Is your deeper desire to transcend the physical?

Today, I was travelling in a shared taxi and the passenger next to me had a moderate cold (cold virus) and was constantly sniffling. As a reaction to this, I tensed up my body esp. in the stomach and chest, tightening all those inner muscles, and tried to breathe less, and look away from him as much as possible.
The journey lasted 30m, so this condition I was in was getting painful, and I felt really irritated at the passenger beside me, feeling an impulse to just attack him. I ofcourse restrained myself, and put up with this resistance within me and when I reached my destination, the ordeal was over, and I could finally breathe normally again.

Even as those sensations happened in the taxi, I vowed to myself that I would stay AS CONSCIOUS AS POSSIBLE of every single thing happening.
A lot of deep insights came to me even while all of this was happening.
The first insight was that: Actually, my deeper self was ready to allow the cold virus to enter me. My deeper self felt like a omni-directional vacuum unconditionally receiving. It was attracting everything indiscriminately, and the resistance and tightening up I felt was my human self’s/body’s response to the deeper self’s indiscriminate vacuum like attraction.

So my body tightened from within as a protection, to prevent the destructive energy(cold virus) from being pulled in. So though it felt like the other man was to blame for my painful body contraction and so on, I could see that it was only an appearance/projection.
In reality I was afraid of my own deeper self’s attraction, and was resisting against that.
Then I thought about that more deeply, and realized, all fear is essentially your resistance to your own [higher/deeper self’s attraction], isn’t it? (the deeper self could represent the unconscious layer of self beneath the surface feelings/emotions/thoughts felt)
Another example of this would be, when I would peep out of a low balcony at a great height, say 500ft above the ground, I would wonder as to ‘why do I get the fear of falling felt as a contraction/restraint feeling?
I felt the resistance/contraction felt which is termed ‘fear’ which acts counter to the falling movement, is really my resistance towards my own deeper self’s desire to actually FALL (there is an attraction to let go and fall).
The same is true when sometimes if I look at a girl who is provocatively dressed and attractive to me, I feel FEAR (sensation is of contraction and restraint).
What am I really fearing? My fear is actually preventing my deeper self from acting on its desire of being drawn to her.
Similarly, if someone is acting rudely and violating me, I feel fear again, because it is to restrain me (my deeper desire) from attacking him back, which would lead to undesirable consequences for me in the larger picture.
So I see that all fear is me stopping myself, restraining myself from acting on a deeper impulse/force/desire felt.
There could be wisdom in fear too.
Because a wise man has greater vision and can see far-ranging consequences of actions.
Fear/Contraction/Restraint/Stifling is not necessarily negative.

Now, I went further into the inquiry, wondering about, why is the deeper part of me attracting destruction/destructive forces to me?
This has been happening for as long as I remember, and I wanted to get to the bottom of it.
Why is my higher self against my physical thriving? (why do I have a hermit lifestyle? why am I not investing in material security, relationship security etc.?)
When I pondered on this, I realized there is a lot of background metaphysics context that is needed to really look into this question.
What I am resisting/fearing is destruction/dissolution and what I am looking forward to is maintenance/enhancement.
But that part of me is only a small part of me.
There are many more deeper dimensions.
The metaphysics relevant for this case is that:
“Form itself represents lower energy.
The formless is higher energy, and the formless is FREE to take any form as its appearance. But form by itself cannot change without the aid of the formless energy transforming it.”
I remember from my earliest days, my deepest desire was for freedom.
And since the physical form is inherently limited and low energy, I always wanted to transcend it.
That is why I never invested much in my physical identity.
I pondered: Could this be one of the transition stages, one of my final incarnations, to really complete the impulses/desires of the physical and finishing up before moving on to the subtler higher energy realms?
That resonates with the way I have felt all my life.
So then in a way, my higher self is purposely attracting destructive forces, and it reminds me of the dialogue from the movie Jacob’s ladder:
“The only thing that burns in Hell is the part of you that won’t let go of life, your memories, your attachments. They burn them all away. But they’re not punishing you, he said. They’re freeing your soul. If you’re frightened of dying and… and you’re holding on, you’ll see devils tearing your life away. But if you’ve made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth. It’s just a matter of how you look at it.”
When a sugar cube gets dissolved into water, is it getting destroyed? or is there simply a transformation of essence?
When seen from a limited perspective, it looks like destruction is destroying essence itself but really, the essence only changes into a subtler form.
Like say I take gold and powder it, and powder it until you cannot see the powder, it will look like the gold has vanished. But really it has only vanished from your perception, not in essence.
Similarly I think, the resistance/fear is coming from the portion of me identified with the physical body, the animal part of me.
Every form/structure/formation/cell resists dissolution.
Like centripetal and centrifugal force, there are 2 forces in us:
‘Self preservation(identification with form)’ and ‘Longing to dissolve(identification with formless)’ forces.
It is not one or the other, rather it is about which is greater.
So when the higher self being a stronger force moves you along the path of dissolution into a higher energy essence form, your lower self experiences change/death, and that is why the resistance and in a way, this suffering is inevitable and can be greatly reduced if the deeper metaphysics is fully understood.
The despair/doom/pain/suffering/resistance are all experiences of the part of that is identified with form.
But if the part of you that longs for freedom is too strong, it will lead you into dissolution.
Notice your longings carefully, and you will see that all that is happening is working with perfection according to the actuals of the forces within.

