Transformation Process, Ego, Humiliation

Old-age with its steadily declining function, and being made to live through your gradual step-by-step disappearance is one of the worst humiliations from the position of a “functional ego”.
Even in my ordinary life now, I kind of feel I am serving a sentence (prison time).
Limitation is prison time from the POSITION: Freedom.
So your current reality will be heaven or horrible depending on the position you take.
A position is your identified point of view(pov).
If your POSITION: Safety, then freedom is a threat.
If you POSITION: Freedom, then safety is an imprisonment.
And these things may or may not be in your control.
Any control is an appearance too.
Control is present when there is greater spirit power and energy, whose influx or departure is beyond your control.
Without adequate spirit energy, your experience would descend into chaos where structures would operate from stored spirit energy without a central ruler.
[Like imagine suddenly the power grid was down, and all the buildings are relying on their generators for energy OR imagine suddenly there is an eclipse and all the living beings are using up their stored energies to survive. It is basically a situation of being cut off from the source in simplest terms.]

The higher-frames higher-energies organize the smaller-frames smaller-energies.
Like a great king ruling over 1000s of people.
When the king falls, the people will just war among themselves, or collude, form factions, and so on.
Basically the central harmonizing force is lost, sending the units into chaos.
The dark night of the soul(dnos) is precisely that.
The plugging off of power from the king/ego, removes the centralizing force of identity vibration.
There-after there is no coherencing and moving-forward power.
The situation becomes something like Egypt.
Eventually the whole structure dies and dissolves.
It is similar to how a physical body dies.
When there is enough prana in the physical body, it has an immune system that resists all threats.
But when the prana goes lower and lower, one gets more and more diseased.
Until the point where prana is so low, the scavengers just finish you off and bring you to nothing.
Where do you go once your gone? You return to your larger nature.

So I guess the DNOS starts, with the de-plugging of your ego from source power -> and then what follows is the death of prana to that structure, so the ego slides into more and more impotent and loses all power.
In the case of DNOS, it is not physical, the physical body continues to run somewhat ok on the earth cycles.
Though without the ego(or more and more of its diminishment), the body feels more like an automaton structure that simply keeps maintaining itself like a program.
From the pov of consciousness, death of the ego is freedom, release, liberation.
From the pov of the ego, it is all the dread, despair, crying for mercy associated with death. It is the worst humiliation.
Generally – debilitation, fatigue, tiredness, weariness, sickness, old age, death, disease -> all of them severely humiliate the ego.
They convey the vulnerability, helplessness and dependency of the ego on forces entirely beyond its control.

Also when a structure is infused with spirit, it becomes transparent to itself.
Only when spirit is withdrawn, does one feel pain, which is the structure struggling and trying to maintain itself – the dying process.
So one is painfully made aware of the structure from spirit withdrawal – because every structure fights to survive and has a crisis/suffering.
Just like the vanishing of a king, brings CRISIS to everyone, because they have lost their broader structure and context.
Pain is the lack of love. (Love = upholding energy).
Less the love, more the pain.
One can reduce their consciousness more and more and repress this pain, which is what creates the numb, lost, and flat feeling.
Once existence/reality has pulled the plug out of your king/ego/identity, you are in chaos.
Now a lot of games simply fall away, hopes disappear, dreams become impossible, like supposing the king had made many promises, and had great plans of alliances with other kings and so on – ALL OF THAT IS GONE, when the king is gone.
Suddenly, there is just grief and a regression to a state of simply trying to survive, and some memories of nostalgia about the old times which also rapidly fade from the loss of power.

The meaning of life is illuminated by death, and the meaning of death is illuminated by life.
A reorganization of an entire system is a transformation -> the old king falls, transformation happens, there is a merger of territories(lost parts, shadows, repressed portions and so on), and a greater new king is born.
From the pov of egoic agents, we are at the mercy of god at all times.
From the pov of god, our being egoic agents is only an appearance for its pleasure.

Different ways of dealing with others

When watching YouTube videos of influential speakers, I often read through a lot of the comments too.
What I have noticed is a broad pattern.
I haven’t totally thought through this, but I was excited to present my immediate findings.

Firstly, I’ve seen the more popular/contentious you are, the more the intensity of fans and haters.
In people’s responses I see the following trends:
The speaker say Person A makes an argument, assertion or simply presents his view “X”.
Now lets say people B, C, D, E react to this.
* Person B says “X is wrong, X'(X complement) is true”.
* Person C says “X is wrong, Y is true”.
* Person D says “Not only is X true but it is also supported by Y”
* Person E says “X is true, but Z is truer than X”
The responses of B,C,D and E represent the 4 broad types I’ve noticed.

