Wherever I go, whatever I do, I am unable to experience anything completely. Its like I am walking on a road with mountains on either side. When I start climbing any one of them, I cannot go that far along the trail since I need to get back on the main road. The main road is basically all the things I need to do in time in order to survive, acquire material possessions and have a well adjusted social life. Due to this pressure of having to come back to the main road within stipulated times, I cannot reach the summit of any of the mountains around me. I however keep imagining and fantasizing about what they would look like. I also often run out of company. People accompany me until a little but into the trail but then they all withdraw and get back to the main road. Then I venture alone as far as I can go without endangering myself and then get back. Sometimes I wish I could just freeze time, do something single minded till I master it and then resume it again. For example: I hear various kinds of music, but I don’t know what kind of mind is required to create it. If I ponder about it for too long, I lose track of all the other main road priorities and I have to force myself to abandon it at some point. Things involving social aspects like a relationship with another person gets even more complicated since I have very little control on how far I can take it. Like say I want to explore the highest depth of intimacy, I can only give the green light and try from my side but otherwise have very little control. They are more like blessings that come and go. Among the things I have control, I cannot pursue them too long since I have to complete my overflowing to-do lists. As it is, I pretty much live on the edge by doing things in the last minute and spending just enough time to do a decent job. The intense desire to explore the peaks of all mountains conflicts with the social where there is an expectation that you complete the drill of all their expectations.
I would feel great satisfaction if I could find people who are similar to me and share all this. We could then jointly think about this issue instead of me being locked inside my own head.