Poetic reflections – Dark night of the soul


Photo credit: Todd Hito Photography

I feel remote, separate,
forlorn, far away, limbo-like,
deeply-lost, dis-connected,
so lonely, so alone, so solitary,
confined, isolated, deserted,
unrelatable, abandoned, darkness,
dread, trance, disparagement,
hopelessness, powerlessness, smallness,
deep sadness, grief, and emptiness.

I trudge and amble along
Faint reveries from the past bubble up in me
Time has slowed down to a crawl
I feel desolate and frozen
I feel my will and resolve weakening
Moods of despair thwart my movement
But I keep moving from the power of my faith

My body and soul are weary/enervated/sapped/drained
I drag my cross as I walk onward into the desert
My body is a bed of sensation and I acutely sense all of it
My body feels leaden/dead/heavy/old/saturnine/lethargic

I’m inside a glass cage
I cannot touch anyone and nobody can touch me
I walk into the foggy night praying for transformation
Anxieties, doubts, loneliness, confusions and fears are my frequent companions
They are my friends in this journey
I work with each of them patiently and with my highest compassion

My past is like a distant dream
What is ahead of me is a liminal frontier

Sensations, Psychological activity, and Integration

There are multiple sensations of chaos/pain -> simultaneously happening in:
1 – Sensation/physical reality
2 – Mind/psychological reality
One is not the cause of the other.
Rather both are simultaneous.
1 – Every sensation carries the potential for the psychological effects
2 – Psychological effects carry the potential for sensational effects.
[Sensation effects Psychological effects] = Are ONE, they come together
Focus shifts:
1 – However it is possible to focus on the sensation alone.
2 – OR It is possible to focus solely on psychological effects.
Generally the psychological reality is much more complex that the bare sensation and it can trigger a world of thoughts/memories.
1 – If one wants to rest, then it is possible to simply rest on sensation which by virtue of focus suspends the psychological animation/activity. [Depression – depression by itself is simply rest]
One then experiences only pure sensation with no interpretation.
2 – If one wants to delve into the psychological world of the sensations, then a channel of expression such as free-writing can reveal all the webs of meaning of potential opened up by the sensation.
Here one can get absorbed into all the narratives, stories, webs and principles.

‘Attention/Focus’ is what limits reality to one or the other.
Can one pay attention to the sensation and thought together?
Yes, to an extent, but there is a limitation here – it can tire you quickly.
As a rule:
1 – Divided attention tends to tire – because it takes a lot of energy.
2 – Single minded attention tends to relax – because it uses a much thinner stream of directed energy.
So interestingly, paying attention reduces energy expenditure since the reservoir of energy available is channeled.
That is how people can do focused work for many hours(one thing is relevant, rest is irrelevant), but when they are restless with nothing to do(all is relevant), they can get depleted very rapidly.
It is similar to a circuit.
– If the circuit is not properly closed, then the energy leaks in a lot of places.
– If it is fully closed, then energy is conserved.
The next question though will be about the focus structures themselves.
‘Focus structures’ are driven by desire.
But desire is usually shaped by self-concept/ego-concept structures created in the early years.
Then there is the deeper archetypal desires of your self/soul which are more global and abstract.
So generally again there is a dichotomy here:
1 – If your ego-concept aligns fairly well with your soul/deeper desire -> you function and explore happily within the structure of your ego in the world.
2 – If your ego-concept is distant from your soul desire (your true wisdom) -> the soul will drive most of the efforts into correcting that and seeking learning.

In point 2, that disharmony = pain, and this pain will drive you towards the task of acquiring the necessary understanding to bridge the gap that will integrate and reshape the self-concept.
In such a case, there may be a movement towards dissolution of structure and entering the deeper chaos (the chaos is from lack of conscious nurture) again to realign with your soul-potentials which were abandoned earlier.
Why is there a dissolution? – because probably the structure has already served its purpose and most of its potentials have been explored OR it could be from having many neglected potentials which were not included in your early structure, necessitating integration work via. intuiting of higher order principles as executive agents for the reassembly.

There is no karma/causation/history


The whole notion of there being an accumulation or karma – a storehouse of impressions – is this really true?
Isn’t it is a kind of dream or a kind of imagination?
Isn’t it a kind of dream that a person gravitates to, to find meaning in his life.
What if there is no storehouse, and it is all arising NOW as the emergence/unfolding of the ONE?
Is there really any HISTORY at all?
What if there is no such thing as history apart from an “Imagined history”?
What(the field?) is it that is dreaming up this world?