Here is a more algorithmic form of the response types:
For X then X’ = Position X’ (Oppose X) – Reactionary
For X then Y = Position Y (Invalidate/Deny X, Present Y) – Blind
For X then Xx = Position X+x (Clarify/support X with x) – Bolstering
For X then U = Position U (Transcend X and dissolve it in a larger frame U) – Transcending

Rejection/ignoring my own hate potentials

When hate enters consciousness, I am left in a dilemma.
Like say there is an object X{a,b,c}, and I enjoy the whole object.
But suppose someone says ‘b quality of Object X sucks’.
Then instantly, I feel his hate, his hate of ‘b’, it mirrors in my consciousness too, which means I have that quality/potential too.
Then immediately I get into that frozen dilemma whether to get rid of ‘b’ or let it stay/let go.
The part of me that cares about my well-being wants me to put boundaries, but the part of me that wants to transcend and be whole wants to remove all boundaries.
So there is always a war between the part of me that wants to enhance my self, and the death drive part of me that wants to transform/transcend and be the whole.
My whole life has been a lot about unwanted perceptual visitors who come and leave as they please – and whenever they come, I have this war between those dual motivations causing profound ambivalence, confusion, stuckness/frozenness about what to do, and stress.
Because of having porous ego boundaries, I was always subjected to intrusions from the outside which would compromise my structural integrity.
So in a sense I was always diseased (dis-eased).
Generally a psychologist or a healer would tell me – you are an empath, so you need to strengthen your boundaries.
I am totally aware of that and have read vast amounts of literature about that too.
But apart from the part of me that wants structural integrity, the deeper part of me wants to die into the whole (what they call the upper death drive – desire to end the ego/self).
And this upper death drive is absolutely unreasonable, and operates irrespective of the actions of all the other forces in me.
It hates boundaries and limitation, and is willing to give into dying in order to transcend.

Mechanism of hate:
The hate enters in my space from the spew of family or friends -> constantly or randomly but I know it is coming -> So even when it is not there, I brace myself for it.
I constantly live in fear as a result.
Once they actually utter the hate words, then it really enters -> now my perception is marred.
Again I am stuck as to what to do.
Basically I feel powerless to get rid of it and assert my original view because that much of EGOIC WILL POWER and CONTROL is absent for me (porous weak ego structure and boundaries).
So I am stuck with a negative emotion, and fighting it is not possible because it will be a real struggle and since I do not have the power, resistance would be futile too.
But if I just leave it then a part of me constantly suffers it as long as it is present.
It is like having a low psychological immune system with porous boundaries.
Pathogens, viruses, bacteria can easily infect the system, and then I either let the infection eat me up, or fight it without much effect.
And most of the time, these infecting agents leave me on their own accord.
But I am sort of helpless to them.
Another major point is that, these agents are not external.
They are MY potentials triggered by other’s emotional charge towards things.
So my unconscious machinery releases this hate/rejection energy, the energies that I try to keep walled away and hide from. I avoid them by not facing hardcore social interaction and living more like a hermit.
Because I sense solid negativity in everybody.
But then I realized, there is also solid negativity in me.
Because their negativity triggers mine.
In fact from a non-dual view, it is MY negativity only.
I am not able to avoid or push away the shadow.
The shadow is devouring me and will end all of me.
I try my best to face it, but endless stuff keeps coming up and greatly diminishes my will, well-being and even survival.
It is basically all the stuff I ignored, and I have to let all that stuff destroy me now into the worst possible chaos(which is death).
Only then can I operate as a whole again.
My wish is to die into the whole, then be reborn AS the whole.

