What will I do with a billion dollars

I can only sleep in 1 bed at a time.
I can only be in 1 room at a time.
I can only be in 1 place at a time.
I can only eat 1 meal at a time.
I can only sit at 1 table at a time.
I can only use 1 laptop at a time.
I can only use 1 phone at a time.
I can only live 1 lifetime of around 100 years.

I cannot sleep in 100 beds at a time.
I cannot be in 100 rooms at a time.
I cannot be in 100 places at a time.
I cannot eat 100 meals at a time.
I cannot sit at 100 tables at a time.
I cannot use a 100 laptops at a time.
I cannot use a 100 phones at a time.
I cannot live for 10000 years.

What will I do with a billion dollars,
If I can just be and do only 1 thing at a time, and live only for 100 years?!

The death process

The withdrawal of the projection:
The world falls back onto the Indriyas (senses),
The Indriyas (senses) fall back onto Manas (mind),
The Manas falls back into the Pranas (life energies/breath),
The Pranas fall back into Tejas (fire/heat of the body),
Lastly, Tejas falls back into Sat (reality).

The mechanics of fear, desire, love, and hate

The mechanics of fear and love,
Is such a massively deep topic to explore.

I often wonder:
Is it possible to really be indifferent?
Is it possible to be without relationship?
Is it possible to really stay separate?
Is it possible to be neutral?
Is it possible to neither love nor hate?

From my intuition, it seems like that is not possible.
Life being a dynamic verb, nothing it still.
So everything has to move towards expansion or contraction?

It feels like that force that maintains and forwards unconsciousness and ignorance,
Is in the hate (contraction) direction,
While the force that maintains and forwards consciousness and knowledge,
Is in the love (expansion) direction.
Since all things are in polarity,
Whatever we invest and expand into, will inevitably disinvest and shrink its opposite?

I see everything is a state of pulsation in nature,
Like the heart beat, expanding and contracting.
Birth is like the expansion influx (like the inbreath),
Death is like the contraction deflux (like the outbreath).
I see birth and death as the alternating pulse between sound and silence.
The sound of creation booms into the manifest as birth,
And at death there is the return to silence/uncreated?

I feel like the experience of life is like music.
With multiple overlayed pulses of all kinds of instrument and voice timbers.
A multidimensional flow of pulses.
So then, both fear and love are as natural as expansion and contraction?

I have noticed that,
I fear all that I have an antagonistic relationship towards.
So maybe the presence of fear itself…,
Is revealing the antagonistic relationship present?
I wonder,
Is fear the ‘anticipatory recreation’ of the experience,
Of the repercussions/reaction from the other,
To my own antagonistic attitude towards the other,
Being mirrored back to me?

So then are fear and love, direct experiences,
Of the mirrored attitudes/relationship we hold towards the other entities we encounter?

Another aspect is self-hatred.
That is a condition where there is a projection of value and worth on the other,
While the self is cast to the shadow of unconsciousness/hate/shame.
There is then a constant focus on the other or on transcending oneself.

So here there are some interesting relationships I see.
When there is self-hatred of one’s body and its strength,
There is fear of other bodies and their strength.
I think here, the fear comes from the war with the conscious and unconscious identifications.
Unconsciously there is identification with the body,
But that is not supported by the conscious identification which is caught up with the other,
So the unconscious identification generates fear as resistance,
When you pursue the other.

So somewhere I wonder,
If we take extreme cases,
Like fear of a ghost/monster,
Is that the dissociated unconscious fragment of us,
That we have disowned,
That is getting attracted to us,
Because of our deeper desire for integration and wholeness?
Isn’t our worst fear that we will become the ghost?
That total assimilation/transformation is the terror.
What will happen to us,
If we let everything in?

Also I used to wonder about the fear of falling.
I have that fear because somewhere I desire to fall like that.
So is my intensity of fear of falling proportional to the intensity of desire I have to fall?
Is the intensity of fear I feel for death proportional to my own desire for death?

Fear and Desire seem inseparable like 2 sides of the same coin.
It seems like each is a resistance to the other.
Desire is a resistance to Fear.
Fear is a resistance to Desire.

Another thing I am reminded of is the story of the beauty and the beast.
The beast gets converted into the prince out of love.
Would this be true for all that fear?
That all that is feared if consciously loved,
Will become flowers from filth?
The ground of filth when nurtured by nature,
Becomes flower and fruit right?

Are all that we love/hate/desire/fear,
Are they all nothing but our own Self?

Supposing we want total wholeness and totally open ourselves up,
To attracting all of the unconscious to us back into our consciousness,
Will it result in a total war and destruction of all of our identity?
Is that what happens in enlightenment?
Is that the ultimate transformation?