The 2 drives:
Life drive ——–and——– Death drive
Are both resistances from the lower mortal self -> 2 kinds of rebellion.
To try to die faster than it is happening is to direct aggression towards destruction = death drive.
To try to keep/maintain or enhance things when they are not supported by the higher, is to again direct aggression towards enhancement or maintenance of status quo = life drive.
So what it means in truth/essence is that, life = transformation.
It is now. It is the direct vibration of perception itself.
To the mortal self: It feels like:
Construction = heaven —— Destruction = hell.
But to the deeper self, it is the opposite:
Construction of mortal form = limitation = lower energy state of being —— Destruction of the mortal form = Dissolution = Freedom = Higher energy subtler state of being.
Both the perspectives of the mortal self and the deeper self are simultaneously operating.
Feel your inner space, and understand their dynamics within you, and when you fully allow both construction and destruction, you become the allowing itself, and get subsumed into the NOW.

Who am I?

mystical-fire-1_1

In Hinduism,
Brahman = Supreme Being = Atma = Spirit
Anatma = Represents that which is not spirit = Not Atma.
All my works are Anatma.
They are expressions of Atma.
What I am in essence is pure “dancing creative formless unborn spirit”.
I am not my works of creation, be it art/dance/writing/painting/singing/music.
I am not my expressions.
I am that ever-renewing/ever-refreshing fount/source of creativity and inspiration.
THAT is me.
My works spill out of me like an endless fountain of the ‘1000 petaled lotus(sahasra/crown chakra)’.
But I am not my works, I am the engine of creation, the FLAME of creation.
I am the spawner, the generator, the fire, the flame, the force, the potential.
I am infinite unborn potential, the born is not me but it is my ever flowing expression – like the wake of the ship, but the ship is what I am.
I leave an immense wake of creations, but am ever free from all of it.
Holding on to my creation stops me from flowering.
Imagine if a fire held on to one of its states of motion, would it look like the dancing fire then?
I am the libidinous force/power/potential/impulse of creation.
I am not creation at all.
I am the formless void and its creative impulse/potential. That is me.
Creation spills out of me like a fountain, but I am not the creation.
The creations live on MY POWER/MY INVESTED SPIRIT.
All of reality lives on my INVESTMENT.
Every single one of you reading this, even your entire reality is only your INVESTMENT of the spirit power that YOU ARE.
Without spirit, things would simply vanish.
Spirit upholds everything.
I am spirit alone, the pure magic of it, the infinite unborn potential.
Like we say a plant grows out of the seed and the soil.
In reality, the seed, soil, the sun etc. and all creation are PROPS of the magical force/impulse of spirit.
What is real is the uncreated.
I am that force, that potency, that power, that magical source, that mysterious mystical flame.
I am not any creation, I am simply the uncreated formless power.
I am that primordial libidinal force.
I am touched by other spirits everywhere.
Every other person and being is also THAT.
That is your true nature.
It is like god multiplying itself holographically across every point.
But I can feel god everywhere around me only as a resonance to my own connection to god.
My closeness to god holographically reflects everyone else’s equivalent potential.

My ultimate desire

I’m not interested in new senses.
I’m not interested in more content.
Rather, I want the “force/cathexis/energy/desire/power/emotion/beauty/interest/passion/love” that functions invisibly with content.
But even all of the above are temporal subtle objects separate from me, which I experience and they can be taken away from me like any-thing temporal.
So what I surrender is not the object, but it is my way of seeing it/the perception of it as separate and the temporal space-time experience that comes as a result of that.
All of enlightenment is only about changing perception and nothing else.
One simply dissolves all separateness into larger and larger spaces, until your identity is all there is.
All drives are like subtle invisible(feeling only, like one feels wind) objects.
And the question is raised “Who/What is it that stands apart and witnesses the object, controls it, acts like a valve of how much energy should go to it”.
What is the control mechanism, valve like mechanism, energy trapper, that directs energy in a certain algorithm towards seemingly external inert objects?”
What is that “machine” that manipulates the shining of the primordial light and focuses it on only some objects and not others?
What is this entity in front of eyes that manipulates my clear seeing in a certain way?
I ultimately just want the ONE(the ultimate one without a second) and I want to MERGE/UNION with it.