHOSIS”.
The positive extreme of this case is a “SAINT/MYSTIC”.
It is the state of the child who learns by context, immersion, intensity, involvement, perfusion.
It is the state of a devotee and contemplation.
Contemplation on questions to ponder and wonder on.
Such a person is open, curious, innocent, and impressionable.
The seeking continues until the necessary awakening happens i.e. until the flowering of higher knowledge/wisdom/intelligence happens.
This is the stage of growth, development, and becoming.

This distinction is not about what is ‘better or worse’ or ‘good or bad’.
Rather, this comparison was only to illuminate the 2 aspects of the flux of existence.
Everyone passes through both these stages of evolution.
We know and do, then we see we don’t know and learn, then again we know and do, and so on.
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Parallels between life and dreams

I have had 1000s of lucid dreams in my life,
Some of my takeaways from these dream experiences are:
# If you control the dream strongly it will fade to black very soon.
Your lightest touch of will/intent/emotion will keep the dream running the longest.
# After it fades to black, you have to just relax into the darkness and stay still, and then after a while the next potential dream emerges out of it.
I have at max gone through 10+ dreams this way.
Where a dream happens – you control it gently – and then it fades to black – you then stay still in the blackness – and the next one emerges and once again you participate – and so on.
Maintaining the thread of awareness through a series of lucid dreams is a subtle art of delicate control that is so much in harmony, that it is almost like non-control.
Similarly it is also possible to lose yourself into a dream if you get too involved and thereby lose your lucidity and get absorbed into its themes, and this would end that series of lucid dreams.

I see many parallels between my waking life and my dream life.
In my everyday life, each time I get up, I am a new person, in a new context, in a new energy space, in a new frame of mind.
I feel pulls in various directions, either external or internal.
Then I respond to the pulls based on conditioning/habits/likes/intentions etc. and then as I give into one of them, I get engaged in various activities/research/exploration/learning/contemplations etc. and then the investment energy gently fades, and then I either subtly shift my theme of activity to another one OR I just go back into the space/womb/ocean of ‘superposition of possibilities/void/chaos of various pull and push pulsating forces(like the ocean water undulations)’.
Then some wind of inspiration EMERGES out of this ‘possibility chaos’ and then rises up like a wave and carries me in its perspective/vision/feelings/quests etc.
And once that wave completes, I once again return to the ‘oceanic chaos of possibilities’.
I feel this is so similar to my dream.
The fading to void is like returning to the “chaos of possibilities”.
And the emerging of the dream is like the waking interests arising in me that move me.

I experience boredom, as a resistance to that state of “primordial chaos of possibilities”.
It is the longing/attachment to inhabit the coherence of a wave moved by the whole ocean vs. just being in a state of aimless undulation moving back and forth in the same place.
This then led me into contemplating further.
What is death really? Is it not the fading of THIS dream?

The whole thing is fractal.
There are cycles within cycles within cycles, and so on.
There is an infinite nesting of contexts.
There are contexts inside contexts inside contexts, and so on.
There is a dream within a dream within a dream, and so on.
My early childhood life, school life, college life, work life etc. were like different dreams, within the larger dream of my identity dream (once I identified myself in the mirror and by name).
I could also divide it as: Childhood, Teenage years, Early adulthood, Middle adulthood etc.
And all of this is coming from my mind DREAMING all of this up RIGHT NOW.
This makes me wonder! What is this great dream we are in?
What am I outside of this dream of my identity?
Am I not the ocean itself? from where this dream of me arose?

Right now, I am riding this dream wave of writing this post.
At the end of this post, this wave would have gone back into the ocean.
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Madness is a distorted mirror

Madness is a distorted mirror.
For someone with a concrete identity, who is clearly identified with a specific structure of human experience and possibility, the mad person does not affect them much.
Because they do not identify with them at all.
We are not affected by things and people we do not identify with.
They see the mad person as totally separate from them.
However, for someone who is highly open, fluid, with vast vision and empathy, who recognizes in himself the potentials of the entire collective human consciousness itself, this witnessing of madness will hurt/pain a lot.
Because, here the deep visionary and empath can recognize himself in the mad person too.
It is like seeing a funky mirror at an amusement park, that distorts your face making your nose super large, eyes and chin super small etc.
For the person with a concrete identity, he just looks at it and flatly denies having anything to do with that reflection, he just says “this is not me”.
But for the deep visionary, it is trickier, because he is not identified with any fixed concrete identity as such, and sees himself with all possibilities of the collective consciousness.
So, when he sees the distorted mirror in the amusement park, he knows that, that is his face, a distorted version version of his original face.
The difference between the concrete person and the visionary is that, the concrete person believes the mad person is totally separate and has nothing to do with him, while the deep empath visionary can see the mad person IS HIM, in a greatly distorted form.
We are not affected by the things in which we cannot see ourselves in.
That is the root of empathy, is it not?
When your identity is sufficiently subtle, you see yourself in and as everyone and everything.