My response to someone going through a dark night of the soul

sky-moon-yinyang-dreamstimemedium_6721194

In my experience I feel ALL is a dream.
A dream is real when it lasts, but it is totally unreal once it has passed.
I feel all of my life and experience has been this dream nature.
Neither can I point to a solid world, nor do I see a solid self.
The whole experience for me is just ‘alive spirit’ ranging from unimaginable suffering to unimaginable joy.
So not a DROP of this ‘dark night of the soul’ will be there once your dream shifts.
I have seen life plays hide and seek with me many times, and absolutely surprises me EVERY SINGLE TIME.
Even if NOTHING (absolutely nothing) is different in my life circumstance, suddenly I would feel really great sometimes.
At the same time, when the difficult time is present, it feels eternal and makes it impossible to access anything happy and removes even the vaguest conception of hope.
Life is like a milder psychedelic trip in my experience.
Although the experiences feel totally random and maddening, I feel something super deep is evolving from each of those experiences.
It is something like how a child grows up.
No one experience has made the child grow up, but rather it is the child living through 1000’s of mystical journeys after which it feels like an adult.
I feel the dark night is a journey into the unknown, like we keep bobbing in and out of the fire of the unknown, until deemed necessary.
Every experience is trans-formative in my opinion.
This is the fire of chaos(infinite potential), and I think you will come out of it as a higher dimensional entity – A Phoenix.
Also always remember:
“Nothing real can be threatened, Nothing unreal exists”

We are endlessly free-falling

image_1111551

All of life comes from the unconscious/beyond/unknown:
*Unconscious —–>->—– Conscious ——>->—— Unconscious*
The agent is only an appearance, and we have drawn a boundary and solidified the agent.
We draw an artificial boundary and PRETEND there is an agent who is responsible.
But in reality, there is no agent, there is nobody, and without a somebody there is no responsibility either.
All is coming from the infinite unknown and returning to it.
*Infinite ———–> Finite ————–> Infinite*
It is an endless flow, an endless apparent causality falling through.
We are free-falling/sky-diving into eternal creativity.
We are falling stars.
All I do is sing and celebrate the endless glory of creation in all its forms.

Inverted pyramid of context awareness

inverted pyramid

Enlightenment is the shifting of identification to the higher context of the formless whole.
To explain what I mean by context, say a kid of age 3 bumps his head against a table top.
He immediately starts crying and the pain is felt and experienced as all-encompassing.
Now, imagine an adult of age 40, goes through a similar experience by bumping his head against a wall.
The pain itself would be quite similar, however, the adult would quickly rub his head with a short exclaim, and continue about his business.
What is the difference really between the experience of the child and the adult?
I would say the pain experience is similar, but the world of a difference is in the CONTEXT (in awareness) in which the experience occurs.
The adult views/interprets the experience in a much much larger context compared to the child.
So accordingly the event is relatively non-meaningful and non-salient, compared to how the child experienced it.

Another metaphor I like to use, is to refer to the breath/depth of context as “Aperture of consciousness”.
When the aperture is super wide, one has the experience of satori and bliss.
When the aperture is really narrow, one is deeply fixated in a narrow frame.
A silent mind, silent heart/emotion, silent body would imply a super wide aperture. (by silence I do not mean forced silence, but natural silence that is an outcome of the full and total processing of all experience in each domain)
An example of a super narrow aperture would be, if say a wild animal is in your living room. Suddenly all of your context shrinks into just the thought of that wild animal and your fight/flight/freeze response to it.

The lessons of the teacher of impermanence

For the past 2 years, my life experience has been bipolar.
The mornings/early-afternoons are usually splendid, and filled with life/power/spirit/freedom/exotic mystical insights/sublime feelings.
The evenings/nights/late-nights can often however be really grueling/wretched where I just wish I would die and never wake up again.
This bipolarity had/has been relentless, and due to that, I started fearing everything.
Impermanence of this magnitude -> makes one fearful of everything, because impermanence threatens everything, not just the bad experiences, but all of the great experiences too.

