Tag: Life

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Depression and Anxiety are 2 sides of the same coin

My depression is of “the pain” of the past.
My anxiety is of “the expected pain” of the future.
They are both like 2 sides of the same coin.

Memory and Imagination work with each other, and go together
Depression is from memory.
Anxiety is from imagination.

Anxiety is from fear.
Depression is from pain.
Pain comes from memory.
Fear comes from imagination.

1. Anxiety is the fear of the possibility of “inevitable pain that will come from the past conditioning the future (that belief is the depression)”.
Anxiety is the fear that “the past is doomed to repeat (that belief is the depression)”.
2. Anxiety is the fear that “the future too will get poisoned by the past (that belief is the depression)”.
3. Anxiety is the fear that “the desires will never get fulfilled (that belief is the depression)”.
Anxiety is the reactivity to depression.
You see how intertwined and connected both of these are!

Now I mentioned 3 primary beliefs creating the weight of depression:
1. The past is doomed to repeat.
2. The future too will get poisoned by the past.
3. My desires will never get fulfilled.
Now, no experience can happen without there being some degree of truth to it.
The 3 points mentioned above are not just beliefs.
They also have some truth in it.
If there were no truth in the above 3 points, depression cannot exist at all.
They are not the whole truth but a good part of the truth.
In the sense:
1. Pain does exist.
2. Conditioning does perpetuate. There is definitely a drag.
3. Unrealistic desires do never actualize.

The truth is both: Pain and Possibility.
So depression happens when only one side of the truth is seen.
When one is submerged in the pain dimension.
It is a dissociation from possibility.
Similarly, overly unrealistically magical positive people may see only one side of the truth.
They dissociate from pain, and see possibilities that are all ungrounded.

Overly positive people (unrealistic positivity) live like ungrounded dissociated ghosts = live in strong rajas
Overly depressed people are inert like rocks = like in strong tamas
When rajas runs out, it falls into tamas.

There are so many interconnections.
Often a depressed person has at one time been overly positive magical and ambitious.
Since he has dissociated from the pain dimension, the pain part keeps building up, and finally breaks the threshold and forces its way into his awareness as pain.
Now the strength of his depression depends on how separated he was from his pain, and how far high up in the sky he flew.
Greater the height of flight, greater is the fall, and more painful is the fall, i.e. when gravity catches up and hurls him to the ground.
This impact may shatter the bird, and damage the power of possibility for that person.
This personal power then gets critically injured.

This extreme positivity, flight of fancy, wild imagination AND pain/depression are highly connected.
Greater the ignoring of the ground and gravity, harder is the fall.
Often the very depressed person, when given a drug that dissociates from pain (any pain killer aka. endorphin, opiate action), will cause him to fly away as high as he possibly can.
It is reactive.
But then the drug wears off, and once again there is a hard fall to the ground and its gravity pulling you back.
This then causes the cycle of addiction, and the cycle of pendulum like oscillation between the extremes.
Each extreme potentiates the other.
When crippled on the ground, the desire to fly is so intense.
When in the highest of flights, the fear of the ground is so great.

So there is a internal war,
A split in the psyche.
Between what is called “hard/sober reality” vs. “wild/flight/imagination”.
Until the person reconciles these 2 dualities,
The depression-elation alternation keeps playing out intensely.

Another paradox of depression is that,
Depressed people are often hyper ambitious with crazy and extreme ideals.
Depression is ultimately relative.
Only if you have a very strong desire for reality to be other than what it is, can you even be depressed at all.
Depression is from identification with the part of the psyche that wants to flee from itself.
This is often due to shame of being oneself (programmed in early childhood).
So it feels encumbered, burdened, and constantly weighed down and restricted by the part that is manifest.

Another clarification is needed.
When I speak about pain and possibility, pain is related to non-acceptance.
When fully accepted and owned, pain ceases to be pain.
Pain is pain only because of resistance.
So when pain is accepted, that is the end of pain.
Because the person hates themselves, their self causes pain.
If they completely own and accept themselves, there would be no pain.
So this again shows how interconnected and relative these terms are.