By imagined I don’t mean the part of imagination that you control consciously (working memory and conscious mind etc.).
I mean the whole that includes the entirety of the IMAGINAL SPACE including the parts that you cannot control but yet are you.

Control is not the only factor determining ownership.
You are both – what you can control and what you cannot control.
You are both – what is voluntary and what is involuntary.
You are the field, and that includes parts you can control and parts you cannot.

The “Small You” as you picture yourself, appears in this SPACE (this space is your context), and the “Real You” is this whole space/field.
You are the imagination of the the philosophers stone, and the philosophers stone appears to you in your imagination as an object (PARADOX).
Is it the same paradox as idol worship.
You see the ALL in the idol, so you are within the idol’s field and it is also true that the idol is an object within your field.
To solve this paradox, we have to understand the holographic nature of reality. We have to understand “mutually-dependent origination”(Buddhism) and the “Indra’s net concept”(Hinduism).
Every point is the whole and contains the whole.
1 – The drop contains the whole ocean
2 – And so does every other drop
3 – And each drop’s potential is reflected in each and every other drop
Contemplate on points 1, 2 and 3.
So you can see the whole from any point of view(pov).
Because every point contains ALL.
That is how one can have those mystical experiences we hear about from people on LSD such as “Seeing the entire universe in an ashtray etc. Other examples might be: Getting the experience of shiva through an idol OR Even seeing the whole universe reflected in the eyes of a lover.

I feel like then the idea of karma, and that one has to exhaust all their impressions and then reach a certain projected/”imaginal” state of peace/bliss/happiness/completion/enlightenment is a dream.
The greatest dream is the dream of pursuing enlightenment.
There is no karma at all.
There is no self or other at all.
There is only the unfoldment of the ONE/WHOLE.
There is no causation because there is no time(time is an appearance in imagination) and no separate objects(separation is an appearance in imagination(of the field)), for one to influence/affect or be the cause of the change of state in an other.
Nothing is substantial and nothing exists apart from the ONE/WHOLE.
No part exists independently from the whole, but rather each part is in-fact part is an appearance of the whole and sustained by the whole.

The whole field is animated by the divine point light like the projector ray of light which moves so fast it creates the illusion of an APPEARANCE/WORLD/CONTEXT/MAYA.
So as one increases one’s frequency of perception more and more, the transition that happens is like: Say you are looking at the TV, and the frequency of your eye keeps on increasing (to the level of a horse fly and greater), what would happen?
Eventually the persistence of vision (1/10th of a second normally) will decrease more and more, and you would start to see images flashing more and more rapidly. Soon the PICTURE would DISAPPEAR, and this is akin to the dissolution of the ILLUSION/MAYA.
Finally when your frequency is super high, you will just see the one point of light (which is actually responsibly for drawing the whole picture).
Now this persistence of vision is an analogy for your FREQUENCY OF VIBRATION.
Higher vibration beings see “what is objectively real for a lower vibrational being” as being only a possibility or an appearance.
What is real for a lower vibrational being is an appearance for a higher vibrational being.

A horse fly may be able to pass in and out of the spinning fan blades.
What looks like a circular solid object to you (fan blades when the fan is in full speed from persistence of vision), to the horse fly it just looks like 3 blades moving, and it can easily find the gap and pass in and out of the horizontal plane of the fan.
Similarly a higher vibration being can perform miracles simply because he sees all the gaps in the rock like illusion of a lower dimensional being.
He can easily see the whole structure of it and its pattern of unfoldment.

So I can say “PERSISTENCE OF VISION” = responsible for creating illusion/dream/maya/continuity. (metaphorically)

Another analogy would be, supposing you are watching a movie, and a character pushes another character and the other one falls down.
Now, from the screen’s point of view, did the 1st character pixels really CAUSE the 2nd character pixels to fall down or shift? OR was it all simply done by the screen?
The whole thing was an emanation from the whole screen, and no part in the screen was the cause of any other part’s movement or affect.

Hierarchy of nested contexts


There is no ONE physical world in our experiential reality.
This is more of an abstract idea or concept we sometimes hold in our minds.
In experiential reality however, there is no such ONE world.
Rather there are many many worlds appearing as a nested context hierarchy.
A common context is the commonality.
It conveys “We both are seeing and inhabiting the same world”.

