Journey to the Abstract

Seratonin is like getting back to safety. 
Its like being inside your home on a stormy cold night.
When you don’t have much of it, its like standing outside in the open on a dark stormy cold night.
It vastly buffers all the stressors of life. 
Another analogy would be seratonin is like a car engine oil. All the engine movements are smooth when there is oil, life is smooth.But once the oil runs out/or is chronically low, the gears and mechanisms start grating on each other and wearing each other out mutually.
Seratonin is what protects you from life’s stresses.
Seratonin is also will power, or the unifying energy of consciousness.
Without seratonin, in freud’s language, the ID imposes its demands hard on the ego and the ego is greatly stressed. Its like having a very weak parent and a angry child making crazy demands and stressing the parent vs. a strong parent who can easily communicate with the child and have a nice relationship.
Not having enough seratonin is like not having skin on your body. Imagine how much all the elements of nature will affect you if you did not have skin. You get overwhelmed and retreat very soon and struggle to survive and fulfill expectations. 

I’m searching and seeking something/self, that is unfindable which explains why I never find it, and try harder and harder in more novel ways to find it. When I have run out of all options, ways, models, concepts, ideologies etc. are unsatisfactory, I give up and get depressed. The depression that I feel now, is directly proportional to how many things I had hoped in and how many things failed on me, which is everything. So there is a deep discontent and longing.

But what if it is basically unfindable? which explains why the struggle is infinite?

My world and mapping of emotions are all about satisfying expectations. I don’t know who I am apart from  borrowed expectations from parents/culture etc. So not meeting/satisfying/denying expectations is death, because there is nothing else to rely on. I really don’t know what I am apart from those mosaic of influences which I hold on to, as Deepak, and fear stepping out of it, with the fear of death. But I also know that there is something phony about it, which makes me get very aggressive about finding the truth and reading EVERY POSSIBLE material on it.

Emptiness, Emptiness when the other person has no expectations or is also similarly disconnected from meaning, I get the fear of death.

How can I cure this fundamental disconnection? Because I am disconnected, I do not have the energy source from inside me for most things. I work on software mode in the world just fulfilling expectations and taking and watching temporary selves and desires pass by. Its like the fundamental doubt and disconnection has somehow lingered, and total identification with the parent has not happened in my case, resulting in continuous awareness of non-genuineness and pretense and, acting/pretending from there, as a make shift arrangement out of a fear of losing the rewards given by the pretense. Isn’t everyone pretending anyway? is another lingering doubt. Which is why there is a lingering doubt about the authenticity of others too, and there is a constant resentment that you need to fulfill their expectations. At the same time the expectations are magnetic, I cannot leave them, because that would mean death, I know nothing else apart from them. The expectations take my time and energy away from what I truly want to do, i.e. find my true self. 

I constantly resent them for they unnecessarily take time away from finding my self. But now, I see there is no self apart from expectations, in the way I have built it. The entire facade is a make shift arrangement I have built like clothes over my true self. I accumulated all the possible spiritual knowledge in my quest to find my true self, but more and more I realize that no object, accumulation can be it. It is just ‘Not anything’. The pain is of seeing that no matter what scriptures, intellectual models, belief systems and explorations I do, the depression is of not finding the true self in anything. Well, that is because, there is no true self, and I can see it now.

Broad insights:
Desires are insubstantial, empty, non essence. They are all appearances. There is only movement. Nothing static. So there is really no goal to reach, nothing to attain. Life is like music. Life is the unexpected/the most unlikely thing. I am constantly dissatisfied that life does not follow my imagination, but that is the very nature of it and its probably the best thing.

Living on the razor’s edge of the unexpected NOW is true life. The razor’s edge is complete receptivity in emptiness and being that effortless energy movement because it is in tune with the universal, personal effort disappears.

The neurotransmitters are feelings. The feeling of satiety, satisfaction, not feeling like moving, contentment, peace, relaxation, non-desire to change anything, no thoughts, still, present = SERATONIN. Its possible to put attention on one particular sensation and let that enlarge based on the power of concentration. All power is ‘concentration’, concentration/attention is what channels manifestation.

All feelings exist in different proportions like a dance. This is in the sensations dimension. There is also the mental dimension which is a different kind of subtle feelings of meaning and potentials.Ultimately there is just ‘Experience’.