In the duality between: samsara —-and—– nirvana (note the smaller case alphabet),
Depression is from an attachment to the nirvanic side of life.
So the craving for nirvana, makes samsara depressing.
But real “NIRVANA” transcends both.
As long as you are attached to any one polarity, the other pole will keep restraining you, creating a constant tug of war in the psyche.
And it is also ignorance of the truth that the 2 poles go together, and one cannot be had without the other.
If you try to attach to samsara, an uneasy longing to break free will distress you.
If you try to attach to nirvana, then the pain of ‘samsara/cyclic existence’ will keep dragging you down.
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The self and other are interchangeable

There is self expansion.
And there is self contraction.
When the self expands,
You include the other as self.
When the self contracts,
What was self earlier is seen as an other.

This happens so many times in our day to day life.
What was once the most exciting thing,
After some time, once all the juice gets extracted,
The very same thing becomes a burden.
Maybe we explore a new philosophical system,
And then completely separate ourselves from that later.
All of these are cases where,
In the moment of expansion = we absorbed an other into self.
And in the moment of contraction = we detached a portion of self and made it an other.

We feel the body is self,
When we want to do so many things in the world with it.
But once we complete everything,
The body gets removed from the self,
and is seen as an other, as a kind of burden.
What was once an asset is seen as a liability.

So the implications are many.
One of them is that,
The way you treat others is eventually going to become the way you treat yourself.
This is because, initially the self is expanded, and its dominion is large (the others are far out).
But when the self contracts, what was once seen as self becomes the other, and you start treating that as such.
Your own body can become an other to you.

So the self-other is a changing dynamic,
Waxing and waning.
Expanding and contracting.
When contracted your aperture greatly shrinks.
When expanded your aperture greatly widens.
When expanded all that you thought was other becomes you.
When contracted all that you thought was you becomes an other.

That is why in profound lsd (or psychedelic) trips say,
Owing to the dramatic expansion of self/widening of aperture,
We start to connect with everything.
And similarly in our most contracted moods,
We see everything as a threatening or burdensome other,
Which might even include our entire body.
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Only the field exists, you do not

The whole unitive journey is about: becoming the field/surrendering/dissolving/merging into it totally.
Once united, what you are doing then, is what the field is doing.
And it does so automatically and effortlessly, of itself.

You are then simply in a state of absolute transparency, allowing, devotion, until you are not there at all, and only the field is.
RULE: “You are, when the field is not. When the field is, you are not”
So the field is not on your terms.
It is on its own terms.
The field is like the father who is driving.
The son/separate self is like the one with the toy steering that thinks he is driving.
The more ambitious the son, the more obviously he would realize that he was not in control and never was.

RULE: “Only the field exists, you do not exist.”
“You” are an illusion, stemming from ignorance.
There is a singular whole, and that is the only doer.
RULE: “The whole moves the whole, no part moves the whole, no part moves another part.”
RULE: “The same energy that makes the sun come up, the stars shine, the birds chirp, is the same energy that moves me and my experience.”
Relinquish all control and “let go/merge/unite/be/dissolve/align/drop/become one” with the field.
Only the field exists.
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The source of joy

The source of your joy is within yourself.
It can just be brought forth, if you feel you have permission/allowance from others and yourself(internalization of caregiver projected approved images), to be that way.
If you cannot allow yourself or give yourself permission to be like those who are joyful, then you choose between 2 possible responses:
# To resent, hate them, and bring them down
# To get inspired, be drawn to them, and uplift yourself.
In both cases, there is a relationship, between you and the other, be it positive relationship or negative relationship.
The way to transcend needing this relationship at all, is to find out what prevents you from being like them, and investigate that fully.
Those others who are a certain way, which you will not give yourself permission to be, ARE your own disowned potentials.
So then, naturally you will have a positive or negative relationship with your disowned potentials.
You cannot recognize someone unless you can perceive the potential they represent.
All recognition is that.
Look at all the people you hate.
Are they not essentially representing potentials that you will not allow in yourself?
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Fundamentals of existence: Form maintenance