Transcendence is to move from your current context to a higher context.
So there is infinite transcendence(s) as there are infinite nested context hierarchies.
For example: From a geographical point of view, here is a nested context hierarchy:
…Multiverse -> Visible Universe -> Super Galaxy Cluster -> Galaxy Cluster -> Milky Way Galaxy -> Solar System -> Earth -> Continent -> Country -> State -> City -> Area -> Locality -> Building -> Floor number -> Apartment number -> Your room…
The 3 dots on either end is to show that it goes on indefinitely in both directions.
Have you seen the videos on YouTube where they would start from all the way out of the universe and zoom you all the way in until you reach quarks?

Coming to the social sphere, tuning into each context creates a different world inhabited by different people.
What we call ‘our world’ is the context we inhabit.
The status game in society:
People value/e-valu-ate themselves, and then sell themselves to others at a cost.
The whole status game is that: e-valu-ation.
The 2 parties evaluate each other on looks, talents, popularity, status, attractiveness, opportunities, commonality, happiness and so on.
People link up with each other in groups of equivalent status, which forms the common context.

Each context is a world, and you instantly access the common field of information that all the other inhabitants there are holding too.
In a sense that is what unites all of you, it is the context, or the common world.
I can speak about my experience:
– When I was in school (in India), the context was the same for all students in the state known as “state board”. So everyone had the same syllabus and more or less the same school system too. So that was the common context/common world. I was in the same world as most other students in the entire state and to a large extent the entire country.
– When I joined an Engineering college, that put me in that context world and gave me access to all other engineers in the country along with the status hierarchy inside that. There were some colleges which were graded at the same level as mine, and there were some other colleges that were of graded lower, and so on.
– Later, when working in an Indian IT company, I had access to all other friends fresh out of college working in the IT industry and many of my friends were working in similar IT firms as me.
– Then when doing my Masters in US, the university was the common context and that was the new world I found myself in. I could relate up, horizontally, and down the education ladder i.e. with PhD students, other masters students, undergrads and so on. I could share context with other friends doing Masters in other universities too, and so on.
– I then took up a job at a product development company in US, and I was in the world of post-grad professionals working for US IT companies.
So to summarize, I moved through 5 worlds:
– The world of school
– The world of undergrad college
– The world of post-undergrad work
– The world of masters program at a large university
– The world of post-grad work

Now I am in a different world and I do not know what mystical new world/context awaits me.
So these contexts are OUR REAL WORLDS.

Every chakra is a context


Each chakra is a context and each higher chakra is a higher context.
Each chakra is a dimension and each higher chakra is a higher dimension.
Each lower chakra context is SUBSUMED and a SUBSET of the higher chakra context.
The higher chakras can journey into realms native to its dimension.

Reality is multidimensional and dimensions are layered.
Lower dimensions are instances of the higher ones.
So when a change happens in the higher dimensions, they AFFECT ALL of the lower dimensions.
Shifts in the higher chakras can challenge all of the lower chakras in different ways.

Each chakra has an inner dimension and outer dimension.
Outer dimension of chakras:
Like all physical experiences = root chakra
All sexual, relational, and pleasurable experiences = sacral chakra
All doing, acquisition of status/position in the world = solar chakra
All that you love(interests/passion) in the world = heart chakra
All the true power/understanding you command in the world = throat chakra
All that you can see in the outer world = third eye chakra
Your universe-view(like world view), knowing faculty = crown chakra
Shifts in each chakra will shifts contexts.
Higher the chakra, deeper and vaster is the shift of context.

That is why, since psychedelics hit the sixth chakra, they journey you through the sixth dimensional realms.
So they can create totally novel and unpredictable experiences in all of the lower chakras.

It is like say, I suddenly teleport you to a war zone in Israel.
Imagine the gigantic change in context.
Suddenly all your behavior would have to change right?
All that you see, hear, and sense is different.
Supposing there, you could meet a person of the opp-sex who is also trying to escape the war, and let’s say you both form a kind of relationship.
And lets imagine you both have are sexually attracted to each other and have sex.
That sex would be a 2C phenomenon happening under the umbrella of the 6C context of being in a war zone in Israel.
Similarly the kind of food you eat = physical 1C experience.
The kind of relationships you make there = 2C experience.
The kind of community you find yourself in = 3C experience
The broad vibes of that place = 4C experience
The kind of understanding you have of that situation = 5C Experience
And all of this is under the UMBRELLA of the 6C context which is being in a war zone in Israel”.
Now what if I teleport you to an alien plant = That would be a 7C shift of context to a whole new realm.

