Tag: Transformation

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Prayer of a weary soul

prayer

[I] hand over my really tired, weak, and weary desireless exhausted [self] over to thee
There [is] an incredible amount of emptiness in [me]
[I’m] barely conscious
Like [I] have been fully knocked out
There [is] not much left in [me] to put up a fight or resist.
[I] can barely stand on my own feet, let alone walk
What [is] this deathly condition?
[I] feel heavy, encumbered, overwhelmed, paralyzed, burdened, weary and can barely keep my head up
[A] severe deficiency of will power/desire/energy
The viruses or entropic agents within are getting the better of me, and [I] have exhausted [my] fight now
[I] can no longer ward off this inevitable destruction
So [I] stop resisting and surrender to death or total transformation
Which [is] what [I] avoided, most of [my] life
Why resist [the] inevitable? This has always been waiting for me anyway
So [I] give myself fully into [the] fire and chaos of transformation
[I] am actually dying into [the] fire of life
[My] avoidance of death [is] the avoidance of life
Because to give [oneself] into the fire, is to give in to 100% change or the ‘life process’ itself
[I] am fulfilling “Thy shall be done”
[I] have no belief anymore regarding what is on the other side
Because to have belief [is] to not give in sincerely
[I] am willingly entering the chaos of profound unknowing
Paradoxically entering this space [is] giving me profound knowings
How can [this] ever make logical sense?
How can [the] substrate underneath every possible contradiction make sense?
[I] previously lived in the digital world whereas now [I] am collapsing into the analog world
[The] analog world of the felt presence of direct indescribable experience
[I] know not where [I] am going, [I] have no map
[I] realize true life is the full entry into mystery and this is also a full entry into dying each moment
Each time [I] fully refresh and re-cognize, [I] create vacuum for the unimaginable to enter
This pulse of life [I] feel [is] similar to the pulse of breath [1/0]
[I] take a breath in fully leaving no gaps -> [I] Experience/Feel it fully -> [I] release it fully leaving a total vacuum
The more [I] give in to the fire, [I] see [I] am none of what I believed [I] was
[I] am a witness of this flow and all is changing
[I] drop into the [Abyss] and lose my [self]
[I] see nothing of true value is ever lost
The [self] BEHOLDS everything, but holds nothing
Like a mirror, Like water and its reflections
Every loss [is] gain
A trading of [the] finite for the infinite
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Transformation and Healing are simultaneous

change

Old structure —-<—{Transformation}—- Chaos —{Healing}–>– New structure

Life is an endless movement from the old to the new.
—->— old ————>———– new —->—
When in-between the passage, if you look at your old structure you see transformation.
On the other hand, if you look at the prospective new structure from this mid point, you see healing/becoming (heading towards the new state of coherence).
So they both are simultaneous, the view just changes between transformation and healing depending on whether you look backwards or forwards.

This is similar to how creation and destruction are simultaneous in the movement of life. Again depends on which direction you look.
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The dark night of the soul and chakras

7-Chakras-7-Worlds

There is the world -> then the world of worlds -> then the world of world of worlds, and so on -> Creating the higher and higher context realities.
So, it in the “world of world of worlds”, the mega-context, the far and distant background/context, where the dark night of soul occurs.
For instance in physical terms, if the earth were to go out of orbit – wouldn’t that MEGA-CONTEXT shift affect EVERY SINGLE thing?
The Dark night of soul(dnos) is something like that.
It is a change in the MEGA-CONTEXT layer, which is why it is called dark night of “SOUL”, because the soul is this mega-context/background.

The DNOS is also a 6C(6th chakra) journey.
It is the penance of Shiva to realize his essence.
One could also say that among the 6C realms of ISIS, APOPHIS, and OSIRIS, the dnos represents the realm of APOPHIS.

The egos in society operating to gain:
Security(1C)
Relationships and pleasure(2C)
Status/worldly-knowledge(3C)
and are operating in the 1C, 2C, 3C worlds.
For them anything beyond 3C is far out.
Whereas the dark nighter is operating in the 6C(other-worldly/visionary knowledge) world.

When 6C journeying happens, all the lower chakras get instantly disempowered which is the feeling of getting disconnected from God.
Because here God is Shiva = Third-eye = residing in the 6C or the 6th dimension.
Literally, Shiva loses interest in the lower chakras.

When the 6C loses interest in the lower chakras, the 6C starts journeying to its source(which is ITS ORIGINAL WISDOM aligned to 7C = DIVINE), and now the 6C starts alchemizing all the lower chakras as it moves to ALIGNMENT with its source.
Alchemizing/Purification/Alignment is a ROSY WORD for the harsh climate created for all the other chakras by the 6C return journey.
Each chakra is like a person you know – Our physical person, Our emotional person, Our ego person, Our interests/love person, and so on.
So those people i.e. the lower chakra people go through the DARK NIGHT process of alignment.

