Growth and dissolution appearances

No matter how much I read, understand, no matter how glorious my knowledge is, I still don’t know anything NOW apart from what appears to me NOW. All I can say is I once knew. That is not my appearance anymore. I appear to know NOW. It may disappear in the future appearance.

But this can be said about everything right, maybe you have lived through every conceivable experience in the past spanning a million years. But everything can simply disappear NOW. So the truth is ‘NOTHINGNESS’, nothing is true, no appearance is “IT”. All appearances are moved by the unknowable god reality. So I may appear to believe in something, I may appear to seek knowledge, I may appear to seek structure, I may appear to enlarge structure – help other people, setup large organizations, influence the whole world – but at the same time, I may appear to lose everything, lose the larger structure, lose my own personality structure itself, lose all belief, and come back to total nothingness like deep sleep.

So if I cannot hold on to anything, then what am I? I just have to flow as me. The me is so paper thin, it is just NOW. Everything else is what I recall from memory and my accomplishments of the past. I carry the past with me as a pride that I have done everything. But it is all maintained by maintaining structure. But the structure cannot exist without belief/revelation.

Dissolution is inevitable as you see the weight of structure you are carrying. At the same time belief creates structure. Who moves belief? – its God. So some people have large elaborate structures themselves and they fit into other larger structures and all this investment in becoming something in larger and larger structures. Its all about creating machines/structures with investment.

The reason why I feel completely alone, is because I am losing structure itself. I am unbecoming while everyone else is becoming. But what if you lost all belief? By the grace of god itself? then isn’t it logical you would lose structure too? Who are you apart from your structure? – Nobody, nothing. Just THIS. This THIS is so so so much lighter, empty, smaller, paper thin compared to my prior reality of a growing identity identity structure.

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