Birth is like the start of a skydive, The jumping off the plane. Imagine there are some clouds that you first pass through. Then just after that, one is overwhelmed, mesmerized, and stunned, As the stunning vista becomes visible.
There is the feeling of falling at warp speed, But the visuals look like everything is almost still, With the earth inching towards you ever so slowly. This is the time of great splendor of vision, Where you see a bird’s eye view of all the possibilities.
While growing up we go through 3-4 stages of faster biological development. -0.9-0 = Development in the womb (passing through the clouds) 0-7 = Physical development (grand vista first sight – 20s) 7-14 = Emotional/Sexual development (next 20s freefall) 14-21 = Intellectual development (next 20s freefall) 21-25 = Higher intellectual development (extra 10s of freefall) So till the age of 25, we are on a magical ride of sort, Hitting all the numerous developmental milestones. The part from 0-25years of age I feel is like the free fall part of the skydive.
Then once we reach a lower altitude of around 5000ft, The parachute is opened. There is then a drastic reduction in speed, Things slow down quite a bit, And now we stabilize mentally and emotionally. This parachute descent I feel is like the next phase of adulthood from 25-90. Here the number of possibilities for our life has been narrowed down to a great extent. We are fairly stable with a stable identity that moves us along through the rest of our life.
When the parachute comes fairly close to the ground, We still don’t realize the reality of the ground. It still looks like something unreal happening with toy buildings and toy cars put in place. The reality of the ground suddenly hits when you are around 50ft above. It is only then you realize, ‘Oh, this is for real!’. On touchdown there is last run you do before coming to a full halt.
I feel this mimics the stage when we are close to death. Death here is the ground. The final 50ft descent and the touchdown run is the final drama of death. Things once again get a bit dramatic in the last bit.
Here are the different combinations: # This Time, Same space, Same people # This Time. Different space, Same people # This Time, Same space, Different people # This Time, Different space, Different people # Different Time, Same space, Same people # Different Time. Different space, Same people # Different Time, Same space, Different people # Different Time, Different space, Different people
Here, time, space, and people refers to what/whom you hold in your mind more than the actual physical reality differences or the actual people around you. Since your conscious experience of reality is mostly only from what/whom you engage/invest/attend to in your mind.
A timeline for your life can be charted out with these 3 variables, Marking out the broad episodes and flow in your lifetime till date. A diagram might look something like this say:
I wonder if this time-space-people position is some sort of destiny, or prewritten to some extent. Is it prewritten that we would be at this particular time-space-people point now? Is the overall map of our life already charted out in a vague way? In terms of where and whom we’d be with in our minds at a certain time?
In our lifetime we may meet around a 1000 people? 1000 in proportion to 7.5 billion is like ‘7.5 millionth’ of the world population. That means I would have to live 7.5 million lives interacting with 1000 new people in each life to cover the whole population? And how much do we even understand the few people around us? (let alone the 1000 people we may roughly know). We may reach some depth only after many years with a few people, that too only if we keep up the intensity. Imagine the varieties of experiences possible.
Every piece of knowledge must be digested to liberate more fire/spirit from itself. It is similar to real fire from firewood. If you put dry wood, it further enhances the fire. Whereas if you put wet wood, it diminishes it. Similarly, if knowledge quells the fire, then that knowledge is not serving the fire.
There is no good knowledge or bad knowledge. However, whether your fire can handle the knowledge or not is the real question, i.e. whether you have the necessary supports, enzymes, tools etc. to digest it or not, And that is what needs your discretion.
Knowledge must serve and enhance your spirit, Like dry firewood enhances and fuels the fire. If the knowledge being consumed does the reverse, Then that knowledge is not serving your spirit, And it would then diminish your life force.
Every answer you get for a question, When digested fully, will spark 10 other subtler questions. The purpose of an answer is to act like an enzyme to break the question up into subtler and subtler questions.
In a way, this principle also holds true for physical food. If you can digest what you eat, the the food serves you and increases your energy. If the food takes more energy to digest than it provides, It leaves you with lesser energy than when you started off.
