Awareness journey

In my journey of improving awareness, I have noticed some phenomenon happening at a deep level. I frequently slip in and out of hypnosis and can see clearly only when I put special effort. Its almost like when I put special effort, I amplify this awareness function and it suddenly shows me things more clearly. Another ironic part is that, this special effort is more like relaxing or dropping things, and not the colloquially defined effort. Its paradoxical like I have to put effort in dropping things to stay effortless. In fact, while putting this effort, I notice this paradox too and a mental state change is witnessed. Ideally, my increase in awareness should not disturb my current mental/physical state at all. I feel that the work I am doing here is using effort to eventually see clearly and reach effortlessness. I need to see things clearly first before I can figure out how to transcend them.

Various objects and people on the road suddenly channel my attention and it feels like I am pulled into a sort of hypnosis when they touch my perception. There is some deep seated fear/belief/childhood experience that makes me do this which I am yet to see clearly. I also frequently put myself in a disassociated state where I stop registering many things around me. Almost like a stupor where I am numb to all external stimuli and more internally focused. Again have to train my awareness to pinpoint the original causes or drivers for this behavior.

Another thing that happens is that, the thought fractals pull me in and I lose self awareness once into it and suddenly snap out of it when I remind myself to stay in the present. Its almost like I choose to watch a movie but get sucked into it frequently and have to keep reminding myself that I am outside it and that I am the one who chose to watch it in the first place.

I am going to closely watch the director of attention closely to get further into the onion layers.

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