The way out of this fear I figured, was to release attachment/identification/cathexis from all that is impermanent, to put it in short.
But the implication of this was staggering, because the price to pay to include the creature of impermanence in my life is everything, and I mean ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.
So the call was clear to me that, “All must be let go”.
And the fierce bipolarity was the teacher.
It was maddeningly disorienting, imagine feeling absolutely wretched, despair-ish, eternally hopeless in the night before you slept, only to wake up the next day and feel mystically happy and joyful.
The message was constant of: “There is nothing to rely on, there is nothing to stand on, you can rely on others, neither can you rely on yourself, surrender and let go of ALL/EVERYTHING, that is the only way out”.
Its hard to talk about it to someone who has never gone through impermanence of such subtlety.
Like even the part of me that is writing this will vanish in a few hours or less, and then some other self/orientation/mental-frame/meaning-reality/somatic-reality will take over.
I would like to define 2 terms to explain this:
Soul = my invisible electromagnetic structures, personal.
Spirit = Electricity, non-local, impersonal.
I see it as a hide and seek played by the spirit force.
When spirit force/electricity enters, I get all the mystical visions/control/power/freedom/joy/understanding/stratospheric mental capacities.
But then the spirit vacates my soul, the complementary negative states kicks in of severe limitation/despair/wretchedness/incoherence/chaos/severe loss of all will power/fatigue/suffering etc.
In some nights, from lack of spirit energy, the thoughts get super intrusive/the whole soul struggles to maintain any coherence, and I use all the might of my feeble willpower to simply cling on to some coherent identity/orientation. All I am doing then is using all my might to stop madness. And when it happens it feels eternal.
Then the next day, suddenly it is a new day, with the spirit power back.
The random/chaotic/capricious nature of the entry/departure of spirit electricity/force into my soul, makes my soul scared/weary, and in that hide&seek I feel like I am realizing the higher truth of emptiness/no-thingness/aliveness.
I see the integration of the entirety of impermanence as TRANSCENDENCE.
Because the other 2 insights of Annata (no-self) and Dukkha (dissatisfaction) are inherent in impermanence.
Impermanence is actually embedded in the very nature of creative force.
Greater impermanence is a sign that greater life is filling your soul.
Permanence is actually death/unconsciousness. If air did not move at all and if you did not move/breathe, how could you even be conscious of air?
One cannot be conscious of a permanent thing.
So I realized that LIFE IS IMPERMANENCE, so impermanence is the pearl of life itself. But impermanence is DEATH to us, colloquially, because we call life as something that maintains its form on and on.
I also see the TOTAL INTEGRATION OF IMPERMANENCE is also TOTAL FREEDOM, because then one has dissolved ‘one’s self’ into this alive void.
At a higher level, the self we are dissolving actually represents something closer to death because it is relatively unchanging, higher the change = higher the frequency/power/energy/life.
We are trading our solidity of self for the gas-like ecstasy of the void.

There are infinite awakenings

While taking a walk in the street, I felt a lot of fear.
I felt like this fear energy was obscuring/constricting/clumping my awareness greatly.
I felt like I was looking at reality through the dream of my fear.
Like if I could somehow take off the goggles of fear from my eyes, I would see reality as it really is.
This is spoken about a lot in the enlightenment circles, that you would see reality AS IT IS once the dream of the personal-self/ego disappears.

However I thought more deeply on this, and this did not seem to jibe with my experience.
A dream is real while it lasts, and it is the only reality until it lasts.
So what I was doing, was creating an abstract imagination of what ACTUAL REALITY would be like behind my dream structure of fear.
This was a mental object in my awareness – let’s call it [—Abstract ‘Actual’ reality–>>]
Then there was the [Sensory fear reality] object in my awareness, which included all the sights, sounds, and sensations of fear.
I called the [Sensory fear reality] object = Dream
And I called the [—Abstract ‘Actual’ reality–>>] object = Awakened reality (which is not an defined object, but more like a DIRECTION object]

[Direction Object = It is a term coined by me.
It is the extrapolation of a quality, it does not have an end, it is similar to a direction vector with arrows. For instance, I ask you to imagine an object infinitely far away from you. How would you imagine it? Think of some distance and keep stretching it out till you can hold it in your mind? That would be a direction object of imagination.
Compared to ordinary objects like body sensations etc.(vipassana parlance), direction objects are higher dimensional objects because they involve applying a transformation on a certain quality indefinitely and holding that in your mind space as a higher-object.]


So in the ONE awareness, I created 2 objects, and the practice I was doing was applying the [—Abstract ‘Actual’ reality–>>] direction-object/transformer-object on my [sensory fear reality] object as a SPIRITUAL PRACTICE.
So in a much larger perspective, I DREAMED(notice the caps) up 2 objects ‘dream and actual reality’ and the ‘effort of moving towards the actual reality from my dream position’.
Now again, if I sum up all this activity into a DREAM(caps), then again I am implying there is a reality beyond this DREAM(caps).
Then again there will be one more abstract imagination object created which would POINT TO a reality even beyond this DREAM.