This is something that has perplexed me since childhood. I’d keep hearing slogans like ‘be yourself’, ‘love yourself, ‘believe in yourself’, and so on. I used to wonder, what is this self that they are referring to, while pointing at me. Where is this self? What is it? Is it my image of their idea of what I am, what I should be, or what I think they want me to be? Is it my own image of what I am independent of them being around me? But generally my own image of what I am, is heavily and actively conditioned/influenced by who is around me (in silent or talking level interaction with me) and the larger surroundings in that place. Even if nobody is around me, my self is some sort of a more diffused response to the environment around me.
My general personality/disposition/investments/ways of thinking-perceiving-feeling etc. are part nature and part nurture. I can recall an active self forming at the age of 6, then a more developed one at 11, and I think after the age of 28 it seems to have stabilized itself. But what was that active self that first formed? What existed before the age 6? It feels like I just emerged from a bunch of situations throughout early childhood.
Ok, then was I born a clean slate? – I don’t relate with that too. I have no continuous memories of anything below the age 4-5, but I intuit I could have already had a seed with its potentials/proclivities/tendencies/patterns (what they call samkharas and vasanas in vedic literature). So maybe the selves that formed through 6, 11, 20, 24, 28 etc. were different milestones where a distinctive evolving pattern emerged in my vibrating sands (like the sand patterns in Cymatics as the frequency is raised). So my deeper self then could be my bio-memory embedded in the whole body (in its trillions of cells)? – Coming from my forefathers, ancestry, genetics, lineage. That genetics could have passed on its own fantasies, ideals, projects, works, characteristics, goals, preoccupations etc. that I identify with or dis-identify with depending on my own past lives? In my own past lives, again the same situation might have been there, of genetics, upbringing, conditioning, social environment (the yuga at that time) and its influence etc. So it sort of loops on itself. When did it all start?
The dilemma is like, when you are a tree, you search for your source. You find out, you grew from a seed. But a seed cannot grow without the fertile ground. So the ground is also responsible for the tree. But that seed itself has come from a previous full grown tree (the past life), and so on. It goes into an infinite regress loop. My whole quest to find an independent self eludes me. I just cannot grasp a ‘me’ that exists independently.
From my contemplation, I see none of any of this is me. Because if I can perceive it as an object, Then the me must be separate from the object right?! The deeper I contemplate this, I realize that what I am is transcendent of language itself. It is a transcendent dimension, what they call consciousness.
The purpose of understanding I feel is to help you let go/digest/dissolve/transcend the thing. Otherwise the understanding is not taking you in the right direction, if it only increases the holding of it. True solution is dissolution (David Hawkins). I see understanding as the tool to catalyze the dissolution. Understanding should carry you back to the state of wonder with greater fluidity and openness.
When mothers or fathers do not extend a bond to their children, The children may create an “idealized fantasy parent” and then seek for a reflection of that in the world. The reasons for why the mothers/fathers did not extend the bond could be related to their own past. After all they too were children at one time, subject to parents who might have done the same to them, and so on. The parents themselves might be victims of the same, pursuing an ongoing project of meeting an impossible ideal [parent imposed or self created (usually an oppositional reaction)] and redeeming themselves. So like the game of passing the parcel, they pass on their own failed project to their children, who then either continue that or choose otherwise.
PS: The roles of parent and child are in a kind of looping rotation. …Parent -> Child[Parent -> Child[Parent -> Child…
So this goes on and on in the threads of family lineage and genetics. In such cases, each next generation gets wounded by the projection of the ‘previous generation ideals’ on them. Then the next generation either make their own counter ideals or try to fulfill the projected ideals, and accordingly seek in the world. For such family systems, whole threads of genetic lineage then live off an attachment system that is entirely ungrounded/disconnected and based in the imaginal/imaginary spaces of ‘fantasy/ideals/mythic creations’. It is a kind of primal disconnection and dissociation from reality itself, by moving attachment to the imaginary rather than what actually exists.
This also has a close connection to idol (imaginary gods) worship, Which is also based on projection of ideals.
When forming relationships/bonds, I’ve noticed there are 2 clear categories: # The people who bond in reality/actuality # The people who bond in idealization/imagination I’ll talk about the 2nd category here. When both the partners meeting each other have an attachment to their internal idealized figure, they start to project the ideal onto each other. The agreement then is more like a fantasy role-play: “You play my fantasy, and I will play yours.”
