Dissociation – Rebounds to old thinking patterns

In spite of all this reflection, analysis, synthesis etc, after watching 1000’s of videos and tons of articles that talk about the absolute frontiers, I find that this state of satori or clear insight comes and goes. When I’m talking to someone who understands the flow and background of what I say, I can be extremely fluent and creative. Its like my brain performs at 9/10 creating complex metaphors, finding links between seemingly unrelated stuff and the stuff I say even surprises me. Even for all that I have written in this blog, sometimes when I go back and read some of my old articles, it almost seems like a pleasant surprise. Kind of like, if you go back and look at your engineering math books, you would be a surprised to find how you learned and applied complex formulas of derivatives and integration.

When I am in a passive silent mind state, I feel like I know nothing. Knowledge/Understanding seems like a state that requires effort and maintenance. My whole mind/self is at times completely blank and I would be shaken and might even hesitantly buy into any ordinary belief thrown at me confidently by an person who has never examined or even thought along these lines even once. For example: I was telling a friend that “Its not the brain before the doer, its the doer who determines how the brain grows and the brain networks are just a physical manifestation of the non-physical entity that’s you. And the example of Einstein’s brain and the myth of using brain network to prove intelligence instead of vice versa”. Now this friend knew nothing about anything metaphysical and was a person with very rigid beliefs about everything. She was like “How can that be? There is stuff known as genes that controls who you are etc.”. I abandoned the conversation but at that moment, I was in no position to prove my point or prove hers. When I am alone, I can think of a 2 page summary explaining how beliefs are everything but somehow at that time I was lost, I almost felt like believing her since she was so confidently throwing it at me. My open mindedness makes me so vulnerable.

I am still finding this dissociation a mystery. What does it really mean? It almost seems like I really dont know anything and this state of mind of insight itself is temporary The passive accepting state of mind is probably equally likely. Does it mean whatever I know isn’t really true? and I just put effort in constructing complex intellectual manipulations to explain everything?

If I truly knew something, I should absolutely not be affected by another person’s views on that subject. Maybe they are all just concepts and a concept is as real as any other concept. So there are 1000’s of concept kinds in this world. They may dehumanize, put you to shame, induce guilt or make you feel connected with love, beauty, joy etc. In other words, they may empower or dis-empower you. All are equally real so you just need to choose.

Then the question of what is the truth becomes even more pressing since you have lost your basis for believing.

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