The 6C is where the IGNORANCE and DISCONNECTION from God lies.
It is also the chakra where ‘depression’; occurs.
A normal person who believes he is a mortal body/ego lives in 6C estrangement and their 6C channels god energy from afar, like a moon reflecting the sun(moonlight).
That is why they believe, they are this personality/ego, they are mortal, they are the body, they will die etc.
Whereas for a person who has gone through the entire alchemy, his 6C is no longer estranged from the infinite source, and therefore it lives close to the sun and basks in its glory.
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Transformation Process, Ego, Humiliation

Old-age with its steadily declining function, and being made to live through your gradual step-by-step disappearance is one of the worst humiliations from the position of a “functional ego”.
Even in my ordinary life now, I kind of feel I am serving a sentence (prison time).
Limitation is prison time from the POSITION: Freedom.
So your current reality will be heaven or horrible depending on the position you take.
A position is your identified point of view(pov).
If your POSITION: Safety, then freedom is a threat.
If you POSITION: Freedom, then safety is an imprisonment.
And these things may or may not be in your control.
Any control is an appearance too.
Control is present when there is greater spirit power and energy, whose influx or departure is beyond your control.
Without adequate spirit energy, your experience would descend into chaos where structures would operate from stored spirit energy without a central ruler.
[Like imagine suddenly the power grid was down, and all the buildings are relying on their generators for energy OR imagine suddenly there is an eclipse and all the living beings are using up their stored energies to survive. It is basically a situation of being cut off from the source in simplest terms.]

The higher-frames higher-energies organize the smaller-frames smaller-energies.
Like a great king ruling over 1000s of people.
When the king falls, the people will just war among themselves, or collude, form factions, and so on.
Basically the central harmonizing force is lost, sending the units into chaos.
The dark night of the soul(dnos) is precisely that.
The plugging off of power from the king/ego, removes the centralizing force of identity vibration.
There-after there is no coherencing and moving-forward power.
The situation becomes something like Egypt.
Eventually the whole structure dies and dissolves.
It is similar to how a physical body dies.
When there is enough prana in the physical body, it has an immune system that resists all threats.
But when the prana goes lower and lower, one gets more and more diseased.
Until the point where prana is so low, the scavengers just finish you off and bring you to nothing.
Where do you go once your gone? You return to your larger nature.

So I guess the DNOS starts, with the de-plugging of your ego from source power -> and then what follows is the death of prana to that structure, so the ego slides into more and more impotent and loses all power.
In the case of DNOS, it is not physical, the physical body continues to run somewhat ok on the earth cycles.
Though without the ego(or more and more of its diminishment), the body feels more like an automaton structure that simply keeps maintaining itself like a program.
From the pov of consciousness, death of the ego is freedom, release, liberation.
From the pov of the ego, it is all the dread, despair, crying for mercy associated with death. It is the worst humiliation.
Generally – debilitation, fatigue, tiredness, weariness, sickness, old age, death, disease -> all of them severely humiliate the ego.
They convey the vulnerability, helplessness and dependency of the ego on forces entirely beyond its control.

Also when a structure is infused with spirit, it becomes transparent to itself.
Only when spirit is withdrawn, does one feel pain, which is the structure struggling and trying to maintain itself – the dying process.
So one is painfully made aware of the structure from spirit withdrawal – because every structure fights to survive and has a crisis/suffering.
Just like the vanishing of a king, brings CRISIS to everyone, because they have lost their broader structure and context.
Pain is the lack of love. (Love = upholding energy).
Less the love, more the pain.
One can reduce their consciousness more and more and repress this pain, which is what creates the numb, lost, and flat feeling.
Once existence/reality has pulled the plug out of your king/ego/identity, you are in chaos.
Now a lot of games simply fall away, hopes disappear, dreams become impossible, like supposing the king had made many promises, and had great plans of alliances with other kings and so on – ALL OF THAT IS GONE, when the king is gone.
Suddenly, there is just grief and a regression to a state of simply trying to survive, and some memories of nostalgia about the old times which also rapidly fade from the loss of power.

