In my childhood I was given very little ego structure.
So in a way, the structure of my identity was very diaphanous and airy, non-solid.
It would allow a LOT more reality.
There was not enough structure to repress.
So it was like living in a kind of psychosis.
So my enlightenment now is a movement from mild psychosis to full release.
That is why I am so much more in touch with infinite potential, because without a structure to really repress things, I got a trailer of infinity all throughout my childhood for a long time.
But my identification with a weak ego which is unable to repress, led me to develop various avoidance patterns to protect myself.
This had therefore become a burden, causing me to seek enlightenment, remove my repression and get RELEASE.
The accommodations I had made to protect the ego made everything TOO restricting/limited/stifling.
I just wanted to FREE myself and know who I am.
Since I had seen so many realities, I was somehow in touch with a deeper truth, I knew the direction I had to move to find the truth.
I always had the light with me.
Since I had a weak ego structure, I could not easily repress (repression needs a strong structure as a pre-requisite)
This caused the psychosis, adhd like situation.
So I had to stay in bounds and avoid a lot of things, to prevent myself from getting overwhelmed and threatening the framework.
If the framework got threatened, I would dissociate, withdraw and use other extreme steps to protect myself which was a lot of suffering to resist so much.
In childhood and even now in a way, I kept getting a mystical trailer of various infinite broad realities.
An analogy would be like, for most people, they see the movie of their life with one or a few themes.
In my case, without sufficient repression I was like naturally on a psychedelic trip.
I saw several themes, several flavors in the broadest ways.
But all of them had this painful identification with the ego which always restricted me a lot, caused a lot of suffering, avoidance, fear.
The psychosis meant a LOT more reality as experience entered me, so it created a severe mental decision challenge when I could see so much.
Now I see, I cannot understand infinite or God.
I simply serve the mysterious infinite as it appears moment to moment.