Tag: Existence

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You will never get what you desire

You will never get what you desire, when you desire it.
This is because, “You can only desire what is not there now”.
That object that you desire is not there now because – the truth of your frequency and conditions ‘NOW’ does not match that of the object.
When you do reach the frequency and conditions to match that of the object, then, the object appears in your NOW.
But like I said earlier “You can only desire what is not there now”.
So when the object is part of your NOW, there is no longer desire for it.
All that has happened is the disappearance of the desire that was previously present.
This absence of desire would give you a temporary happiness, and then, the desire energy may redirect itself to some other object.
So “Chasing desires is like chasing a mirage”.
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Everything is self-evident

Everything is self-evidently perfect
The one with eyes will see
The one without eyes will not see
The one with blurry eyes will see blurry
The one with clear eyes will see clear
The one with tunnel vision will see tunneled
The one with wide vision will see wide
The one with desire will seek
The one without desire will not seek
The one with guilt will punish/deprive oneself
The one with pride will pleasure/provide oneself
The one who feels worthy will celebrate
The one who feels unworthy will feel sad
The one with hope will strive
The one who loses hope will drop his efforts
…and so on
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We all love the child

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We all love the child
Who dances like nobody is looking
Who sings like nobody is listening
Whose joy radiates and influences others
Who is spontaneous without a care
Who involves himself into you, giving no heed to your history
Who celebrates each moment in the mood of wonder
Who looks at the ordinary like it’s extraordinary
Who bears within him vast potentials
Whose total absence of self-consciousness is refreshing
Who invests in the moment like there is no tomorrow
Who trusts you so fully to be oblivious in your arms
We recognize the child, because that is us
The lost part of us, the treasure we have lost
Which we are seeking to reclaim
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Desire comes from lack

All desire is from lack.
Lack -> (puts out) Desire force outward to seek the lacked quality.
We repress qualities in ourselves and then seek it in others or enhance it with others.
Its as though, we vicariously live those qualities through others (the ones we denied in ourselves, that is)
This repression/denial of quality potentials is unconscious (and might be part of the whole play of existence to believe you do not possess a quality yourself and need an other to get it from).
It is part of the childhood programming, when these structures are formed.
These structures decide, what you will find in yourself and what quality you will seek in an other.
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Rant: The higher reality is the ultimate humiliation for the Ego

Learning about the intricate workings of the human body and its workings is paralyzing me.
Its like the centipede thinking about how it is moving all its legs and it is thrown into chaos.
The body is insanely fragile and taking care of it means a total 100% commitment to it, causing 100% loss of freedom, from all its accumulated dos and donts.
The vulnerability of the body is enormous.
Everything and anything can potentially go wrong.
There is potential for endless hurts, injuries, pain and debilitation.
Pain ends all freedom.
Also the part that even if I perfectly take care of it, it is going to deteriorate and perish one day anyway right?
How does everyone ignore this plight of existence?
And what can really matter in this plane being such a paralyzing prison?
Reality is a paralyzing prison when seen by the thinking mind, as it tries to hold on to all of its knowledge in order to prevent damage, injury, pain, suffering, agony.
So how helpless I am, I have this fragile-fragile-body that can be destroyed by just about anything(innumerable forces)?
How can my intellect ensure my protection with this kind of existential condition?
My fear of pain and suffering – paralyzes me – because it can come from anywhere.
How can I fearlessly go about my activities, when I know that damage can come from anywhere?
It is also true that pleasure, growth, ecstasy, involvement, and great adventures too can come from anywhere.
But I have no idea what is what.