When you are young, you are mirrored in your mother’s and father’s image of you, which becomes your social identity (relational identity, ego).
If they mirror you in a seriously chaotic inconsistent mirror, then that becomes your “social identity/relational identity/ego”.
You are then never sure of your security, desirability, lovability, value etc.
Because the parent’s mad fluctuations keeps changing you from an angel to a devil randomly.
So then you start living in fear/anxiety all the time because you never know what wrong you have done, what punishment you are going to get, what expectation is going to be shoved on you etc.
They then keep you walking on eggshells all the time.
In order to adapt to those mad expectation projections on you from the parents, you have to keeping shaping yourself too accordingly.
So the end-result is, even your structure will mirror the mad parents.
The interesting thing to note here is that, madness at this intra-family level is only related to “inconsistency”.
A consistent interaction pattern no matter what it is, within the family, will be coherence and sanity. It may be totally mad with respect to the outside world however.
That is why the tyrant is a particular adaptation to madness, where he creates some arbitrary pattern and then stays ultra consistent in his investment to that, forcing others to abide by the same too, punishing them whenever they don’t.
A second adaptation to tolerate madness would be, to completely sacrifice yourself to the other and always changing yourself to match and harmonize with the changing random moods of the mad person.
The third adaptation I can think of is to completely isolate yourself, so that the self-other “painful difficult dynamic” can be totally avoided.
These 3 types of adaptation are essentially the: fight, fawn, flight responses.
If nothing works, and you are stuck in a inescapable situation, then the freeze response happens, where you lose consciousness of the entire self-other dynamic and float away in some out of body dissociated state.
At the societal level, the macrocosm mirrors the microcosm, that is:
The 4 categories of fight/fawn/flight/freeze form:
tyrants/followers/outcasts/hermits

The insight I get is: “People see me as they are, not as I am”.
But then it is also true that: “What I know as myself is only the internalized reflections from others”.
Because one cannot know oneself any more than a candle flame can burn itself.
So this is part of the “self-other” interdependent matrix.
Disharmony/Distortion/Projection = madness —vs— Harmony/Clarity/Independence = Sanity
Madness is always relative.
It is the discordant note in the symphony.
If you were born in a mad family, then the structures that you form mirror that circumstance and outcast/separate you too.
The same can be said about the parents themselves.
Maybe they themselves were the effect of mad circumstances.
So in this way, madness propagates itself in the genetic chain.

The way I deal with madness is, I work to transcend it.
By understanding the higher laws/dharma/truths beyond the madness, I work from that footing on fixing the madness in me and others.
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Living through the death process

dead_trees

WARNING: This is a somewhat serious and heavy post.
For the readers not interested in the topic of death, this can be skipped.

I am losing control.
I am losing my will-power.
I am dying, fading, receding, dissolving, falling into the ground,
Into a subconscious in-between state.
The state in-between:
# waking and sleep
# waking and dreaming
# life and death
# birth and death
# consciousness and unconsciousness

I am like a dying tree,
Who is in the hands of all of nature’s elements.
I cannot weather the elemental forces anymore.
I submit to them.
I submit to their destruction of me.
The wind blows off my leaves and branches.
Animals eats off whatever they want from me.
Insects feast on me from the outside.
Microorganisms eat me from within.
I am decomposing and falling into the ground of filth,
From where I sprang forth.
It is as if god has given permission to everything in nature to finish me off.
I stand back within this apocalypse and witness tides and tides of destruction, loss, and grief.
The loss of everything I have known.
The loss and destruction continuously happens.
The only function “I” perform with my will, is opening the valve just enough so that it is bearable.
Every-time I open the valve, more of my self is torched in the flame.
Facing death consciously is like facing endless loss and grief.
I know that death is be allowed.
But I am compassionate to the me that is dying,
As every identification is being decomposed, rotted, and reabsorbed.
The process is as pretty as witnessing a vegetable rot in time lapse.
Every death of every part, fills my space with its smoke of grief.
But I only get short breaks, before the next series of deaths start.