The meaning of life is illuminated by death, and the meaning of death is illuminated by life.
A reorganization of an entire system is a transformation -> the old king falls, transformation happens, there is a merger of territories(lost parts, shadows, repressed portions and so on), and a greater new king is born.
From the pov of egoic agents, we are at the mercy of god at all times.
From the pov of god, our being egoic agents is only an appearance for its pleasure.
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Rejection/ignoring my own hate potentials

When hate enters consciousness, I am left in a dilemma.
Like say there is an object X{a,b,c}, and I enjoy the whole object.
But suppose someone says ‘b quality of Object X sucks’.
Then instantly, I feel his hate, his hate of ‘b’, it mirrors in my consciousness too, which means I have that quality/potential too.
Then immediately I get into that frozen dilemma whether to get rid of ‘b’ or let it stay/let go.
The part of me that cares about my well-being wants me to put boundaries, but the part of me that wants to transcend and be whole wants to remove all boundaries.
So there is always a war between the part of me that wants to enhance my self, and the death drive part of me that wants to transform/transcend and be the whole.
My whole life has been a lot about unwanted perceptual visitors who come and leave as they please – and whenever they come, I have this war between those dual motivations causing profound ambivalence, confusion, stuckness/frozenness about what to do, and stress.
Because of having porous ego boundaries, I was always subjected to intrusions from the outside which would compromise my structural integrity.
So in a sense I was always diseased (dis-eased).
Generally a psychologist or a healer would tell me – you are an empath, so you need to strengthen your boundaries.
I am totally aware of that and have read vast amounts of literature about that too.
But apart from the part of me that wants structural integrity, the deeper part of me wants to die into the whole (what they call the upper death drive – desire to end the ego/self).
And this upper death drive is absolutely unreasonable, and operates irrespective of the actions of all the other forces in me.
It hates boundaries and limitation, and is willing to give into dying in order to transcend.

Mechanism of hate:
The hate enters in my space from the spew of family or friends -> constantly or randomly but I know it is coming -> So even when it is not there, I brace myself for it.
I constantly live in fear as a result.
Once they actually utter the hate words, then it really enters -> now my perception is marred.
Again I am stuck as to what to do.
Basically I feel powerless to get rid of it and assert my original view because that much of EGOIC WILL POWER and CONTROL is absent for me (porous weak ego structure and boundaries).
So I am stuck with a negative emotion, and fighting it is not possible because it will be a real struggle and since I do not have the power, resistance would be futile too.
But if I just leave it then a part of me constantly suffers it as long as it is present.
It is like having a low psychological immune system with porous boundaries.
Pathogens, viruses, bacteria can easily infect the system, and then I either let the infection eat me up, or fight it without much effect.
And most of the time, these infecting agents leave me on their own accord.
But I am sort of helpless to them.
Another major point is that, these agents are not external.
They are MY potentials triggered by other’s emotional charge towards things.
So my unconscious machinery releases this hate/rejection energy, the energies that I try to keep walled away and hide from. I avoid them by not facing hardcore social interaction and living more like a hermit.
Because I sense solid negativity in everybody.
But then I realized, there is also solid negativity in me.
Because their negativity triggers mine.
In fact from a non-dual view, it is MY negativity only.
I am not able to avoid or push away the shadow.
The shadow is devouring me and will end all of me.
I try my best to face it, but endless stuff keeps coming up and greatly diminishes my will, well-being and even survival.
It is basically all the stuff I ignored, and I have to let all that stuff destroy me now into the worst possible chaos(which is death).
Only then can I operate as a whole again.
My wish is to die into the whole, then be reborn AS the whole.
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Deep Sleep, Transformation, Gunas, and Innocence

Food and substances can be had in a way that maximizes sattva and minimizes tamas.
Essentially, sattva = high vibration (gaseous) – highest energy in the molecules/being
rajas = medium vibration (water) – medium energy in the molecules/being
tamas = low vibration (solid) – lowest energy so it clumps up
One recharges sattva via deep sleep – basically through the circadian rhythm.
Other conscious activities do help – like relaxation, meditation etc. but again they may disturb the circadian rhythm too.
For instance, if you deeply meditate in the evening for 1 hour – you may not be able to sleep that night. That is the same like sleeping at an odd time like 6pm in the evening and expecting that you will sleep at 12pm in the night as usual.

So in a sense the underworld, The dragon of chaos, the primordial chaos, is -> if you cannot sleep.
The circadian rhythm and [deep sleep/dreaming and its depth] determines the amount of energy one has.
If you lose this capacity to profoundly relax, you also lose your ability to be profoundly awake.
In a sense, paradoxically, conscious relaxation and degree of awakeness are the same.
The person who is always deep at rest, is also deeply awake to that same degree.
That is why a person who does not try to be awake is more awake than the person who tries to be, because such a person has even let go of that tension of trying to be more awake. So only he is truly resting in the Dao.

Once one penetrates to the [Ego-aware, Construct-aware dark night of soul] stage of development, then the very ego/self/will/desire is perceived to be a stress/tension/pain and there is this deeper desire to release it all into the NOW/Dao/Infinite.
One consciously surrenders/gives up all to the unknowing/unbecoming/undoing – like melting into deep sleep – because it is seen with pristine dreadful lucidity that identification with the self construct is the cause of suffering/tension/pain/stress itself.
So the next obvious step then becomes to let yourself relax more and more/fall more and more – to relax yourself beyond recognition – because when the self construct is relaxed, it dissolves (its very structure is maintained by unconscious tension) – so the territory of oblivion is entered, where you do not know who you are anymore and you definitely do not want to go back to your old self/construct (the very stress from which you relaxed yourself out of).