My mind is simply helpless against this infinity.
How much can it do and hold and strategize?
My mind must become a servant to god and simply handle whatever situation is given to it and whatever capacity it is given at that moment.
This is extraordinarily humiliating for my ego(mind) – My ego has to live like a total slave and submit to whatever reality the higher chooses at each moment.
What is the use of doing anything, when I can be broken down at any time, at the whim of the higher power?
The higher power does not show itself to most people, and so their ego is mostly in charge and quite confident.
But even if the higher power gives me one sweeping strike, my ego realizes how it can be pinned to the ground and debilitated completely by this force.
So yea then I am a servant of god, my ego and mind are servants of god/’higher reality’ inaccessible to me now.
How can I feel happy about this?
This is like abject servitude and enslavement.
What freedom do I as the ego have?
I am completely utterly enslaved.
I’m relegated to simply being a witness.
This is like being totally and utterly helpless and powerless.
The higher could give me a measly power and take it away anytime too, like a bully can corner a student, take away his stuff, and then say offer to give him back his pencil, only to pull it away from him when he reaches for it, and then have a laugh. What a humiliation it is.
The vulnerability I have to live with is that all of the worst hellish realities can happen, I can be mutilated, tortured, thwarted, cheated, ridiculed, overpowered, destroyed, disabled – anything can happen.
My own history is a testament too, to some of this.
I mean the dilemma here is, how am I stuck with a fragile body in a kind of unpredictable universe.
The other can be cruel/brutal to me or be kind/compassionate and I have no control. All I can do is put up a tantrum, start a non-cooperation and measly defenses against these forces.
And even if the good times come, how can I rest at ease thinking the tortures are gone forever, they are only a breath away and the entire reality can flip in an instant.
Such is my existential condition with its fragility, vulnerability and humiliation possibility.
On the other side, strength, power, toughness and grace are also possibilities, but it doesn’t damn matter because “I AM NOT IN CHARGE 😦 :(”
I will have to helplessly receive and do my part for whatever is given.
This is horrific humiliation.
How is this different from having a crazy huge dinosaur in your house, which sometimes licks your face, but you know very well, if he chooses, he can bite the shit out of you in seconds.
How can you feel good when he is nice to you and licks your face?
Won’t you be perennially terrified? and in fear? and in defense? and in a clenched contracted state? no matter what is given to you? – be it status quo, be it pain, be it pleasure, be it growth, be it death?
The point is, the very fundamental core of my existence is insecure.
I am like an ant walking happily on the street where it would only take a fraction of a second for a human to stomp on me, and even if I see it coming, I will have nowhere to run.
How can I live in such a scary existential situation where EVERYTHING can be taken away in an instant?
This is worse than serving Hitler, because at-least he could not take away your deep beliefs and philosophy.
Here in this case, the higher power can take away EVERYTHING and even ANNIHILATE you totally.
Not only that, we already have a death sentence, each and every human being, we are just standing on the death rows and even the time and place of our death is not revealed to us.
It will happen anytime when we are unprepared.
It is like your friend telling you that he will shoot you with a sniper anytime and you will never know when.
Now in this kind of existential situation, how can I feel assured, safe?
And what is trust really? God is both the creator and destroyer. So where is the question of trust when TOTAL destruction and the very elimination of all of you is only a matter of time?
Even what is good or bad, what is a blessing or curse, I cannot know with my measly mind.
I feel like an ant living inside an ant colony in the middle of the street, totally vulnerable to what the humans around me do to me.
A small boy might just come and kick the hill and destroy the colossal effort I put in to build it.
OR they could just throw a bucket of water, ruining everything leaving me gasping for my life and most probably dying.
How can I enjoy life in such an existential condition?
Every moment of this situation is terror and fear.
I cannot live like this, I want to be the creator and live as the creator and not as this severely humiliating pawn who is utterly at the MERCY of the unknown.
Children are like that, when they are born.
They are utterly at the mercy of their parents.
Utterly helpless.
In the grander scheme how are we different from the new-borns in the hands of the higher power/God? We are completely and utterly at its mercy.
Without faith, not even 1/billionth of enjoyment would be possible.
Without faith, one would be cowering in fear and frozen into an unmoving ball – like the only man standing in front of a world of zombies from the “I am legend movie”.
But this faith for God cannot be for self-preservation because God is both the creator and destroyer, so it follows that you will be destroyed.
Death is inevitable for each and every one and every thing.
Imagine you created a puppet and that puppet has consciousness.
That is analogous to our condition, we are the puppets.
The puppet is us, and the creator is like the higher power.
When this terrifying condition of the ego is seen, the only quest is to find the higher truth and live as the deeper reality instead of living as the helpless ego.
This condition otherwise is the ultimate humiliation for the ego, its ultimate mockery.
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Interdependence Insight

What makes a thing beautiful is the relativity around it.
It is all total interdependence.
For example, the girl who looks beautiful in the beach, has to thank:
– the people who made her swimwear,
– the swimwear cloth material existence itself
– the beach (for being a desirable place for people, and which puts them in the mood capable to such body admiration)
– the beach for being a socially accepted place to celebrate the body,
– thank the culture that permits that,
– thank the sunlight for shining on her,
– thank the “eyes of others” that allow them to perceive her at all
– her mom dad for telling her that she is beautiful,
– all the food that has gone into building her body,
– thank the gym space and equipment for giving her the tools for shaping the body
– all the other people who project ‘beauty’ on her and validate it (both historically and currently present in the beach)
– Her own genes, lineage
– Caste/Creed/Race, Health, Nationality, other such status symbols
– All the microorganisms in her body allowing her to stay like that
– She would have to thank her entire history, which is connected to everyone else’s history too.
And so on…
Its total interdependence.
Finally she has to thank her own consciousness for being alive to even be aware of all of this and to witness all that came together in creating the feeling of being beautiful.
Each and every object exists interdependently with all the other objects
Like the Indra’s web dew drop reflections.
Every essence is dependent on every other essence.
No essence stands alone.
It is the “relationship between all the essences/reflections” and interdependent relationships that allow the existence of the object essence itself.
Everything needs everything else.
No thing stands by itself.
All things stand because of the existence of all other things.