FUNDAMENTAL OR BASIC CYCLIC BURDENS OF EXISTENCE:
*************************************************************
ELEMENTS:
***************
EARTH: Food -> Poo
WATER:
# Water -> Pee
# Sexual desire -> Release
AIR: Breathing In -> Breathing out
FIRE:
# Activity/Expression(physical(1c), sexual(2c), verbalizing(3c/5c), perception(4c/6c)) -> Rest/Sleep
# Mental learning -> Dreams; Novelty -> Rest
# Temperature: Hot (Fan) -> Cold (Jacket/Blanket)
OTHERS:
***************
HEALTH: Health -> Sickness (not a cycle really but it appears to alternate)
OTHER NEEDS: Clothing, Territory/Shelter
BODY MAINTENANCE:
# Toe Nails, Finger Nails, Head Hair, Beard(if male)
# Earth wash, Water wash, Wind wash, Fire wash.
RELATIONSHIP:
# At least one relationship to tune into (to harmonize the system).
# Relationship Alone time

This is the minimum it takes (acc. to me) to live, in this realm, in this form.
These are the basic requirements of this VR world which one cannot exit out of until its [time is over] or [transcended and mastered].

The cycles frequency(freq) and amplitude(amp) can be heightened or shortened:
# EARTH: If you eat more, you’ll poo more
# WATER:
If you drink more, you’ll pee more
If you indulge more in sexual desire projection and release more often, then it increases freq.
# AIR: If you breathe in more, you’ll breathe out more
# FIRE:
If you engage in more activity, then greater the rest period;
More the temperature variations, more the stimulation of metabolism.
Freq of Wash: Earth wash, Water wash (bath), Wind wash (standing in wind, fan), Fire wash
Freq of Hair and nail maintenance: Head hair, toe nails, finger nails, shaving.
Freq and amp(intensity) of: Relationship vs Alone time.
Freq and amp(intensity) of:
# Travel/Novelty vs. Home/Familiarity
# Learning/Exploring vs. Assimilation/Integration.
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More about me

I’m like an RPG character with very low health
So I keep dying zillions of times
But my superpower is infinite regeneration
I can keep coming back again and again

Sometimes I wonder, if all this is really real?
Or are all my experiences part of some dream in the afterlife, and if I am already dead?

People have ‘meaning crisis’ at rare times and it quickly passes away too.
For me it is the other way.
I always live in a perpetual meaning crisis.
For short bursts I have meaning.
In those times, I get ordered and happily pursue the goals that appear.
Then I fall back into nothing, and another spawn happens later.

That is where my endless creativity comes from,
From dying over and over again.
It is like living 1000’s of lives and characters rolled into a single one.
Living in a constant mystery day to day,
Like an endless fountain rising and falling.
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One pole is experienced from the other pole

Only a hellish human (internal condition) can experience heaven.
Only a heavenly human can experience hell.
Like how only a very hungry person enjoys food.
Your experience is the relationship between the polarities.
-ve -> +ve = heavenly experience.
+ve -> -ve = hellish experience.

Dualities/Polarities:
Pleasure pain
Ecstasy agony
Heaven hell
Security insecurity
Positive negative
Light darkness
Gratification torture
Power powerlessness
Strength weakness
Happiness grief
Gain loss
Healing injury
Attraction repulsion
Love hate
Joy suffering
Harmony chaos
Vitality depression
Comfort hardship
Exhuberance dullness
Ease disease
Rest unrest

Enjoy and ride each of these cycles.
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Yin and Yang of life and about myself

In the initial phase of our lives, we are totally yin (like sponge).
In the later phase of our lives, we become yang.
That is the transition.
That is the cycle:
# Absorption -> Emission.
# From taking -> to giving.
# We prepare to join society in the initial part of our lives. -> And then join society and yang in the next part of our life.
That is how society views us anyways from its perspective.
That is why it is set that:
# 0-25 = Education
# 25-60 = Work
[My body’s survival/thriving depends on all the physical forces.
My mental survival/thriving depends on all the mental forces.]

