Story of the soul returning to itself

When I become effortless,
The world disappears
So I put all kinds of efforts
To maintain my images
Even maintaining the most basic images becomes a struggle

I get angry at this
I start thinking I deserve my basic world
Then I even catch this thought
That my begging was still the entitlement that I deserve this

The soul withdraws from the senses and world
Everything falls away
I cannot even maintain the image of my body without effort
How can I to survive?
The world starts looking like a hostile harsh place

Having this pull happen in the state of civilization we have now creates fear
Because this is beyond most people’s experience
They take a ton of things for granted
Whose value you realize only when the soul pulls everything out of you.

My soul loses interest in everything
I lose all will to even live
I frequently contemplate about just sitting down
And letting myself to rot to death
But when the suffering increases the threshold
I am forced to move

To maintain “awareness” itself becomes extraordinary effort
Even the most basic mental tasks needed to keep a job and so on
There is just no will to live
That force has gone asleep
I am left with a whole self left struggling for survival without a source upholding it

This explains the struggle I faced
I was just holding on to the most basic status-quo with all my might
I cut down severely on everything
Isolated myself, lived almost like a zombie
But even that took an extreme toll on me
I could not even cry for mercy
Such an emotion would have been a luxury.

Its like death was pulling me
But I just wanted a bare existence at-least
Somewhere I also felt that my higher self was least interested
And wanted the lower self to die off/dissolve
But the struggle of my lower self was real
It was literally dying and struggling to maintain a most basic existence
So I felt deep compassion for myself
As I witnessed all my functions disappearing
As I fell into fatigue and chaos from the lack of integration that ensued
I stood in the dark of absolute unknowing
There was nowhere I could stand
The grounds itself would keep changing in a mysterious way

All kinds of fears came up
Will people understand me
Will they persecute me
And people did persecute me too
This would usually bring out my deepest defenses
I felt completely entirely trapped
There was nothing to do but endure this unknowing

To make the world disappear, it is not necessary that you die
All that needs to be done is that, a force needs to suck your attention out of the world
Like an inward pulling blizzard wind
That pulls you into an abyss farther and farther and farther from the world
The world recedes from your perception.
You are no longer in it or of it.
You just cannot hold on, holding on takes extraordinary effort
So you let go – let go – let go as much as you can
To reduce the suffering of “effort”

Eventually I learned to ride with the death wave
I got used to the concept of loss
I never thought such immense loss was possible
In fact I realized that this loss is my future freedom
This pulling force is an ultimate purifier
It is the same force that creates birth and death itself
It is the giver of rebirth
It is therefore entirely beyond all human understanding
Your ego dies to your higher nature basically
The higher nature creates a strong backwards wind
Towards the unknown
Stripping all the known away from you
The comfort of the known is no longer there
You ego now is perennially afraid
Because it has lost its support and cannot survive without it

Every known then becomes something you cling too
All the knowns work for a while giving me structure
But then they vanish soon after

In such a condition, all my unfinished businesses became desperation
Because time’s up and I sensed this sucking force will kill my desire
So I tried to fulfill my desires as fast as I could
An urgency was created
This wind from above also illuminated my whole psyche structure by its friction and pain
Pain always illuminates objects
Its like, only when your hand is hurt do you know you have a hand

All spiritual practice is only to awaken this kundalini (sleeping giant, mystery power)
Once that is awake, it is just about bracing yourself
For the ride that is about to unfold
It is a stage where “Thy shall be done”

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