The final rites of letting go

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I have relinquished almost all investments with others.
Now, I stand alone with only my parents around me.
As I let go more and more, I am falling into an energy space that has no overlap with my parents.
My parents are my final investment, and I am getting desperate in trying to connect with them in some way.
This is because if I don’t achieve some connection/structure/basis then I will fall into no-self, chaos, the dream, and emptiness.
This is scary to me, and that part of me is driving my efforts for desperate connection.
Even if it means finding fault with others(parents), and infusing urgency into the fact that they MUST solve their problems, and I will help them, and so on.
I can see through this though, and I have compassion for that part of me.

In fact I see that there is no overlap between my energy and ANYBODY else.
I see the part of me that is freaking out
That part which seeks out support/connection/bolstering for my identity.
That part is actually my identity/ego/social-self itself.
Without this bolstering one falls into the unknown, into the dream, and into emptiness, without a story, continuity, identity, or a structure.
That is how it appears.

The illusion of continuity and structure is maintained by others.
Without others, there is nothing to UPHOLD the self/ego.
Our self/ego is only a social-construct thriving on continual reinforcement.
The grief is in dropping this mega-project of the hope of securing validation of my value and worth from an other, and of contact with an other who would give me the respect of fully seeing me.
I have never received the “seeing/validation of worth and value” in any consistent way all through my life.
It has come in bits and pieces and has created so many fragmented selves.
Maybe that is what drove me towards the project of freedom, because the chaos and a lack of a stable pov was getting painful.

But now, I want to be emptied of all these dependent coagulations/structures/identities and give up everything that is not upheld inherently by existence itself.
The price to pay feels like everything, but I can also sense that nothing of true value is ever lost and all I am losing is my burdens.

I am the phoenix

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I am the phoenix
I am the high vibration butterfly and have shed my older coat
Nothing escapes my eyes
I am the force of rising
I am that which uplifts/elevates
The force that dances and spins upward in a spiral
Like the 2 strands of DNA dancing
Like the dance between the Yin and Yang
Like a tornado moving everything upward
My presence is a fire
I shatter and scorch anything that isn’t truth
I transmute everything to its higher frequency
I am the force of transformation, transmutation, and transcendence.
I radiate light wherever I go
I am Neo, of the matrix
I see the duality of 0s and 1s in its full glory
I am the liberator/transporter of souls
I bridge the higher realms
I fly steadfastly towards the sun without looking away

My ultimate desire

I’m not interested in new senses.
I’m not interested in more content.
Rather, I want the “force/cathexis/energy/desire/power/emotion/beauty/interest/passion/love” that functions invisibly with content.
But even all of the above are temporal subtle objects separate from me, which I experience and they can be taken away from me like any-thing temporal.
So what I surrender is not the object, but it is my way of seeing it/the perception of it as separate and the temporal space-time experience that comes as a result of that.
All of enlightenment is only about changing perception and nothing else.
One simply dissolves all separateness into larger and larger spaces, until your identity is all there is.
All drives are like subtle invisible(feeling only, like one feels wind) objects.
And the question is raised “Who/What is it that stands apart and witnesses the object, controls it, acts like a valve of how much energy should go to it”.
What is the control mechanism, valve like mechanism, energy trapper, that directs energy in a certain algorithm towards seemingly external inert objects?”
What is that “machine” that manipulates the shining of the primordial light and focuses it on only some objects and not others?
What is this entity in front of eyes that manipulates my clear seeing in a certain way?
I ultimately just want the ONE(the ultimate one without a second) and I want to MERGE/UNION with it.