But what I have learned is beyond society -> And what I want to give is beyond society.
I work on enriching, illuminating, and healing souls.
About myself:
# During my yin = I have seen far more.
# And now in my yang = I want to give back far more than society can see.
I have always had ethereal vision -> and now I have the capacity for ethereal action.
My home element is “ETHER” = the world of imagination/magic/states of consciousness/vibes/music/feels.
The 5c circuit(from 8 circuit model of consciousness – Timothy Leary) was my starting and home.

My identity has always stayed transcendent of the 1st 4 circuits:
# Instinctive
# Dom-sub/pleasure-pain
# Mental(reality tunnels)
# Socio-sexual circuit
For me, my Yang was greatly suppressed in my interaction with society/world.
That is why I live like a hermit.
Because really I am a transformer.
And society is not exactly at a Renaissance to welcome me in -> It has from day 1 opposed me.
This is my deep breath(in and out) in this plane of existence on earth.
# A deep inbreath in the first part of my life until 31 (0-30 = 30 years)
# A full outbreath in the second part of my life until maybe my death at 80 (30-80 = 50 years)

The true situation I feel I am in is like:
# Life of a pi – Boy vs wild animals
# Country of the blind – Man with eyes vs. blind village
# Jungle book kind of situation – Mogli with the forest animals.
# I am legend – A single man surrounded by million zombies everywhere.
# Planet of the apes – The apes civilization dominating and marginalizing everyone else.
# Like members outside the Matrix – Morpheus, neo, trinity, and other crew members.
# Like Elsa in Frozen – Living in the ice palace far away.
These analogies are a bit exaggerated, but they help to convey the way I have always felt.

(c = chakra)
# My true identity = 7c = the potential/unmanifest field.
# My Yin = 6c perception = mother
# My Yang = 5c writing/speaking/sharing = father
I live in the supernal triad of the soul = I have always lived with great contact with soul consciousness.
The dark night of the soul is: Really my true identity in 7c bringing me back home to itself from being lost in the 6c imagination.

Whatever I present to society, must be on its terms, else its members will not take it, and may even attack/marginalize me.
I have no duty or anything towards society, that is all a lie told from society’s perspective which pulls all people by its strong gravity of guilt/responsibility etc. -> it is all lies.
The greatest gift I have to offer is my own vision, integration, and natural unfolding.
I will be a celebration of my own nature, and if society wants a part of it, I will joyfully share it.
Else I will happily live in a hermetic way till the end of my life.
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The concept of negative vision

There was a story I heard Sadhguru narrate, and that played a great role in helping me reach this insight.
The story goes like this:
There was once a man who was a painter.
He acquired some disease from which his vision started slowly deteriorating.
His friend asked him, “What will you do if your vision gets too bad to paint anymore?”
The painter answered, “I will continue to paint until I can see.
If my eye sight gets too bad, then hmm, I will become an art critic.”

This story is hilarious and has a lot of irony.
But it also contains profound wisdom in it.

Positive vision = Presence of presence
Negative vision = Presence of absence
Then the question would be: How can there be ‘presence of absence’ at all?
The answer to that would be: Right! Absence cannot exist.
Presence of absence is the absence of the presence of something else.
That is ‘negative vision’.

The algorithm is:
It is like if I present a variable X, to you.
You see it as “not A”, “not B”, “not C”, and so on.

Like if I show you a laptop:
With negative vision, you would see it as, not a desktop, not a tablet, not a TV, and so on.
But that would preclude you from seeing the laptop as it really is.
Another example would be, if I show you a pink bottle, the positive vision person would really experience the pink bottle as pink (as it is).
But the negative vision person would look at it and say, this is not blue, not red, not green, and so on.