The self here is the subset of qualities owned vs. the superset of all qualities in existence.
That division is what created self-other and the concept of relationship itself.
Love-Hate are like Yin-Yang.
The black fish has a white eye,
And the white fish has a black eye.
So total love and total hate do not exist and cannot exist.
Just like no absolute quality can exist without its opposite.
Going into total-hate or total-love,
Will result in transcendence to a dimension beyond duality.

These are some of my contemplations.
I’ll stop here for now.

The science of attitude and perception

Every aspect of existence that we see outside,
Has a corresponding component of that within ourselves too.
Perception is from resonance/recognition/alignment.
That is why it is said “You only experience the self, not the world”,
OR “You experience the world only as reflected in your self”.

All perception is a kind of resonance between the outer and the inner.
It is not that the outer and inner are separated in time by a linear process.
They simultaneous spawn,
Like how the dreamer character and the dream environment spawn together simultaneously.
Like for example, if you start to hate some aspect of yourself,
At that very instant, you also simultaneously prime yourself into hating all other potential reminders/representations/symbols/patterns of that aspect from the outside.

This is because, reality is ‘experience’,
And experience is fractal in nature.
What you hold in mind, you see outside.
And what you see outside, you hold in mind.
You see similar motifs/patterns/symbols/representations,
i.e. all that reflect the idea that you are holding.
The outer-inner appear to be in a constant state of transaction.
Sometimes an inner change alters the outer perception.
Sometimes an outer change alters the perception of the inner.

So from this level of perspective,
There is not even a you vs an other or inner vs outer.
It is a single swath that instantly manifests together.
The attitudes I hold towards every aspect of existence,
Multiply themselves infinitely and instantly throughout the entire scape of existence.

When saying ‘The attitudes I hold…’, I was implying that I am the determiner.
But actually, when delving deeper, I see that even these attitudes,
Also seem to be ‘appearances’.
Rather then being something I determine,
They seem to be flowing through and expressing through me.
My ability to alter them or control them,
Seems to be determined by how much energy/power I have,
And my level of perception and dis-identification i.e. whether I can even perceive those attitudes as objects in my awareness.
This energy level is again conditional of sort, again the effect of many other cyclic processes.

To dis-identify from anything, you must first have the power/energy to separate yourself from it and see it as an object.
When enmeshed and identified into something,
Even if you can see this enmeshment,
You need enough power/freq/energy to extricate yourself out of that.
It is similar to how we need enough external force to overcome newton’s first law of inertia.

Generally, you function from a certain station of freq,
While accessing all kinds of states from there.
This I call the LOC (level of consciousness) of the subtle body.
I could say, ‘What you are is where you are seeing from’.
What you do not see, will be something you are subject to, and it will rule you from within.
What you do see, is something subject to you, and can be ruled.

For many people, what I see is that, their life-fires/soul are enmeshed and identified with their genetics (to varying degrees/levels).
It is like they are embedded inside those grids, and therefore all of their life fires only serve the demands of those structures.
They are completely unaware of this, because they identify totally with the feelings/perceptions arising from these grids.
It reminds me of animals, how they function only within 2 lines, only within a certain set pattern.
For human beings, it seems,
The bottom line is similar to reptiles/mammals,
But the top line is super high.
The spectrum is vast and there is enormous potential to rise up in awareness.

Everyone gravitates towards freedom of some kind

I feel like every person finds their niche,
Where they seek their freedom from.

Some like the freedom of having plenty of money,
And all of the potential/possibility that brings.

Some like the freedom of enrolling into the institution of marriage.
This frees them from the prior insecurity of relationship,
And now they have a safe space to build a bond with the other person.
Then once you have a stable bond, you can have the additional joy of having children,
And having the joy of sharing a profound relationship with a few beings/souls.
Then there is also the social dimension which approves of this and gives you the freedom of social connection (camaraderie/rapport) with all of the others who are similarly married and having children.
And so on.

Some like the freedom of being a nomad and traveling and exploring different parts of the world.

Some like the freedom that the latest technology brings.
Like having the most powerful computer or smartphone or camera etc.
These uber level tools help them access many kinds of potential experiences.

Some like the freedom of buying their own land and house,
And making whatever they want and however they want in that space.

Some like the freedom they get when working for a stable job in an MNC.
Because this frees them from job and social insecurity.
It provides a common frame (a shared environ) for many people to collude with and connect to.
Now they have a safe container to thrive in and explore all its possibilities.
Every company premise nowadays is like a small township right? (before 2020)

Some like the freedom of sexual conquest.
That is, working to making themselves as desirable as possible,
So that they can have the greatest freedom to choose mates and explore that aspect of human nature.

Some like the freedom of the internet in terms of acquiring all kinds of knowledge they are interested in.
The internet is like an unlimited library of knowledge giving immense possibilities for learning any kind of thing.