The best way to check how much in tune you are with ‘What is’ is to see how much movement you have away from ‘What is’. More the movement away from it = More the suffering.

I am trying to find the best possible imaginable life, using the powers of intellect, understanding. But this can never hold true because the movement of life is always to the UNEXPECTED. the EXPECTED is DEAD. In fact my thinking, my understandings, my insights etc. are itself done by life. The insights are life’s children, not the other way. The ultimate reality is forever unknowable and Beyond, it can only be lived moment to moment and I AM THAT.
The desire to shift reality 100% out of what it is, IS the suffering. That is a total dislike for ‘What is’. Why should I desire to change 100% of what is? Why not change the relationship to ‘What is’ to equanimity instead? OR Just BEING?. The idea is ‘Stay with life’ as it is, as ‘What is’ and anchor there as an ultimate guide. Just BE ‘That’ and let the ‘That’ do you.

There is the thinking process(Yang) and the breaks on thinking(Yin). There is awakeness and breaks on awakeness. Its just an endless dance. See what is, and optimize the dance perfectly. That is what I truly seek….not any specific state, its all NOW. Any movement away from NOW is living in the illusion that there is something to find apart from ‘What is there NOW’.

If you work just for others Expectations, as the goal, then after the goal is done, you are left with emptiness again.That is the condition of being disconnected from the source energy and its potentials manifested(desires). Whereas if you are connected to the source, you keep setting goals and moving endlessly without being dependent on any EXTERNAL AUTHORITY.

You are in contact with all the energies at this moment. You are whole. 

What we are seeking is where we are seeking from – the infinite.

THIS IS IT, just an unfolding of energy NOW, if you do it right, is the best place to be.

The feeling ‘I do not like what is there’ is so persistent in all the appearances. I keep dreaming of finding that experience/thing that would atleast temporarily give me the feeling of ‘Yess! this is exactly what I want’. Then once I get that, I would try to seek it permanently. 

But I can see the traps here.  Life keeps conveying it to me again and again, that reality and what I imagine are forever different. Imagination is part of an ever changing reality. Reality is moving from uniqueness to uniqueness. If it were to exactly follow my imagination, that would actually be boring.

Life in essence is the unexpected. 
The expected is dead. 
Change is life. 
Non-repetition is life. 

It seems like it is possible to truly live only when we truly die. Just like at a smaller level, only when we have seen the depths of sadness can we apprehend the depths of joy. 

I seem to frequently encounter a situation where there is enormous resistance, unwillingness, aversion, repulsion, disgust but yet a force keeps pushing me hard towards that very object. Its as if my struggling against movement towards the object makes no difference. Like a wind pushing me irrespective of my struggle against it.

Like a child trying hard with his toy steering wheel to not go to a place, but the adult nevertheless steers the car there. Then the child is very fearful, that he might never leave this uncomfortable place, then mysteriously the adult drives away and relieves the child of this horrible experience only for it to repeat again after sometime.

Is it something to do with control? Do we really have no control? If that is the case, then how is the illusion of control so pervasive everywhere? Do people not see the absence of control OR Are they completely deceived in some way? How did I skip getting deceived like that? Am the the only one seeing this form of reality?

Its like the game between dark matter and gravity. One expands and one contracts, yet they exist in a play and sometimes one is stronger, sometimes the other is.

Sometimes, there is an attractive object that I pass by, like a child with his toy steering wheel in a real car passes by. The adult keeps going and does not stop, so the sight becomes a fleeting pleasure and also causes high desire but its unfulfilled when the adult drives away and it therefore causes pain.

Sometimes there is a repulsive object that the child spots but the adult continues to drive straight, so that again becomes a fleeting negative experience for the child. At times, the car goes to a repulsive object (for the child) and stops the car close to it. This causes the child to get depressed because the toy steering wheel is seen to be useless and he cannot get out of there no matter how hard he tries. At other times, the car stops in front of an attractive object, so there is constant pleasure in the child’s experience. Now again when the adult takes off, the joy fades away and there is sadness/pain of loss. At times, the adult gives the child the illusion of control, he steers the car perfectly contingent to the child’s toy wheel movements which convinces the child that he is driving the car.

In this analogy, the WIND force or the Adult here is God, the Universal, brahman, ultimate reality.

