Contemplation – Essence, Depression, Frozenness

There is nothing to search, nothing to find.
This appearance (‘What is’) is IT.What am I resisting then?
Is it the loss of attachments which constantly happens as the winds of reality move the sand?

In champaign, was it a kind of partial ego-death essentially?
A pilgrimage like place where a lot of what I was attached/bonded to, was taken away from me?

Why am I attached to any state/experience?
Aren’t attachments and aversions both from unexamined beliefs about essence/identity/who I am/who I should be?
Beliefs can only exist in darkness, correct?
An examined belief becomes knowledge and therefore does not remain as a belief anymore.

Doesn’t the fact that something that can be taken away from me, imply it is not my essence at all, and I falsely hold on to ‘that something’ thinking my nature lies in that?
In a reality where everything is changing, isn’t being non-attached, non-identified the sanest thing to do?

How can I be anything that changes?
How can I be anything apart from the unchanging?
Is there really some unchanging part or am I really ‘Nothing’?

Content generation:
My frozen ball of energetic accumulation of unresolved experiences, contradictions, memories, engages me when I’m alone.
This explains how I can generate so much content.
Because there is so much of content inside me waiting to be untangled and resolved.
There are so many beliefs which I have to shine light on and convert to actual knowing.
It feels like this content/belief is from the experience of 1000’s of lives.

What is depression?
A bundle of complex intertwined energy fibers stuck in a ball is what we call depression.
It causes an unresponsiveness, listlessness, lack of feeling or lack of movement of emotion or evocative ability of the world.
Because the fibers of energy are stuck in a ball and therefore are not moved by the wind of life.
Depression forces you to introspect your life in silence, in an environment of no demands/expectations, in solitude, because only then it is silent enough, for you to reach this hardened ball of energy.

When there are a lot of expectations from you and when the environment is teeming with activity and life, you will feel the sensation of some burden you are carrying or that something is missing, but you will continue to keep pushing your identity (created by other people’s expectations) forward.

When when you are alone, the environment is not demanding anything, and when there are no expectations of any kind, then you reach this frozen ball of unresolved collected energies.

Frozen ball of energy = Depression = triggered by Silence and Solitude?
What are my autonomous energies that are not getting expressed and which are frozen?
Wouldn’t sitting in absolute silence be the only way to uncover them from their frozen state?
Wouldn’t total silence inevitably sensitize the psyche enough to see, animate, untangle and open the frozen parts?
Is depression essentially what happens when things get silent enough (and when I’m alone enough)?
Does the silence make me eventually encounter the frozen ball of unexpressed pain, desire, emotions?
Is this frozen ball the ultimate insensitivity, which prevents me from actually experiencing life as vividly as when we were children or EVEN more than that?
Loss of external world participation and interest:
When I see the extent of this unresolved content ball in myself, I lose all interest in making any further commitments in life like career, marriage etc. and all I feel like doing is sitting alone somewhere and untangling and cleaning all of that up.

This is because marriage, career, other investments etc. would create additional content over this already existing mountain of content and would act as a distraction further preventing me from attending to his pressing task of resolving everything. So I only invest in things that will help me in my quest.

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