The list is endless.
As of me, where I find my freedom from, is in the niche of creative self expression.
I get it from expressing/translating/conceptualizing/depicting/articulating/symbolizing and sharing the flow of visions/insights/ideas appearing in my inner space.

About knowledge and fire/spirit

Every piece of knowledge must be digested to liberate more fire/spirit from itself.
It is similar to real fire from firewood.
If you put dry wood, it further enhances the fire.
Whereas if you put wet wood, it diminishes it.
Similarly, if knowledge quells the fire, then that knowledge is not serving the fire.

There is no good knowledge or bad knowledge.
However, whether your fire can handle the knowledge or not is the real question,
i.e. whether you have the necessary supports, enzymes, tools etc. to digest it or not,
And that is what needs your discretion.

Knowledge must serve and enhance your spirit,
Like dry firewood enhances and fuels the fire.
If the knowledge being consumed does the reverse,
Then that knowledge is not serving your spirit,
And it would then diminish your life force.

Every answer you get for a question,
When digested fully, will spark 10 other subtler questions.
The purpose of an answer is to act like an enzyme to break the question up into subtler and subtler questions.

In a way, this principle also holds true for physical food.
If you can digest what you eat, the the food serves you and increases your energy.
If the food takes more energy to digest than it provides,
It leaves you with lesser energy than when you started off.

The truth I have observed about love and devotion

From my own experiences I have seen,
For people to love you, you must love them first.
Then the reflection of that would come back to you as them loving you.
You may get varying levels of this reflection depending on the other and their receptivity/capacity.

People will be devoted to you, if you are devoted to them first.
Again the amount of reflection shining back on you would depend on the other.
If you are fully on, your job is done.

Once you are fully loving and fully devoted,
Then people will recognize and reflect this back to you based on their own openness, receptivity, and capacity.

Others loving you is only a security or utility experience for you.
It is only a 1st and 2nd chakra level security.
But you loving others, now that is the real experience of love.
That is the actual 4th chakra experience.

That is why I think Gandhi said “You be the change you want to see in the world.”
You stand for a cherished quality and turn yourself on in full measure,
And the rest will simply unravel.
Your work is finished, apart from deepening your own connection with it.

The negative, balanced, and positive

Negative |||||| (fighting to survive) |||||| –Balanced/0– |||||| (enhancing self) |||||| Positive.
The self is a structure.
The world is a structure.
The [changing structure of the self] is in a [changing relationship] with the [changing structure of the world].
The 3 happen together and play out as a singular dream of experience.
It is not that any of them is causing the other to happen, though it may appear to be.

# When the world appears to not only maintain the self but also enhance it, there is the experience of nurture, pleasure, and the positive.
# When the world appears to not only not enhance, but also actively violate and attack the self structure, there is the experience of fighting/adapting/resisting to survive, felt as war, pain, and the negative.
# When the world appears to simply maintain you in a kind of zero gain arrangement, it is felt as balance, where there is neither enhancement nor depreciation and things just go on cyclically with no net change.

Completing and freeing the dependence on relationships

All relationships are with parts of ourselves projected out to and as others.
The other is that part of ourselves we have projected out “as” the other.
Thus when we reclaim and own that projected part/aspect,
We neutralize the attraction, and free ourselves.

To give an analogy,
Say you have a backpack full of 100s of smartphones.
But say, you only keep 2 of those phones in your pocket,
And you have no active memory of the backpack’s existence.
Now when you see your friend showing you his phone,
You’ll recognize it, it will look familiar,
You’ll feel attracted towards it, and want to possess it.
But if you realize you are carrying a backpack full of them,
And look inside it,
You’d find that you own that exact same model.
Then there is no longer an attraction to the other’s phone,
But rather, you can enjoy exploring the phone’s features together.
Because now there is a commonality and you also own that same model.

The very act of relating is like a play or dance.
The question is then whether it is conscious or unconscious.
A conscious relationship is like a conscious dance done willingly from both sides,
(i.e. conscious projection and introjection),
While an unconscious relationship is like an unconscious dance happening compulsively from both sides,
(i.e. unconscious projection and introjection).

Once you own all aspects of yourself, you become whole,
And realize that all the others are representative of potentials of your own consciousness.
Then there is nothing that you lack, that can only be got from the other.
Rather, whatever you experience as the other, is instantly owned.

The same would apply to ‘aversion to others’ too.
It is the aversion of the projected aspect of ourselves that we believe we are.
So there can be 2 steps:
First the delusion (false Introjection), and then Projection.
To free the identity from all these introjections,
Is to contemplate and realize our essence is beyond all of this,
And is transcendent of all of these appearances,
Which are all but only one of the possibilities of our infinite nature.