Tag: Spirituality

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Dark night of soul – The longing for rest

meltingcandle

I feel so much of tiredness/lassitude/fatigue/blankness.
I cannot bring the formless to form using my power.
There is no will, interest, or energy to do so.
I am too tired to focus and object-ify anything.
My desire is to relax further and further into the formless and to rest in the ground of being.

I am too tired to do the self-ing action(self-ing is a verb, we self ourselves into existence, it is an unconscious effort)
My self has lost all potency of becoming.
Rather, I want to relax myself out of objectified existence.
All my drive is towards unbecoming now.
Everything is blank as I enter into a barely/dimly conscious dissociative space.
A state which I knew since earliest childhood, it feels familiar.
A state of blankness and void.

I feel a loss of desire/interest/will/force/potency of all mental powers, faculties as I relax.
This also removes all ambitions, hopes, investments, ideals, goals, which rest over and above the former powers.
It is like gradually falling asleep and entering the hypnogogic symbolic state of fluid mind and staying there.
My signal is tuning out and relaxing and entering the primordial ground of being.

There is only a flow, and very weak selves arise, morph, or pass.
I feel a loss of all powers from this relaxation – a relaxing of the self-ing power itself back into the void/blankness/spontaneous happening.
The insight I get is that, it is the “ground of being” that emerges out of itself as SELF-ing and then DE-SELFs and relaxes back into itself. (creating the cycle of becoming and unbecoming, just like the day and night cycle).
I am only dimly conscious of objects, mostly just of a broad boundary-less abstract blank.

I cannot tighten my mental muscles to focus on any objects, there is no will to do so.
My relaxation takes me into the objectless/formless/timeless/limbo/symbolic, and I cannot OBJECT-IFY or FOCUS.
All I wish for is a deep sleep back into non-existence/void/whatever my substrate is.
I am just tired weary and wish for SLEEP.
I feel like it is 3am for my soul, which is just waiting for a deep sleep back into itself.

I see insights like “All of life is relationship”.
And now I am de-coloring/de-cathecting all my relationships to objects and sinking back into the formless, timeless, wholeness, and unknowable void.
Just like we have bright daytime activity and the sleep of night, I intuit the soul too has days and nights.
I wish for a safe sleep into the ground of being.
My process now, is to remove all blockages, responsibilities, bondage and relationships that are preventing full rest and keeping me up.
Maybe a time will come after I sleep when I want to rejoin the world in inspiration, excitement, love, and fervor.
But now is the night for me.
I want to sink back to my source.
I want to die into the abstract.
This also reflects the title of my blog “Journey to the abstract”.
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Prayer of a weary soul

prayer

[I] hand over my really tired, weak, and weary desireless exhausted [self] over to thee
There [is] an incredible amount of emptiness in [me]
[I’m] barely conscious
Like [I] have been fully knocked out
There [is] not much left in [me] to put up a fight or resist.
[I] can barely stand on my own feet, let alone walk
What [is] this deathly condition?
[I] feel heavy, encumbered, overwhelmed, paralyzed, burdened, weary and can barely keep my head up
[A] severe deficiency of will power/desire/energy
The viruses or entropic agents within are getting the better of me, and [I] have exhausted [my] fight now
[I] can no longer ward off this inevitable destruction
So [I] stop resisting and surrender to death or total transformation
Which [is] what [I] avoided, most of [my] life
Why resist [the] inevitable? This has always been waiting for me anyway
So [I] give myself fully into [the] fire and chaos of transformation
[I] am actually dying into [the] fire of life
[My] avoidance of death [is] the avoidance of life
Because to give [oneself] into the fire, is to give in to 100% change or the ‘life process’ itself
[I] am fulfilling “Thy shall be done”
[I] have no belief anymore regarding what is on the other side
Because to have belief [is] to not give in sincerely
[I] am willingly entering the chaos of profound unknowing
Paradoxically entering this space [is] giving me profound knowings
How can [this] ever make logical sense?
How can [the] substrate underneath every possible contradiction make sense?
[I] previously lived in the digital world whereas now [I] am collapsing into the analog world
[The] analog world of the felt presence of direct indescribable experience
[I] know not where [I] am going, [I] have no map
[I] realize true life is the full entry into mystery and this is also a full entry into dying each moment
Each time [I] fully refresh and re-cognize, [I] create vacuum for the unimaginable to enter
This pulse of life [I] feel [is] similar to the pulse of breath [1/0]
[I] take a breath in fully leaving no gaps -> [I] Experience/Feel it fully -> [I] release it fully leaving a total vacuum
The more [I] give in to the fire, [I] see [I] am none of what I believed [I] was
[I] am a witness of this flow and all is changing
[I] drop into the [Abyss] and lose my [self]
[I] see nothing of true value is ever lost
The [self] BEHOLDS everything, but holds nothing
Like a mirror, Like water and its reflections
Every loss [is] gain
A trading of [the] finite for the infinite
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My Longing