There are different relational dynamics that can happen from here. One of them is: One of the parties projects the ideal onto the other, and the other tries to live up to that to secure the bond. Generally the one with the narcissistic wound will take it upon himself/herself to live up to the other’s ideal projection. “If only I can improve myself, strive, and be good enough, to meet the other’s ideal, then I can secure my bond with them.” The one projecting the ideal does so from some kind of primal entitlement that was somehow escaped the socialization process. They are like the demanding baby that expects the whole world to come and serve their needs.
A relationship like this could work, if the fantasy projections are doable and somehow align (socialization generally tempers the ideals to realistic levels). But most of the time, the ideals are intense and impossible. In a way, by very definition, ideals are impossible right? Reality is always something else. So often in such relationships, there is alternating role play, Of the projector and the adapter. Both the parties wound each other’s real selves with each other’s ideals.
The bond is never secured from start to end. However these relationships kindle the inner flames of longing, passion, intensity, purpose, hope and other such feelings. In that sense they are like an adventure and gratify you with the above feelings. They make you forget your pain of disconnection and lostness. They are exciting but empty and illusory – like an extended more involving movie.
Imagine you were really thirsty and ran with full passion and joy towards a mirage in the desert. This experience is something like that. When you do reach the actual sand patch where the mirage was seen, The water has disappeared, and now the mirage has receded to the horizon again. This is how ideals are unsatisfiable and impossible. Even the conception of these ideals keep shifting to more and more complex and impossible forms. No depiction can fully capture the fantasy/ideal.
Various traumas and deprivations may be instrumental in what directions and forms these ideals take. Ultimately we long for the infinite. And when we focus this longing onto the realm of relationships, The above patterns happen. Relationships are a stepping stone and not the end goal itself. If seen that way, and if both the partners are actually seeking god through the relationship, The relationship will only raise them higher.
The body belongs to the earth. It is an extension of the earth. Its life is heavily dependent on the conditions present on earth. The earth-body is a singular system. The body is what the earth puts out and then reabsorbs/recycles back into itself. We cannot separate the body from the earth and take it away from it and still survive.
Even when traveling to space etc. we create incubator like setups, Where we nevertheless still simulate a cocoon of earth like conditions. So we are still bonded to the conditions on earth. As a body we can never be free from earth.
Simulating earth like conditions and traveling outside does not make us free from earth. That is like wanting to experience the Sahara desert, while sitting inside an airconditioned SUV. We will only experience the same conditions that are anyways present on earth. Generally we try to extend the possibilities of bodily experience as much as possible. For instance the experience of 0 gravity, is essentially the experience of an extended free fall. However it is not true adventure. The body is still heavily limited to the needs and dependence on earth like conditions.
Identification with the body but no identification with the earth is ignorance. From a larger perspective, the whole earth is our body. Bondage to the body is bondage to earth itself. Liberation from the body is liberation from earth itself. Can you detach one of your fingers and have it live a life free from your body? In a way, that is how we are bound to the conditions of earth. That too, only certain regions of earth, that are hospitable and favorable to the body. So in essence the body cannot be free from earth by its very nature.
Dispassion comes from the knowledge of infinity. When having infinite desire, how can it be satisfied by one thing?! Desire then becomes like the sun, That shines continuously on everything indiscriminately.
There is no real “reason” for anything, The reason for anything is everything (everything, the way it is). How can an “infinite multi-dimensional inter-connected oceanic happening” fit into a “single thread of reasoning”? The reasoning is just that, one thread of logic. It is one among billions of threads, and threads of all sizes. So the mind is more of an elucidator, expounder, expresser, and reflector. There is only commentary/expression/reflection/study/understanding. So there isn’t any clear ‘why’, ‘reason’, ’cause’ for anything. There are no hard conclusions, only soft ones, And no absolute causality because causality comes from threads of reason, and there are infinite such threads running forwards and backwards and criss-cross. The whole moves the whole. It is all one gigantic absurdity or wonder. The dream is simply dreamed as an expression of infinite-possibility. All is but an appearance in consciousness/field.