All sadhana is preparation

All sadhana is preparation,
That is, it is the work towards creating the conditions,
For the opening to happen,
And for the bounty of life to be received.

In my understanding,

Karma = Work/Effort/Sadhana that leads you towards or further into bondage/illusion.
Kriya = Work/Effort/Sadhana that leads you towards liberation/freedom.

To be fully alive

Life is change.
All that does not change is dead.
So total change is total life.

To be fully alive,
Is to be like a fire,
That blazes, sparkles, and dazzles.
Everything you do must change everything,
So as to fall into endless transformation.

Whatever you do must be:
Towards what matters to you the most,
Towards what means the most to you,
Towards what you most deeply feel/desire/care about.

It must transform and change you fully from moment to moment.
Living in a way where the whole moves the whole.
Where all of you is free,
In full power, glory, and splendor.

Living every moment from the creativity,
Of ushering a whole new world at each moment.
Bringing/Gathering all of one at each moment,
Only to fire up and change it all up in the next.

What is health?

Health = ease, happiness, fascination, passion, wonder, focus, curiosity, joy, vigor, vitality, hope, independence, strength, power, capability, usefulness, freedom, lightness, robustness, stability, clarity, fearlessness.

The opposite of health = disease, sadness, weakness/infirmity, depression, lethargy, dullness, scattering, dependence, tiredness/fatigue, hopelessness, despair, futility, powerlessness, incapability, imprisonment, burden, vulnerability, instability, confusion, anxiety/fear.

Impermanence and Cyclicity

# Impermanence – removes the notion of ownership/possession.
# Cyclicity of the nature of time – removes the notion of progress/gain
So, it seems like both ownership and progress are temporary phenomena.

The greatest civilizations rose into order/glory and later fell into chaos/oblivion.
The pain and suffering in life I feel is caused by – Trying to maintain the permanency of our illusions while also trying to make them endlessly progress.

The forward moving tides initially greatly assist us in building whatever we want,
Then the same tides reverse their direction and oppose us until everything is brought to a halt.

Our so called free will seems to be at the mercy of these cyclic larger forces.
We can only have anything or dance according to the terms dictated by these forces.
Generally we try to oppose these forces tooth and nail,
But nature eventually wins and swallows us back into itself at death.
We can prolong our life by various clever strategies,
But eventually, some day, we are forced to yield to death.
And death acts in the same way to all.

Our life as an individual with freedom,
Seems to be a kind of gift or privilege,
Bestowed to us as a possibility by these larger forces.
But whatever is given is also taken away.

The only way out of this I see,
Is to voluntarily merge with the deeper reality,
And gradually transform our individual self in alignment to that.

Every gain is a loss, and every loss is a gain, depending on how you look at it.
‘Psychological meaning making’ is sort of an art.
We are then like artists,
Shaping our experience through every moment,
From wherever we are.

The cycling between the 2 ends of qualities.

Every quality seems to perpetuate itself,
Cycling between the 2 ends of its spectrum,
To create all of the experiences of itself.

It’s like every quality is its own dimension/flavor of experience.
Where the 2 opposites within that quality,
Create the experience spectrum of that quality itself.
Like: Sour ———— Sweet.
Those are the 2 ends of the spectrum of that ‘flavor dimension’.

Other instances:
# The therapist for others, later receives therapy for themselves.
# The one who save lives, later has their own life saved by others.
# The one who bullies, gets bullied later.
# The one who protects others, get protected.
# The one who hurts others, get hurt themselves.
# The one who cheats others, gets cheated over by others.
# The oppressed become the oppressor, then once again the oppressed, and so on.
# The loved one becomes the lover, and then consequently the loved again, and so on.
# The server becomes the served.
# The caretaker becomes the one cared for.
# The one who was subjected to tyranny, then becomes the tyrannizer.
# The one who wonders, makes wonderful things, and that leads to more wonder, and so on.
# The student eventually becomes the teacher.
# The disciple becomes the master.
# The helpful becomes the helpless who is helped.
# The powerful eventually become the powerless.
# The dutiful person, gets others to do their duty towards them too.

All of these things look to be cyclic.
There are these interminable causal cycling chains running from the past,
And thereby causing the current reality.

In general language, we treat the 2 opposites are 2 distinct things.
But actually in reality they are mutually creating each other,
Like how in a tapestry, the same thread runs up and down.
For example, take sadness/despair and joy/hope.
They are both mutually creating each other.
If you fully live through your sadness, you open the way to much more joy.
If you fully work through all of your pain, you pave the way to greater pleasure.

The current life seems like suddenly watching Season 5 Episode 3 of a Drama,
Without having seen any of the previous seasons and episodes.
However the general flavors of the serial can be perceived through any episode.