longing

I feel a longing in direct experience, but it is hard to describe it.
Here is my attempt to come close to describing it:
Longing for God
Longing for Rest
Longing to Relax
Longing for Disappearance
Longing for Deep Sleep
Longing for Ecstasy
Longing for the Infinite
Longing for Release
Longing for Liberation
Longing for Wholeness
Longing for Integration
Longing for Silence
Longing to be released from the Body
Longing to be released from Identity
Longing to know ‘What I Am’
Longing for Flow
Longing for Death
Longing for Peace
Longing for Love
Longing for Understanding
Longing for Purpose
Longing for Revelation
Longing for Freedom
Longing for Bliss/Pleasure
Longing for Clarity
Longing for Mystery
Longing for the Beyond
Longing for Surrender
Longing for Truth
Longing for Light
Longing for Inspiration
Longing for Connection
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Will good really triumph over evil?

Ying Yang Fish

Is this a naive conception? Fairy tale concept?
OR is there any real deep basis to this?
Will creation really win over destruction?
Will white really win over black?
Will light win over darkness?
Will consciousness really win over unconsciousness?
Will evolution really win over devolution?
Will progress really win over regress?
Will good really win over evil?
Will knowledge really win over ignorance?
Will enlightenment really win over delusion?
Will order really win over chaos?
Will truth win over the false?
Will virtue win over vice?
Will heaven win over hell?
Will pleasure win over pain?

If the ultimate reality/god/logos etc. is everything, then,
How can we equate god to only the: good/white/light/consciousness/evolution/progress
/good/knowledge/enlightenment/order/truth/virtue/heaven/pleasure?
Isn’t god also: evil/black/dark/unconscious/devolution/regress
/bad/ignorant/deluded/chaos/false/vice/hell/pain?

Many would acknowledge the dark aspect of god, but somehow they would have a reservation about it that god is more light than dark somehow.
Why should this be the case?
There is an equally infinity on both sides isn’t it:
-ve infinity ———-0————–+ve infinity
Why should the positive portion be any more real than the negative component?

Look at the Yin-Yang symbol itself:
Destructive forces everywhere can reduce creative forces to a seed potential.
Similarly, creative forces everywhere can reduce destructive forces to a seed potential.
The seed potential is the black eye in the white fish and the white eye in the black fish of the Yin-Yang symbol.
The opposite potential never gets extinguished and the drama is free to make that arise however intensely it deems it so.

The more I think about it:
God is “NOTHING”.
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True persona vs. False persona

true-false

There are various equivalent spectrums:
High spirit power —————– Low spirit power
God attuned Ego/Self ———– Distant tuned Ego/Self
Vitality —————————— Depression
Coherence/Effortless harmony ———– Chaotic/Efforted harmony
Seratonin, Dopamine abundance ———- Seratonin Dopamine scarcity
Sun ———————— Moon
Truth ———————- Falsity
Giver ———————- Taker
Source ——————– Parasite
Home ——————— Exile
Abundance ————– Scarcity

