What I am is ultimately what I value.
As I go deep into my contemplative journey,
To discover my truest and deepest value,
To discover my true original essence,
I am plunged into a catharsis, a purging
I listen to myself deeply,
And ask, what do you love
I go silent and try to feel the answer, the vibration
As I journey into this question
I feel like I’m drawn more and more into an abyss
I am taken away from the world of forms
Into subtle boundless feelings
I’m am unable to go much further for much longer
As my ego pulls my “focus” back on the world of form
The journey within takes me into an abyss, a catatonia, a coma like state, a formless state, a state approaching deep sleep.
A pure boundless/infinite feeling space.
By this I can see, that my love for specific forms has been lost.
What I love/value now, has become much more diffuse and subtle.
And in this alchemical journey,
I feel like my value is vacating this world.
I am being drawn to the ocean depths of my psyche.
The dark deep blue where very little light is present.
I cannot see anything here
I only feel, all is “feeling” here
In this condition, it is clear that the job of my ego now is to let go.
My soul cathexis has vacated its structures,
It therefore no longer has energy to BE.
It is undergoing an organic dissolution
I feel like I’ve entered and ventured so deep into the ocean waters
I have lost my desire for the surface waters
All my attachments pull on me
It is as if your monthly salary is gradually being reduced
And this is straining the edifice of all of my lifestyle
I let go more and more of form
Until there is no-thing
Until there is no-thing left to lose anymore
This brings the transcendent void, infinite diffused feeling focus.
I am now a deep ocean creature and live in a mystical no-thingness subtle space
This state reminds me of sleep, it approaches it.
With more and more relinquishing of attachment I am able to go deeper and deeper.
Trust becomes a major issue, and fears kick in to constantly concentrate my focus energy on my most pressing issues.
I no longer “know” where I am going and am trusting the unknown more and more.
For knowledge is just a crutch we most often cling to to compensate for our lack beliefs, fear beliefs, and mistrust.
I am being swallowed by a force larger than myself and returning.
Journey to the Abstract 