Each of our lives is like the continuation of one long saga,
From the big bang till today, and still playing out.
Each of us, are riders of eternity.

It is love that makes one seek knowledge at all.
Without love, why would you bother to seek knowledge at all?
So even ignorance itself shows a lack of love.

The reject first pattern – active vs passive approach

The active approach (in second person narration):
Whenever you want, you create/resurrect the relation,
Whenever you want, you terminate it.
You want the power to control/direct/create/destroy/determine relationships.
So that you are never in that position again,
Where you land up with rejection from the other side,
Without any power to make them want or desire you,
Where you are fully open, yet abandoned, 
Like what happened in childhood.
Because you were perceived to be unlikeable/unlovable/ugly/unworthy/disappointing?
So that you are never abandoned again without your control,
You do the reject-first strategy and do the abandonment preemptively by yourself.
In a way, you inflict the same punishment onto the other (and to yourself) that you felt was inflicted on you.
The reasoning is:
“If I expect that you will reject me, I’d rather reject first,
So that what is anyways inevitable is something I perform consciously,
Rather than it coming and hitting me from behind unexpectedly and shockingly out of the blue.
If I consciously expect it, and preemptively inflict it on myself and the other,
Then I will not get hurt again like that, and it’ll therefore be much less painful.”

So the guiding force of this behavior is a certainty wrt. the expectation of rejection/abandonment.
That is, of people ultimately being disappointed/angry/frustrated with you and leaving/abandoning you.

All of the above is the active approach.
But there is also a passive approach.
There are 2 strategies to deal with rejection, forming a polarity:
Passive —– Active
The active one seeks to start and end relations as per their own whim – seduce/idealize then devalue/abandon.
The passive one lives alone in receptivity, and let what comes come, and let what goes go.
He does not seek what he needs/desires/wants, but lets everything come to him by the other’s seeking of their needs/desires/wants.

It is like:
# The Bee —–vs—– the Flower.
# Power —–vs—- Receptivity.
# Male (or rejected female) —–vs—– Female (or male with suppressed/inhibited will)
# Outward looking eyes —–vs—– Inward looking eyes
# Extroverted consciousness —-vs—– Introverted consciousness
# Things will come to you if you seek for it —-vs—- Things will come to you by what you are.
# Projection —-vs—- Introjection (of the same essential rejection theme)
# I will use everything (appearance of selfishness)  —-vs—- I will get used by everything (appearance of selflessness)
# I am perfect, others must change —-vs—- I must change, others are perfect.
# Change the environment to suit you —vs—- Change the self to suit the environment.
# Inner rigidity, Outer mobility —-vs—– Inner mobility, Outer rigidity
# Borderline —-vs—— Narcissist
# Unconscious of self, Conscious of others —-vs—– Conscious of self, Unconscious of others.
# Controlling others, leaving self uninhibited —-vs—- Controlling one’s own desires, self inhibited.

Both are narcissistic wounds in essence and reactions to the same root condition:
# I will be what I am, not change anything, and rather search for the one who will love me unconditionally —-vs—- I am not good enough, and must make myself worthy, so that then everyone will come to me.
Both of these are opposite polarizations of the same theme, and therefore will tend to get attracted to each other and play out the dance.
The attraction is because of the same root similarity and resonance of the theme of rejection. 
They are just the 2 opposing ways of dealing with the same dilemma,
From the same magnet with its 2 opposite poles.

Every lifetime is like a skydive

Birth is like the start of a skydive,
The jumping off the plane.
Imagine there are some clouds that you first pass through.
Then just after that, one is overwhelmed, mesmerized, and stunned,
As the stunning vista becomes visible.

There is the feeling of falling at warp speed,
But the visuals look like everything is almost still,
With the earth inching towards you ever so slowly.
This is the time of great splendor of vision,
Where you see a bird’s eye view of all the possibilities.

While growing up we go through 3-4 stages of faster biological development.
-0.9-0 = Development in the womb (passing through the clouds)
0-7 = Physical development (grand vista first sight – 20s)
7-14 = Emotional/Sexual development (next 20s freefall)
14-21 = Intellectual development (next 20s freefall)
21-25 = Higher intellectual development (extra 10s of freefall)
So till the age of 25, we are on a magical ride of sort,
Hitting all the numerous developmental milestones.
The part from 0-25years of age I feel is like the free fall part of the skydive.

Then once we reach a lower altitude of around 5000ft,
The parachute is opened.
There is then a drastic reduction in speed,
Things slow down quite a bit,
And now we stabilize mentally and emotionally.
This parachute descent I feel is like the next phase of adulthood from 25-90.
Here the number of possibilities for our life has been narrowed down to a great extent.
We are fairly stable with a stable identity that moves us along through the rest of our life.