The false persona needs borrowed energy to live OR it must live super frugally.
The god attuned persona on the other hand does not need energy from anybody else or anything, it has an infinite source of power within itself.
The false persona suffers when the true persona has not been cut off.
The constant conflict between the false person and the true persona manifests as disharmony and suffering.
Like 2 radio frequencies interfering with each other creating a lot of noise (which is suffering in this context).
When the false persona entirely cuts off the true persona, it lives without suffering and in full disconnection from abundance.
So such a persona lives purely opportunistically.
Since all connection is derived from connection to the true self, so a total severing of that connection is also a total severing of love.
So then the false persona works as an independent agent solely caring about its advantage and using the world as much as it can for its benefit.
Whereas the person who still has connection to his true self experiences a divide between:
Abundance/True self ———————————- Scarcity/False self
Service to other —————————————- Service to self
There are various degrees of polarization along this line.
People may fluctuate and move along this line experiencing suffering THROUGHOUT from the conflicting values of the 2 sides.
After all, Conflict = Suffering.
No Conflict = No suffering.
If you polarize to any one end, you would not suffer.
However when you are in the middle, there is a choice.
What will you choose?
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Society and the chakras

spiral-dynamics

In a society run primarily in 1C, 2C, & 3C, life revolves more or less around these 3 chakra values with some fringe activity in the 4C,5C, 6C, & 7C.
Generally societies have a center of gravity which forms its nucleus and all the other chakras orient around the center, which is the organizing principle.

Societal levels:
1C(physical) = The physical power/fitness/looks/health marketplace.
Here the rule would be ‘might is right’.

2C(informal/group/relationship status) = The socio-sexual marketplace. Dealing with personality and seduction. Here the rule is ‘seduction and influence wins’.

3C(formal/political/societal status) = The socio-political marketplace of power/authority/influence/certifications/proven-worth. Here the rule is ‘formal positions of power/control/possession win’

So the 3 levels are of increasing scope from – individual -> group -> society.
And there is status and value attributed to each of these levels.

If society was run with the center of gravity in the 4C, 5C and 6C, here are some possibilities of what that might look like:
4C society = altruism, cooperation, willingness to see/understand, willingness to include(love), culture-centric pov, DEEP and TRUE interests (not vested interest) for the thing in and of itself and for its own sake.

5C society = ecological understanding, truth/wisdom seeking, planet-centric pov, symbolic level depth understandings (motifs, hieroglyphs, mythologies), gestalt vision, harmony, pure fundamental science.

6C society = seeking the philosophers stone, true vision, understanding various worlds/povs and altered states of consciousness, grounding in the pov of ‘all is consciousness’ as the foundation, intuitive depths, instant knowing, psychic potentials, formless in-sight, w-holistic, law of ONE etc.

7C society = non-local, non-dual, quantum, non-linear, formless, transcendence of time-space, powers beyond imagination etc.
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Sensations, Psychological activity, and Integration

There are multiple sensations of chaos/pain -> simultaneously happening in:
1 – Sensation/physical reality
2 – Mind/psychological reality
One is not the cause of the other.
Rather both are simultaneous.
1 – Every sensation carries the potential for the psychological effects
2 – Psychological effects carry the potential for sensational effects.
[Sensation effects Psychological effects] = Are ONE, they come together
Focus shifts:
1 – However it is possible to focus on the sensation alone.
2 – OR It is possible to focus solely on psychological effects.
Generally the psychological reality is much more complex that the bare sensation and it can trigger a world of thoughts/memories.
1 – If one wants to rest, then it is possible to simply rest on sensation which by virtue of focus suspends the psychological animation/activity. [Depression – depression by itself is simply rest]
One then experiences only pure sensation with no interpretation.
2 – If one wants to delve into the psychological world of the sensations, then a channel of expression such as free-writing can reveal all the webs of meaning of potential opened up by the sensation.
Here one can get absorbed into all the narratives, stories, webs and principles.

‘Attention/Focus’ is what limits reality to one or the other.
Can one pay attention to the sensation and thought together?
Yes, to an extent, but there is a limitation here – it can tire you quickly.
As a rule:
1 – Divided attention tends to tire – because it takes a lot of energy.
2 – Single minded attention tends to relax – because it uses a much thinner stream of directed energy.
So interestingly, paying attention reduces energy expenditure since the reservoir of energy available is channeled.
That is how people can do focused work for many hours(one thing is relevant, rest is irrelevant), but when they are restless with nothing to do(all is relevant), they can get depleted very rapidly.
It is similar to a circuit.
– If the circuit is not properly closed, then the energy leaks in a lot of places.
– If it is fully closed, then energy is conserved.
The next question though will be about the focus structures themselves.
‘Focus structures’ are driven by desire.
But desire is usually shaped by self-concept/ego-concept structures created in the early years.
Then there is the deeper archetypal desires of your self/soul which are more global and abstract.
So generally again there is a dichotomy here:
1 – If your ego-concept aligns fairly well with your soul/deeper desire -> you function and explore happily within the structure of your ego in the world.
2 – If your ego-concept is distant from your soul desire (your true wisdom) -> the soul will drive most of the efforts into correcting that and seeking learning.

