Tantalizing play of light/dark

Many a times, in the evening and night, I experience the below:
PART 1: Gloom, Doom, Dread, Despair, Wretchedness, Desolation, Vacancy/Lack,
PART 2: Worrying, Helplessness, Inability, Paralysis, Blindness/Loss of awareness of other potentials, Endarkment, Panic.

The area where I usually struggled more was in the helplessness and inability part. This is because in that energy state I cannot function and I don’t know when that state is going to leave. Inspite of the fact, that I know from my memory that such a state has come and gone 100’s times, when it happens, it is still overwhelmingly real and there is nothing to do but ride through it.

The key is that, when it becomes dark suddenly, “YOU DON’T KNOW” and whatever you feel that is all there IS. It is a cloud/fog/fugue of unknowing. Whether you would feel different later, or get back your lost abilities and potentials, this you cannot know from there. That is what creates the fear and panic. So its a struggle in blindness. The experience is like, how would you react if you suddenly lost your eyesight? Would you panic? This is losing spirit vision of sorts, something similar.

My vision comes back with the sun and sets with the sun. When there is no vision, it is like being in the forest at night. It feels like there is danger all around. You cannot go anywhere because you are blinded and surrounded by fear as a result. All you can see is the bare immediate situation. Sometimes that is about dealing with an animal that has suddenly appeared or dealing with sudden gusts of cold wind etc. In such a narrow window of consciousness, anything can appear and that would be all that there is, all of consciousness would be only of that. And each time my experience gets dark and narrowed, I don’t know when the light will come back.

It is entirely beyond my control, these cycles of light and dark in my experience. It is basically the tantalizing hide and seek game of light. Everything appears, everything vanishes, and so on, vastly intensifying the ‘ordinary duality’ most people face anyway. The darker it gets, the more the core defenses of my self/psyche/ego are tested.

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