Positive vision is to see how “‘this’ is ‘this'”.
Negative vision is to see how “‘this’ is ‘not that'”.
The ‘that’ here is a holding on to an ideal or structure from memory like a ghost image in your perception and then using that to not only obscure what really is, but it also actively resists what is.
Negative vision is a disease, because it is dis-ease, you resist what actually is, with what you are holding on to from your memory which imposes itself like a ghost image in your perception and creates the resistance.
You hold on to this memory ghost, impose it and obscure ‘what actually is’, and also actively resist ‘what actually is’ in the process.

This concept that I explained above, has DEEP PROFOUND implications in illuminating this in-articulatable disease we carry in our lives.
My own life is replete with zillions of examples, where I have seen things with negative vision.
How many times, have you perceived/experienced/seen your surroundings/yourself /others with negative vision?
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Our body is of the earth and belongs to the earth

The body has various cycles:
Input cycles:
# Hunger cycles = EARTH ELEMENT
# Thirst cycles = WATER ELEMENT
# Sleep cycles = ETHER ELEMENT
# [Sights, Sounds] consumption cycles = FIRE ELEMENT
# In-breath cycling = AIR ELEMENT
Output cycles:
# Poop cycles = EARTH ELEMENT
# Urine, Sexual cycles = WATER ELEMENT
# Exercise/Activity cycles = FIRE ELEMENT
# Out-breath cycling = AIR ELEMENT
# Waking state awareness cycles = ETHER ELEMENT
The elements part may not be exact, but I used my intuitive feel to arrive at them.

The body belongs to the earth, and is made up of the earth.
It is an organic machine, built from the elements of the earth, and on death, this entire body machine will be returned to the earth (which will cycle the elements back into itself).
The body emerges from the earth, gathers earth elements onto itself and grows, maintains and renews itself periodically from various elemental transactions with the earth, and then once its time is over, the earth reabsorbs the body back into itself.
The mothers womb provides the initial body as a template, that then separates from the mother, gathers on the elements (what we call growth), and then stabilizes itself in transaction with the elements of the earth.
“On death, the earth will take back the body, atom by atom” – Sadhguru
I have heard Sadhguru(Jaggi Vasudev) on Youtube speak about this topic many times, but only now I feel like I understand it more deeply.

So from the body’s perspective:
It cares about: food, water, sleep, sex, breathing, preservation.
Each of these activities give pleasure, but only as per the cycles.
The pleasure from the body is limited to the cycles only.
When you are hungry you can only eat until the hunger is satisfied, only till then will you get pleasure.
The same holds true for thirst, sex, and even the breath.
Breathing in is pleasure until you get full, breathing out is pleasure until you get empty.
Since all of the elemental transactions are in a cycle, neither can you preserve, nor can you indulge.
It is like your breath.
You can’t endlessly breathe in, neither can you endlessly breathe out.

In terms of source energy, the highest tangible conception of that for us, is the “Sun”.
But we can use only a fraction of that energy directly, and we need all its other stored forms available on earth to survive/thrive.
Sun -> Plants
Sun -> Plants -> Animals
Water -> stores the heat energy of the sun (else without the sun it would turn into ice).
And then we further cook the plant/animal material in fire, and then we have “energy and elements” in a form that we can easily consume.
The earth itself maintains its temperature from the sun.
The core of the earth is almost like a micro sun.
Human bodies are like the most developed neurons(brain nerve cells) of the earth.

Also with only one half of the earth facing the sun at any given point of time, and with the earth constantly rotating, it is always cycling through duality.
Though the sun(source) is ever present, ever radiant, it is eclipsed from influence and view during the night.
So I would think that is why, in the microcosm of our bodies too, we have the sleep and waking cycles which is a correlate to this macrocosmic duality.