Your experience is the relativity of your soul development to the world’s condition


Only when your desires grow large enough, does the world-game get painful.
Only after that stage is there a motivation for transcendence.
And this game getting painful happens from worlds beyond, like how the baby suddenly finds itself too large in the mother’s womb and wants an out.
Neither is the mother determining what happens within the womb nor is the baby controlling its growth speed.
They are only witnesses to the happening.
The baby simply finds itself in that situation. The baby’s nature of growth and the nature of the womb is already determined from levels above.
Everything is just following its nature.
When we grow enough, the world’s bounds start to rub against us.
The greater this perception of limitation, the more is the desire for transcendence.
So there is a spectrum:
Super happy people —————————- Extremely world weary people
The super happy people are like new borns within the womb of the world system.
When their soul reaches enough maturity, their desire becomes much greater and this world system and condition is very dissatisfying.
So whether or not you find the world pleasurable/wonderful depends on the relativity of you soul growth to the world’s condition.
Very new souls find this world wonderful.
Very advanced souls find this world terribly imprisoning.
Whether or not the container you are in is a prison or not, depends on your size(growth level) relative to the prison boundaries.
Just like the analogy of how the tiny 1 cm baby experiences itself in a vast womb, but then later it hits the walls of the womb and starts stretching the walls into the 7th, 8th and 9th months finally to make the passage way out – the final throes before transcendence.

The lessons of the teacher of impermanence

For the past 2 years, my life experience has been bipolar.
The mornings/early-afternoons are usually splendid, and filled with life/power/spirit/freedom/exotic mystical insights/sublime feelings.
The evenings/nights/late-nights can often however be really grueling/wretched where I just wish I would die and never wake up again.
This bipolarity had/has been relentless, and due to that, I started fearing everything.
Impermanence of this magnitude -> makes one fearful of everything, because impermanence threatens everything, not just the bad experiences, but all of the great experiences too.

The way out of this fear I figured, was to release attachment/identification/cathexis from all that is impermanent, to put it in short.
But the implication of this was staggering, because the price to pay to include the creature of impermanence in my life is everything, and I mean ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.
So the call was clear to me that, “All must be let go”.
And the fierce bipolarity was the teacher.
It was maddeningly disorienting, imagine feeling absolutely wretched, despair-ish, eternally hopeless in the night before you slept, only to wake up the next day and feel mystically happy and joyful.
The message was constant of: “There is nothing to rely on, there is nothing to stand on, you can rely on others, neither can you rely on yourself, surrender and let go of ALL/EVERYTHING, that is the only way out”.
Its hard to talk about it to someone who has never gone through impermanence of such subtlety.
Like even the part of me that is writing this will vanish in a few hours or less, and then some other self/orientation/mental-frame/meaning-reality/somatic-reality will take over.
I would like to define 2 terms to explain this:
Soul = my invisible electromagnetic structures, personal.
Spirit = Electricity, non-local, impersonal.
I see it as a hide and seek played by the spirit force.
When spirit force/electricity enters, I get all the mystical visions/control/power/freedom/joy/understanding/stratospheric mental capacities.
But then the spirit vacates my soul, the complementary negative states kicks in of severe limitation/despair/wretchedness/incoherence/chaos/severe loss of all will power/fatigue/suffering etc.
In some nights, from lack of spirit energy, the thoughts get super intrusive/the whole soul struggles to maintain any coherence, and I use all the might of my feeble willpower to simply cling on to some coherent identity/orientation. All I am doing then is using all my might to stop madness. And when it happens it feels eternal.
Then the next day, suddenly it is a new day, with the spirit power back.
The random/chaotic/capricious nature of the entry/departure of spirit electricity/force into my soul, makes my soul scared/weary, and in that hide&seek I feel like I am realizing the higher truth of emptiness/no-thingness/aliveness.
I see the integration of the entirety of impermanence as TRANSCENDENCE.
Because the other 2 insights of Annata (no-self) and Dukkha (dissatisfaction) are inherent in impermanence.
Impermanence is actually embedded in the very nature of creative force.
Greater impermanence is a sign that greater life is filling your soul.
Permanence is actually death/unconsciousness. If air did not move at all and if you did not move/breathe, how could you even be conscious of air?
One cannot be conscious of a permanent thing.
So I realized that LIFE IS IMPERMANENCE, so impermanence is the pearl of life itself. But impermanence is DEATH to us, colloquially, because we call life as something that maintains its form on and on.
I also see the TOTAL INTEGRATION OF IMPERMANENCE is also TOTAL FREEDOM, because then one has dissolved ‘one’s self’ into this alive void.
At a higher level, the self we are dissolving actually represents something closer to death because it is relatively unchanging, higher the change = higher the frequency/power/energy/life.
We are trading our solidity of self for the gas-like ecstasy of the void.