When the parachute comes fairly close to the ground,
We still don’t realize the reality of the ground.
It still looks like something unreal happening with toy buildings and toy cars put in place.
The reality of the ground suddenly hits when you are around 50ft above.
It is only then you realize, ‘Oh, this is for real!’.
On touchdown there is last run you do before coming to a full halt.

I feel this mimics the stage when we are close to death.
Death here is the ground.
The final 50ft descent and the touchdown run is the final drama of death.
Things once again get a bit dramatic in the last bit.

The absurdity of the ‘love yourself’ mantra

This is something that has perplexed me since childhood.
I’d keep hearing slogans like ‘be yourself’, ‘love yourself, ‘believe in yourself’, and so on.
I used to wonder, what is this self that they are referring to, while pointing at me.
Where is this self? What is it?
Is it my image of their idea of what I am, what I should be, or what I think they want me to be?
Is it my own image of what I am independent of them being around me?
But generally my own image of what I am, is heavily and actively conditioned/influenced by who is around me (in silent or talking level interaction with me) and the larger surroundings in that place.
Even if nobody is around me, my self is some sort of a more diffused response to the environment around me.

My general personality/disposition/investments/ways of thinking-perceiving-feeling etc. are part nature and part nurture.
I can recall an active self forming at the age of 6, then a more developed one at 11, and I think after the age of 28 it seems to have stabilized itself.
But what was that active self that first formed? What existed before the age 6?
It feels like I just emerged from a bunch of situations throughout early childhood.

Ok, then was I born a clean slate? – I don’t relate with that too.
I have no continuous memories of anything below the age 4-5, but I intuit I could have already had a seed with its potentials/proclivities/tendencies/patterns (what they call samkharas and vasanas in vedic literature).
So maybe the selves that formed through 6, 11, 20, 24, 28 etc. were different milestones where a distinctive evolving pattern emerged in my vibrating sands (like the sand patterns in Cymatics as the frequency is raised).
So my deeper self then could be my bio-memory embedded in the whole body (in its trillions of cells)? – Coming from my forefathers, ancestry, genetics, lineage.
That genetics could have passed on its own fantasies, ideals, projects, works, characteristics, goals, preoccupations etc. that I identify with or dis-identify with depending on my own past lives?
In my own past lives, again the same situation might have been there, of genetics, upbringing, conditioning, social environment (the yuga at that time) and its influence etc.
So it sort of loops on itself. When did it all start?

The dilemma is like, when you are a tree, you search for your source.
You find out, you grew from a seed.
But a seed cannot grow without the fertile ground.
So the ground is also responsible for the tree.
But that seed itself has come from a previous full grown tree (the past life), and so on.
It goes into an infinite regress loop.
My whole quest to find an independent self eludes me.
I just cannot grasp a ‘me’ that exists independently.

From my contemplation, I see none of any of this is me.
Because if I can perceive it as an object,
Then the me must be separate from the object right?!
The deeper I contemplate this, I realize that what I am is transcendent of language itself.
It is a transcendent dimension, what they call consciousness.

My understanding of ‘understanding’

The purpose of understanding I feel is to help you let go/digest/dissolve/transcend the thing. 
Otherwise the understanding is not taking you in the right direction, if it only increases the holding of it.
True solution is dissolution (David Hawkins).
I see understanding as the tool to catalyze the dissolution.
Understanding should carry you back to the state of wonder with greater fluidity and openness.

The body is an extension of the earth

The body belongs to the earth.
It is an extension of the earth.

Its life is heavily dependent on the conditions present on earth.
The earth-body is a singular system.
The body is what the earth puts out and then reabsorbs/recycles back into itself.
We cannot separate the body from the earth and take it away from it and still survive.

Even when traveling to space etc. we create incubator like setups,
Where we nevertheless still simulate a cocoon of earth like conditions.
So we are still bonded to the conditions on earth.
As a body we can never be free from earth.

Simulating earth like conditions and traveling outside does not make us free from earth.
That is like wanting to experience the Sahara desert, while sitting inside an airconditioned SUV.
We will only experience the same conditions that are anyways present on earth.
Generally we try to extend the possibilities of bodily experience as much as possible.
For instance the experience of 0 gravity, is essentially the experience of an extended free fall.
However it is not true adventure.
The body is still heavily limited to the needs and dependence on earth like conditions.

Identification with the body but no identification with the earth is ignorance.
From a larger perspective, the whole earth is our body.
Bondage to the body is bondage to earth itself.
Liberation from the body is liberation from earth itself.
Can you detach one of your fingers and have it live a life free from your body?
In a way, that is how we are bound to the conditions of earth.
That too, only certain regions of earth, that are hospitable and favorable to the body.
So in essence the body cannot be free from earth by its very nature.