In point 2, that disharmony = pain, and this pain will drive you towards the task of acquiring the necessary understanding to bridge the gap that will integrate and reshape the self-concept.
In such a case, there may be a movement towards dissolution of structure and entering the deeper chaos (the chaos is from lack of conscious nurture) again to realign with your soul-potentials which were abandoned earlier.
Why is there a dissolution? – because probably the structure has already served its purpose and most of its potentials have been explored OR it could be from having many neglected potentials which were not included in your early structure, necessitating integration work via. intuiting of higher order principles as executive agents for the reassembly.
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There is no karma/causation/history

causation

The whole notion of there being an accumulation or karma – a storehouse of impressions – is this really true?
Isn’t it is a kind of dream or a kind of imagination?
Isn’t it a kind of dream that a person gravitates to, to find meaning in his life.
What if there is no storehouse, and it is all arising NOW as the emergence/unfolding of the ONE?
Is there really any HISTORY at all?
What if there is no such thing as history apart from an “Imagined history”?
What(the field?) is it that is dreaming up this world?

By imagined I don’t mean the part of imagination that you control consciously (working memory and conscious mind etc.).
I mean the whole that includes the entirety of the IMAGINAL SPACE including the parts that you cannot control but yet are you.

Control is not the only factor determining ownership.
You are both – what you can control and what you cannot control.
You are both – what is voluntary and what is involuntary.
You are the field, and that includes parts you can control and parts you cannot.

The “Small You” as you picture yourself, appears in this SPACE (this space is your context), and the “Real You” is this whole space/field.
You are the imagination of the the philosophers stone, and the philosophers stone appears to you in your imagination as an object (PARADOX).
Is it the same paradox as idol worship.
You see the ALL in the idol, so you are within the idol’s field and it is also true that the idol is an object within your field.
To solve this paradox, we have to understand the holographic nature of reality. We have to understand “mutually-dependent origination”(Buddhism) and the “Indra’s net concept”(Hinduism).
Every point is the whole and contains the whole.
1 – The drop contains the whole ocean
2 – And so does every other drop
3 – And each drop’s potential is reflected in each and every other drop
Contemplate on points 1, 2 and 3.
So you can see the whole from any point of view(pov).
Because every point contains ALL.
That is how one can have those mystical experiences we hear about from people on LSD such as “Seeing the entire universe in an ashtray etc. Other examples might be: Getting the experience of shiva through an idol OR Even seeing the whole universe reflected in the eyes of a lover.

I feel like then the idea of karma, and that one has to exhaust all their impressions and then reach a certain projected/”imaginal” state of peace/bliss/happiness/completion/enlightenment is a dream.
The greatest dream is the dream of pursuing enlightenment.
There is no karma at all.
There is no self or other at all.
There is only the unfoldment of the ONE/WHOLE.
There is no causation because there is no time(time is an appearance in imagination) and no separate objects(separation is an appearance in imagination(of the field)), for one to influence/affect or be the cause of the change of state in an other.
Nothing is substantial and nothing exists apart from the ONE/WHOLE.
No part exists independently from the whole, but rather each part is in-fact part is an appearance of the whole and sustained by the whole.