Another algorithm for processing experiences

Another great strategy for dealing with all difficulties/experiences/pains is:
“See through it OR See it through” (inspired from Scott Mandelker)

Seeing through it is to recognize the emptiness of it.
Seeing it through is to sit with the raw experience compassionately without fueling it or interfering with it.

Seeing through it requires Fearlessness.
Seeing it through requires Compassion.

Searching and engaging in “Focus potentials”


What I keep searching for is – “POTENTIALS for focus”, in my “experience space”.
Once I choose the best suited potential focus, I then kineticize it(zoom into that portion of the fractal) and enjoy the “trip/journey” that it contains.
Then once I’m done, I again scan my experience space for potential focuses.
Boredom is when I cannot find a strong focus potential, and when all my energy is used in testing and choosing/decision making i.e. testing various potentials to see which one can bring the best overall coherence and meaning to my experience.

About me: I am an EXPERIENCE EAGLE


Its a symbolism, metaphor – to the physical eagle.
The experience eagle wanting freedom to fly to any territory it feels like (across time and space).

Each person and obligations is like me(i.e. the eagle) tied to a certain location in time and space. He cannot fly far away from that place since it has to come back to fulfill the obligations. Certain potentials of experience are not available because they are too far from where he is and he cannot leave his attachments and get there. Like there is an attachment to the ‘potential’ plane of manifestation of existing as a body itself.
This explains his longing for FREEDOM of EXPERIENCE.

So this eagle explores various territories of experiences and does great things in each area that he touches due to his sharp vision. But he cannot hold on to everything. He knows internally he is infinitely capable and potent. But each time, people only judge him based on the narrow criteria that exists – on the exact patch of land he has landed on. The eagle wishes someone would really see who he is and his stature. But nobody on land can see that. For that the eagle would have to fly with another eagle to varied territories and reveal his vision and skills in each area. The irony is that, this eagle is an orphan. His parents are not eagles but rather pure land animals like deers. So the eagle’s parents absolutely don’t understand him. The most humiliating part is, they see him as a deer and not as an eagle at all. That too, an insufficient deer. So the eagle also lives a double life as a deer as a mask to all land animals through his parents training.

But once out of bondage, he secretly flies to all the territories and regions. The eagle longs to be free of this false deer (land animal) self. But however he needs to come to land to fulfill his needs. So the eagle keeps a very touch and go relationship with the land animals and even his own parents. ‘Do what is needed, get needs fulfilled and LEAVE’ is his motto. But in that process, he gets trapped into various kinds of bondages. In case he reduces his relationships drastically with land animals, then, he is left alone in the sky and has to come to the land to fend for himself which is a severe struggle and stress for the eagle.

So much so, he becomes so weak with stress, he cannot even fly. He spends his limited energy mostly on the land, trying to get his needs met, just so that he can fly for a little time in the evening. He wishes he never needed the land at all and simply live in the air and get nourished from light. But he has to accept his needs, both the land needs and the air needs and try to find a way to get both met in a great way.

He wishes there was another eagle to help him out and show him how to live great. Since he is an orphan and since NOBODY else in the whole world is an eagle, he is abjectly alone. His only inspiration is from God itself. The appearance is such that, it is just Him and God. Nobody else ever sees him or understands him the way he really is. Its almost like, he is the ‘son of god’ alone (like Jesus was) with a huge bunch of earthling land creatures and small birds. All his nourishment and all his suffering comes directly from God and there is nobody to buffer his hardships in life. Few comforting relationships happen, but they are let go, because of severe land bondage. How can he live on land, when his true place is in the air? The land animals would never understand because they do not even know what being in the air is like. So they think it is unnecessary and try to get the eagle to fit into their systems which permanently tethers the eagle to fulfilling all kinds of duties on land.