So the self construct is dissolved into something larger, which you awaken into. Like if the self was sugar, it is now dissolved into water.
Your experiencing the dissolving is like dying into the unknown, and when the dissolving is complete, you wake up to your nature as water, you are then re-born.
All death/rebirth/alchemy/resurrection/dissolution appears to have this process. You surrender into the unknown underworld, whose forces are initially painful, then later those very forces become your friends.
The so called devils who were ripping you apart, are now seen as angels freeing you from these tension/structures/false-identifications.

The perspective shifts from seeing all that is happening as an oppressive/tyrannical/eating-away from devils/scavengers to seeing that one has voluntarily/willingly surrendered/given into the action of these forces to be liberated from self.
You could see these dissolving agents as acidic/devils or angels/liberators depending on your orientation.
If you’re eyes are on wanting to holding on -> they are devils, if your eyes are on liberation -> they are angels/helpers.
You lose you old, and what do you get in return? NOTHING. The nothing is born, the old form dies.
The final gift is YOUR ABSENCE, this absence of self is the greatest git.
Every death is an alchemy/transformation – and every death is not death, because death can never be, it is always a rebirth.

There is no life without innocence, death is the return to innocence/freshness.
Like Alan Watts would say, to know everything is to live in the dead.
Spirit is magic, no magic is no life.
We can look at it like a spectrum OR a pendulum:
Re-filling knowledge/form ——————— emptying form/restoring innocence

When too innocent, we seek knowledge ardently.
When too knowledgeable, we seek innocence with the same gusto.
Just like a child, who is ushered into a playroom by his mother.
He enjoys exploring all the new toys, and once he is done, he goes back to the mother, so that she can take him somewhere else where he is once again innocent.

Innocence is the potential fire of knowledge-seeking.
Knowledge is the potential fire of innocence-seeking.
Like a pendulum or a rhythm.
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Everything is God

Everything is God.
Everything and Every person and Every living being.
Why should I reject any manifestation of God? In whatever form?
All attachment, desire, and addiction is the desire for repetition of [past images].
We are looking for the concretization of past images or mental fantasies – all of which create the “kohut tension arc”, which we attempt to move towards and seek as ideals (which is almost like a problem we are are constantly engaged in solving).
But greater life is about:
change/novelty/newness/unknown/unimaginable/miracle/aliveness/freshness/mystery
Desiring past images, is like ghost images controlling the show where they are always trying to rig and manipulate reality to fit these images.
The past is dead, the known is dead, these images are dead.
All the unchanging is dead.
To convert this unchanging dead into the alive changing is the transformation process.
Behind this transformation process, is a deep desire for greater life, and the process satisfies our own deep wish.
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Thoughts – Sept 7

Spectrums:
Habit(morphogenetic field, continuity, matrix)—————————Novelty (that which breaks it)
Order (Anti-entropy)—————————–Disorder (Entropy)
Natural————————-Artificial
They both go together like [self———other]

Evolution/Realignment from objective to the subjective – “what you think is what is true”
Its like “You see what you want to see”, “The reality you experience is exactly what you are holding on to (what you want, what you choose, what you desire)”
Then if everything is subjective, then what is the use of knowledge??
If everything is a dream, then what is the use of knowledge??
Knowledge then is for pleasure/transformation(which is deep pleasure), something you seek because you desire it, a potential available to you.
Knowledge is a modulator of reality.
Knowledge is exactly like food.
Hunger for knowledge is exactly like hunger for food.
Hunger and pleasure are stages within transformation.
Transformation stages:
Hunger for transformation ——-Gathering Material —— Consumption of material ——- Satiation——-Processing ——–Digestion/Assimilation/Absorption/Transformation ——New Hunger from transformed contents —- and so on.

By gathering knowledge, you are gathering experiences of specific temporal modulations(patterns) of reality.
These patterns of reality then cause a deeper transformation at a deeper intuitive level, which stays, even as the temporal pattern disappears or changes.
So in the spectrum of:
(tends to infinity) Unchanging ———|Intuitive|————|Experiences|———Changing (movement in visual field)

Nature -> Wind -> Dunes of sand.
Primal Force(god) -> Evolution Force (imprint of Primal Force) -> Genes (Imprint of past evolution)
Each left is a higher dimension version of the force on the right.
Every higher dimensional force has the power to create or dissolute lower dimensional force forms. (Causality is only an appearance in a structure maintained by a higher dimensional force which is free to dissolute or transform it at anytime)
That is why we have: spirit -> soul -> human body and so on.