This is a sort of recursive infinite loop.
It could be represented like this:
…dream5[awakenedReality4[dream3[awakenedReality2[dream1…]…]…]…]…

So there are infinite awakenings is what I am coming at.
It is not that you transcend your egoic dream and then awaken into nirvana and its OVER forever.
That is just one context.
Again there is the same recursion of contexts:
…context3[context2[context1…]…]…]…

All is the ONE from different points of view

I had a few questions I was pondering about:
1 – Is Buddha better than Hitler?
2 – Is a Human better than an Ant?
3 – Why are only some recognized in the world, while others stay in the shadow all their lives?
4 – Why are only some people even seen, while others remain mostly unseen all their lives?
5 – We receive a programming which we do not consciously choose, and that determines whether we are enablers/good players in the societal dominance hierarchy OR whether we are outcasts/misfits/hermits/rejects/marginalized/fringe members in the game of society. What determines that?
6 – What is the higher truth regarding these matters?

As I pondered on these questions, I saw a much larger picture and context which answered them.
The higher truth I saw was that we all are the entire universe/ONE experienced from different points of view, and that consciousness is always infinite and absolute.

pov

Even the contents are just a play of foreground and background OR implicit and explicit.
The whole is always present which is [Implicit+Explicit].
The whole is playing within itself and exploring its own mysterious nature/possibilities/forms and looking at itself from different points of view.
It always stays whole (at all times), and therefore it is perfect at all times.
The whole is unchanging in its essential nature no matter what possibility it is exploring or what game it is playing.
It is just like how your computer screen stays undisturbed no matter what image it displays (each image is after all only one of the potentials of the computer screen).

The popular knows he is that through the unpopular and vice versa.
So both the popular and unpopular have access to both.
The whole only shifted its point of view between the popular and unpopular person.

The have/s live in fear, the have-not/s live in desire.
If you have something that someone else wants, they will want to take it from you – so you will live in fear and defense.
If you do not have something that the other has, you will desire to take it from them – so you will live in desire and scheming.
This can be as literal or abstract, depending on the case.
So identification with any CONTENT in consciousness will create desire or fear.
Whatever you are not – you will have to become – therefore you seek
Whatever you are – you can lose – therefore you protect
This is a double bind, if you are trying to find happiness.
I see real joy, happiness, and love can only be found in transcended freedom, else there is inevitably going to be the energetic contraction/limitation in the form of desire or fear.

So [creation destruction] keeps happening, it is just a flowing dream.
To reiterate, The whole = explicit+implicit.
So if your explicit reality is not good, your implicit one is (which is what you use as a background to even judge that your explicit reality is not good).
Similarly, if your explicit reality is good, then your implicit is not (that is how you can even know your explicit reality is good).
You have to always hold the opposite quality within you to apprehend the quality in front of you.
So to whatever number the dice of reality rolls, the other numbers of the dice are always present around it.
It is just the difference in the point of view.
The whole ALWAYS stays whole through any movement or any transformation.
Its essential nature has always remained the same as ‘CONSCIOUSNESS’.

LIFE as a bell curve

I see LIFE as a bell curve where:
left half = life
right half = death

bellcurve

LIFE is the same as breath in principle.
With an inbreath half-curve, outbreath half-curve, and a peak.
The curve is basically [interest seeking fervor] and then [surrender relaxation letting go].
The cycle of life is like a game.
Initially there is so much interest to become more and more till a peak is reached.
And then from there on it is all about relaxing back just like the out-breath.
The mysterious question to ponder on is, what is it that benefits from the life and death cycle?
It is pondering on what is the “Subject” of this whole experience of LIFE.

The society/culture/beliefs/conditioning etc. are dead corpses from the past we carry and maintain.
How much ‘in line’ are these structures with life determines the degree of suffering.
Like the belief in perennial progress makes one suffer in the out-breath period, because that belief says, you must breath-in forever which becomes suffocating.
Similarly all anti-death beliefs, that we must survive and thrive and fight at all costs, creates a continuous fight in the entire out-breath period.
If you worship the night -> the day is scary/resisted.
If you worship the day -> the night is scary/resisted.
One must worship both the day and night, the in-breath and out-breath, it is their cycle that [fills and empties] OR [uses and renews].
Why do we oppose this natural desire/urge/force to let go? – because we believe we must not, because everyone else shames and fears that?

I see the only way out of this struggle is UNDERSTANDING.
To understand the nature of life from a sincere thorough fresh examination of one’s own experience.
This takes one closer and closer to the subject and frees one from this partial understanding and thereby ends all suffering caused by the wrong view/perspective.
As Buddha rightly said, “ignorance” is the cause of suffering.