The whole field is animated by the divine point light like the projector ray of light which moves so fast it creates the illusion of an APPEARANCE/WORLD/CONTEXT/MAYA.
So as one increases one’s frequency of perception more and more, the transition that happens is like: Say you are looking at the TV, and the frequency of your eye keeps on increasing (to the level of a horse fly and greater), what would happen?
Eventually the persistence of vision (1/10th of a second normally) will decrease more and more, and you would start to see images flashing more and more rapidly. Soon the PICTURE would DISAPPEAR, and this is akin to the dissolution of the ILLUSION/MAYA.
Finally when your frequency is super high, you will just see the one point of light (which is actually responsibly for drawing the whole picture).
Now this persistence of vision is an analogy for your FREQUENCY OF VIBRATION.
Higher vibration beings see “what is objectively real for a lower vibrational being” as being only a possibility or an appearance.
What is real for a lower vibrational being is an appearance for a higher vibrational being.

Analogy:
A horse fly may be able to pass in and out of the spinning fan blades.
What looks like a circular solid object to you (fan blades when the fan is in full speed from persistence of vision), to the horse fly it just looks like 3 blades moving, and it can easily find the gap and pass in and out of the horizontal plane of the fan.
Similarly a higher vibration being can perform miracles simply because he sees all the gaps in the rock like illusion of a lower dimensional being.
He can easily see the whole structure of it and its pattern of unfoldment.

So I can say “PERSISTENCE OF VISION” = responsible for creating illusion/dream/maya/continuity. (metaphorically)

Another analogy would be, supposing you are watching a movie, and a character pushes another character and the other one falls down.
Now, from the screen’s point of view, did the 1st character pixels really CAUSE the 2nd character pixels to fall down or shift? OR was it all simply done by the screen?
The whole thing was an emanation from the whole screen, and no part in the screen was the cause of any other part’s movement or affect.
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The whole moves the whole

Peintures

The whole moves the whole (truth)
No part moves the whole (illusion of agency)
No part moves another part (illusion of causation)
The whole has no history (story/narrative illusion)
It is ever refreshing, ever renewing (dance of the ONE)
The whole is alive (I am aliveness)
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The dark night of the soul and chakras

7-Chakras-7-Worlds

There is the world -> then the world of worlds -> then the world of world of worlds, and so on -> Creating the higher and higher context realities.
So, it in the “world of world of worlds”, the mega-context, the far and distant background/context, where the dark night of soul occurs.
For instance in physical terms, if the earth were to go out of orbit – wouldn’t that MEGA-CONTEXT shift affect EVERY SINGLE thing?
The Dark night of soul(dnos) is something like that.
It is a change in the MEGA-CONTEXT layer, which is why it is called dark night of “SOUL”, because the soul is this mega-context/background.

The DNOS is also a 6C(6th chakra) journey.
It is the penance of Shiva to realize his essence.
One could also say that among the 6C realms of ISIS, APOPHIS, and OSIRIS, the dnos represents the realm of APOPHIS.

The egos in society operating to gain:
Security(1C)
Relationships and pleasure(2C)
Status/worldly-knowledge(3C)
and are operating in the 1C, 2C, 3C worlds.
For them anything beyond 3C is far out.
Whereas the dark nighter is operating in the 6C(other-worldly/visionary knowledge) world.

When 6C journeying happens, all the lower chakras get instantly disempowered which is the feeling of getting disconnected from God.
Because here God is Shiva = Third-eye = residing in the 6C or the 6th dimension.
Literally, Shiva loses interest in the lower chakras.

When the 6C loses interest in the lower chakras, the 6C starts journeying to its source(which is ITS ORIGINAL WISDOM aligned to 7C = DIVINE), and now the 6C starts alchemizing all the lower chakras as it moves to ALIGNMENT with its source.
Alchemizing/Purification/Alignment is a ROSY WORD for the harsh climate created for all the other chakras by the 6C return journey.
Each chakra is like a person you know – Our physical person, Our emotional person, Our ego person, Our interests/love person, and so on.
So those people i.e. the lower chakra people go through the DARK NIGHT process of alignment.

The 6C is where the IGNORANCE and DISCONNECTION from God lies.
It is also the chakra where ‘depression’; occurs.
A normal person who believes he is a mortal body/ego lives in 6C estrangement and their 6C channels god energy from afar, like a moon reflecting the sun(moonlight).
That is why they believe, they are this personality/ego, they are mortal, they are the body, they will die etc.
Whereas for a person who has gone through the entire alchemy, his 6C is no longer estranged from the infinite source, and therefore it lives close to the sun and basks in its glory.