The child is the self/ego/identity which believes he/she is controlling destiny or that his/her desires are really real/concrete/unchanging/solid/substantial/having essence. But the reality of it is that, the adult can very easily change the whole relationship and completely dispel this illusion.

Even if I do not have control even ONCE or a SINGLE MOMENT in my life, it proves to me that control is only an APPEARANCE. Because if it was not an appearance, firstly, you would possess control all the time and non-control is impossible. Absolute truth cannot FAIL even once. Even 1 failure indicates, your model is wrong and you need to re-examine. Secondly, by the law of duality, Control even exists in experience because at sometime in your life, you have had the experience of non-control.

So technically if I extrapolate, all of perception has to be an APPEARANCE, because I can only perceive something if I experienced its opposite which means, the ‘Thing/Object’ I perceived has to be an insubstantial/Unreal Appearance.

The only real will, is the DIVINE will, we having willpower/control is an illusion/one of the possibilities of the divine will itself. There is no Doer in the conventional sense. The only Doer is the Divine itself (which cannot even be made or spoken of as an object).

Everything is changing and the in-substantiality of everything is what makes it akin to a dream, just like a dream at night is. I seemed to have transcended emotions and thinking, and I can realize that I am trying to hold on to life in my mind by thinking, verbalizing, but its all dead in a way. The alive is the moving/changing dimension. I’m recording the words, but the music has already left. Only bare words are left thereafter. Me holding on to the dead, is why I am getting depressed from deadness. I am controlling myself in pursuit of some ideal image I have been building up in my mental space. But no mental image is me, I am simply restricting myself to my mental image and believing that is the true me. 

Even emotions cannot be captured by words. Induction of emotions is possible but it involves a movement away from whats happening effortlessly. Even your ability to induce emotions may or may not be there at different times. And even if I do try to induce emotions and if I’m not particularly like the emotions that are capturing me at the moment, even that can be transcended and seen through. Everything is me, the effortless dream happens on transcending all contents and the resultant understanding from that. Even my efforts and reasons for capturing everything in words is seen through. The ‘seeing’ takes a quantum leap and reaches all-encompassing levels. 

Why should I try to attain anything, if I am what’s here and if I am also my attainments? I am all my potentials. The current reality is as good as a potential as any other. There is no reason to attain any other state, because all states are me. I have never left myself anywhere. I am always myself like how I am always dreaming in a lucid dream no matter whats happening in the dream or who I am in the dream. I do not have to be anything else to find myself. I am already here. Everything might be as it is, or might not, I might life with the same pattern, conditioning, with all processes untouched, but with a peace that passes my understanding. There is really nothing to say, to get this across directly. I can come up with something like ‘I am THAT all encompassing reality’. 

The world is a dream inside me. There is also an appearance of a shared world with the appearance of other characters similar to me. There is infinity in my relationships to these people and my relationship to the direct physical world itself. Also my own imagination. I am not in the world, the world is inside me. This is the part where it gets beyond conventional logic. 

If the world is inside me, even its rules are part of my dream. I’m playing a character of defiance and rebellion against the world presented. But I am that rebellion too. I am the world and its rules too. I am all of the people in the world. No matter what I choose, or become in this world, I will still be me, I would never have left myself. Why should I be afraid of my own potentials and stay in a depression because of that? 

I am able to see how a fear is quickly holding me in, as my imagination tries to open up any possibility. I can see how my attachments are holding me back from exploring any different dimensions and possibilities. I can see how my need for control, security is clamping on me and preventing me from even feeling much. But no matter what, from the transcendent seeing dimension, all is ME, all is perfect, all is UNION, I am all of THAT. This UNION is beyond even choosing to choose.  Choice happens inside of ME. I am not ‘choice’. Everything happens inside of me. 

Its exactly like a lucid dream, but in a lucid dream, I realize I am ‘my waking identity’. But in this lucid life I could call it, your identity is simply transcendent/beyond everything/everything is only one of your potentials among infinite. I could say ‘The born and Infinite unborn potential’ OR just say ‘Beyond’. 

I need to give attention to a thing to let go of a thing. The way to let go of something is to fully accept it. The paradox is that: Complete acceptance is a necessary condition for change. You cannot let go of something, by not giving it attention – then that becomes dissociation, avoidance, suppression and anyways, whatever you do not let go of stays/remains with you continuously.

