You already have what your looking for..

After having a huge cup of strong coffee( I’m very sensitive to even small amounts of caffeine since I have it once in 3months), on the way back from a snow resort, my alertness was shooting over the roof. My constant day dreams stopped and I started paying much more attention to all sensory inputs in the moment, people talking, the scenery etc. I was looking out of the window at the breathtaking scenery passing by. I could catch my awareness of my inner body slipping in and out. Whenever it slipped, I brought the awareness back and this created an integrative feeling. I started to feel that whatever I was chasing is already there with me. For example: I started thinking about what made that trip special. It dawned on me that I could ‘choose to be satisfied till I got an XYZ thing (a car, a trip to a very interesting location, pursuing particular hobbies, getting more money, meeting more people of common interests) or I could merely decide to accept myself completely at that moment itself. So maybe what I’m really searching for may be there at this moment itself. Its maybe just ignorance and lack of continuous awareness that prevents me from seeing the large picture.

That is, accept and ACUTELY observe the following at every moment:
Physical plane inputs:
Whatever input enters the 5 senses(sight, hearing, touch, smell, taste), proprioception(perception of boundaries of your body and inner body feelings) including feelings related to the 5 elements:
Fire – feeling of temperature in the body
Water – the feeling of water in the body
Solid – feeling the solidity in the body
Air – The airy feeling esp in the lungs area
Space – feeling of empty space

Mental plane inputs:
Mind’s eye – Images that you see in your mind, they can be quite fluid and fleeting, needs lots of attention to catch.
Talk – Voice inside your head that’s like the monologue we have. Our thinking mechanism primarily works by sub-vocalization.
Emotions – Related to paying attention to the hormones released when you have certain visual images with talk combined.

In this state, I can actually witness, how my mood is good until a fear is brought to surface by an image in the mind. First the water like fluid image forms – then a voice starts talking inside my head telling me about the fear in brief – Then there are these uncomfortable hormones and chemicals released usually in the chest area that makes it difficult to breathe.
Each of these phenomenon occur with a very small time gap. It is possible to be very alert and catch them.

The breathing usually has a special connection with mood. When some fear is invoked and the above process happens, you’ll instantly notice that your breathing is more strained and there is a mild chocked feeling, it isn’t smooth and effortless. When your mood is completely balanced, relaxed and in full intensity, breathing is absolutely smooth. This is easily noticeable even after drinking alcohol, of course that is due to other physiological changes too, but it can give you an idea about how it feels. If you notice the breathing pattern change and make it effortless again, you;ll notice your mood would not get affected as much and would thus recover faster.

Problem of sensitivity and distorted mental concepts:
The problem is that we notice things only when they reach a particular threshold of pain or pleasure. So this is what creates the unawareness. Classic example is breathing. Since it happens effortlessly most of the time, we dont pay any attention unless we start panting heavily due to physical exercise or if we hold our breath. We need to pay attention to subtlety to know the true nature of things. It should not depend upon whether it is less or more than say 3-4+/10 pleasure or pain etc. Insensitive people have much greater numbers. They would only notice sensory inputs that exceed a 6/10. Not only that, they mostly live by concepts in their brain and not real feelings. For eg: If I get that 1lakh $ per annum job my life would be great. This is pretty baseless because a great life depends on a TON of factors and having a low sensitivity robs them a lot of pleasure they could potentially avail of. That is a horrible illusion. Rich people may already know this truth because they are not in nirvana as they expected, and poor people escape by spending their entire life dreaming of being rich. Money is a useful tool for acquiring material possessions, comfort, social dynamic aspects, opportunities to learn and experience. But it is just potential, and there is a LOT LOT more in life besides that. Its just an obsession reinforced by media and society.

You need to visualize your fantasy and try to see the real feelings you are trying to attain by that. If you know what you are aiming for it also means you can generate a good amount of that feeling just by thinking about it, because the physical plane has nothing to do with your happiness anyway. The physical plane is perceived by non conceptual awareness, it is converted to concepts by the brain and then the thoughts generate the dopamine which makes us feel good. This transfer from bare perception to concept is VERY FAST. For example: Look at the light on top of you, it takes a fraction of a second before the word “light” pops up in the mind. Initially it is just an image with no label intrinsic. This phenomenon can be noticed with extreme alertness to gain insight.

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