My “senses” are going weak.
I can sense/feel/perceive anything only with a lot of strain.
I have to expend a lot of effort to crystallize a momentary perception.
And if I keep doing that, then I will be sent back into a stupor from exhaustion.
My will has become so weak and feeble,
I have to let 95% of things just happen.
I can no longer control my thought and emotion.
I have lost the unity of body mind spirit.
Now they are all fragmented.
It is a descent into chaos like what happens to a kingdom when the king falls.
The various fragments pull and push at each other and scream at the death process, which pulls off their life supports and they all struggle to survive until they fade away.

My mind reacts to the dissolution with painful dreadful suffering visions and agonies,
Which immediately affect the body too with an assortment of painful hormones.
Death is something that is done to you, I am not doing anything.
In fact with the structural dissolution, my power to do decreases more and more.
All I can do with the me that is left is let it happen or resist it.
And resisting it only gives me short breaks.
The flood of the death process, cannot be dammed away for too long.
My motto is: To bear it and allow it as much as possible,
With minimum-damage and suffering, which is the only priority.
The challenge is to go through it with as much grace as you can muster.

Every structure resists death, every structure wants to live.
And so every dissolution of every structure suffers onto its own demise.
Birth and death are suffering.
The growing pains and the dying pains.
Creation is painful and destruction is painful.
There is no escape from pain and resistance.
There is a fundamental duality of:
Statis(inertia, death) ——- Movement(life)
So because the whole of existence/experience is a play of opposing forces,
Resistance as an experience is going to be felt no matter what.
If you sit still, your life force will push on you.
If you move, your inertia will drag on you.
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Desire as the root of consciousness/life/experience

Everything is dependent on desire.
Like you will work on relationships say, only if you desire relationship.
And only then does the whole structure of relationship etc. matter to you.
Else without that desire, the whole thing drops away and even falls out of consciousness/experience.
So desire drives consciousness.
Desire is the potential force that manifests consciousness.
It is this ‘desire’ that is called ‘love'(as I see it).
Total Non desire = No consciousness/No experience

And, there are infinite desires/desired possibilities, so this play of desire is what aligns you to structuring frameworks that shape you in their image (like being a body on earth bound by physical laws and body structure laws etc.), and consequently powers structures/investments/and their expansion into the larger structures with activities such like “aligning, harmonizing, changing” and so on.
If all I desire is source, then all other relationships/investments drop off.
The very consciousness of them drops off. Because consciousness needs desire.
The desires drop off not only from the investments, but from the structures themselves, and even from the larger structure creating mechanisms/matrixes themselves.
This can be seen as the moving away of desire from maya.
The relinquishing of desire from ALL of MAYA, draws all your desire back to its source, which ends desire, and also ends consciousness/experience itself.

This is the journey from: Jivaatma(Moon) —-to—– Paramatma(Sun)
To drop the accumulated-maya(karma) of the jivaatma and to get back its full merger into its source.
It may then emanate again as a fresh inspiration ray from the sun and once again participate in the grand maya matrix in a different role and different context.

Now a bit more about Maya:
Maya I see as multiple interlocking intertwined interdependent relational hierarchical heterarchical lattice matrix webs of patterning structures.
And these range all the way from the Grossest to the Subtlest.
Flouting those subtle energetic fields: brings instant resistance and pain – for e.g. in the social structure it is felt as being a misfit, awkwardness etc.
And in the physical world, you will injure your body if you flout the rules of the matrix of physical laws.
And fields inherently carry expectations(expectations first to BE and then the expectations to DO).
So say in the social world the individual people tuned into that field do not really exist, but are like bio-computers tuned to that field.
So the tyranny is from the field and the individual people tuned into that only execute it as its agents and appear as tangible feedback coming to you for the way you are and the way you act.
When something is loved, it is a blessing/treasure —else—– that very same thing is a oppression/prison/tyranny.

When one gets tired of ALL maya, the desire withdraws more and more from maya into subtler and subtler levels until the only desire is to return to the source. Then the desire is not for consciousness but for non-existence and a freedom from life itself. Because really you can have freedom from death only if you also have freedom from life also, because the 2 are simply dual pairs.