There is letting go of a thing
There is letting of ‘letting go of a thing’ and ‘not letting go of a thing’
There is letting of (letting go) or (not letting go) the practice of letting of itself.
There is letting go of the frustration due to the inability to let go of the practice of not letting go.
There is letting go of both control and non-control

Letting go of holding on to anything:
I am so drawn to the understandings, learnings, insights of the spiritual, metaphysical, at the heights of the mind’s capability to understand. I have also had tremendous success with this, i.e. exploring the meta-meta-meta^n levels of things. But then I cannot seem to hold on and be anything. If I do, then I distinctly feel like I am resisting against where the natural current is taking me. As my interests naturally arise and pass, my abilities, knowledge, understandings also arise and pass. 

Everything can be lost and similarly everything can be gained. Everything fades. and is replaced with a new creation. Destruction is needed for creation to happen. Destruction of the ‘Void’, is needed for ‘Something’ to be created. Its my constant holding on to those insights, that is creating resistance against the natural flow. I am holding on to my creation and thereby resisting change.

Its as if everything moves, the energy and interest behind things keep shifting, but mentally since my belief is that I must do those things, I keep doing things even though they give me no satisfaction because they are dead in a way (dead like memories, thoughts, beliefs..other accumulations). Even the grandest of things arise and pass away. The worst chaotic experiences too arise and pass away. It is not possible to hold on to anything in the 5-D screen of consciousness because doing so is resistance of the universal movement of change, the dance of life. More the resistance = more the suffering. Its as if life is like the wind that moves, anything I do against the wind is resistance.   

As days pass by, the more I realize my true essence is nothing. 

Its not just hatred, guilt, fear, pain that is to be surrendered to god/ocean of void/infinite, but it is everything including the positive ones like love, joy, bliss, wellbeing, pleasure. Letting go has to be experiential at every moment, every perceivable vibration is to be let go of. Even my mental models are to be let go of at every moment. Every insight, every thought, every mental image, every sensation is to be let go of. Simply abide in complete relaxation. 

My writing is the expression of the music of my thought. Once the music has passed, I only have the words but not the music that created the words. This is true even with memories. Sometimes I remember the images, but not the full feelings associated. Someone reading this material, who has searched for this, will get the music from my words.

Distance blindness is that depth perception is lost for far away objects. For example when you are on a train, the mountain and the sky look like they are on the same plane, but in reality the sky is much farther away. 

If we take stars, for a person on the ground, both alpha centauri and sirius both look like dots and in the same plane in their vision. But once you move to get to alpha centauri, then you realize how far away sirius is, again sirius looks like a dot from there. 

This is how I feel we evolve through life. As a child we dream of buying a room full of toys, but later that imagination itself evolves. What is a dot at a distance is attained, and again everything else looks like a far away dot from that point of view.

This is what I feel when my friend wants to move from LSD to DMT. In my imagination they both are the same. But since he has seen LSD, now DMT has become the dot at a distance. Since I’ve done neither, both of them look like star dots from my point of view.

All the projections potentials are already there in our hands. The external world is just a symbolic forms on which we project. But the external world is entirely empty without our projections.We imbue all the symbols with magic. In fact even symbolism is my creation. Everything is my creation. Nothing exists apart from my projections.

The symbols are constantly changing but our projections are the same. In my quest to find a worthy object for my projections, I have discovered all objects are unworthy. Its only the illusion that is going to end because once I see there is nowhere to go, no real purpose, nothing to attain, then I transcend those beliefs which have tried very hard to find validation. Now, the desert will transform itself to projective freedom with the knowing that I am THAT.

The external world, earth is a particular video/experience game of consciousness. What is solid about a think which appears only when I look at it? If I close my eyes its gone. So is it that, I only experience what I want to experience? If the physical objects contain nothing inherently but just a slate for laying out my own projections, then 100% of experience is within me and only projected to external forms. 

Synthesis of imagination is what converts the chaotic pattern on the screen into meaning. Creating meaning is about exuding your inner projections on objects. Meaning does not reside in external objects. No object has any meaning. We impart meaning to objects. Exactly like how random swirling colors become a moving fractal with elements showing the principles of art – harmony, variety, movement, balance, proportion, pattern. These qualities run in spectrums too and life moves the spectrum analyzer of even these qualities.