Like take the diamond in a velvet box –
the diamond has to thank all the lights around it,
the velvet box which contrasts it well,
the perceiver/observer of its beauty,
and its qualities come out with the movement of the observer, so it should also thank the observer’s movement.
(The diamond’s brilliance is omni-directional, however its qualities of FIRE and SPARKLE are visible only if the observer moves relative to the diamond)
Also the diamond has to thank all the other stones for not having these qualities such as sparkle, brilliance and fire.
The diamond’s specialness/uniqueness/value should give thanks to all the other non-quality possessing stones.
The diamond must also thank the observer’s consciousness which observes all of these qualities and admires it.
Everything is interdependent.
Similarly self-other, self-world, self-situation all go together too.
It is all the situations/others in your life that bring out your mysterious qualities.
You are what you are, because the universe it what it is, they both go together.
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Potential of pain/loss, the abyss of change

I think it is the potential of pain/loss that matters.
Every being has something he/she values whose loss will impact the same way.
It is loss of what you love. All pain is that.
What is this cruel place, where things that you love are given to you, only to be taken away?
That causes me to withdraw all investment from all things.
Because ALL can be lost.
You can only love when there is security.
In my case, I feel the most profound insecurity imaginable.
The insecurity has infiltrated every nook and corner of my being and all I can do is shrivel and contract in fear.
Also, the more I look into existence, I see that EVERYTHING can be lost.
If all ‘things’ can be lost, all ‘experience things/objects’ can be lost.
If all experience potentials too can also be fundamentally and irrevocably lost, then loving any thing, that kind of investment, is going to come with the full-blown pain of losing it too.
If that is the case then all investments will bring the full pain of loss.
All can be lost, its only a matter of time, before a thing can be taken away from you. It is inevitable.
That is the truth of death, which is a subset of the truth of change.
I feel I cannot hide anywhere from this, its not like I can hide my money in a safe, ‘things’ are experientially taken away from me.
Change just makes them disappear.
This truth of emptiness is terror for my ego which is in charge of emotional investments.
I live in fear/contraction/tightly-grasping to what I have at every moment.
This is profound insecurity.
I live like I’m in an exile, a hostile place all around.
The most intimate things too can be taken away from you.
As a result, I experience both passing pleasures and pain with this background deep insecurity and contraction of my investments. I’m terrified in the background at these sweeping tsunamis of change of state.
Nothing can be hidden from the higher frequency subtler source/god.
Its not a matter of trust or mistrust anymore.
Its a question about fully imbibing the truth of CHANGE, and that I am no-thing. All the terror is about the digestion of this potion in your being.
The “now you have it, now you don’t” game has been so so intense for me from the deepest to the grossest levels, I am frozen with fear/mild terror and hard grasping for security.
I don’t have a leg to stand on, the ground is being removed from my feet all the time.
I must die into and become the abyss of change itself.
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See your divine condition and accept it

You have to accept your divine condition.
Why am I affected by others?
Well, YOU ARE AFFECTED that’s it, that is the condition.
The extent of your impressionability, fragility, helplessness, vulnerability, and powerlessness, its all part of the divine condition.
Every atom of your experience NOW is the condition.
Deal with it. You are the condition itself.

Every loss of freedom that happens because of others, is part of the divine condition.
Again see the full condition first and then deal with it.
Ultimately there is just acceptance of the divine condition present, that’s all.

I am the entire condition itself.
That WHOLE is my full identity, not this person.
The video game condition itself is me, not just the character I am moving using WASD.
All I can do is work from seeing the whole – Harmonizing the whole.
There is no ONE correct action, a RULE or a LAW.
There is just HARMONIZING and WHOLE SEEING.
PARTIAL SEEING will inevitably result in disharmony.
The WHOLE SEEING is in itself the intelligence that leads to WHOLE ACTION.
You can only ACT from PURE INTENT.
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Evil is the most fundamental hypocrisy

It is ‘using life’ to ‘destroy life’.
It is a pure double standard, because if the same destruction were to be inflicted on them, that would be against their interests.
So ‘evil’ ultimately needs and wants “life, nurture, love” and lives of that food – but destroys that very food for others.
Since the entire tree of life depends on everyone and everything in interrelationship, the evil are basically destroying themselves, but their view is so myopic (ignorant) that they cannot see how it all comes back to them.
But by harming others they are ultimately violating their own interests.
They are destroying others and themselves in the larger picture, but their ignorance makes them think they are prospering at the others’ expense by exploiting them.
It is similar to cutting down all the rainforests in ignorance and watching the climate, air quality, nutrients go into a downward spiral, and upsetting all kinds of natural systems. However when cutting down the rainforest, the intention of the person was to prosper at the expense of the trees. But in effect, he has jeopardized his own well-being and interests in ignorance of the connectivity of the systems.
When what evil ultimately wants is life and it destroys that very life in others.
It is like drowning your own boat, when the very thing you want is for it to float.
Evil itself cannot survive without goodness.
The evil lives like a parasite on the tree of goodness.
Because without goodness, how can evil itself survive in the first place?
The evil therefore compromises the very thing that is feeding it.
The evil attacks the tree of life and if the tree of life goes down, the evil cannot survive either.
So it is highly foolhardy of the evil to attack its own source of nurture/life in ignorance.
The evil destroys the very source of its existence – love/life/nurture.